I Cheated

LegacyUser

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year now. She was my first real sexual partner, and I hers. We explored sex together, and discovered what we liked and didn’t like etc. It was wonderful to learn together.

Having previously not done much sexual stuff before meeting my gf, its always been on my mind, what sex with other people was like. I brought up the idea of a threesome with my gf, but she brushed it off and didn’t like the idea. She's very much protective of me, and the idea of me being intimate with someone else would only play on her mind.
To cut to the chase, i had sex with someone yesterday. It was for me, a physical experience. No emotion was involved; it was just a physical act.

My love for my GF remains. But yes, i was selfish. I can see myself staying with my GF for life, and id rather try sex like i did, before we took the next step, and committed ourselves to each other.

I know I can’t tell my GF. If i did, it would totally ruin what we have. She couldn’t, and wouldn’t trust me anymore. She suffers with mild depression and low self esteem from time to time. I really don’t want to add to it.

I suppose i just wanted to get this off my mind. Anyone with advice or anyone who has been in a similar situation I'd really like to know your thoughts.
Thanks.

Wagon

Tell her, cos she has the right to decide to stay with you or not. not telling her would just be showing her even less respect than you have already. Not being judgemental here but this is how these things work.

Yes she might dump. And I know for you it was a "purely physical" thing but it probably won't be what your girlfriend thinks.

LegacyUser

i cheated on a previouse gf, things werent going well between us and i got drunk and had sex with someone,

i felt so guilty it made me physicaly sick whenever i thought about it.
i didnt tell her i cheated but i did break up with her, she didnt deserve to be treated like that.
i thought by telling her, it was only me looking for forgivness from her, which i didnt deserve.

Squeeonline

As much as it is the right thing to do, I wouldnt tell her. It helps no one. You still love her, she still loves you, if you tell her it's all going to be gone.

Yes you did something terrible, but if she ever does something bad, you have to forgive her.

Just dont repeat your mistakes.

Dankoozy

tsk tsk tsk... you bloody eejit

siunsfert

You worry for nothing, almost every man has been through this. You were selfish, but that's our nature...we cannot really resist to other girls even if we love just one of them. Be kind to your girlfriend, treat her well and everything will be allright!

LegacyUser

siunsfert wrote: »

You worry for nothing, almost every man has been through this. You were selfish, but that's our nature...we cannot really resist to other girls even if we love just one of them. Be kind to your girlfriend, treat her well and everything will be allright!

Ehhhh. NO...men CAN resist other women, just as women can resist other men. It's not just in your nature to cheat. It's in everyone's nature to be attracted to other people apart from your OH, and perhaps be tempted, but we're not just uncontrollable animals when it comes to sex. This is a ridiculous claim. He DOES NOT "worry for nothing"

lolli

Op,

If you think that you need to experiment more sexually with other people then you shouldn't be in a relationship, you should be single.

Liam Byrne

iwasstupid wrote: »

I brought up the idea of a threesome with my gf, but she brushed it off and didn’t like the idea. She's very much protective of me, and the idea of me being intimate with someone else would only play on her mind.

As it would many. When you brought it up, did you specify whether the third party would be a guy or a girl ? Or would you be OK with the reverse ? If so, fair enough; but if not, then you shouldn't have brought it up - you might be just as "protective" of her, etc....if the scenario arose.

Unregistered wrote: »

To cut to the chase, i had sex with someone yesterday. It was for me, a physical experience. No emotion was involved; it was just a physical act.

Can't see the appeal, horses for courses.

Unregistered wrote: »

My love for my GF remains. But yes, i was selfish. I can see myself staying with my GF for life, and id rather try sex like i did, before we took the next step, and committed ourselves to each other.

Tough call now. No, she doesn't "need to know", but in a way she deserves to. It's almost like - if you stole money from someone - they don't need to "find out" in order for the fact that you betrayed them and probably shouldn't be with them to still be a fact.

If you DO tell her, tell her for HER sake, not yours (i.e. clear-the-air, get-it-off-your-chest confession).

tanyaog2007

was it worth it :rolleyes:

Liam Byrne

siunsfert wrote: »

You worry for nothing, almost every man has been through this. You were selfish, but that's our nature...we cannot really resist to other girls even if we love just one of them. Be kind to your girlfriend, treat her well and everything will be allright!

Can I propose this as candidate for utter crap post of the week ?

Totally aside from the OP's issue (and I don't want to muddy the waters on the criticism below) but

"almost every man" has shagged someone else ? NO
"almost every man" has cheated ? NO
"we cannot resist other girls" ? YES WE CAN ; well, REAL men can, because it's the right thing to do.

