Advice on how to sort this out?

gangie

This is going to seem like a minor problem in comparison to a lot of the issues talked about on here but Im at my wits end. Iv been with my boyfriend for just over a year and we have been living together for 6 months of that time. In all honesty we were almost living together from day one, but officially its been 6 months.

Anyway he is great in every way bar one: housework! I know that men are notoriously useless but he lived alone for a good few years and has had flatmates and also lived with his ex for a number of years so he knows how to use the washing machine etc. Neither of us are working at present (he just got laid off) but Im a student and I have repeat exams coming up and I have assignments to do aswell – so Im pretty busy.

When he was working I did most of the cooking / housework and only expected him to wash up an odd time and do one or two jobs around the house at the weekends. Im not the cleanest / tidiest person in the world and am pretty laid back so its not like Im being anal about this, I just want the place to be generally clean and tidy. If I ask him to do something he will agree no problem – but then I could be waiting for weeks. For instance, I decided I was not going to tidy our room this week, so I asked him to please do it. No problem there then – except I asked him last Saturday and it was still not done yesterday morning! I asked him again and he said not to nag that he promised to do it TODAY. Right I said that’s grand. His idea of TODAY is 11.30 last night – just before I wanted to go to bed. I shouted at him and told him it really annoys me that he has to leave everything to the very last minute (it is still not finished btw). I ended up going to bed alone, very pissed off. He did apologise this morning and I said ok but that we will have to talk about this later on. I really feel that this issue is going to be a major bone of contention for us. I sat him down only last week and explaind that it feels to me like a lack of respect, that he believes if he leaves something long enough I will just do it. It said he would take it on board but obviously nothing has changed.

I don’t want something like this to come between us as I really love him – but how can I make him understand that when he puts things off it makes me get more and more annoyed until eventually it makes my blood boil and a fight insues! Please help!!

Thanks!!

Paulyh

it sounds to me he has a case of procrastination!! i am sufferer of this sicknes.............although i have become much better i think over the last while. but i still go through phases now and again:rolleyes:
anyway...........with me its not a case of maliciously not doing something, i suppose its a case of different priorities for different people. Like i would'nt rate doing the dishes high on my things to do list.......so from time to time it just didnt come into my head to do them, not that i was deliderately not do them.
i guest its just habit really, once you slip into the routine of not doing housework (i.e. someone else doing it) the more it doesnt enter your head to do it!!
ok that all sounds very confusing, and not making much sense at all!!
you should just talk to him about it. tell him you need him to help more, at least doing half the work, and that its upsetting you having do it all. basically embarress him over it!! if he gets into the routine of doing it, it shouldnt be a problem again.........

good luck with it

Terodil

11:30 last night is not acceptable, given that he had all week to do it, that's making a joke out of it. He should have done it some time when you were busy too so that you have that 'prime time' for each other.

TBH OP I think you need to stick to your guns on this one, if you don't, you'll end up unhappy and resentful, and with good reason. You're only expecting a moderate contribution. If he can't see what he's got in you and can't even look after the most minor requests even though he's unemployed, the problem is with him for being a total slacker and douchebag rather than you 'nagging'.

Good luck!

P.S. No, it's not men in general, some men and some women just are lazy/messy.

spurious

When you're talking about it 'later on' divide out the work and make a general roster.
If you want to make it a temporary arrangement while you're getting ready for your exams, so be it, though I don't see why you should.

Don't make excuses for him - he's an adult. He's well able to tidy up after himself.

gangie

Thanks for the replies I am going to talk to him again (!) over dinner because I can see it will only get worse the longer it goes on. It does seem like a small matter - but when it happens every day it makes it seem like a bigger issue.

Any ideas how I can really get through to him? I have tried the roster thing to no avail. At one stage I would only tidy my side of the room to try to prove a point! I dont feel that I should have to ask him every time either - ie, if there is dishes in the sink, can he not see they need washing? He has told me in the past its not intentional but that did little to pasify me.

I lost the rag last night and normally I would apologise becuase I dont like fighting, espically hate going to bed on an argument, but I dont feel that I was in the wrong. As one helpful poster said - 11.30 is not acceptable! Even though he knows he is in the bad books and that we will be having a talk earlier, the kitchen is still a mess, dishes not done and piles of clothes in the bedroom still not put away! Agh :eek:

Paulyh

ok, well it seems he is just taking the piss then........i say this is i may be guilty every so often too:o
if its even mentioned to me by my OH, it will snap me out if it!! and i am sure it wont be an option for you to just leave everything until he notices it eventually.
i suppose the only thing to do is tell him how much of a problem it has gotten. that it is affecting your relationship, and you are loosing respect for him because of it.
at this stage it is not really about just an issue of a few minutes in the even of housework, its going to evenually push you away, as it seems that he doesnt give a crap about your feeling.
and let him know that if things do not improve, you would consider moving out (not breaking up) as obviously he is not ready to SHARE a home with you.
he is taking you for granted...............and he needs to change.

good luck again, i hope you get through to him this time!!!

Oryx

Ooh when a man tells me not to 'nag' over something he ought to do as a matter of course anyway (but doesnt) it makes my blood boil too.

Right, you are not his mother, and its not up to you to be the one that is responsible for the house/apartment being clean. Cos thats how he appears to see it, that you are the nag and he is the sighing, naughty boy. That attitude has got to change within him. You've got to tell him that its not about you forcing him to do chores, its about his respect for himself, and you, and the place where you both live. No-one wants to live in a pigsty, but he is being unreasonable and dare I say childish in expecting you to be the main cook/cleaner/bottlewasher. That malarkey went out with the ark.

