My secret shame. Abuser?

LegacyUser

In the light of the Ryan report there has been a lot of discussion on abuse and the abusers.
Which stirred up a lot of bad memories.

A lad in late 20's.
When I was 14 or so started secondary school and was starting to discover sexuality.
And I gotta say I did stuff I'm ashamed of.

Like start some stupid game of doctor and nurses.
So I might have kissed my sister for a few seconds. Or lied on top of her and got her to show her privates. Eh, both situations happened once. She was about 10.
I also covered myself with a blanket and masturbated while she and my even younger brother were in the room and playing Nintendo.

Yes sickening looking back on it now. But that's about the extent of it. Nothing more

Let me say this stopped then and never ever repeated itself.
And my younger sister have grown up since, have had boyfriends since and never a word ever said about it.

Not sure what my parents thought, I doubt they ever knew.

I'd forget this for years and years and then sometimes I remember it.
Is this something I need to antone for?

Sinall

I have read that it is common enough for children to partake in that type of activity when they are becoming aware of sexual feelings and attractions. This can seemingly occur at quite a young age. I'm afraid I don't know much more about this, or whether or not it mostly occurs at younger ages than 14. When I was about 16, I caught some of my much younger cousins (like, 7 and 8) up to similar kinds of things, which was a result of their natural curiousity and probably things they had heard/seen on television!

It might be worth talking to someone who knows more about this area, maybe a counsellor, or similar.

smurfs

I think most of us have taken part in doctors and nurses when we were young.:oI remember when i was about 11 playing such a game with a close female friend.The important thing now is that you are grown up and mature to know right from wrong.

LegacyUser

I'd say just forget about it, Everyone has things like this they'd rather forget about.

I showed my penis to my younger sister when I was 7-8 and she was very young. I don't know why I did it but it was only that one instance.

If your sister feels she was abused than she'll bring it up. But i'm sure that it is just something she's forgotten about or that she sees it as just chilhood stuff.

If you want to put your mind at ease you could ring a support group and get their opinion.

KiLLeR CoUCh

What strikes me as odd about this isn't your behavior, it's the age you were when you did it. Lots of kids would behave like that, I think it's a phase everyone went through. For most people I know however, they remember playing doctors and nurses and everything that entailed when they were five and six... Not fourteen

Firetrap

Maybe the OP's curiosity about sex took a bit longer to develop than other kids. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. He's now an adult, knows what he did was wrong, hasn't done it since then and is bothered by it.

I think the question is, does he have a chat about it with his sister or say nothing? All depends of course on what sort of relationship they have these days. I think on balance it might be as well to say nothing and to put the episodes to the back of his mind.

Jesus Wept

abuser? wrote: »

Let me say this stopped then and never ever repeated itself.
And my younger sister have grown up since, have had boyfriends since and never a word ever said about it.

Not sure what my parents thought, I doubt they ever knew.

I'd forget this for years and years and then sometimes I remember it.
Is this something I need to antone for?

Her having had boyfriends doesn't tell you anything about to what degree this has affected her.

Unregistered wrote: »

If your sister feels she was abused than she'll bring it up.

What are you basing that on?
I think it's highly unlikely she'd bring it up, most abuse is never brought up, and I speculate even less so in incestuous instances.

Firetrap

The-Rigger wrote: »

Her having had boyfriends doesn't tell you anything about to what degree this has affected her

That is true. I'm curious to know what sort of relationship the OP has with his sister nowadays. Are they close? Is she wary of him?

cowzerp

abuser? wrote: »

In the light of the Ryan report there has been a lot of discussion on abuse and the abusers.
Which stirred up a lot of bad memories.

A lad in late 20's.
When I was 14 or so started secondary school and was starting to discover sexuality.
And I gotta say I did stuff I'm ashamed of.

Like start some stupid game of doctor and nurses.
So I might have kissed my sister for a few seconds. Or lied on top of her and got her to show her privates. Eh, both situations happened once. She was about 10.

I'd forget this for years and years and then sometimes I remember it.
Is this something I need to antone for?