IMHO it's only pathetic wimps who can't control themselves.....so desperate to prove to themselves that they can [still] "get some" that they don't bother thinking twice or putting their brain in gear.

Love or relationships may not be - and don't have to be - for life; but while you're with someone you stick with that.

And if you want to play away, finish what you're in FIRST.

It's pathetic; if you gave some so-called men the choice of playing for Man United or Barcelona, and then told them the contract was dependent on not playing for some other side during that contract - ever - they'd probably be able to stick to THAT one.

So to be sound, respectful and faithful, even for however long something lasts ? Hardly that much to ask, is it ?

Zaph

Dankoozy wrote: »

tsk tsk tsk... you bloody eejit

tanyaog2007 wrote: »

was it worth it :rolleyes:

Please remember that unhelpful posts can get you infracted or banned from PI. Please read the charter if you need further clarification.

Sinall

siunsfert wrote: »

Be kind to your girlfriend, treat her well and everything will be allright!

I don't think being kind to your girlfriend involves cheating on her! (Or boyfriend, if you are a girl)

To be honest OP, it seems to me like you are trying to justify why you cheated. Okay, that might be the genuine reason you cheated but it doesn't make it alright that you knowingly and willingly went ahead and cheated.

If you want to be having sexual experiences with other women then you should end it with your girlfriend. It's not fair on her to allow her to get deeper and deeper into this relationship when things aren't as they seem to her. Any if you really want sexual experiences with other women you are likely to cheat on her again.

You can't have both (or shouldn't be able to have both!).

Wibbs

Well I'm gonna get stick for this...... I say don't tell her. If you do truly love her and this will only happen the once, then I really don't see what is to be gained by telling the woman. I really don't.

If I was her and I loved you, I wouldn't want to know about a one off like that. Love is never black and white. There exists a lot of grey in there. How many out there have done something daft, even to this degree, realised after the fact that their partner was right for them only to lose them over it? I know I have.

If someone splits up with someone, rides the world only to realise that the person for them was the person they'd left. Sometimes one needs to eat maccy dees to realise what a good steak is. Is this scenario ideal? Is it hell, but it happened and if you can cop on and move on, then it may well be the thing that copperfastens this relationship.

NickNolte

Don't have sex with your gf again until you've been tested for manky or possibly fatal diseases. If you're any kind of a man at all, which I doubt, you'll tell her what you've done and allow her to know what kind of an individual she's going out with. At least then she can decide whether you're worth staying with.

What really annoys me is that you're going out with a girl who suffers from low self-esteem and depression. She sounds like she needs a real man and not some horny little twit who can't keep his cock in his trousers. What a sad tale.

Wagon

Wibbs wrote: »

Well I'm gonna get stick for this...... I say don't tell her. If you do truly love her and this will only happen the once, then I really don't see what is to be gained by telling the woman. I really don't.

If I was her and I loved you, I wouldn't want to know about a one off like that. Love is never black and white. There exists a lot of grey in there. How many out there have done something daft, even to this degree, realised after the fact that their partner was right for them only to lose them over it? I know I have.

If someone splits up with someone, rides the world only to realise that the person for them was the person they'd left. Sometimes one needs to eat maccy dees to realise what a good steak is. Is this scenario ideal? Is it hell, but it happened and if you can cop on and move on, then it may well be the thing that copperfastens this relationship.

I my girlfriend cheated on me, id want to know so then i can decide whether it's worth salvaging. The way i see it, if she kept it to herself then all she's doing is merely deciding that she is actually happy with me. But im not being given the oppurtunity to decide if she's right for me and i don't see that as being fair. It's all very one sided and is really just the easy way out.

And fair enough, maybe you wouldn't want to know. But from what he described of his girlfriend, i think she could be the type of person that would want to know something like this so she had the chance to decide for herself. If she sees it's worth saving then grand. If not, there's someone else out there for everyone.

