Feel so used...

LegacyUser

Basically, just got out of a long term relationship... Had a weekend away, met a guy, really nice... thought he liked me, well he said he did was so nice and interested... had a great night... then we ended up sleeping together... I never EVER do that. I've only ever been with 2 people including this guy... I feel like a total whore. So disgusted with myself. I can't believe it happened... I only wanted to kiss him and then all of this...! Then after hanging around me all weekend... haven't heard from him.... at all...

How do ya feel better about this **** or move passed it??

I feel like a stupid stupid person.

Wagon

Move past it. There's nothing you can do, maybe he was just a bollix.

You aren't a whore though. Nothing wrong with sleeping with someone on a one night stand and if you don't like it, there's nothing wrong with that either. Now you know what you don't like so see it as learning something.

Actually, have you tried contacting him?

LegacyUser

Yeah I sent him an email today, I don't have his number or anything... But he got mine from a friend, but has no credit. Its just **** cause I thought I had so much more self respect. And I really liked him! Thought he liked me too... He's only out of a serious relationship too so I don't think either of us are looking for seriousness... It would have been nice to get to know him a bit though before sleeping with him.

Are fellas like that? Just nice to ya to get ya into bed? Then don't give a **** about you after??

Liam Byrne

If it's any consolation, been there.....and so, I'd say, have most people.

Nothing wrong with ONS if you both know that's what they are, but when you reckon someone might be worth sussing out some more and then don't get a chance, then it's a bummer....you'll survive, but it's still a bummer.

But Wagon's right; have you tried to contact him ?

And was it this weekend just gone ? If so, he could well be doing the whole (stupid) four-day-rule thing so that he doesn't "seem overly keen".

themadchef

The way i look at this is, you learn from it. Yes, it stings. No explanations, you're annoyed more at yourself as it's not your style. You got swept away, it happens! Remember the best bits, then shelve it.

There's no shame in enjoying yourself

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Are fellas like that? Just nice to ya to get ya into bed? Then don't give a **** about you after??

For what seems like the fifty millionth time this year, I'm going to defend us fellas on boards....

It's NOT just fellas that do this!

And also I can state for a fact that it can be the reverse too; that a guy could really like someone and want to take it slow in case it's worth something, and then end up "going with the flow" (as it seems you two did) and then go "oh, crap!".

But the other side of this is that you did decide to go with the flow too; there's two of ye at fault if you rushed things.

On the plus side, he could be feeling the exact same way as you and ye could yet salvage it; it's only the equivalent of a Monday today, remember ?

LegacyUser

You mentioned in your post that he is just out of a long term relationship - so maybe he is feeling bad about it also.

He may not be like most men and may not sleep around and he could feel bad about it too. Maybe he still has feelings for his ex or maybe it is all a bit too soon for him. you said neither of you are looking for anything too serious - so maybe he felt this could get serious as he had feelings for you and decided not to persue it as it was too soon after the ex.

Either way dont beat yourself up about it - you should not feel like a w**** just becausae you slept with someone.

Hope you are ok x

Sir Humphrey

"thought he liked me, well he said he did was so nice and interested... had a great night"


I don't mean this to be in any way smart or dismissive of the OP at all, far from it. But one of the key strengths of one-night stand merchants of the male persuasion is that they are able to come across as plausible in being "nice and really interested in me". Of course they appear that way - that's why they are able to do what they do so successfully.

I'm just surprised that the ladies mention this in surprise as if they would have expected the archetypal one night stander to have two horns and a tail.

AARRRGH

There's nothing whatsoever wrong with having sex, so stop feeling guilty.

You both agreed to have sex with each other, so he hasn't done anything wrong. Yes it would be "nice" if he contacted you, but he is not obliged to do so.

If I were you I'd be more concerned about why you feel like a "whore" because you had sex. That is way more interesting/important than the fact that OH NOES you had a one night stand!

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

Are fellas like that? Just nice to ya to get ya into bed? Then don't give a **** about you after??

I'd like to pick up on this comment as well.

Why do you think he owes you something?

Seriously, I never understand people like you. No one owes you anything. The guy you had sex with owes you nothing.

