Is my girlfriend treating me badly?

LegacyUser

I am a little bit confused, so if any of you can help me I would really appreciate it!

I have had a few medium term girlfriends (2+ years) over the part 10 years. I have been with my current girlfriend 2.5 years.

I don't think she treats me very well. She harasses me a lot, and then immediately afterwards compliments me or is nice to me or tries to act cute. This confuses me, and I am beginning to think I am in an abusive relationship.

It's really hard to give specific examples, because what happens is always quite minor, but it is constant, and as a result I generally feel a bit stressed and on edge around her.

For example, she tries to control every conversation. If I try to give my opinion or talk, she gets ratty with me and starts giving out to me. Then shortly afterwards I think she realises she did this, so she asks me for a compliment, or compliments me. This makes things so much worse, as she is jumping from unpleasant to cute.

I would say she gets ratty with me a few times a day. As a result, I have to watch my words around her, and can't really have a conversation with her without her getting angry.

She is very defensive, loses her temper very easily, and I believe has a strong domineering side.

She does have good points, but I'm beginning to think I need to end the relationship as I feel as if I am constantly under attack, or soon be be attacked.

I have spoken to her about this many times, but the problem isn't going away.

I am beginning to dislike her as a human being, and I worry if I stay with her I will forever be under attack. I have not experienced this with previous girlfriends.

Any advice?

Wagon

BadRelationship wrote: »

I have spoken to her about this many times, but the problem isn't going away.

Says a lot.

I am beginning to dislike her as a human being, and I worry if I stay with her I will forever be under attack. I have not experienced this with previous girlfriends.

Any advice?

Well this will probably never change because it looks like that's the type of person she is, i.e. a pain in the bollix. And if you are starting to like her less and less the writing is on the wall.

Gman1

Well dont end it yet. Why not try to be the domineering one, maybe all she wants is someone strong enough to take care of her. Dont be mean or abusive to her, you just need to let her know that you are boss. Dont worry about what she might think, If she does get very upset and angry with you, all you have to say is "this is how you treat me, its not nice is it?". This isnt a gauranteed way to handle the situation, and you will havee to tread lightly doing this.

Sinall

Yes, in my opinion she is treating you badly. And she knows she is which is why she follows up with the cuteness or the compliments. I imagine she panics that she's gone too far.

There are a number of reasons she could be doing this: this is how she thinks relationships are which means she can change; she's pushing your boundaries and seeing how far she goes, which means once you show her you won't take it any more this should change; or its just her personality and she is not willing/able to change that.

You say you have talked about it before but I would let her know that this is a deal breaker for you. Even by watching your words around her you are pandering to her. You have to let her know that this isn't on and in a firm, definite manner.

If you don't face this head on the relationship is on its way out or as you say above, you will stay with her and be under attack forever. And that's no way to live!

Hope it goes well for you.

Mr Benevolent

End it. If you don't you'll end up marrying her. Try to imagine your current situation x10. Double that, and there you have it. End it now or be prepared to tolerate it forever. She won't change except to get even worse.

Panda Bear

My friend you have to ask yourself 2 basic question:
Do you respect and and do you think she respects you.

Apart from Sex, fun,Rock and roll if you dont respect each other it certainly has no future at all.
If you cannot have even a normal conversation I say let her know and get out of there. Too much hurt for her too begin to understand how far and how much she has done to you. Leave it to some councillor to sort out her head or a new guy to start afresh. Perhap she needs a proper ole Man's Man to put her in her box and show her the error of her ways.

LegacyUser

Hey I know a couple exactly like this and you need to get out of this. Don't even think about the times she is trying to be cute and making it up to you, thats just her trying to be clever. She is trying to manipulate you. Don't even bother.

LegacyUser

She is like this because you allow her to be. She thinks its ok, because she is nice to you afterwards. Continue like this for much longer and you willbe trod into the ground. You sound as if you want out and just need it to be endorsed. Best of luck.

Crash Bang Wall

If you have to be watching what you say in pretty much every conversation with your gf then I think you shouldnt be going out with her.

Obviously in some conversations you may have to watch what you say eg housework vs DIY you have to be careful but if its every conversation then it should be bye bye baby Im afraid

LegacyUser

I felt I had to respond to this, cos, well, when I'm in relationships, I'm a lot like you described your girlfriend. I've messed up quite a few relationships over it. At the moment I'm single and trying to sort it out. I'm seeing a counsellor, my self esteem was pretty much as low as it could possibly be, I despised myself. had such a chip on my shoulder about myself that if anyone(esp OH) said anything even vaguely critical I'd snap.