BraziliaNZ

it's a one night stand, these things happen time to time with adults, that's human nature, especially when there's tonnes of alcohol involved. Don't tell her, but if you feel the need to continue pursuing other pieces of ass for physical enjoyment you should probably break up with her, or restrain yourself for the time you're with her.

blue movie

you say you are having doubts telling her because she suffers from low self asteem and some depression but the fact that she suffers from these never entered your mind when you were with this other woman?
It will probly crush her when you tell her yes but think of what it would do to her if she found out some other way?
You really should tell her and if she finds it in her heart to forgive youthen you know she really loves you and you have found the perfect woman for you but in my opinion you dont deserve her at all.
You will have to answer for it some day and the longer you put it off the worse it will be.
If you are man enough to be going out sleeping with women then you should be man enough to face the consequences

BraziliaNZ

blue movie wrote: »

If you are man enough to be going out sleeping with women then you should be man enough to face the consequences

If he is clever there are no consequences because she wont find out

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. You did what most other guys have done in their lives in your situation and though it wasn't the thing to do, and it wasn't a nice thing to do - sometimes life isn't a neat little package that we wrap up like a sweet picnic basket. Sometimes we are faced with difficult dilemmas, and you faced yours. You chose one path and I suggest you are a better and happier man for it.
You are also doing the right thing in consigning it to history without trying to salve your own 'guilt' by burdening your GF with it - a deeply selfish act that many others indulge themselves in for purely self centered reasons.

I hope you shed whatever guilt you carry quickly, and wish you a happy future with your GF and/or any other future partner you may have. You a wiser and smarter guy now than before and that is a good thing.

All the best.

herya

VaioCruiser wrote: »

You are also doing the right thing in consigning it to history without trying to salve your own 'guilt' by burdening your GF with it - a deeply selfish act that many others indulge themselves in for purely self centered reasons.

Self-indulgent hypocrisy. Other halves have brains and can decide for themselves.

OP you have two honourable solutions:
- tell your gf and take it from there
- break up with her.

Anything else is just cowardice and unfair on her, especially taking into account that nothing stops you from repeating the experience if you decide to hide it now.

As said above, there is nothing wrong with craving for more experience, just don't string the girl along if you're not ready for a steady relationship just now.

Chinafoot

You wanted to try out someone else before committing fully to your girlfriend, maybe she'd like to do the same.

How would you feel about that OP? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander and all that. Why should you get to shag someone else to see what it feels like while she doesn't get that opportunity?

Tell her and give her the chance to either forgive you or walk away. Its unfair for you to make that decision for her when you are the one who couldn't commit without getting your jollies elsewhere first.

LegacyUser

Nah mate... you don't love her. Give her what she deserves now and do the right thing.

Cheeky_gal

iwasstupid wrote: »

I know I can’t tell my GF. If i did, it would totally ruin what we have. She couldn’t, and wouldn’t trust me anymore. She suffers with mild depression and low self esteem from time to time. I really don’t want to add to it.

You don't sound too guilty for someone that has just f*cked their partner over. And for the record you can tell your girlfriend, you're just too much of a coward to do it, mind you if I f*cked my OH over i'd be afraid to own up to it too. However you don't have a choice, come clean no matter the consequences, sure if she dumps you, well touché my friend.

LegacyUser

lolli wrote: »

Op,

If you think that you need to experiment more sexually with other people then you shouldn't be in a relationship, you should be single.

Very vaild point - but i cant help who or when i fall in love.

All i know is that i do honestly love her. My desires got the best of me.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Well I'm gonna get stick for this...... I say don't tell her. If you do truly love her and this will only happen the once, then I really don't see what is to be gained by telling the woman. I really don't.

If I was her and I loved you, I wouldn't want to know about a one off like that. Love is never black and white. There exists a lot of grey in there. How many out there have done something daft, even to this degree, realised after the fact that their partner was right for them only to lose them over it? I know I have.

If someone splits up with someone, rides the world only to realise that the person for them was the person they'd left. Sometimes one needs to eat maccy dees to realise what a good steak is. Is this scenario ideal? Is it hell, but it happened and if you can cop on and move on, then it may well be the thing that copperfastens this relationship.

Good advice. Thanks.
As other people mentioned, I don't want to tell her, it would only cause imence hurt. I'd rather carry that burden with me, then having to inflict it upon her, just so i feel i have a guilt free mind.

pog it

iwasstupid wrote: »

Good advice. Thanks.
As other people mentioned, I don't want to tell her, it would only cause imence hurt. I'd rather carry that burden with me, then having to inflict it upon her, just so i feel i have a guilt free mind.

Not telling her is not selfless, it's totally selfish and you're looking after yourself. You'll do it again.

herya

iwasstupid wrote: »

I'd rather carry that burden with me, then having to inflict it upon her, just so i feel i have a guilt free mind.

Nicely wrapped cowardice tied with a big ribbon bow.

The truth is that you're scared to face the consequences and if you didn't want to hurt her you should have thought about it before you went out and cheated. The damage is done, if you hide it it will only fester. If you're a good person, it will do your head in and influence your relationship in a bad way. If you're not a good person, you'll do it again again and again. You lie to her once or twice or half a dozen times what's the difference - and you don't seem to be satisfied what you have.