As soon as you stop believing the world owes you something, or that other poeple are responsible for your happiness, you will be a lot more stable and a lot happier.

The guy is not obliged to give a **** about you. He doesn't owe you that.

AARRRGH

PS I don't mean to sound harsh, I just type in a matter of fact manner. I hope you're ok.

Sir Humphrey

AARRRGH wrote: »

PS I don't mean to sound harsh, I just type in a matter of fact manner. I hope you're ok.

Matter of fact manner?

This is what you wrote - "As soon as you stop believing the world owes you something, or that other people are responsible for your happiness, you will be a lot more stable and a lot happier."

This implies that the OP believes the world (no less.............I thought she was just interested in hearing from your man again) "owes her something" and that others are responsible for her happiness, that she is "unhappy" and that she is not as stable as she might be.

This seems far more like matter of opinion stuff than matter of fact.

AARRRGH

She believes X owes her something. X could be anything.

The reality is no one owes you anything. As soon as you realise that, you can start taking responsibility for your life.

Liam Byrne

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

But one of the key strengths of one-night stand merchants of the male any persuasion is that they are able to come across as plausible in being "nice and really interested in me". Of course they appear that way - that's why they are able to do what they do so successfully.

Spot-on observation - I just corrected the gender bias there for you. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

OP, you haven't done anything wrong at all, You're an adult, you can have sex with someone if you want, it's no big deal and you're certainly not a whore!

I do think AAAGGGHH has a point, even though he did come across as harsh, he is not obliges to contact you. The nature one night stands is that they are about short term satisfaction. This can be great fun. People need to take it for what it is.

If you don't want to do this kind of thing again, then don't. but don't beat yourself up about it.

Moomoo1

AARRRGH wrote: »

She believes X owes her something. X could be anything.

The reality is no one owes you anything. As soon as you realise that, you can start taking responsibility for your life.

that's not really true - people owe each other all sorts of things. That's what being part of a society is all about.

In this case the guy at least owes her an explanation of why he's not contacting her instead of just ignoring her. It's called 'respecting others'.

ladhrann

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like a total whore. So disgusted with myself. I can't believe it happened... I only wanted to kiss him and then all of this...! Then after hanging around me all weekend... haven't heard from him.... at all...

How do ya feel better about this **** or move passed it??

I feel like a stupid stupid person.

You only wanted to kiss him and......??? You wanted to have sex with him and then you did it. End of the act.

Do you see sex exclusively as an emotional contract? Why do you feel like a whore for doing a normal physical enjoyable act?

Or does sex equal a sort of relationship cement or binding agent so that ipso facto sexual act = relationship??

I ask to tease apart your reasoning. Personally I think that only you are making yourself feel bad about the sexual part and that that needs to be examined, why you associate sex with 'whoredom' etc.???

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Are fellas like that?

Yes.

Just nice to ya to get ya into bed

Yes. And only men do this. Women are flawless.

Then don't give a ****$ about you after??

Well of course. We are all pricks and women are merely conquests. We don't like other people and only think of our penises. We also enjoy kicking puppies and farting on strangers with a foreign accent. So you are right. All men are ****. Now, I would love to stay here and chat but i must go and burn a church, excuse me!

LegacyUser

Em, what's the big deal? You thought he liked you, he seemed nice and interested - and? What? He DID like you, he WAS nice and he WAS interested. And you had a nice night. You slept together. Just because nothing came of it afterwards doesn't change what happened. Your perception is going to colour your feeling of the events - if you choose to believe he was a s**t and a user then you'll feel bad, if you choose to remember why you had a good time and why you enjoyed yourself you'll have a fond memory. You have no reason to feel let down, like a whore or disgusted. You had a fun weekend with someone nice. There is no problem with that, it doesn't need anything afterwards to validate it. All this talk of ONS merchants is (as well as making assumptions) missing the point - you had a good time.

shellyboo

Yup. Sex is not a binding agreement of any sort. Sex is sex. You liked him, he liked you, you had a nice time. You've gotten in touch, he hasn't replied - I guess he's not interested.