Young kids can do stuff like this without really grasping what there doing, but at 14 its a bit more serious and wierd as your not a small child, as said already maybe you where a slow developer and i'd add lacking in cop on at that age, going by how you feel and how you are now i'd say leave it behind as its not too serious luckily, Your sister may not even remember it as it sounds quite innocent, if she does maybe just tell her that it was nothing and you did not understand it at the time, but you risk causing a problem that she does not have by bringing it up.

trio

This reminds me very strongly of a story that a pal of mine told me.

When she was about 8, her older brother dragged her into some outbuildings with his friend and they made her show them her privates and then they touched her.

It only happened once and it was pretty brief and it went no further. But she remembered it vividly and it had certainly affected her negatively. Particularly the relationship with her brother was not what it might have been.

In the family house she was being polite to him, but there was no friendship there. She wasn't rude, she was just distant. She didn't even know if he remembered it. She certainly wasn't going to bring it up. No way.

But it did affect her relationships with guys. I think that she "put out" quite quickly in relationships because she thought that was essential, and then felt quite a lot of self-loathing. She was about 18 at this stage, he was a couple of years older.

Anyway what happened is that the older brother had a bit of a nervous breakdown, of sorts. Used to lock himself in the bedroom and was very weepy. One day she was sent up by the mother to get him down for his dinner and he started bawling and he blurted out how it had been haunting him and he was so sorry.

Anyway, I think it cleared the air a good bit. He didn't know if she remembered or not of course but he felt compelled to apologize anyway. It did help. I don't think they ever became super-close or anything - this isn't a movie - but I think it was just friendlier afterwards.

I don't think either of them told the parents when he broke down. They probably still don't know.

LegacyUser

Like most people dont worry about it , at that age , theres no understanding about sex etc.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Like most people dont worry about it , at that age , theres no understanding about sex etc.

which age are you referring? just curious, 10 there is some understanding about the fundamentals. at 14 there isa lot more understanding about sex, at 12 puberty can start, at 14 you would be in secondary school (2nd year?) and other people would have been showing signs of puberty, you would have had sex ed, your friends would be talking about girls and stuff etc. unless a person has learning difficulties then a 14 knows about sex and sexual behaviour and there are plenty of 14 year olds kissing, touching each other and some having sex at this age. Not trying to be a bitch or anything but if you were my brother i would remember and i would be uncomfortable and scared. I think you need to get counselling for dealing with your feelings of guilt and dealing with the possibility of talking to your sister about it. its not ok to play doctor and nurse past 8 really. Whether you have something to atone for depends on your sisters attitude towards this and whether she was upset about this treatment.

LegacyUser

Maybe you should bring it up with her, just go for a drink and say you need to talk to her.
Just say "So remember when we were kids......" . Put it into context with all the reports and such and thats why it's on your mind. She might just shrug it off. Just say that you meant nothing by it and you were a kid and apologise. She may well appreciate it.

patrickthomas

abuser? wrote: »

In the light of the Ryan report there has been a lot of discussion on abuse and the abusers.
Which stirred up a lot of bad memories.

A lad in late 20's.
When I was 14 or so started secondary school and was starting to discover sexuality.
And I gotta say I did stuff I'm ashamed of.

Like start some stupid game of doctor and nurses.
So I might have kissed my sister for a few seconds. Or lied on top of her and got her to show her privates. Eh, both situations happened once. She was about 10.
I also covered myself with a blanket and masturbated while she and my even younger brother were in the room and playing Nintendo.

Yes sickening looking back on it now. But that's about the extent of it. Nothing more

Let me say this stopped then and never ever repeated itself.
And my younger sister have grown up since, have had boyfriends since and never a word ever said about it.

Not sure what my parents thought, I doubt they ever knew.

I'd forget this for years and years and then sometimes I remember it.
Is this something I need to antone for?

I have read and studied this area some years ago and in 42 diferrent cultures covered worldwide it was found that discovering your sexuality with the people around you regardless of relationship was prevalent among all of them and among the most primitave cultures the adolescents were allowed to do so up until the point of sexual penatration.

One of the interesting things about this that in all of the cultures it was found that all of the adolescents who participated in this "sex play" had no sexual attraction for each other in adult life.

