How could he have done this?

LegacyUser

I was going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I loved him so much and never cheated on him or hurt him etc. I just found out that he slept with another girl when we had been going out 3/4 months. It was long distance at the time before we moved to the same place. I asked him about that night quite a few times as my intuition told me that they always had done more than cuddle as he initially said happened. It turns out he had been lying to me every time I had asked.

I broke up with him.

I miss him so much. I miss all the good things we had together. I just don't know how someone could do what he did. He said that he did it because he loved me so much he knew that if I found out about that one major mistake, we'd be finished.

What do I do?. I know logically it should be stay well away. But I've never met anyone I've been so attracted to and was so good for me in other ways. Help.

Monkey61

Logically I don't think dumping someone for one infidelity, especially if you are both in love and it was some time in the past is a good idea.

People are only human and they make mistakes. If he is showing remorse then I think he deserves another chance. Many relationships bounce back from such things and if you want to be with him then don't let your idea of "logic" stop you.

herya

There is nothing wrong with forgiving somebody if you're aware of your reasons for it and it's a good decision for your relationship. The secret part is worrying here but you know your bf best and you can assess how much of a one off it was. Is he usually sneaky and disrespectful or was he just stupid and lost?

But if you feel it won't work for you you also have all the right to turn away and leave - fair enough. Don't feel bad about it, he had his chance.

Saruman

Unregistered wrote: »

it was long distance at the time before we moved to the same place.

Does this mean you met through the internet or some other medium?
Or had you already met but just lived in different places so initially it was long distance?

Either way I would imagine he may not have been sure where the relationship was going or how serious it was.
Not an excuse but try and think in his shoes as to how he felt.
If it was an internet type relationship then I am not surprised at all to be honest.
It does not make it hurt any less for you though.

LegacyUser

Saruman wrote: »

Does this mean you met through the internet or some other medium?

If it was an internet type relationship then I am not surprised at all to be honest.
It does not make it hurt any less for you though.

We met in person and became friends. Then started going out and visiting each other every few weeks.

I'm so confused about what to do. I know on one hand that he did just make a HUGE mistake. I don't know how people kiss another person not to mind have sex with them when they're in a relationship. Isn't there that thing called self restraint?. If he doesn't have that then I don't want to chance going back with him as I'd be afraid of what might happen if his love for me faded a bit in time.

The bit that pisses me off the most was that I asked him about it alot because of intuition.
Him getting snappy at me for bringing it up yet again etc made me feel like an idiot. I was away from where he lives for the last few months. I was due to move back there in a few weeks time. I'm so gutted as I can't just move in and live with someone like this. I've never been so hurt in a relationship before.

Part of me would like to take him back. Part of me is terrified.Thanks for the replies.

LegacyUser

he lied to you repeatedly about it.

that's the clincher for me. If he told you immediately that would show remorse, and if it was me I might be willing to try to salvage something if he was truly sorry.

I don't think that's the case here though, and I would say you're well rid.

Just my 2 cents

herya

Unregistered wrote: »

The bit that pisses me off the most was that I asked him about it alot because of intuition.
Him getting snappy at me for bringing it up yet again etc made me feel like an idiot. I was away from where he lives for the last few months. I was due to move back there in a few weeks time. I'm so gutted as I can't just move in and live with someone like this. I've never been so hurt in a relationship before.

Part of me would like to take him back. Part of me is terrified.Thanks for the replies.

Maybe you need to separate these two issues in your mind.

Would you take him back despite cheating on you?
Would you take him back despite lying to you?

Which one is worse and is any of them a deal breaker on its own?

Whichever your decision is, at the very least you will know what to look for and appreciate in your future partners.

kavoweb

a man is only as faithful as his options....... end of. (chris rock)

Rosita

Unregistered wrote: »

I was going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I loved him so much and never cheated on him or hurt him etc. I just found out that he slept with another girl when we had been going out 3/4 months. It was long distance at the time before we moved to the same place. I asked him about that night quite a few times as my intuition told me that they always had done more than cuddle as he initially said happened. It turns out he had been lying to me every time I had asked.

I broke up with him.

I miss him so much. I miss all the good things we had together. I just don't know how someone could do what he did. He said that he did it because he loved me so much he knew that if I found out about that one major mistake, we'd be finished.