If you were, then that sucks for you. But he didn't use you - you were expecting more, some unnamed thing that he never promised you. Just take it at face value - a fun night of sex - and move on.

BraziliaNZ

well at the end of the day, most of the whole men being nice to women they don't know and seem sexually available is probably to do with the fact that there's a chance you may get to have sex with them!
But anyway, just get over the one night stand thing, it's no big deal, maybe he was being nice to you for sex, it's not like you refused is it? Maybe he doesn't want anything more, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. At least you got laid I haven't in a while!?

AARRRGH

Moomoo1 wrote: »

that's not really true - people owe each other all sorts of things. That's what being part of a society is all about.

In this case the guy at least owes her an explanation of why he's not contacting her instead of just ignoring her. It's called 'respecting others'.

I totally disagree.

Nobody owes you anything. Seriously, think about it. Feeling entitled to anything is dilusional and childish.

The guy owes her nothing. It would be nice if he contacted her, but that is totally optional and not required.

The OP is not a baby. She is in charge of her life. She agreed to have a one night stand. That's what the guy agreed to too. They did not agree to any sort of post-sex relationship or communication.

The OP needs to stop seeking happiness from other people, and to stop thinking she deserves or is owed anything.

Unfortunately, most people in the world think like the OP, and that's the reason why so many people go through phases of being angry and unhappy.

I cannot stress how important and freeing it is to take charge of your life and emotions.

LegacyUser

Hey all thanks for the replies... Yeah I sent him an email last night. He replied. I didn't expect anything from the guy I just thought that it'd be nice to send a message or whatever like he said he would? I don't want him to be swooning over me or anything like that you know? We're both just out of serious relationships, and neither of are looking for anything serious... It just hurt cause we got along great had a really nice time and then after, there was nothing you know? So it was a bit upsetting as I didn't know what to expect from anything as i've never been through this kind of thing before... We chatted for a little anyways which was nice And I wasn't trying to man bash here Sorry I was just wondering is this how most guuys are?? I don't really know the scene and what comes with it and that was my first time and heard stories and figured that maybe the stories were true after that....

LegacyUser

the same thing has just happened to me i met this guy an for a fourtnight he was texting an phoning me telling me i was his type of girl all sorts of lovely things he was saying , so out we went slept together saturday he left sunday afternoon an i not heard from him since , whats going on ? why oh why do men behave like this its never happened to me before i was really taken in by him , i did at least expect a text or something but its just been silent an im not feeling good about it feel used an let down.


Moderator note: please do not use txt speak on boards.ie

AARRRGH

I'm glad it has a happy ending.

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry I was just wondering is this how most guuys are??

Everyone is different really.

For example, a female friend of mine used to kick guys out of her bed (and her apartment) immediately after having sex with them!

The only thing you can control is your own behaviour, so if you think one night stands might lead to you getting upset, don't have one night stands.

Best of luck.

MJOR

One night stands are a fairly common occurance just maybe not in your life! Just get on with ikt and go with the flow... no point in stressing over it once you were safe.
Best of luck!!;)

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

Basically, just got out of a long term relationship... Had a weekend away, met a guy, really nice... thought he liked me, well he said he did was so nice and interested... had a great night... then we ended up sleeping together... I never EVER do that. I've only ever been with 2 people including this guy... I feel like a total whore. So disgusted with myself. I can't believe it happened... I only wanted to kiss him and then all of this...! Then after hanging around me all weekend... haven't heard from him.... at all...

How do ya feel better about this **** or move passed it??

I feel like a stupid stupid person.

OP: This is the problem when two people value sex differently. If one person considers it special like you seem to, and then when another treats it as just another normal activity that people do it is likely that the former can be very hurt if the latter doesn't value it as much as they do. I think this is what happened in this case.

As for how do you feel better about this. People will tell you that you can just move on from these things, but it depends on your moral compass and where it is set. You need to think about this for yourself, nobody can tell you a clear cut way to just magically feel better. I reckon the guilt should subside within a few days.

Perhaps you need to rethink your policy after this whole thing. Is sex something special to be shared rarely as you describe, to be kept for someone special, or should you be more free with it?

