Same issue over and over again!

ChewChew

Gah! I keep coming back here for advice re: coping overthe loss of my dad. It's been 4 years since he passed. And it's just not getting any easier! Was my sisters birthday at the weekend and she lives up north so I knew she wouldn't be able to get to Dad's grave so I went and lit a candle. I sat for 2 hours and looked at every single photograph we have in the house. I get angry with the whole ''why me, why my dad. he was such a good person'' and then I get guilty tinges of ''well people have lost kids and family members and friends at such a young age'' and I feel bad because I really am forever grateful that I had such an amazing dad. But I miss him. Terribly.

And then I hear friends who moan and groan about their parents and give out about their dads and I just wanna shout at them to give it a rest and tell them to be grateful they have their dad around!! But I cant do that, because it's selfish.

And I know I probably sound very very selfish. But I just miss him so so so much. His personality. His eyes. His smile. His contagious laugh. His gentleness. His cuddles. His soft hands. His advice. His moods. Him. I really just miss him.

I doubt there is any advice anyone can give me. I suppose I just needed to get all that off my chest

shellyboo

Can I give you a hug?

*hug*

I hope it'll get better for you in time, pet. I've never lost anyone close to me, I can't begin to imagine how hard it is. Four years isn't that long. And you can't give yourself a timescale. You'll feel better when you feel better - don't beat yourself up for grieving.

Another *hug*

MizzLolly

Poor ChewChew

I think, from reading what you said, that you're being way too hard on yourself. You're not selfish for feeling angry. You're expecting too much from yourself, of course you're entitled to miss him and to be sad. Four years is no lenght of time and you seem to think that you should have just accepted it by now. Allow yourself to feel how you want to feel and don't be so hard on yourself for missing him.

Feel better soon.

Nevyn

ChewChew every time you or a family member reaches a new milestone in your life you will miss him and get upset, that is how life is.
I know it sucks donkey dick all you can do is ride out each one as it happens and put in place a way of working through it, be it visiting his grave or curling up with some ice cream and a duvet and watching one of his favourate movies or listening to a play list of songs which remind you of him.

Silverfish

You poor mite. First of all, like shellyboo said, there is no timescale to 'get over' something like this. And if there was, four years is not a long time.

I lost my younger sister this time ten years ago, and every day it shocks me that it's been ten years. But - I can promise you it does get easier. Not easy, but easier.

The best thing you can do is let yourself grieve when you feel you need to - don't bottle it up.

Have you gotten any bereavement counselling?

ChewChew

Thanks a mill ladies I suppose another thing was the fact that I noticed that my mum and sister don't cry any more and I suppose I just feel like I kinda can't cry in front of them!

iguana

ChewChew wrote: »

Thanks a mill ladies I suppose another thing was the fact that I noticed that my mum and sister don't cry any more and I suppose I just feel like I kinda can't cry in front of them!

I know it's not the same but a few months after my grandmother died, once life had gotten back to normal, I used to find myself wishing that it was still the few weeks after her death. I was so confused for ages about why I wanted to go back to such a painful time. Eventually I realised that time hadn't made it hurt any less. It just made me feel less free to express how sad I still was. So I wanted to be back around the time of the funeral when it was ok to just burst into tears whenever I wanted and I was around people who felt the same all the time.

Talk to your mum and sister. Tell them how much you still miss your dad. I'm sure they miss him too, but sometimes we hide how we're feeling as we want things to be normal. I'm sure your mum and sister have times when they are alone that they feel just like you.

ChewChew

iguana wrote: »

I know it's not the same but a few months after my grandmother died, once life had gotten back to normal, I used to find myself wishing that it was still the few weeks after her death. I was so confused for ages about why I wanted to go back to such a painful time. Eventually I realised that time hadn't made it hurt any less. It just made me feel less free to express how sad I still was. So I wanted to be back around the time of the funeral when it was ok to just burst into tears whenever I wanted and I was around people who felt the same all the time.

Talk to your mum and sister. Tell them how much you still miss your dad. I'm sure they miss him too, but sometimes we hide how we're feeling as we want things to be normal. I'm sure your mum and sister have times when they are alone that they feel just like you.

Thanks, that actually makes alot of sense! Only last week I had a chat with my sister in the phone about stuff concerning dad. I was looking for CD's and we got chatting and she told me how alot of the week around dads death and the funeral is so very vague to her. And we talked about little things for about a half hour and it was nice cause I'm sure she probably cried after she got off the phone too!

Ah I dont know. Sometimes I'm really grand and everything is rosey and then today I went and sat for 2 hours looking at photo's. I dont know why. I was not feeling at all sad today but it just kind of hits me every now and then.

trowelled

Oh hun, don't feel bad for the way you feel. Death affects everybody in different ways. Some poeple can hide their hurt and pain but are still hurting all the same.

There will always be something that will remind you of your Dad and I think it may always be tinged with a certain sadness. It is understandable to feel pain and as others have said 4 years really isn't that long.

It's only in the last couple of years that I've come to terms with my grandmothers death and she died in 2001. Though all of my grandparents have died I was especially close to her. I remember crying uncontrollably one night and it was about 3 years after her death but just something reminded me of her. That was my grandmother and so I can't even imagine what you're going through cos I honestly don't know how I'd cope if one of my parents passed away.

