Boyfriend taking 'us' for granted? Or just overreacting?

LegacyUser

Hey there, going unreg for this one...

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. In short, I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 27 He was working at a local restaurant and the pay was awful and since last christmas he has had zero pennies to spend so for that time I would always pay for meals and drinks out, camping trips etc which I never made a big deal out of and never asked him to pay me back. He recently got a job as a delivery guy and now finished work at 4 and has 3 days off a week and hes making pretty much the same as I do.

The thing is, he's been there for a few months now, had several pay checks and whenever I suggest going out somewhere he's still always 'broke'. I know he still has some people to pay off like rent on his last apartment, yet he has the money to go out and spend with his mate for a beer after work? I am trying to look at this from the point of view that for almost a year he hasnt been able to do this, just chill out with his mates, but I can't help but take this personally? Is that silly?

Like on Friday he text me saying he was going for a beer after work so I text him saying great you've been paid will you join me at the wedding reception tomorrow night (i'd asked him earlier in the week) and he said he'd not been paid as much as he thought and he wouldnt be able to afford it. I felt so bummed by this. Why didn't it occour to him to on this one occasion not go out for drinks with his mate, save his money and join me at the wedding reception? He knew it was special to me. I just feel like he might be taking me for granted. The only money he does spend on going out and socialising I'm never involved in. I've made it so so clear I don't want him to pay for me, just have enough cash to perhaps pay for himself as I can't afford to pay for him all the time.

I was really upset by this and had a go at him on Friday but he's really not understanding where I'm coming from. I really don't want to accept that my boyfriend doesn't want to go out socialising with me and the only time we'll spend together is his bedroom at his mums house - because thats what it's been like for the last 8 months. He says he can see me any night of the week so whats wrong with him going out for a drink with his mates. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, I love that he goes out with his mates because then I dont feel bad for seeing my friends. He knows how much I love socialising with him, going out and having drinks with him, but he just seems to not want that with me?

I feel like he's taking 'us' for granted and just thinking he has to make no effort to make it work. I love him with all my heart but this is really hurting me now. Is he taking me for granted or do I just need to wise up and see things from his point of view?

Thanks.

sunzz

Wow, you seem like the most down to earth girlfriend in the world and I think he also realizes this

I think he knows that he can get away with blowing off all the social occasions that come with having a girlfriend *wedddings, nights out, weekends away" as they're sometimes just not as good as the crack sitting around a table with a bunch of lads getting hammered and talking ****e

I would really really talk to him about this and tell him that it's hurting you that it seems he's choosing his friends time and time again over the VERY rare by the looks of things few social events that you want to take part in, if he only knew how much you loved him and just want him beside you for one night to show off then maybe he'd change his mind. To me it seems very selfish on his part.

If I had a gf who was so understanding and financially supportive through the bad times the 1st thing I'd have done when i was on my feet would be to make sure she had something that showed I appreciated every bone in her body.

I hope it works out for you, but don't hold it back on forums, talk face to face.

Sinall

It sounds like maybe he has gotten accustomed to you paying his way, so now that he has a bit more cash he is using it for socialising with his mates. Which isn't on, but he may just be chancing his arm.

You have explained it really, really well to us here. I know it's harder to explain things face to face but hopefully if you explain it just like that he will see where you are coming from.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thank you so much for your kind words. I think Im going to talk to him about this. I won't yell I won't scream but I'll tell it how it is I think, otherwise I'm just going to be in this situation over and over again....he can hate what I say but at least he knows.

Thanks again, xx

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Was he always like this?

I could have written that post about my ex its so similar. Except we lived together and I always had to pay our bills, he would pay me back but he always seemed broke. Though he would see his mates 2 or three times a week at least and alot of the time he would end up out with them till 4am. He said they paid alot for him.

But WE never did ANYTHING! If I did mangage to get him out for a drink he would want to head home after a few saying he was broke. He also thought just the fact that we were both in some nights that it meant we had hung out properly. I basically felt unappreciative and realised that we were different. I want a boyfriend who I can go out witha dn have a laugh in a social situation. Someone who sees me as fun He loved me but he was was a guy who likes to keep the different sections of his life seperate and I hardly ever met his mates.

Just be aware thats all I am saying. You may just be different and he may never include you.

But you are both young, I am a little older. So talk to him and see what he says. Dont get mad, as that will make him not think hanging out with you is fun!Just be honest. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Not, not always.

When he had money with his job when we first got together we would go out for drinks, meals, cinema. We did a lot of stuff together.
It's just now he will let me pay for something when i know he could afford it himself. Like he knows I'll pay so he wont bother spending the money. Or if I suggest something to do together he would rather save his money for something else - its the imprression I get and it annoys me.

I'm just accepting that for a long while now he hasn't really had the oppertunity to go out with mates for even a beer because as sad as it is he hasnt had many friends until recently(thankfully he has moved on from his old mates - they were very bad for him!!) . I want him to do that because every bloke wants a good time over a beer with his mates, but I'd like him to give me a thought in the process too. Like, 'I'll have a couple of beers after work then ask if my girlfriend wants to go out for a meal.' Instead of blowing all his cash in one night, and not with me.

He does like to include me with his friends, only on Saturday I went to a bbq with a big group of his mates. He does have very big trust issues - not with me as such, but with everyone in his life - and I know the friends he wouldn't trust, say, are the friends I don't see - not that I'd want to. I think that's where it stems from. So he putting himself in a catch 22 really, but it's impacting on me.

I'll try and bring it up gently I think. I know he knows I wouldn't be getting on at him, I know he'll give me the time of day.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Or if I suggest something to do together he would rather save his money for something else - its the imprression I get and it annoys me.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there yourself, OP. This is exactly what he's doing... he's putting socialising with his friends ahead of socialising with you.

That's really hurtful, and I'm not surprised you're upset. If you explain it to him that way, he might begin to see your point. This really isn't about the money, it's about him making you feel worthwhile and valued as a gf.

LegacyUser

It's definitely not about the money, I don't begrudge a penny I spend on him, I'd just appreciate it if he could use his head to understand I like socalising too!!!! I suppose it's just a gensture I'm looking for. The more I build it up in my head the more pressure I put on the whole situation so I might just raise my issue and then let things settle and see what happens.
I just can't imagin losing him, do you know what I mean. I love him more than life itself and everything else about us is just wonderful, but how much do you compromise your own feelings of happiness for that overwhelming feeling of love. I feel like I'd be a fool to throw it away, I've never felt love like this before....oh so difficult!!!!!!

Trixielicious

How about suggesting that you have one night a week where you do go out together, a regular date night so to speak, something different each time and on the weeks when he says he is too broke then tell him something simple like picnic together would do? It might help him realise that you need time together outside of his room!! Dunno where you live but Dundrum cinema had some great deals on lately. Being broke is no excuse not to spend time together.

I think he just got used to you being so supportive to him. He's very lucky to have you!!!

StormWarrior

It sounds like he's really taking you for granted. When you spend all of this time in his bedroom at his mum's house, do you usually have sex? Because it kind of sounds to me like he wants to live the fun single life with his mates while keeping you on reserve so he's always got sex when he wants it.