If you wish i can go back and see if I can find the relevant documentation to this for you.

btw as a boy of 14 you were still an adolescent which is why you were doing this, you are normal.........absolutely no comparison can be made on any level to the Ryan report, I just finished reading it. They were/are just evil.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

which age are you referring? just curious, 10 there is some understanding about the fundamentals. at 14 there isa lot more understanding about sex, at 12 puberty can start, at 14 you would be in secondary school (2nd year?) and other people would have been showing signs of puberty, you would have had sex ed, your friends would be talking about girls and stuff etc. unless a person has learning difficulties then a 14 knows about sex and sexual behaviour and there are plenty of 14 year olds kissing, touching each other and some having sex at this age. Not trying to be a bitch or anything but if you were my brother i would remember and i would be uncomfortable and scared. I think you need to get counselling for dealing with your feelings of guilt and dealing with the possibility of talking to your sister about it. its not ok to play doctor and nurse past 8 really. Whether you have something to atone for depends on your sisters attitude towards this and whether she was upset about this treatment.

This is astonishingly harsh. "Sex ed"? When I was 14, in the 1980s, there was no such thing. We had a story about some man and some woman and an apple. That was it. That was "sex ed", Irish style. Like most people, I think this is all a fairly normal part of growing up. That the OP feels some guilt or uncertainty about it testifies to his character. I think counselling might be helpful, if only to tell him what most people here have said. The sooner he forgives himself the better because he is probably the biggest victim of this weight on his conscience.

Dankoozy

not all that uncommon really

a surprising amount of people have actually shagged their sister. can't remember the exact figure but its something betwen 5 and 10%. of course none of these people are particularly proud so you don't hear about it on the street...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Bit too serious for PI I think. Talk to a counseller before you talk to your sister.

Dublin141

Wanted to make a point. I am still relatively young, there would have been sex education (of sorts) in my primary school but I didn't attend it. I was extremely sheltered growing up and had no clue about anything really. I didn't hear the word penis until I was a teen so I can imagine how some people would be sexually mature a lot later than others.

patrickthomas

Dublin141 wrote: »

Wanted to make a point. I am still relatively young, there would have been sex education (of sorts) in my primary school but I didn't attend it. I was extremely sheltered growing up and had no clue about anything really. I didn't hear the word penis until I was a teen so I can imagine how some people would be sexually mature a lot later than others.

Good point and the confusion over being more physically mature than emotionally mature makes it all the more difficult growing up. You seem to have done a good job of it if you are able to express yourself like this though:cool:

LegacyUser

Go easy on yourself man, you were a kid. Youre not some sort of sexual deviant or paedophile. If you were, you'd be involved in depraved behaviour now, but youre not. Instead youre eaten up with guilt over something that happened when you were a child and that would indicate to me that youre a good man. And even good men make mistakes. I mean honestly it doesnt sound like much but I realise its a big deal to you. Again I say if you were some manner of sexual deviant then these incidents wouldve occured more often and you would have a history of sexually inappropriate behaviour with minors, but you dont. I think maybe youre looking for atonement from others, youre looking for people to tell you that you did nothing wong and all is well. Some people will tell you this others will tell you the opposite. My point is only you can forgive yourself. And the way to do that is to feel your feelings. Which I know sounds vague and seems like crap advice, but what I mean by feeling your feelings is when you think about what happened dont try to rationalise and tell yourself you did nothing wrong or whatever. If you feel guilty, then say to yourself: I feel guilty. Even if the guilt isnt justified, admit thats how you feel. When youre honest with your feelings they stop having power over you. When you aknowledge your feelings they will pass through you and that will be that. You'll feel a release and stop torturing yourself. So sit down in a quiet room, breathe and think about what happened that time you described above with your sister and whatever feelings arise, accept them. And remember, even good men make mistakes. I reckon its time to forgive yourself.

LegacyUser

If you do decide to talk to your sister about it, please don't down play it. Allow her to react as she sees fit.
Something similar happened to me, and it was addressed by my brother an awful long time later when we were both adults. The thing is his confontation made it worse, as he played it down as though nothing had happened.
I was deeply affected by what happened, and hearing him describe it as 'nothing' some 20 years later, opened and infected an old wound.
I feel for you and your despair over what happened. But I would strongly recommend you seek counselling. I think the question you need to ask before you talk to your sister is whose need are you looking to address? If it is your own, then counselling is the plce for it in my opinion.

viggi-tea

I dont really think denial is the most appropriate way to deal with his concience really. Its easy for people to convince themselves of what they'd like to be true but the right thing would be to talk to his sister. If I were his sister, i would very much want to be approached so the situation could be dealt with. This could be something she feels awful about or even guilty about herself in some way and it would be cruel to just pretend it never happened. The only way to deal with it is to be brave and show her that you regret it.

