Advice please

LegacyUser

I need advice.

Been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. Last Saturday night we went out, both in seperate groups to seperate nightclubs. I really missed him so on my way to go home called up to the nightclub. No answer from his phone. he texts me sayin i cant talk im in the niteclub. I rang his mate who informed me "ehh, he's not with me he's eh, gone to the bar"

Now that is the last I heard form my boyfriend until 4 o clock th enext day. He claims his drink must have been spiked, has very little recollection of anything. I started to freak a bit as I thought well anything could've happened..his friends are complete jack the lads!!

This has caused such a rift between us, him saying I should trust him his friends wouldnt have let him off with any other girl, and anyway if something did happen " sure it'd hardly be his fault if he was too drunk to say no"....?!!!! Guess im just looking for opinions, its not sitting with me at all and im so confused..sorry its a really small issue compared to others i know.

Ellsbells

We cant tell you if he cheated or not... Is this behaviour typical of him?

legend365

Unregistered wrote: »

" sure it'd hardly be his fault if he was too drunk to say no"....?!!!! .

If thats HIS attitude then you need to start from there. Drink is never an excuse to do anything.

VaioCruiser

OP - I really don't know what anyone can say to you. Nothing appears to have happened. You have no evidence anything happened. So what are you obsessing about ? Are you always this distrustful ? do you think this is a good basis for a future relationship ?

All the best.

shellyboo

Ok, he disappeared. Bad form, but not a dumpable offence.

Dismissing your annoyance about it and basically admitting to being open to the idea of cheating if he had enough drink in him to excuse it? Dumpable offence. What a tool. He has no respect for you, OP. You've been going out with him for 2.5 years, so it's not as easy as "dump him", but I'd definitely be having a serious chat with him. What he said is totally unacceptable.

viggi-tea

Unregistered wrote: »

him saying I should trust him his friends wouldnt have let him off with any other girl, and anyway if something did happen " sure it'd hardly be his fault if he was too drunk to say no"....?!!!!

I can see why you're unhappy about this! Not total insanity on your part, the behaviour does seem pretty unusual. It seems a bit strange he's being so defensive. If everything was normal why wouldnt he just explain what happened calmly. Maybe something happened he's not talking about, but it might not have anything to do with another woman. Seems a bit tetchy for a completely innocent man though...

LegacyUser

thanks guys - he still wont talk to me about it...just says he's no idea what happened, he did get home, but only because his mates were staying with them and needed to stick with him for the key! It just really stings what he said to me.

Apparently he cant regret it happening considering he cant remember it and that he's not going to kiss my ass apologising. Am seriously thinking of ending this over his whole flipant attitude but I do love him dearly.

shellyboo

He sounds super defensive. He needs to apologise for what he said, if not what he did. I wouldn't jump to accusing him of cheating, but cheating is never acceptable, no matter how drunk you are.

Ultimately, if he really believes that, is he the sort of guy you want to be with? I'm not sure I could go on with that hanging over me.

Sinall

shellyboo wrote: »

He sounds super defensive. He needs to apologise for what he said, if not what he did. I wouldn't jump to accusing him of cheating, but cheating is never acceptable, no matter how drunk you are.

Ultimately, if he really believes that, is he the sort of guy you want to be with? I'm not sure I could go on with that hanging over me.

I agree with Shellyboo. He may not have cheated but his attitude/reaction to the whole thing is a bit strange.

It might not make me instantly want to break up with someone but it would make me cautious and I would be having doubts. And I don't think that's the way I'd like to be.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks guys - he still wont talk to me about it...just says he's no idea what happened, he did get home, but only because his mates were staying with them and needed to stick with him for the key! It just really stings what he said to me.

Apparently he cant regret it happening considering he cant remember it and that he's not going to kiss my ass apologising. Am seriously thinking of ending this over his whole flipant attitude but I do love him dearly.

I always look at things that if a person cant open up and at least try and explain/talk about a situation, then they are hiding something,, his remarks are also totally uncalled for, he knows that this is bothering you and he dosent care less,, really think there is something going on here that he dont want you to know about - not sure if its cheating, but there is defn something there,,, you do not feel insecure for no reason!!!

LegacyUser

Listen, no point in beating around the bush, from what I can see he did something he shouldnt have. Seriously if I didnt hear from my boyfriend from 2.30am when he KNEW I was looking for him until 4pm the next day and then got some fuzzy excuse of "he cant remember"
Id drop his ass as fast as I could, because in 6 months time when you do find out that something happened you wil regret not walking now.

LegacyUser

I know I shouldnt but I think a lot can be said about someone from his mates, like my boyf mates are anti cheating and think im sound and tell him he is lucky to be with me, that makes me feel a lot more secure when he is out on the beer with them.

Im SOOOO sick of hearing the "i was drunk so i couldnt control myself", read about the experiment on drinkaware.ie, if people think they are drunk they give themselves licence to do whatever they want because, hey, they have a good excuse right? Good to know cause I'm in a long distance relationship and now if i ever feel like a bit on the side all I have to do is knock back a few vodkas and hey presto, throw me in the direction of the next cute guy! If someone has total blackouts and is unsure of what happened then they shouldnt drink so much, the "my drink got spiked" is stupid as well, they say most rapists use drink instead of date rape drugs because it has the same effect so he obviously drank too much. Why couldnt he call you the next day before 4? Im sorry but its hurtful and maybe it isnt a dumpable offence but it is serious cause for concern, and you need to let him know that this behaviour is not to be tolerated and you deserve respect, and yes he should be apologising like mad to you. What is most upsetting if I was in your shoes isnt the coming home at 4 in the day (sometimes guys do benders and forget to call/too drunk to call/dont want to seem whipped in front of their mates) but that he thinks its ok and that what he did was totally excuseable, and that if something did happen then it wasnt his fault. These are not the thoughts and actions of a real man who respects women, these are the actions of someone who likes their life and wont make any compromises for the one the love and disregards their feelings because they want to act like a single guy and have the comfort and stability and love of a girlfriend. sometimes its hard to break up and its easy for everyone to say dump him but you have to think of you first. i find it easier to think of other blokes i was "in love" with and how someone else comes along and its not the end of the world!

Take some time to yourself, think about how you feel and try and come up with some plan to try and protect you if he turns out to be unworthy and some way to compromise and live with his selfishness and attitudes.

Best of luck and I really hope it works out for you!

VaioCruiser

Well OP - it comes down to this. Do you love him ? do you care about him ?

If you don't then dump him.

If you do - then show it and forgive him and get on with life.



All the best.