You need to decide this for yourself.

Best of luck

NickNolte

If you're going to feel like a 'whore' after a one night stand on the off chance that you'll never see the guy again - don't have one night stands. It's very simple. Blaming men actually makes you look like a whore as you were willing to trade sex for something in return. That's not aimed at you OP; I know you weren't bashing men.

There are several factors here. Firstly, some guys will think "she slept with me after one night... how many other guys has she done this with?" and won't see the girl as serious relationship material. There's also the other factor that some guys just aren't ready for relationships yet. OP... if you're in your late teens or early 20's, you'll find a lot of guys that age aren't ready for anything more than a quick fling.

LegacyUser

Hey All, just back for a quick update.
Couldn't remember if I told you all that we had been talking
Everything is cool.

I think I might have been a little paranoid about the whole thing, it being my first time and all, the newness and not knowing what to expect, act or do.
But yeah who ever said don't have one night stands is right. Nothing is worth feeling like I did, nothing and it must just be a moral thing. I have no problem with people doing what they do what so ever, its just not for me. It nearly killed me, couldn't even focus in work.

However it was a great night and who ever said that also helped me Cause ya's are right. It's hard to see the good side of things when your head is up your ar*e.

And the sex not being a cement for a relationship? That made sense too cause maybe I felt so bad was cause I'm only out of a big relationship and thought it would do something? I dunno... The mind is a messed up thing.

I'd just like to say a massive thank you to you all for reading my post and helpin us out

And people should totally call after one nighters for respect... Its the decent thing to do...

Thanks again Maybe someday I can help you with a problem!! Xx

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

And people should totally call after one nighters for respect... Its the decent thing to do...

A lot of guys though will assume girls who have one night stands aren't emotional wrecks the next day, so they don't feel the need to do the "decent" thing.

Really, anyone who needs a phone call the day after a one night stand shouldn't be having one night stands.

There's loads of other reasons why the guy may not want to ring, but I won't get into them here.

AARRRGH

Oh and just one more thing:

The title of this thread is "Feel so used..."

One night stands are all about using the other person, so it's normal to feel used as that's what happens (and can be part of the fun!)

philologos

I think the OP had the expectation that sex leads into a relationship. However, in reality not all people would have that perception.

AARRRGH

Jakkass wrote: »

I think the OP had the expectation that sex leads into a relationship. However, in reality not all people would have that perception.

Yeah, I agree.

I guess the important thing from this is that the OP has learned she is not a one night stand person, so she shouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Liam Byrne

Jakkass wrote: »

I think the OP had the expectation that sex leads into a relationship. However, in reality not all people would have that perception.

That's a little unfair, as it depends on chatting/discussions, etc, during the night.

I recently met up with someone who - on numerous occasions during the evening said stuff like "sure there's loads of time for that", and "you don't want to see my dodgy dancing just yet".....

No skin off my nose that she didn't actually want to meet up again; why would I want to meet someone who doesn't want to meet ?

If similar discussions went on with the OP, they'd be entitled to expect that it wouldn't end up as a one-night stand, and they have been misled to a degree.

But in the bigger scheme of things, OP, it's THEIR loss; you don't get to know a person in one night, you don't get comfortable enough to be yourself and express yourself properly; and if someone doesn't want to find out more about you or see how it goes with a few meet-ups and see where that takes you, you dust yourself down, ask yourself how it managed to go too far the first night - because you did agree, so you contributed - and learn from that.

From experience, there seems to be mainly two sets of people out there; people who don't want to meet more than once or twice, and people who go full steam ahead into a relationship. You need a natural progression - have fun and see how it goes - so that if it doesn't work out no-one ends up feeling used or misled.

And I still have my fingers crossed that there are still a few people out there like that; no preconditions, no closed minds in either direction - just have fun and go with the flow.

One glance across this section of boards would seem to imply that if you find someone that you have a click with and stuff in common with, it's worth giving that even a little time to see if there could be something there, and likewise to know when to say "nope" after a couple of meetings so that it doesn't end up in a thread here saying "WTF ?"

Stay safe and optimistic, OP!!!!