LegacyUser

One thing I would say to you OP is to tell your partner when you settle down in a longterm relationship/marriage. My OH told me of a couple of incidents with his own sister when he was the same age. 30 years ago there was deffo no sex ed in school and he got none at home! He's still very guilty about it. He apologised to the sister yonks back but she didn't want to know. She's now banned him from her house and he only found that out by grilling his mother.
And it wasn't even anything like the OPs behaviour. Lot less serious. I'm glad I know so they can't emotionally blackmail him.

patrickthomas

Unregistered wrote: »

One thing I would say to you OP is to tell your partner when you settle down in a longterm relationship/marriage. My OH told me of a couple of incidents with his own sister when he was the same age. 30 years ago there was deffo no sex ed in school and he got none at home! He's still very guilty about it. He apologised to the sister yonks back but she didn't want to know. She's now banned him from her house and he only found that out by grilling his mother.
And it wasn't even anything like the OPs behaviour. Lot less serious. I'm glad I know so they can't emotionally blackmail him.

I know of two cases of this happening........Mmmmmm, would not rush into anything at all, people are strange.

LegacyUser

viggi-tea wrote: »

I dont really think denial is the most appropriate way to deal with his concience really. Its easy for people to convince themselves of what they'd like to be true but the right thing would be to talk to his sister. If I were his sister, i would very much want to be approached so the situation could be dealt with. This could be something she feels awful about or even guilty about herself in some way and it would be cruel to just pretend it never happened. The only way to deal with it is to be brave and show her that you regret it.

I actually think that when it gets to a certain level of conscience, it is very hard for an ordinary person to convince himself of what he wants to be true. Clearly, the OP is having a problem with this also. I had a very similar experience to the OP when I was a kid. I managed to forgive myself almost 20 years later. I remember where I was when I finally let it go, but to say it was easy is just plain wrong. It is the only ‘stain’ on my life as somebody who loves and cares for many people around him throughout his adult life.

There are many, many more guys who have done similar things to what the OP did in his childhood. It was experimental, the curiosity of a child. He didn't do it again. He has not turned into a paedophile and his attitude here seems to be that of a mature and conscientious adult who is trying to get perspective on something that is firmly in his past except for the fact that he is conscientious. A bad and depraved person would not have this distant event from childhood on his or her conscience. It was out of character, in a child whose character was not formed. The OP is being most unfair to himself. He has to forgive himself and get on with his life and offer those who love him, and whom he loves, a better man. This is disabling a good man. I know; I've been there.

Novella

I think you have yourself in a really bad way with guilt and I honestly feel for you. You were a child and you obviously had no idea what you were doing. You are now driving yourself crazy with guilt and shame. This sort of thing is really common and I'd say so many people have experienced it, more than are willing to admit it.

I wouldn't advise saying anything to your sister as you really have no idea how she will react. Perhaps speaking to a counsellor first because a lot of people are giving you advice here that is not professional and could do more harm than good. Obviously, I'm not a professional either but having experienced this before I know what a delicate issue it is and treading incorrectly here could really make the whole issue bigger and worse than it needs to be.

I'm not sure where in the country you are but if you're in Dublin or around, maybe you should check this out : http://www.dctc.ie/
It offers both free and reduced price counselling. Best of luck with whatever you chose to do in the end and feel free to PM me if you need a listening ear. Well, two reading eyes!

cowzerp

Novella wrote: »

You were a child and you obviously had no idea what you were doing.

at 14 he was not a stupid child, he clearly knew what he was doing, might not have realised it was wrong but he knew enough to know what he wanted to see.

He's late 20's so it was max 15 years ago, that was 94 at the most if not 95 or 96 so i dont know why people are going on about the 80's-he let his hormones take over and thankfully he has not turned out to be a paedo or a perve..