Truth be told, I don't know if it's feasible to sort something like this out while still in a relationship, but I see no reason why not. I'd say there's a good chance she might need help with it, counselling may be useful. Maybe approach it softly softly, when you're getting along well, ask her has she noticed she gets ratty with you. She presumably is aware of it if she follows it up with compliments etc. It's incredibly difficult to change what is naturally ingrained in our personalities and takes time, but hopefully she(and I!!!) can overcome this.
If she wants to change her behaviour, and I would hope she does, suggest a counsellor and see if this helps.

I know most people will say dump her, but I can empathise with her... not saying you should just put up with it, obviously things have to change, but if you love her and want to be with her, don't give up without talkin to her and tryin to sort it.

Be as supportive as you can, but if she is unwilling to change you may have to call it a day, there's only so much you can do to help someone. Hope things will work out for you both

Panda Bear

Bad Relationship guest
Sorry If I was a bid hard and best of luck to you in what ever you decide. I know your self esteem must be pretty low at the moment so please work on that I know from the sound of it your probably a fairly decent bloke and you must have good friend who will tell you that and agree also.
Dont be hard on yourself waht ever you decide.
One way or the other it wont be easy so know this nad try be stron. Good luck with this and happy future to you

madmac187

Just get angry at her and do what she does, hate to use this metaphor but if a pup ****s on the carpet you rub it's nose in it.

VaioCruiser

BadRelationship wrote: »

Any advice?

Hi OP - you know . . . sometimes when we go with someone for a long while we can easily forget what it was that caused us to start seeing them in the first place. Sometimes that is because it has faded away.

We have like our partner for a start. And that seems to be a good reason for you to really question whether you need to need to move on to some you like a lot more.


All the best.

liah

Unregistered wrote: »

I felt I had to respond to this, cos, well, when I'm in relationships, I'm a lot like you described your girlfriend. I've messed up quite a few relationships over it. At the moment I'm single and trying to sort it out. I'm seeing a counsellor, my self esteem was pretty much as low as it could possibly be, I despised myself. had such a chip on my shoulder about myself that if anyone(esp OH) said anything even vaguely critical I'd snap.

Truth be told, I don't know if it's feasible to sort something like this out while still in a relationship, but I see no reason why not. I'd say there's a good chance she might need help with it, counselling may be useful. Maybe approach it softly softly, when you're getting along well, ask her has she noticed she gets ratty with you. She presumably is aware of it if she follows it up with compliments etc. It's incredibly difficult to change what is naturally ingrained in our personalities and takes time, but hopefully she(and I!!!) can overcome this.
If she wants to change her behaviour, and I would hope she does, suggest a counsellor and see if this helps.

I know most people will say dump her, but I can empathise with her... not saying you should just put up with it, obviously things have to change, but if you love her and want to be with her, don't give up without talkin to her and tryin to sort it.

Be as supportive as you can, but if she is unwilling to change you may have to call it a day, there's only so much you can do to help someone. Hope things will work out for you both

+1.

It sounds like me, too.

I constantly take the piss in a kind of derogatory (rather laddy) fashion. It does get a bit much at times, and the problem is I realize this and I can't stop it. It's only ever minor things, just stupid, stupid shít that I shouldn't be saying in the first place as it's not big or clever or.. anything, really, other than derogatory. And I know it. And I can't help it.

But I do know why I do it.

It's because due to my past, things people have done to me, and being afflicted with depression, I can get incredibly insecure. I'm the last one to boost anyone else's ego and I tear down any compliments that are given to me as bullshít. I have no problem taking the piss and never mean anything seriously-- as I reckon your girlfriend doesn't actually mean any of what she says either-- but when someone does it to me, I immediately get defensive. I'm insecure, I know it, I want to feel like I'm not lesser than everyone else, that everyone else has flaws like me, that I'm not the worst person in the world.

It's needy. It's wrong. And it's a horrible thing to do to someone, to bring them down to what you perceive to be your level. Problem is, I know they don't know how my mind works and I know they think I'm just being mean for the sake of it. They don't understand where I'm coming from or why and to be honest it would take me hours to explain the ins and outs of why I act like I do.

But.

