Love?

conman78

Right have a strange one and just looking for a few opinions..seeing girlfriend for couple of months and only officially since end of may. Anyway, told me she loved me last week several times, I had told her same few weeks before, then on sat nite said how she needs space cos has someone else on her mind...the someone is her ex. I knew she loved me for while just by looking at eachother etc. She was trying to do the whole friend thing, wasnt too certain what was going on. Says she doesnt love hime at all and agrees that she needs to cut all ties with him but still not sure where I stand.

Is it a case that a) your dumped get over it?
b) has mixed emotions about letting go of the past?
c) ex deserves a smack for sabotage?

any thoughts are most welcome.

Virgil°

Id say she never truely got over her ex and what you have been part of is whats commonly known as a rebound relationship. If this is true then the relationship was probably doomed to end from the beginning(this has no bearing on you by the way).
A few months in is probably about the right timeframe too.It goes something like this(there are of course exceptions but in general):
Your Girl leaves guy she was with, starts going out with new guy before doing any proper grieving for her previous relationship.For a while things are great and fairly intense(few months). But then suddenly out of the blue she realises she hasnt dealt with any of the emotions or hardships that one is actually supposed to deal with when a relationship ends. And the new relationship starts to fail as a result.

Says she doesnt love him at all and agrees that she needs to cut all ties with him but still not sure where I stand.

This to me sounds like a lie. She doesnt love him at all but hasnt as of yet severed contact?

Wibbs

What Virgil° wrote. It's almost letter perfect for a rebounder. The contact is almost never a good sign. I don't believe her when she says she isn't in to him and she loves you.

Well not quite. It's more subtle than that IMHO. I would say she likes you, but not quite enough to scrape the other guy off. He fulfills something in her that you don't. He must do or he wouldn't be in her life to the degree he seems to be. That goes the other way too. You fulfill something in her he doesn't or didn't(of course if he has changed then you won't usually last long). When she's with you, she feels good stuff for you, but maybe when you're not around or she talks to or worse meets him, she feels something for him. Pretty standard stuff. Boringly common I would say. I've been both in your position and her exes.

In my experience of that type of person? Basically she sounds like the type of person who doesn't examine her actions and tends to jump with her emotions. Then isn't so sure, or not sure enough about taking the next step with you. They also tend to be self centered types. The type to be never satisfied with their decisions for very long. It's all about them. As I say that has been my experience on both sides of the fence with the benefit of hindsight.

My advice? I would try not to fall to hard for her. Indeed I would let her go, unless she takes actual steps to move on. Difficult I know, but I look at it this way, you're in the great early stages of the whole love vibe. It's the passionate, getting to know you, in love stage. That's great, but do you want to be in that stage of a relationship where she's looking over her shoulder and thinking of someone else? What's it going to be like down the line? As I say and obviously IMHO, that's one of the best times a couple has. You don't want to be sharing it. If her ex came on here I would be telling him to scrape her off too BTW. No use for him in probable limbo(doubly so if she dumped him for you), no use to you as you're sharing her affections and doubt. It's only "good" for her as she has two men given her attention*.

My 2 cents anyway.

*In the context of this I'm saying "her", but I can think of two men who have pulled this same guff with women in their lives. Emotional daftness is not gender specific.

VaioCruiser

conman78 wrote: »

Right have a strange one and just looking for a few opinions..seeing girlfriend for couple of months and only officially since end of may. Anyway, told me she loved me last week several times, I had told her same few weeks before, then on sat nite said how she needs space cos has someone else on her mind...the someone is her ex. I knew she loved me for while just by looking at each other etc. She was trying to do the whole friend thing, wasn't too certain what was going on. Says she doesnt love hime at all and agrees that she needs to cut all ties with him but still not sure where I stand.

Is it a case that a) your dumped get over it?
b) has mixed emotions about letting go of the past?
c) ex deserves a smack for sabotage?

any thoughts are most welcome.

OP - do you love her ? because if you really do love her, then you will show some patience and compassion for a girl who seems to me to be trying to be as honest with you as she can. She, like most people, has had some pain and hurt in the past and is struggling with it. She has been honest with you and needs support. Give her some support and time and let her deal with it.

Of course if you just fancied her and couldn't give a damn about her then you will follow the usual 'dump her' advice above.

All the best.

conman78

Hey thanks for the answers and advice. To be clearer, she broke up with him bout year and half ago. I first met her bout 5 months ago. Only officially since May. She'd always had some sort of contact with him. Like getting back together last year to see if it would work but it defo didnt for. I'm in love with her, mad about her infact. She was the same til last week after she told me she loved me.

Even went through the whole thing, is he still in love with you. Says he isnt but dont buy it. Think he has been playing the I'm so supportive role etc, being a good head f**ker in other words.

Meeting later in week to discuss in detail and see where stands with me. More than willing to play a supportive role once she cuts him out as she's said she will..so maybe just play the waiting game if there appears to be some light, if not I'll have to start conducting new interviews!

LegacyUser

I have been the girl whose in the exact situation as your girlfriend is in now. Three months into my relationship with my new boyfriend, I realised that my ex was on my mind far too much. I think the reason for this was that my boyfriend was at home while i saw my ex frequently as he went to the same college as me. I told my boyfriend about the fact that all i was thinking about was my ex and that i didnt think it was fair to him and that i had to go and figure it all out for myself. So we took a break for a week and i thought long and hard about what i really wanted and realised that my past was the past and that my boyfriend was the future. He stood by me , gave me the time i needed to think things through and over two years later we are still together. Your girlfriend needs the time to sort her head out so that she can focus entirely on your relationship and give it her all, i have a lot of respect for her cause its not an easy thing to admit to a guy your going out with and risk losing everything. Embrace her honesty and be there for her and if you do manage to sort things out ensure that you dont bring this issue up later on in your relationship as it will only cause trouble and friction.
I think this girl will realise that what she has with you is what she wants and she'll come back and be 100% focused on your future together.
Lots of luck with it

Wibbs

VaioCruiser wrote: »

OP - do you love her ? because if you really do love her, then you will show some patience and compassion for a girl who seems to me to be trying to be as honest with you as she can.