Novella

cowzerp wrote: »

at 14 he was not a stupid child, he clearly knew what he was doing, might not have realised it was wrong but he knew enough to know what he wanted to see.

I didn't say he was stupid. He was young. Ok, 14 isn't a child, he was a young teenager. He made a mistake and he obviously feels terrible about it. I'm not trying to defend him or condone his actions here but he clearly regrets what he has done and I think that, at least, should be recognised.

LegacyUser

OP at 14 there really isn't any excuse you knew exactly what you were doing. Did your sister ever resist? You said you'd make her play your games? How is your relationship with your sister now by the way? Honestly I would suggest seeing if your sister wants counselling being sexually abused at 10 years old and touched inappropirately is not something to be brushed off like some posters here seem to think. Its not nothing and its not common please talk to your sister and see if she wants to seek professional counselling over the matter

LegacyUser

cowzerp wrote: »

he clearly knew what he was doing, might not have realised it was wrong but he knew enough to know what he wanted to see.

He, a 14-year-old, clearly did not know what he was doing if this is how he feels, even if he might have known what he wanted to actually see. There are many things children want to see and/or do that are not in their best interests. You seem to be equating that puerile desire with the conscious decision-making of an adult. The adult has the benefit of experience, wisdom and awareness of right and wrong and, most importantly, an awareness of their own character and values. The child has none of this, particularly on the impact of an action such as the OPs.

cowzerp

Unregistered123 wrote: »

He, a 14-year-old, clearly did not know what he was doing if this is how he feels,

You seem to be equating that puerile desire with the conscious decision-making of an adult. The adult has the benefit of experience, wisdom and awareness of right and wrong and, most importantly, an awareness of their own character and values. The child has none of this, particularly on the impact of an action such as the OPs.

i was 14 myself and remember how it was, your not a child at 14, if he had been 10-11 i'd of said it was actions of a silly child but 14, that was a young lad making a bad decision and if he did not realise it was wrong at the time i'd say he would have just forgot it and not have the issue he has now..

LegacyUser

cowzerp wrote: »

i was 14 myself and remember how it was, your not a child at 14, if he had been 10-11 i'd of said it was actions of a silly child but 14, that was a young lad making a bad decision and if he did not realise it was wrong at the time i'd say he would have just forgot it and not have the issue he has now..

I think it is extremely delusional to say at 14 a young teenager wouldn't know what he was doing was wrong. At 14 you are in third year secondary school your not a child by any means. Does anyone else find it appaling that posters here are saying not to worry? a 10 year girl was sexually abused by her teenage brother that is no small matter. Honestly OP I really think you should sit everyone down and go over it have your parents there to support your sister in case she breaks down and maybe do it in the presence of a counsellor.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry for going unreg for this but I've pretty much never told anyone. When I was younger, about ten or eleven, I was sexually abused by my cousin. He's a year or two older than me. To be honest with you, OP, if he showed the remorse that you show now, I would be so grateful. Like with your story, he didn't have sex with me or anything but he did touch me. At the time, I dunno, I guess I didn't think much of it but it has affected me as I grew older.

You say your sister has had boyfriend's. So have I but I wouldn't for a second say that I've had good relations with guys. I have no self worth and constantly let myself be used. If you were to meet me, I seem perfectly happy but I'm not at all. I self harmed for years, abused drugs from early on in my teenage years and have been on and off anti-depressants for about the same length.

You can never know how your sister was affected. Maybe she has completely forgotten about it, or maybe she was like me and it was deep rooted, an issue that eats her up all the time and she doesn't even realise it.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, that wasn't my intention at all. I respect you immensely for writing what you did. I'm sure if your sister has ever been where I have been, she would appreciate your remorse. I know I would. I wouldn't want my cousin to sit me down and say it to me directly but perhaps if he sent me a letter or something.

I'm not sure what sort of a relationship you and your sister have now. If you are close then maybe she has forgotten. After what happened to me, I could never look my cousin in the eye. I got nervous if we were ever alone together in a room and tried to avoid conversation with him or about him. If she's like this, I think it has taken it's toll.