I am improving. I recognize what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I say sorry now. I ask that he is up front with me when I've gone too far. I always make sure I let him know I'm only taking the piss and none of what I'm saying is true. I try to compliment him when I can (but understand, it's still hard for me to say things like that, so it's not often, unfortunately).

What she probably needs, if she's anything like me (which it sounds like she is, at least a little), is for you to make sure you let her know damn well you have a backbone. Every time she does it, don't pander to her, and react in no way other than to just walk away. I do it sometimes simply for a reaction, to feel like I'm there and noticed. If he didn't take my shít, ever, and just walked away when I was trying to dog him into reacting, I'd probably (albeit slowly) learn to change my behaviour and eventually completely stop. React positively when she is being positive. Leave the situation when she's acting negatively.

Keep in mind it's a process. Think back to when you were first together, think of all the reasons you got with her, all the good times you had, and weigh them up against the fact that this will continue, at least for a little bit, and it will be an uphill battle. You can't change a person in a day. But she's still the person you fell for, somewhere in there. Don't forget that.

You've potentially got a little insight into her side of things. Now you've just got to decide whether or not it's worth the effort.

CDfm

If you think you are in an abusive relationship check out www.amen.ie and it doesnt mean that you are in an abusive relationship but you are in an unhappy one.

They have a helpline for men 046 9023718

It sounds to me that you are not compatable with your girlfriend and she is more ratty and moody than abusive. When you get to a stage that you dislike someone thats usually a time to call a halt.

In a healthy relationship you should not feel harrassed and under attack.

LegacyUser

Gman1 wrote: »

Well dont end it yet. Why not try to be the domineering one, maybe all she wants is someone strong enough to take care of her. Dont be mean or abusive to her, you just need to let her know that you are boss. Dont worry about what she might think, If she does get very upset and angry with you, all you have to say is "this is how you treat me, its not nice is it?". This isnt a gauranteed way to handle the situation, and you will havee to tread lightly doing this.

Are you nuts ? This is a recipe for one thing only - a big fight. Don't do this

benj

BadRelationship wrote: »

I am a little bit confused, so if any of you can help me I would really appreciate it!

I have had a few medium term girlfriends (2+ years) over the part 10 years. I have been with my current girlfriend 2.5 years.

I don't think she treats me very well. She harasses me a lot, and then immediately afterwards compliments me or is nice to me or tries to act cute. This confuses me, and I am beginning to think I am in an abusive relationship.

It's really hard to give specific examples, because what happens is always quite minor, but it is constant, and as a result I generally feel a bit stressed and on edge around her.

For example, she tries to control every conversation. If I try to give my opinion or talk, she gets ratty with me and starts giving out to me. Then shortly afterwards I think she realises she did this, so she asks me for a compliment, or compliments me. This makes things so much worse, as she is jumping from unpleasant to cute.

I would say she gets ratty with me a few times a day. As a result, I have to watch my words around her, and can't really have a conversation with her without her getting angry.

She is very defensive, loses her temper very easily, and I believe has a strong domineering side.

She does have good points, but I'm beginning to think I need to end the relationship as I feel as if I am constantly under attack, or soon be be attacked.

I have spoken to her about this many times, but the problem isn't going away.

I am beginning to dislike her as a human being, and I worry if I stay with her I will forever be under attack. I have not experienced this with previous girlfriends.

Any advice?

DUMP HER

NickNolte

BadRelationship wrote: »

I am beginning to dislike her as a human being

Dump her as soon as you possibly can. If it hasn't already, it will ultimately effect your own mental health if you allow yourself to be emotionally bullied by this unstable woman.

Eve_Dublin

If you're starting to dislike the person you're supposed to be in love with, it's time to go. This girl is not good for your sanity, OP and it won't improve. I'm sure it all boils down to her own insecurities like Liah pointed out but to be honest, that's her problem to sort out.

Insecurity manifests itself in all kinds of ways....jealousy, not comfortable being naked with your OH, overreacting to off-the-cuff comments etc but you're girlfriend is being incredibly unfair to you and more self-awareness of the affect she is having on your relationship and a willingness to change on her part is the least you should expect from her. She should want to make a conscious effort if she loves you and it doesn't look like this is happening.

She's not in the right place in her head for a relationship and you'd be doing the two of you a favour if you finished this. She needs to learn to like herself so she won't have to bully you and bring you down to her level. Why would you want to go out with a person who essentially resents you?? Why would you bother your ar*e putting up with this treatment?