He needs to understand that dirty dishes are not just dirty dishes. They say to you 'I dont care enough about you to bother'. And thats what irks. Maybe if you explain that, he might shape up.

herya

gangie wrote: »

Any ideas how I can really get through to him? I have tried the roster thing to no avail. At one stage I would only tidy my side of the room to try to prove a point! I dont feel that I should have to ask him every time either - ie, if there is dishes in the sink, can he not see they need washing? He has told me in the past its not intentional but that did little to pasify me.

What works for us is to get at it together - cleaning alone is not fun and you procrastinate like crazy - make sure we can spend a little time on it and just work alongside each other until we're finished. I usually assign who does what as we go as to have some decent pace - "OK I'll do the counter tops now you clean the rubbish bin, I'll do the toilet now you mop the floor in the kitchen, take the vacuum cleaner upstairs, when I'm finished with sorting out the clothes you'll vacuum the bedrooms etc". You need to put on some music or your favourite radio station and the time flies. If you do it once a week it's hard to be messy in between the sessions and spoil what you've just done, and if you see the other person is working alongside you you don't lazy around, you just want to be through with it!

gangie

He needs to understand that dirty dishes are not just dirty dishes. They say to you 'I dont care enough about you to bother'. And thats what irks. Maybe if you explain that, he might shape up.[/quote]

I have tried this - I told him it is not just 'cleaning' but I regard it as a lack of respect for me and my feelings and he apologised over and over and said he didnt realise thats how it made me feel. Obviously he has forgotten that conversation! :mad:

I am considering telling him that we wont be able to live together anymore if this continues. Which would be a big pity becuase I love living with him apart from this issue. I thought I explained it very well the last time, but he obviously needs to hear it all again. I hate being a 'nag' - its not like me, as I said Im pretty easy going generally.

VaioCruiser

gangie wrote: »

He needs to understand that dirty dishes are not just dirty dishes. They say to you 'I dont care enough about you to bother'. And thats what irks. Maybe if you explain that, he might shape up.

I have tried this - I told him it is not just 'cleaning' but I regard it as a lack of respect for me and my feelings and he apologised over and over and said he didnt realise thats how it made me feel. Obviously he has forgotten that conversation! :mad:

I am considering telling him that we wont be able to live together anymore if this continues. Which would be a big pity because I love living with him apart from this issue. I thought I explained it very well the last time, but he obviously needs to hear it all again. I hate being a 'nag' - its not like me, as I said Im pretty easy going generally.[/QUOTE]

As a man - I can tell you that men are like puppies. Men need to be trained to do housework with a strong hand. he also needs to learn that doing housework for his partner is like foreplay...

You are right - you need to put your foot down in a strong and insistent way and get it sorted once and for all.

All the best

gangie

Thanks everyone - Im off to have 'the talk'! Wish me luck! :eek:

Orange Peel

Hey,
I'm really dying to find out how the conversation went that night...I'm having the same problem with my OH and not quite sure how to go about it. The only difference is that my he lived alone in college, but moved back home straight afterwards, so he's used to have everything done for him...and I mean everything - his washed and folded clothes landed on his bed and all he had to do was to put them back in the wardrobe....
Both of us work full time and I don't see why I should be the one to look after the house.
It's got to the stage when I just couldn't care less and decided not do anthing at all...That's it - I'm going on strike from today...let see how long I'll last in a pigsty.....

SarahSassy

He is taking the P BIG time.... What a lazy and selfish get... There are no excuses for his ongoing behaviour no matter how easy going each of ye are..

He is taking you for granted and I hope you stand by your guns or you are destined for a life of servitude.

VaioCruiser

Hi all,

This is NOT a suggestion for fixing the negative slovenly attitude... but something that I did with my partner at one stage when we were both working was get a lady in on a friday before we got home for two or two and a half hours.

The house was spotless, the clothes were ironed and the bathroom was spick and span.

It took all the pressure of both of us for the weekend and gave us many happy weekends as a result.


All the best

How Strange

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi all,

This is NOT a suggestion for fixing the negative slovenly attitude... but something that I did with my partner at one stage when we were both working was get a lady in on a friday before we got home for two or two and a half hours.

The house was spotless, the clothes were ironed and the bathroom was spick and span.

It took all the pressure of both of us for the weekend and gave us many happy weekends as a result.


All the best

+1 to this

I'm the offender in our relationship and it drives my OH crazy. He (yes HE) is sometimes at his wits end with my messiness. So we agreed to get a cleaner for 2hrs a week.

If you can afford it then it really is a good idea.

LegacyUser

OP I am in a very simliar situation except I feel Ive now been backed into a corner, Ive basically gotten the ultimatum of stay with me and keep cleaning without whinging about it or go be with somebody else.

Im now at a stage where I cry out of complete anger.

We had the "chat" I would say 70 times over 2 yearsish, it all came to a head a few months back and Ive since then asked for help twice and been reduced to tears as hes completely flipped at me. Im in a mood then because he just will not take initiative and wash a cup and it all comes back on me that Im a nag Im this Im that. Its not fair, unfortunately I love him and dont want to break up over this but everytime theres a row its my fault and he cant get that the moods are because Im having to clean crap off the toilet and always initiate cleaning or ask for help. Why should I have to ask? or beg is more like it.

Seems like a small issue but it can become a large issue. Hope you get a better response with your lad than I did.