Is secret sexual texting ok?

whittler

im not sure where to post this thread,
ok, a friend of mine has been in a relationship with a man for 5 yrs.
she has 3 kids of her own.
over the years she has found him texting other girls/woman
this has happened maybe 10 times with different sim cards and pphones which were always hidden
the majority of theese texts were tryiing to get girls to send pics of themselves in underwear and wat is more freaky is thatn he wants them to pose in ripped tights and underwear.some of these girls have been as young as 14 and as old as 35. he has promised to stop on lots of different occasions, says he doesnt know why he does it. he even says that he has lost his phone, in order to kep it secret and has his gf go out and get him another. im lost as to wat to advise her. its like an addiction at this stage, so what do you alll make of that?oh he is 37 yrs old, and he doesnt have any sexual urges toward his girlfriend at all

seamus

whittler wrote: »

oh he is 37 yrs old, and he doesnt have any sexual urges toward his girlfriend at all

Let me guess, she pays the bills and the mortgage and he's down on his luck jobwise at the moment?

He doesn't love her, he has no respect for her and by your account he's an active sexual offender who offers her nothing relationship-wise and only serves to pose a bad influence and possibly even a danger to her children in the coming years.

Your question should be, "How does she best eject this man from her life and shop him into the Gardai?".

ncmc

seamus wrote: »

Your question should be, "How does she best eject this man from her life and shop him into the Gardai?".

+1

LegacyUser

TBH i would be very worried about this man and what he potentially may do,, he is asking 14 year olds to pose innapropriately,, WTF,, he is defn addicted and seems he is getting some sort of thrill by all this,, i would advise her to get the hell out of there,,, if one of her 3 kids is a girl i would be very worried, especially if she is a teenager,, she should leave and report to gardai,

hullaballoo

seamus wrote: »

Let me guess, she pays the bills and the mortgage and he's down on his luck jobwise at the moment?

He doesn't love her, he has no respect for her and by your account he's an active sexual offender who offers her nothing relationship-wise and only serves to pose a bad influence and possibly even a danger to her children in the coming years.

Your question should be, "How does she best eject this man from her life and shop him into the Gardai?".

That's it on the noggin.

Liam Byrne

seamus wrote: »

Let me guess, she pays the bills and the mortgage and he's down on his luck jobwise at the moment?

He doesn't love her, he has no respect for her and by your account he's an active sexual offender who offers her nothing relationship-wise and only serves to pose a bad influence and possibly even a danger to her children in the coming years.

Your question should be, "How does she best eject this man from her life and shop him into the Gardai?".

+ another 1

Sharpshooter

Moved from After Hours.

_blank_

whittler wrote: »

the majority of theese texts were tryiing to get girls to send pics of themselves in underwear and wat is more freaky is thatn he wants them to pose in ripped tights and underwear.some of these girls have been as young as 14 and as old as 35.
.....
oh he is 37 yrs old

What?

He is texting FOURTEEN year old girls to get sexy pictures of them?

He needs psychological help.

spurious

She is with a man who has no sexual feelings towards her and texts children looking for photos of them in underwear?
She has three kids of her own. She needs to get away from him now.

Morlar

The fact that he has hidden phones and keeps different sims is bad enough - if she has caught him texting 14 yr olds for semi naked pictures and is still with him means she also has some major issues. Pretty sure what he is doing (texting 14 yr old girls for erotic pictures) is illegal.

keefg

seamus wrote: »

Let me guess, she pays the bills and the mortgage and he's down on his luck jobwise at the moment?

Just out of interest.....what does a work situation have to do with a persons sexual interests/quirks/ways?

chickenhawk

You need to talk to her. If he's texting girls that young then what's to say her children are safe around him.

My name is URL

Why are you asking for advice on her behalf? Just seems like something she'd be better off dealing with herself tbh

Obviously she should dump him, I mean the fact that she hasn't already is as odd as his behavior

tbh

your friend says "Best of luck with the whole phone/underwear deal, but it's not for me. all the best" and then - the hard part - she actually does it.

See, for me, this is simple logic.

I put x amount into this relationship, and I get Y out of it.

If x is time, and y is grief, then thats a stupid equation. You can see it clearly expressed like that. So you have to ask your friend why she can't see it like that. The problem for your friend is that, in her mind, if her time is worth less than the grief she gets, the she's ahead in the deal.

And that's where you come in. You have three options on this one. I wouldn't have a problem with any option, as long as you make your mind up either way and then stick with it.