Abi

I was afraid to answer this in the way that I wanted to in case I got a post thrashing for it, because it effects people in different ways. Both the cheater and the cheated on. I was kinda glad to see Wibbs post, because it was what I was thinking when I read the OP.

Wibbs wrote: »

Well I'm gonna get stick for this...... I say don't tell her. If you do truly love her and this will only happen the once, then I really don't see what is to be gained by telling the woman. I really don't.

Some cheaters take the arrogant approach, see they've gotten away with it and go on cheating. Others feel scarred by the memory of it, but it made things clearer for them than ever before. By that I mean, they now know that their relationship wasn't working and split up / or see that they've lost their way, and realise how much they love their partner.

How many out there have done something daft, even to this degree, realised after the fact that their partner was right for them only to lose them over it? I know I have.

Myself included. It can only be described as a mist lifting, that had set you off course in the first place, and never has anything been clearer.

Is this scenario ideal? Is it hell, but it happened and if you can cop on and move on, then it may well be the thing that copperfastens this relationship.

Exactly.

Sinall

I can see the merits of what Wibbs and Abigayle are saying above. If the OP genuinely feels the way they have described and it has been the copperfastner then maybe its okay to keep schtum.

However, if he is going to repeatedly cheat, or feel that because he's gotten away with it once then it is okay to have sex with other women on different occasions, but it doesn't matter because he really loves his girlfriend, then its not on. If this is a once off and has genuinely highlighted the fact that he doesn't want anyone else then perhaps he should try to make a go of it long-term with his girlfriend. But if he is going to use it as an excuse for future and repeated cheating then he should tell his girlfriend the truth.

VaioCruiser

iwasstupid wrote: »

Good advice. Thanks.
As other people mentioned, I don't want to tell her, it would only cause immence hurt. I'd rather carry that burden with me, then having to inflict it upon her, just so i feel i have a guilt free mind.

Well done OP. Maturity means having to make tough choices. Telling our partner about a one off mistake is selfish for a reason. It basically dumps all of the responsibility for a decision on to their shoulders and creates a massive pain where none needs to be. The mature decision is to take that burden on to your own shoulders as you have done. There is no indication that you intend to do it again, though we all face temptations from time to time. Remember she faces the same temptation and may well be carrying her own guilt for things you don't know about.
What matters is what you share together, not what might have happened in a moment of weakness on either side. Love is forgiveness, and we need to learn to forgive ourselves as much as our partner.
No one in life is perfect and being a man is about learning how to carry those burdens without shirking them off to our partners to deal with in a duplicitous attempt to claim some kind of superior honesty.

Congrats and I wish you both well.

All the best.

Liam Byrne

I can't help but think that the OP came here for validation, rather than advice.

The only post that I've seen him reply positively to was Wibb's, replying "Good Advice".

iwasstupid wrote:

Good advice. Thanks.

Not saying Wibbs doesn't give good advice, but then again on reading back the OP didn't ONCE even ask for advice.

iwasstupid wrote:

I know I can’t tell my GF

He's made up his mind, and this was the "confessional".

Yes, his poor unfortunate-and-completely-in-the-dark girlfriend deserves to know the type of person she's involved with, but since the only person who can fill her in says he can't, all we can hope for is that the OP has indeed copped himself on and - for her sake - never again lets the following two clash:

iwasstupid wrote:

Very vaild point - but i cant help who or when i fall in love.

All i know is that i do honestly love her. My desires got the best of me.

And TBH, this is the one that sickened me. Most people would say "I can't help my desires", indicating that the cheating/fling was the "nuisance", while the above seems to indicate that loving the girlfriend was the "nuisance"; I had my desires, and I can't help that I love my girlfriend....

Sounds backwards to me.

True, no-one can help "who or when [they] fall in love [with]" but they CAN control their desires (at least, real men can).

OP - you didn't. And you're hell-bent on not telling her. So don't.

If it's a one-off and has reinforced what's there, then at least some good has come from it, I guess.

But I personally don't want to see a post from you in the future looking for validation or a confessional if you ever do it again.....because "your desires get the better of you, and you can't help that you've a girlfriend".

Liam Byrne

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Remember she faces the same temptation and may well be carrying her own guilt for things you don't know about.

When in doubt, throw mud at the victim ? With ZERO reasoning ?

If you're gonna give him THAT angle as an out, then I'm gonna throw in this:

MAYBE she's been tempted, and MAYBE she - unlike him - thought enough of her relationship to say "NO", in which case she ABSOLUTELY deserves to know, because she's proven herself to be ten times "the man" he is.