I don't think you are a bad person and I can see that this is causing you great distress. I hope you get whatever it takes to free your mind from the guilt it is feeling. Apologies for the unreg, I'm just not that brave.

Kooli

lgfa wrote: »

Does anyone else find it appaling that posters here are saying not to worry? a 10 year girl was sexually abused by her teenage brother that is no small matter. .

Thank GOD someone else said it!

I felt sick reading some of these responses basically congratulating the OP for feeling guilty as if that is enough and now he can move on.

OP, your sister could very well have been severely damaged by what happened. It WAS sexual abuse because you are her older brother and were in a position of power over her. It wasn't two kids playing doctors and nurses, you were 14.

I would follow the other advice given here that you raise it with her in an honest and non-dismissive way, and be prepared to hear how much it affected her.

LegacyUser

Kooli wrote: »

Thank GOD someone else said it!

I felt sick reading some of these responses basically congratulating the OP for feeling guilty as if that is enough and now he can move on.

OP, your sister could very well have been severely damaged by what happened. It WAS sexual abuse because you are her older brother and were in a position of power over her. It wasn't two kids playing doctors and nurses, you were 14.

I would follow the other advice given here that you raise it with her in an honest and non-dismissive way, and be prepared to hear how much it affected her.

Will mob rule please go away? Yes, there is an argument for him to say it to his sister. However, if she did not remember or if, with the passage of time, he has made it into a bigger thing than it actually was I can see that very much as being a huge source of pain to his sister. If she remembers she may not wish to have it revived. He should have some inkling of how she views him or how their relationship is; it would be helpful if he let us know what that relationship is like today and then we might be able to give better advice on this particular issue.

I think, given our limited information on his relationship with his sister, the suggestion of counselling is much better as a first step.

If he is to approach his sister I'd be more inclined to follow the advice of the girl immediately above you who was abused by her cousin: 'I wouldn't want my cousin to sit me down and say it to me directly but perhaps if he sent me a letter or something.'

LegacyUser

I really don't understand why you'd call it mob rule because people are appalled from other peoples answers.

I think that those of us who have been abused, will see this as abuse, plain and simple. Having been the 6yr old who was abused by my older brother (he was 16), I can honestly say it has ruined my life. I am now 39 and it has affected any and every aspect of my life.

14 is old enough to know that what he was doing was wrong. End of. 14yr olds KNOW the facts of life and know that even though your body is changing and you're feeling sexual for the first time, it is wrong to behave sexually towards your younger sister.

My friend is currently going through something similar. She has recently almost had a breakdown. Her 13 yr old brother would regularly come into her bedroom and touch her when she was 8. It has never been discussed in their family but she is pretty dysfunctional. Her brother has now had a baby daughter and she is traumatised at the thoughts that he may do similar things to her...

How do any of you know that his sister doesn't feel the same???

LegacyUser

OP we really need some information on how your relationship with your sister is now? What you did was vile, evil and shameful and at 14 you knew what you were doing however you can still do good by helping your poor sister get help

patrickthomas

I think people including the moderator coming in here judging the OP is extremely reckless and immature. The OP asked and the best advice given here was to see a counsellor and I would add to that, It would be much better to see a Psychologist and make sure you do not see anyone with less than a Phd.

Anyone can become a counsellor with very little real education involved. A degree in Psychology is very easy to get. From what I can see of some of the comments in here are coming from people who have some serious issues themselves.

Get off your high horse and stop judging the mental make-up of a pesonon a few lines on a forum. The person obviously is a person of conscience and thinks about things. All good. Some of the remarks posted here show that the same is not true of everyone.......but that is the way of the WWW

LegacyUser

I was a sister to brothers who thought to explore their sexual urges through me. It never came to incest but I could never fall asleep at night without one eye open. For a while there one or the other of them would be in my room standing over me. What they did when I was asleep I do not know. . . I would just scream at them to leave my room. Affected me for years. I still cannot bear for them to be near me in the same room.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

its not ok to play doctor and nurse past 8 really.

I do not in any way agree with this statement. Playing such games is perfectly natural for kids until they are in their early teens. Also this "doctors and nurses" term is a totally useless term that can mean all kinds of things to different people.

OP - I think that this subject is an extremely complex one, and not one that most people, including myself, can give satisfactory advice on.