Option 1: you sit your friend down and you tell her that it's breaking your heart to see her getting treated like this, and that she's worth a thousand times more that what's she's getting, and that, to show her how important it is, that you can't be her friend until she dumps the guy. She now has a straightforward choice between you and the b/f, but at least it shows how serious you are taking this. Be prepared for her to pick the not you option. Tell her you'll be there if she ever changes her mind. And then walk away. And stay away.

Pick this option if you are the type of person who will worry a lot about this, because you should know that nothing you can do or say will change the situation. therefore, walking away is best for you.

Option 2: Tell her the above, but instead of walking away, tell her that now you've spoken your mind you'll never mention it again. and stick to that. be there for her when you need to be, but never offer your opinion again, unless specifically asked.

Pick this option if you can deal with frustration, and are sure that you can stick to it. If you force her to choose, she will pick her boyfriend. Remember that. low self esteem and all.

And finally, option 3:
Keep your opinion to yourself, and say nothing, unless you are specifically asked for your opinion.

Pick this option if you only read the shortest option, or if you just prefer a quiet life.

tbh

sorry - forgot to say. best for your friend is option 1. best for you is option 3.

whittler

thank you for your help i will try theese. and i already know wat shes goona sy...that she loves him and he says it doesnt mean anything, she panics wen she thinks of being without him,,,grief etc...not too good at handling it...and shes scared of being lonely

gangie

whittler wrote: »

thank you for your help i will try theese. and i already know wat shes goona sy...that she loves him and he says it doesnt mean anything, she panics wen she thinks of being without him,,,grief etc...not too good at handling it...and shes scared of being lonely

As she is a mother, she should put her own fears of being lonely to one side over the safety of her children. I wouldnt fancy trusting this man for a second. Or having to even sleep next to him at night. He sounds like a creep imo, and possibly a dangerous one.

But from past experience - people dont listen to reason or make any atempt to leave a bad relationship until they decided for themselves that enough is enough. That could take weeks or it may never happen. :mad:

tbh

in fairness whittler, I've the advantage of being detached from the situation, I know it's that much tougher with emotions involved. Listen sit her down and have a chat with her. Try not to go on the attack, and tell her you just want to get it off your chest, and then you'll never mention it again. And then try not to, because all it'll do is put pressure on her and wind her up, you know? If you go option 2, it's vital you learn to bite your tongue. But in the meantime, try to build up her self-esteem, and try to get her to build up a social circle that doesn't involve him. If you prepare the ground, six months to a year from now, making the move won't be such a big jump for her.

good luck tho, and respect for doing the right thing by your mate.

AckwelFoley

There are 3 issues here.

• Hes receiving or looking for images of 14 year old children. That makes him a peadophile.

• Hes cheating on his wife, perhaps not physically, but if i found out my fiance was at the same, it would mean the same to me.

• Hes not attrated to his wife.

Your friend is being a doormat for this man, and he bloody knows it. She needs to take control of this issue. All the cards are in her hand, he needs to respect her. I know you want to help her, and you can try to help but if you are too imposing on her she will likely choose her husband over you and then you are left in a position where you are going to be less help.

She reminds me of a woman that is being beaten up by her husband but stays with them and makes excuses for them.

seamus

keefg wrote: »

Just out of interest.....what does a work situation have to do with a persons sexual interests/quirks/ways?

He's not sexually attracted to her, doesn't respect her and is looking to other women for his kicks.

So clearly he's getting something out of it, be it money, food, whatever. He wouldn't commit himself to a woman he doesn't love otherwise.

VaioCruiser

whittler wrote: »

im not sure where to post this thread,
ok, a friend of mine has been in a relationship with a man for 5 yrs.
she has 3 kids of her own.
over the years she has found him texting other girls/woman
this has happened maybe 10 times with different sim cards and pphones which were always hidden
the majority of theese texts were tryiing to get girls to send pics of themselves in underwear and wat is more freaky is thatn he wants them to pose in ripped tights and underwear.some of these girls have been as young as 14 and as old as 35. he has promised to stop on lots of different occasions, says he doesnt know why he does it. he even says that he has lost his phone, in order to kep it secret and has his gf go out and get him another. im lost as to wat to advise her. its like an addiction at this stage, so what do you alll make of that?oh he is 37 yrs old, and he doesnt have any sexual urges toward his girlfriend at all

My advice OP, is to stay out of it. No one knows what goes on and who is right or wrong inside a marriage and you only get one half of it.