Advice Wanted

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6+ years. This weekend I want to travel to england from friday till monday to play in a big nerdy tournament. (Think wargaming or yu-gi-oh)

I've been to a good few of these before and nothing bad has ever happened. Its just nerdy guys hanging around talking about nerdy things playing nerdy games and on the sunday night before we all head off we go on a big drinking session.

This time however my girlfriend has told me that if I go she will break up with me and any I want to go to in the future I have to bring her.

She's never been entirely comfortable with me going without her but I did bring her to one and despite numerous warning that she would be she was bored out of her brains at it. I've said to her plenty of times also if its a case of she also wants to go travelling I will go with her on any trips she organises or she has my full blessing to organise trips with her other friends if she wants.

I feel like I dont want to be in a relationship where she can forbid me from doing things when she wants. I understand that might be the case when we're married and we have kids and stuff and I have responsibilities but right now we're both living at home and just working part time so it's not actually affecting anything in a negative way except the way she feels.

wylo

Call her bluff. If she actually does break up with you after then your better off.

ManOfMystery

I agree. This is really no different to you going on a lads weekend, or a stag do, etc - and the fact that you brought her before should make her feel a bit more re-assured that it's nothing more than a gaming weekend.

She's totally out of order for giving you an ultimatum, so I would also call her bluff - just go. If she doesn't like it, tough s**t.

KittyeeTrix

That my love is a big dose of "emotional blackmail" and if you let her do that to you now she will do it to you forever.
It is akin to a child having a temper tantrum in a shop for sweeties.....
Anyone would tell you in the case of a child's tantrum that if you give in you are setting yourself up for the next episode.
I would tell her she is being unreasonable and that you are open to compromise with regards to future trips away but that you will not be emotionally blackmailed like that...

I have been with my partner 17 years and have been married for the past 5 of them. We have reared 4 children together and that is because we have never resorted to a low down tactic like blackmail.....
Discussion and compromise is the key to maintaining a long term happy healthy relationship, well, it worked for us:)

Hope you find a way to resolve this difficult situation with your girlfriend.

I would say tread carefully when speaking with her 'cos as a female I know well how we can work a situation to get what we want.
I could have used similar threats when my hubby wanted to go away kayaking but I've always known that doing so would cause him to resent me in the long term. I didn't and we always came to a reasonable compromise which has seen us close to our 20th year anniversary as a couple:)

Best of luck love

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm a 26 year old girl and I've always had a bit of a jealous/possessive streak...but this is just silly of her. She has no reason whatsoever to be insecure about you going. It all sounds very innocent. It's the equivalent of you banning her from going on a spa weekend with the girls. You're entitled to indulge your hobbies and go on a night out with like-minded people too.

Does she "forbid" you from doing other things too? It may be that she's carrying insecurities from a previous relationship into yours. Does she have many other friends? Maybe she just gets a bit lonely and resentful when you're gone. That's not your fault but definitely encourage her to get into her own hobbies and she might understand why you love these weekends. She may even be subconciously resentful and jealous of the fact that you enjoy something that has nothing to do with her, though may not even have formulated these thoughts enough to articulate them.

LegacyUser

I hav a feeling that it probalby goes a bit further than "she won't let me go". OP, have you ever done anything to make her doubt you, have you broken the trust? If you can say honestly that you never have then go -coz that means its her own insecurities. if you've done something to cause these insecurities then maybe you should reconsider.

LegacyUser

Original OP here.

Yes I should have mentioned that 5 years ago I did break the trust. We broke up for about a month or 2 and got back together after that. SInce then I've fought tooth and nail to regain her trust but no matter how things are going whenever something big comes up it's clear she's not at 100%.

I've gone to A LOT of these events before with friends and nothing has ever happened. At this stage the way its coming to a head now I'm thinking the trust will never ever be regained and it might not be worth fighting for any more.