So while it would appear to me that nothing particularly significant happened, I believe that the best thing you can do is to go and talk with a specialist and allay your fears and work through the emotions and guilt you carry with you. It will be money and time WELL spent for you.

All the best for your future.

Wagon

cowzerp wrote: »

i was 14 myself and remember how it was, your not a child at 14, if he had been 10-11 i'd of said it was actions of a silly child but 14, that was a young lad making a bad decision and if he did not realise it was wrong at the time i'd say he would have just forgot it and not have the issue he has now..

lgfa wrote: »

a 10 year girl was sexually abused by her teenage brother that is no small matter. Honestly OP I really think you should sit everyone down and go over it have your parents there to support your sister in case she breaks down and maybe do it in the presence of a counsellor.

Kooli wrote: »

Thank GOD someone else said it!

I felt sick reading some of these responses basically congratulating the OP for feeling guilty as if that is enough and now he can move on.

OP, your sister could very well have been severely damaged by what happened. It WAS sexual abuse because you are her older brother and were in a position of power over her. It wasn't two kids playing doctors and nurses, you were 14.

I would follow the other advice given here that you raise it with her in an honest and non-dismissive way, and be prepared to hear how much it affected her.

Congratulations! You have posted what can only be described as the biggist load of bull**** that has ever appeared on a computer screen. Seriously, well done! I didn't think the human race could ever get so thick but you three have proved me wrong. Have you considered writing for the Daily Mail or the Sun? Because that's the king of material that will get you a job. Really, fair play! I'm actually impressed.

OP, you were a teenager, a late bloomer and hadn't a clue. Neither did i at 14. You are NOT an abuser in any way, you wre just a kid growing up. You posted on the wrong forum here by the way, you may as well have gone on to Catch a Predator.

Skinfull

lgfa wrote: »

Does anyone else find it appaling that posters here are saying not to worry? a 10 year girl was sexually abused by her teenage brother that is no small matter. Honestly OP I really think you should sit everyone down and go over it have your parents there to support your sister in case she breaks down and maybe do it in the presence of a counsellor.

phew...i was skipping to the end of this thread to say this very thing and i saw yout text quoted.

However i think he should in no way approach her at all and use only a third party like their parents or another sibling. i dont know the relationship she has with your brother but when mine approached me all i could do was nod my forgiveness i was so terrified.
maybe its not even a thought to her now and maybe it never will be but if it does emerge the last thing she needs is the OP seeking forgiveness. Damage is done, and he's lost his right to try to fix it. there is no fixing it. Its up to her to seek counselling and whatever else she needs.
He needs to step away from her and stop trying to salve his own conscience by approaching her.

LegacyUser

You have obviously never been abused Wagon? Lucky you.

Reflector

Wagon wrote: »

Congratulations! You have posted what can only be described as the biggist load of bull**** that has ever appeared on a computer screen. Seriously, well done! I didn't think the human race could ever get so thick but you three have proved me wrong. Have you considered writing for the Daily Mail or the Sun? Because that's the king of material that will get you a job. Really, fair play! I'm actually impressed.

OP, you were a teenager, a late bloomer and hadn't a clue. Neither did i at 14. You are NOT an abuser in any way, you wre just a kid growing up. You posted on the wrong forum here by the way, you may as well have gone on to Catch a Predator.

Agree with this, There is a difference between getting abused and an incident between young siblings. The guy made a mistake, he is sorry. I don't see the big deal here.

Those of you who were subjected to abuse I am sorry and hope that you can get help.

Those of you who blame all their bad choices in life and problems on the fact that a slightly older kid touched their fanny once when they were eight need to get over it and move on and stop interuppting the help that needs to go out to people who were genuinely abused.

neuro-praxis

This thread is deeply emotive and I wonder if it should be locked.

The OP I have no doubt is tortured about his actions now, but he used physical force to lie on top of his 10 year old sister, who he should have been protecting, and forced her to show her vagina to him.

Yes, this is an instance of sexual abuse.

I would seek professional help and advice for this OP. You aren't going to go to prison. Perhaps speaking to a counsellor and then, as suggested, writing a letter of sincere apology to your sister, is the way to go.