Or is hedging her bets, even if it is below the radar of her own awareness.

She, like most people, has had some pain and hurt in the past and is struggling with it.

From what the OP has written, it's not as if she's gone straight from this guy to the OP. She's had enough time and an unsuccessful reunion under her belt. There's working thorugh an emotional issue and there's being daft. TBH from what I can see there appears to be more of the latter than the former

She has been honest with you and needs support. Give her some support and time and let her deal with it.

OK again my humble, honesty is somewhat overrated when it's screwing with someone elses head. "Honesty" is all too often used as an excuse by those caught between two options. It gives them time to breathe. That's cool, but the OP doesn't need to be her shrink while she does it.

Of course if you just fancied her and couldn't give a damn about her then you will follow the usual 'dump her' advice above.

I am defo not one of the dump 'em brigade. I have forgiven some mad stuff in the past. I mean truly forgiven too, not just tolerated, as is often the case.

I see it this way; life is too short and love is too precious to waste it on those who aren't sure of what they want. It sounds dead easy going and rosemantic to go for the pure acceptance, but reality tends to bite one on the arse way too much for comfort when that theory is applied. Love is not black and white. Relationships are not black and white, but personally I would feel the grey in this situation should be minimised. And it isn't really. Actions not words.

She says she loves the OP. Well on the occasions where I've been in love, exes are not on my mind. They may be present as a salutary lesson, they may even be held up as a partial example of how things can be good, but they're not in the present and they don't intrude on the relationship I'm having. I suppose in that case I would be black and white. I'm either in love or I'm not. Within that the grey exists, but from first principles it doesn't.

All the best.

That I wholeheartedly agree with.

conman78 wrote:

Hey thanks for the answers and advice. To be clearer, she broke up with him bout year and half ago. I first met her bout 5 months ago. Only officially since May. She'd always had some sort of contact with him. Like getting back together last year to see if it would work but it defo didnt for. I'm in love with her, mad about her infact. She was the same til last week after she told me she loved me.

OK so there seems to have been enough time in her head to move on. I just wonder why she hasn't.

Even went through the whole thing, is he still in love with you. Says he isnt but dont buy it. Think he has been playing the I'm so supportive role etc, being a good head f**ker in other words.

Possibly. As I said I was "the ex" in that situation and TBH I did exactly that. It worked too, though I can be a right git when I want to be. That said, it only worked in each case because there was something I gave the woman in question that her new guy didn't. IMHO? If she had been madly in love tm, I wouldn't have stood a chance.

Meeting later in week to discuss in detail and see where stands with me. More than willing to play a supportive role once she cuts him out as she's said she will..so maybe just play the waiting game if there appears to be some light, if not I'll have to start conducting new interviews!

OK now this is coming from the git side of me and thinking back.... If she is confused etc and isn't sure what's what and you actually do love her and want to be with her for good reasons? Don't hit her with the jealousy, ultimatums or any of that guff. I relied on that as the "other guy". I relied on the fact that most people(guys especially) get jealous and twitchy if another bloke was emotionally still in play. That's a big turnoff. This goes double if he's being all calm cool and supportive. You will look bad and he will look good. Trust me.

Be supportive, but with unspoken boundaries. Tell her the truth. Tell her you love her. By all means say you understand the situation and give her the space to work her stuff out. Be confident and calm and let her work this out, but be mindful that you have options. The option of leaving for a start.

In a funny way I end up agreeing with Vaiocruiser, but from the dodgy git angle

As I say my humble.

NickNolte

OP - do yourself a favour and ignore those who are advising you to 'support' her. She wants to have her cake and eat it and if there's a victim in all of this, it's going to be you. Not her. Don't 'support' her while she sits around, confused before deciding what she wants probably without any consideration for your wants and needs, more for her own.

From what you've posted, it sounds to me like you might already be in a bit deep. Regardless, and as heartbreaking as it might sound, I'd get out of it as soon as possible. Here's a woman who told you she loved you, now seems to have fallen out of love with you and is thinking about some other guy that she broke up with 18 months ago? Come on now. Do you really want to subject yourself to this kind of humiliation? I don't care for any of these silly explanations about confused emotions - she's being selfish and immature.

Wibbs

NickNolte wrote: »

I don't care for any of these silly explanations about confused emotions - she's being selfish and immature.

I agree 100% and that's the explanation for her actions too. Self centered behaviour. She's hedging her emotional bets. She may not even realise she's doing it too. The irony with the self centered is although they focus on the self, they're usually not very self aware.

If the OP wants to get her on his side, which he does, I just offered my opinion on how to go about it. Chances are high that even if he "wins" here he'll realise it wasn't worth it. Unless he gets her at a time when she is changing in her life and copping on, down the line she won't feel it for the OP and get confused all over again.

conman78

Thanks alot everyone. Alot of paradox's to talk through with her and just see where I stand. Some things just dont add up. Am in pretty deep unfortunately, been in love before with previous ex's but not to this extent. In saying that, will be very rational about the whole thing.

If the rats are leaving the ship, I'm not gonna stay onboard irrespective of what I feel. Will be straight up when I do speak to her, tell her how I feel. Try get a better understanding of her position in a sober state this time, offer my support but give her space. If nothing a brewing there, it'll be off to one of many fine hooking up bars!