I know you're an incredibly strong person and I admire you so much. Never ever feel guilty or selfish for the way you're feeling. As has been pointed out there is no time limit on guilt. It'll take as long as it takes you and that's ok.

*hugs*

Overheal

Color me Boolean but

I noticed that my mum and sister don't cry any more

and

I just feel like I kinda can't cry in front of them!

Sounds like, they may feel precisely the same way as yourself.

MyStubbleItches

ChewChew you poor thing, every person is different and deals with bereavement in different ways. As everyone else says, there is no set time limit to grief, ****it, when you love someone as much as you obviously loved your Dad, you will grieve forever but that is not a bad thing at all. I for one would like to think that I'd be remembered by those close to me til their last breath.

Time is a great healer though, that's not just rolling out an old cliche. My younger brother passed away over 10 years ago. It's only lately that I haven't thought about him every day. We shared a room and anytime I was home I'd cry myself to sleep looking at his empty bed until I was 25 or 26. It eased though. I drew huge comfort from knowing that I had fantastic family and friends and in a way I eventually focussed the energy that I had put into grieving for him into appreciating them. This was tested severely 18 months ago when my Mom, who I'm very close to, died 16 hours before my brothers 10th anniversary. Strangely, I took a lot of comfort from her death in that I knew my brother wasn't alone anymore. Now, I silently dedicate my life, my achievements big or small, any good I do, to them. I talk to them, I joke with them, I cry with them and it all makes things easier. I know they're still with me.

I don't know if any of that will be of any help, different strokes for different folks, I guess. Talking to the stranger that was the bereavement counsellor didn't help me, I only went once. You knew your relationship with your Dad best, you really have to come to terms yourself, in your own heart and head. But draw on your family and friends, that's what they're there for. You'll never forget your Dad but look at all that you still have, life becomes so much more important having gone through what you have. Your Dad's still there, you just can't see him now. Talk to the man, keep him alive within you.

The very best of luck.

ChewChew

MyStubbleItches wrote: »

Time is a great healer though, that's not just rolling out an old cliche.

Eugh. I really hated when people said that to me and I honestly cannot see the sense in it

MyStubbleItches wrote: »

I don't know if any of that will be of any help, different strokes for different folks, I guess. Talking to the stranger that was the bereavement counsellor didn't help me, I only went once.

yeah there is no way in hell I'd go to one. I really am good with talking about my Dad. it's not like I dont because my friends are probably fed up listening to me waffle on and on about him

MyStubbleItches wrote: »

Talk to the man, keep him alive within you.

thats one thing also that I feel really weird doing! :eek: I think and hope my silent thoughts are enough

MyStubbleItches

ChewChew wrote: »

Eugh. I really hated when people said that to me and I honestly cannot see the sense in it

Nor did I, for years after my brother. Felt like hitting anyone who rolled that so non-chalantly off their tongue, like they knew what I felt. But, for me at least, it did prove true. Don't get me wrong, the scar never heals and I hope it never will but the passing of time does soften the pain. When I realised this was happening, I felt guilty for a while but I realised that I was doing him a dis-service by mourning him when I realised he was still with me and was happy. (I'm catholic but don't have a strong faith, I just feel that good people go on after life) So, yes, for some people, time does help.

ChewChew wrote: »

yeah there is no way in hell I'd go to one. I really am good with talking about my Dad. it's not like I dont because my friends are probably fed up listening to me waffle on and on about him

You'd be surprised, good friends are great. God, I've burned my mates ear often enough and he still brings up the subject if he feels I need a good man-cry. :D

ChewChew wrote: »

thats one thing also that I feel really weird doing! :eek: I think and hope my silent thoughts are enough

Depending on what you believe in, they are. You wouldn't believe the stupid ****e I talk about to Mom and Eolann (to give him a name) as I walk around the kitchen at home. I believe in them, their love for me, their protection of me, their thoughts of and closeness to me, no matter where I am or they are. I believe in that, not an indoctrination, as nice as it would be. They say that life is too short, they're right. It's too short for our time on earth to be all that we are.

BTW, your thoughts don't have to be silent, I talk out loud to them around the kitchen at home. I hope no-one pulls up outside unknownst to me while I do.:D:D

indieJones

My Dad died 13 years ago when I was just starting secondary school. It was very hard the first few years. We'd even sometimes still set a place for him at the table by accident. He was a great Dad and I'm not just saying that because he's gone. The only bad thing people ever said about him, was that he was too nice for his own good but I digress...

I take comfort that I got to spend a lot of time with my Dad even though he died when I was young. You'll always have fond memories and you should be grateful, not everyone has a good dad, or a dad at all. My family will often reminisce together of good times or funny stories with him. The time thing is a half truth. Time does make it easier but it doesn't mean there aren't bad days too. I hadn't shed a tear for my Dad in years but recently a friend of mine's Dad got really bad cancer and I became a blubbering wrecking thinking back to my own dad's battle.

I'm not religious either but I believe your Dad does live on, through you. He wouldn't want to see you sad, he'd like you to remember him fondly and to be happy in your life. It's ok to miss people, it's perfectly normal to miss someone who's gone but perhaps you can draw comfort from the friends and family you have around you now.