RossFixxxed

neuro-praxis wrote: »

This thread is deeply emotive and I wonder if it should be locked.

The OP I have no doubt is tortured about his actions now, but he used physical force to lie on top of his 10 year old sister, who he should have been protecting, and forced her to show her vagina to him.

Yes, this is an instance of sexual abuse.

I would seek professional help and advice for this OP. You aren't going to go to prison. Perhaps speaking to a counsellor and then, as suggested, writing a letter of sincere apology to your sister, is the way to go.

I can understand being young, crazy hormones etc, but 14!! Come on man that's too old, I'm sorry but a 14 year old dude doing that to a 10 year old is NOT good. Late bloomer or not that's crazy and if it was physical force to get her to do this it is VERY bad.

There's not enough info on the event(s) so I don't want to just jump on the OP as being evil etc, but this COULD cause deep scars for the sister, you can't be sure.

What I do know is at 14 if I had of done that, I'd KNOW it was off to jail for me, and that it could have severe impacts on someone so young.

OP without it becoming a detailed story: how much force was involved? What exactly did you do? How is your relationship now?

R

Nevyn

Sibling experimentation happens, it is rarely spoken about but it happen it is a fact of family life for many people and something that I think should be spoken about so those that need help can get it and parents can be more aware and educate their children as they mature as that is proper behaviour and interactions with others.

It is a tricky subject but dismissing it out of hand is not helpful and neither is branding someone a monster for something they did when they were 14.

Post which badger or belittle posters are not helpful.
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

I was one of those kids. The older kid was 13 and I was 6.

I WAS 6.

Do you know any 6yr olds at the moment? Because I do. My daughter is now 6. And if a 13 yr old 'touched her f*****' even ONCE it would be abuse.

Abuse is abuse. Yes there are different levels of it. But the psychological affects of it are the same. To be sexualised at 6 is inherently WRONG. So how dare you make a comparison about a kid who was touched once, and a kid who was 'genuinely' abused.

The OP knows what he did was wrong. If he didn't, he wouldn't have posted on Boards and would be just getting on with life, not even considering the fact that what he did affected his sister.

Speak to a counsellor OP. They are the ones that can help you.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I was one of those kids. The older kid was 13 and I was 6.

I WAS 6.

Do you know any 6yr olds at the moment? Because I do. My daughter is now 6. And if a 13 yr old 'touched her f*****' even ONCE it would be abuse.

Abuse is abuse. Yes there are different levels of it. But the psychological affects of it are the same. To be sexualised at 6 is inherently WRONG. So how dare you make a comparison about a kid who was touched once, and a kid who was 'genuinely' abused.

The OP knows what he did was wrong. If he didn't, he wouldn't have posted on Boards and would be just getting on with life, not even considering the fact that what he did affected his sister.

Speak to a counsellor OP. They are the ones that can help you.

I find this a completely unfair, unhelpful and the kind of hysterical post that makes this topic so difficult to discuss on a thread like this. The sister was 10, and not 6. The OP has said repeatedly that he knows it was wrong.

Lucy Lu

This thread has gone as far as it can.

OP, maybe you should seek professional help with this issue.

Thread closed.

Nevyn

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Perpetrator Assessment and Treatment Programme – PATP

Approaches to the treatment of perpetrators of sexual violence is constantly changing; and there is currently a movement from the manual based Risk-Needs Model approach, towards a more humanistic and holistic model. This model of treatment is being applied in Australia, Britain, Canada and New Zealand. At their conference in 2006, the Granada Institute introduced their “Good Lives Model” and it was invaluable to witness this broader approach being proposed and supported by so many working in this area. On reflection it was also useful for us to determine how closely aligned with this model One in Four’s approach to working with offenders already is. Our Perpetrator Assessment and Treatment Programme is committed to maintaining best practice in the area of sex offender treatment and integrating the core principles and assumptions of a variety of goal orientated models, while maintaining a high degree of risk assessment and management on an on-going basis. In developing this programme, One in Four has responded to the needs as they presented to the organisation. In so many instances, sexual abuse has occurred within the family context. The development of the PATP has been a natural progression of the services being offered through the Psychotherapy Programme and the expertise and experience necessary to work with perpetrators of sexual violence exists within the Clinical Team.