OS119

Unregistered wrote: »

I hav a feeling that it probalby goes a bit further than "she won't let me go". OP, have you ever done anything to make her doubt you, have you broken the trust? If you can say honestly that you never have then go -coz that means its her own insecurities. if you've done something to cause these insecurities then maybe you should reconsider.

disagree entirely.

regardless of whether he's 'given her cause' in the past (just seen the above post) she's treading a very nasty path of blackmail and domination, neither has any place in a relationship.

forgiveness means forgiveness, not 'forgiveness till you do something that gets on my tits and i drag it up to bash you with'. she should either accept his plans and be happy with them, or if she's sufficiently unhappy - if she believes he's going to cheat - she should leave anyway.

attempted cheating is no less an offence than actual cheating - its merely a matter of luck and competence. if she had genuine suspicions caused by previous problems she'd be off like a shot, the fact that she's just giving it out with blackmail suggests that she doesn't have any actual problems with this trip, merely that she's using it as a convenient opportunity to asert some control.

nasty, nasty peice of work. treat accordingly.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered OP wrote: »

Original OP here.

Yes I should have mentioned that 5 years ago I did break the trust. We broke up for about a month or 2 and got back together after that. SInce then I've fought tooth and nail to regain her trust but no matter how things are going whenever something big comes up it's clear she's not at 100%.

I've gone to A LOT of these events before with friends and nothing has ever happened. At this stage the way its coming to a head now I'm thinking the trust will never ever be regained and it might not be worth fighting for any more.

OP - you have said it yourself, she will never ever allow you to forget your mistakes and there seems to be an uncomfortable amount of 'control freakery' involved here.

You have been dating 6 years ?? that is a long time so there must be a lot of other stuff going on. If it is along the same lines then it's never too late to reassess what is going on and where you stand - and get out before it's too late.

All the best.

blairbear

OS119 wrote: »

disagree entirely.

regardless of whether he's 'given her cause' in the past (just seen the above post) she's treading a very nasty path of blackmail and domination, neither has any place in a relationship.

forgiveness means forgiveness, not 'forgiveness till you do something that gets on my tits and i drag it up to bash you with'. she should either accept his plans and be happy with them, or if she's sufficiently unhappy - if she believes he's going to cheat - she should leave anyway.

attempted cheating is no less an offence than actual cheating - its merely a matter of luck and competence. if she had genuine suspicions caused by previous problems she'd be off like a shot, the fact that she's just giving it out with blackmail suggests that she doesn't have any actual problems with this trip, merely that she's using it as a convenient opportunity to asert some control.

nasty, nasty peice of work. treat accordingly.

I think this is a bit harsh. Calling the girl a nasty, nasty piece of work is unnecessary. For some reason, maybe even unknown to the OP, she's very insecure and uneasy with him going away. You haven't even said, OP, if it's cheating that she's so concerned about. Do you contact her a good bit when you're away? I know with my ex-bf, I HATED him going away, not because I didn't trust him but because he'd go completely off the radar and just seem to forget how to use a phone. He'd never reply to texts etc, and that used to make me very upset. You shouldn't have to call her every five minutes but maybe if you promise to call her X amount of times and send a few cute texts without her having to ask? It's sounds like a little, petty thing to be annoyed over, but it makes a big difference in terms of trust.

You also really need to examine where this lack of trust is coming from and if it's just to do with a temporary split five years ago. Did you cheat on her prior to the split?

Moomoo1

OP - you need to sit her down and ask her _why_ she is doing this. If this is a trust issue relating to 5 years ago, then explain to her that 5 years is a hell of a long time and the fact you are still together means that there is no excuse for her not to trust you.

I suspect that it there is also a bit of neglect, that you might not have been paying enough attention to her? Ask her if that's how she feels.

Point to other female friends you guys have who are ok with their OH's doing things like this. Tell her that this thing means a lot to you, and that you don't deserve not being able to go.

If nothing else, she will respect you for standing up for yourself.

LegacyUser

I dont think its healthy to "forbid" or "blackmail" someone in a relationship and my view is if you allow this to happen, it will just get worse because before you know it you wont be able to meet your buddies for a pint.

The lack of thrust needs to be sorted.... I think the fact that you are questioning this is really saying you know its not right but need to hear it from someone else!!!

I agree with comment earlier, re assess the situation and see if it's way you want going forward.... had to make a harsh call in similar situation and never regretted decision

Do you thing, Live YOUR life!!!