AckwelFoley

Hi OP.


I was in your position


I was with my first proper relationship. It was great, i loved her and i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Problem was however while i was working my ass off in my early 20's building a house and being sensible joe in a relationship all my mates were out drinking and having sex with different women every week. Eventually after 4 years i became enveyous of my friends and my relationship with my girlfriend sexually was becomming stale.

Eventually i cheated on her when i was drunk in a one night stand the far side of the country... eventually in time id be as sober as a judge and cheat on her of she blinked for more than 3 seconds.

I still loved her but i need to spread my royal oats, i didnt want to be 40 and married to the sme woman and always wonder what those "flings" were like. I broke up with the girl after 8 years, it was hard but had to be done.

Im now engaged to a woman and i can genuinely say i wouldnt look sideways at another woman, because for the first time in my life i can honestly say this woman offers me all i want or need, and having had my flings and one nighters i have the perspective now.

What im trying to say is, dont tell her you cheated on her, but i think you may need to break up and have those flings and a bit of fun for a few years. You cant do it while you are with her. If you want to spend your life with a woman you cant harbour any guilt or "what ifs"

If you love a woman fully you will hold no desires for other women.. drunken or not. I suspect you are young, so dont feel too guilty, its tough being young, if you are 40 and at the same.. then its time to feel guilty

VaioCruiser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

When in doubt, throw mud at the victim ? With ZERO reasoning ?

If you're gonna give him THAT angle as an out, then I'm gonna throw in this:

MAYBE she's been tempted, and MAYBE she - unlike him - thought enough of her relationship to say "NO", in which case she ABSOLUTELY deserves to know, because she's proven herself to be ten times "the man" he is.

Demonstrating only that your insistence on rushing to be judgmental is based on a vast amount of ignorance of the full facts of the situation.
My approach to expressing my opinions here is to be helpful to the poster to deal with their dilemma, not act like the Spanish inquisition based on selective evidence and one side of the story.

herya

VaioCruiser wrote: »

It basically dumps all of the responsibility for a decision on to their shoulders and creates a massive pain where none needs to be.

It's not the responsibility for a decision, it's the right to a decision. And he has no business in denying her this right. She's not the one who blew it.

Liam Byrne

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Demonstrating only that your insistence on rushing to be judgmental is based on a vast amount of ignorance of the full facts of the situation.

You're the one suggested that she might have her own skeletons in the closet, or hidden reasons to feel guilty:

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Remember she faces the same temptation and may well be carrying her own guilt for things you don't know about.

If we're talking about making up stories, my scenario is AT LEAST as valid as that, and the Spanish inquisition reference equally applies; even more so, since the above was posted in isolation as "a possibilty", and my post was purely as an alternative scenario based on THAT post; i.e. it's not something I would have posted/suggested on it's own, simply BECAUSE I "had no factual basis" to suggest such a scenario.

Basically, don't post guesswork and supposition to support your stance, and then object when someone else does likewise.

herya

snyper wrote: »

I still loved her but i need to spread my royal oats, i didnt want to be 40 and married to the sme woman and always wonder what those "flings" were like. I broke up with the girl after 8 years, it was hard but had to be done.

Fair play to you, that's how it should be done if somebody's partner is not enough (which is only human).

MyStubbleItches

To the OP, you say you have been with your girlfriend for a year, that's not an insignificant length of time. When one considers that you say you love her and can see yourself spending the rest of your life, it baffles me as to why you would decide to jeapordise that. You even say that the two of you have discovered the joys of sex in that time together. Sex with someone you love is infinitely more pleasurable and fulfilling than a one-night stand, IMHO. You should be counting your lucky stars that you are in that enviable position, not looking for a quick, illicit, curiosity-quelling shag with someone else.

This is just my opinion on love, I expect differing views. To me, when you are in love with someone, that person becomes the most beautiful, attractive and sexy person IN YOUR EYES. This doesn't mean that previously attractive people cease to be so, just that they pale in comparison to the person in your life. I can't figure why you chose to stray if you say that you are in love with this girl.

You need to have a good, honest chat with yourself. If you genuinely think that your curiosity has been sated and that you will never be tempted to stray again, then move on with your life together with this girl and be what she deserves you to be. If you can't see yourself being faithful, let the girl go so she might find someone who can. I don't think that confessing to her would do anyone any good whichever decision you make, even though it makes my blood boil.

Whatever you decide, you should hope that no-one does the same to you.