What do I do?. I know logically it should be stay well away. But I've never met anyone I've been so attracted to and was so good for me in other ways. Help.

There is a view out there that people telling lies repeatedly in such a situation is a deal-breaker. However, it does raise the question - why did you repeatedly ask him? Clearly at some level you did not believe him in the first instance so why did you ask him again and again and essentially beget more lies? Is there really a material difference between him telling you at first and you not believing him and then him repeatedly spouting the same story as he inevitably would?

But this comment of yours - "He said that he did it because he loved me so much he knew that if I found out about that one major mistake, we'd be finished." suggests to me that the real problem here is that he told a lie on the matter (because "he did it" seems to refer to the telling of a lie).

That is fair enough depending on your personal level of tolerance of such carry-on, but if the lie is now the issue, can you seriously say - hand-on-heart - that had he told you the truth in the first instance you would have brushed the incident off as something and nothing and been delighted with his truthfulness?

Personally I think a guy lying in such a situation is doing so in an effort to avoid the unpalateable consequences of telling the truth. I would not necessarily see it as a reason to assume he has no remorse. In fact it might well be argued that him telling you straight up would imply that he actually had no remorse and was happy to let you deal with the consequences of his actions any way you chose to do.

The situation is obviously one for you to decide on and assess what you can deal with, but it might be unfair to equate lying with lack of remorse as one poster is suggesting. Like I said the opposite might well be the case. Whether genuine remorse is enough to get past the substantive issue is of course another matter.

The best objective advice would always be to give him a wide berth and never go there again as this will always be a stone in the shoe, but obviously you are in the situation and will see all sides of it. Just don't confuse the immediate loss of companionship and routine that is always difficult to deal with coming out of a relationship with genuine affection or love. If you go back to him let it be for the right reasons. And whatever you do, if you move on, avoid feeling the need to bend your next boyfriend's ear about him as so many girls insist on doing. That will help nobody.

Rosita

kavoweb wrote: »

a man is only as faithful as his options....... end of. (chris rock)

Well, if Chris Rock said it it must be true.

valery

Oh dear, you must be so hurt and Im so sorry for you . Truth is though , if you take him back he may think this is license to treat you badly again.
Life is way too short to be treated like this......take a deep breath .......shout out loud FKUC HIM . You are a man magnet, next one is just around the corner.

Rosita

valery wrote: »

You are a man magnet, next one is just around the corner.

I suspect that fear of not having a man is really the issue here, however reassuring your advice might be.

finbarrk

The thing is if you hadn't repeatedly asked him about that night you would be a lot happier now. Sometimes too many questions make problems appear.

valery

Rosita wrote: »

I suspect that fear of not having a man is really the issue here, however reassuring your advice might be.

Yeah, got to agree with you . Its just that old adage at the back of my mind, "fool me once shame on you , fool me twice shame on me"...dont really want to reduce the seriousness of the op`s dilemma to "adages" and I hope she makes the right decision. We all learn from our mistakes ....you know.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for replying. And Rosita- cheers for taking the time to type all of that. It makes sense. I kept asking about the incident as something he fell asleep in the same girl's tent at a festival (but claims he was drunk and just passed out and swears nothing else happened). I was in the tent next door wondering why I was waking up alone. I do believe nothing happened that time...

It gets more complicated though. A close male friend of mine told my now ex boyfriend that he really liked me (he told him this before we broke up). I'm living a couple of hours away from my ex. I was due to move in with him in a few weeks time.

This friend is the only person I am properly close to in the current place I'm living. He really doesn't want me to get back with my ex (it's so weird writing ex when we were so happy this time last week). I stupidly kissed him yesterday. He had travelled across the city at 3AM to see if I was ok. I'm so mixed up.

I don't want this friend to get hurt while my feelings are all over the place. I do think there's something between us - but that was never an issue before as I was with my ex and wouldn't have cheated anyway. I never have in any relationship. My ex and this friend both want me to be with them and my head is all over the place. Ahh.

Moomoo1

I disagree with some previous posters: I think the issue here is the act itself. Because whilst I myself disagree with the line 'I lied to protect her from the truth', a lot of people (in particular on those forums) would recommend this as the course of action in case of an infidelity.

So it could genuinly be that he lied to you because he felt that was the right thing to do, not because he was a coward.

I'd go with my heart on this. If you want to be with either of those people, be with them. On your own terms of course.