I've seen this behaviour in friends' relationships and it always ends with a massive blow-out that will destroy you both for many months after. Take a preemptive step and end this before the inevitable happens. You might have the patience of a saint but everyone can only take so much b*ll****.

Good luck OP!

Moomoo1

I agree exactly with Gman and liah. OP, be a man. Have a backbone, and if she tries any of it, return it with interest. First time you'll probably have a massive fight. Second time too. But eventually she'll understand that you won't put up with this any more. And she'll respect you more for it. She'll think of you as a MAN and not as some sensitive boy who gets upset at every comment she makes.

You talk about her being insecure, and she might be (although I think she's just being a woman). But aren't you insecure too? Why can't you ignore what she says, or laugh it off, or treat it with contempt, or just tell her to shut up? What confidence do _you_ have in what you say for her to be able to demoralise you so easily?

Gman1

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you nuts ? This is a recipe for one thing only - a big fight. Don't do this

Im serious some girls are mean and nasty on purpose, so they can weed out the weak or feel better about themselves . All you have to do is stand up to her, or be the exact same back. If she fights back, or it causes a row. Explain to her why you did it, and say you are willing to give up the attitude if she does. or d

AARRRGH

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I agree exactly with Gman and liah. OP, be a man. Have a backbone, and if she tries any of it, return it with interest. First time you'll probably have a massive fight. Second time too. But eventually she'll understand that you won't put up with this any more. And she'll respect you more for it. She'll think of you as a MAN and not as some sensitive boy who gets upset at every comment she makes.

You talk about her being insecure, and she might be (although I think she's just being a woman). But aren't you insecure too? Why can't you ignore what she says, or laugh it off, or treat it with contempt, or just tell her to shut up? What confidence do _you_ have in what you say for her to be able to demoralise you so easily?

I get the impression the problem is the OP's partner won't stop acting the way she does no matter what he does.

Also, I disagree he should be a hardass. That's just fighting fire with fire, which is very immature and in general just leads to more conflict and unhappiness.

Gman1 wrote:

Im serious some girls are mean and nasty on purpose, so they can weed out the weak men.

I doubt this is the case here, as they've been together for 2.5 years.

Gman1

AARRRGH wrote: »

I get the impression the problem is the OP's partner won't stop acting the way she does no matter what he does.

Also, I disagree he should be a hardass. That's just fighting fire with fire, which is very immature and in general just leads to more conflict and unhappiness.

Ye but, if he is the only one compromising and apologizing, isnt he technically being bullied? He has to be a hard ass now and then. Its the only way.

Moomoo1

how exactly is it immature to tell someone who is having a go at you to shut up?

Moomoo1

Gman1 wrote: »

Ye but, if he is the only one compromising and apologizing, isnt he technically being bullied? He has to be a hard ass now and then. Its the only way.

exactly.

I had friends like this. For the first year and a half she was running rings round him: getting upset at every little thing, starting massive fights, you name it. Then they went away for the summer, and something changed: he was now acting like the boss and she was looking like a bird with all her feathers taken out (you couldn't help feeling sorry for her actually). After that all the aggressive behaviour from her just stopped.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I grew up as a child in a house where we all watched what we said because of one of my parents had similar issue.....

Life's too short..... I agree with reply above....

Do you respect her ? Does she respect you ?

Why is it, when you are not in this relationship (if you decided to end it), you'll find your friends tell you things to confirm your right but they wont say when your together.... surely a good friend should always say whats on his/her mind ???????

CDfm

I wouldnt go with those that say fight fire with fire.

There is a book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward available in good bookshops and it has strategies for coping with unreasonable behavior

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

If you want to make a go of the relationship it might be helpful and even if you dont it might help you deal with the fallout if you split.

teddy_303

get your ass out the door. you are thinking this way because you are still there and it is hard to imagine how life will be without her around. expect her to make a big deal out of breaking up, and see she will be with someone else a fair while before you are... count on it....

Moomoo1

CDfm wrote: »

I wouldnt go with those that say fight fire with fire.

There is a book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward available in good bookshops and it has strategies for coping with unreasonable behavior

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

If you want to make a go of the relationship it might be helpful and even if you dont it might help you deal with the fallout if you split.

I don't think people are telling the OP to fight fire with fire, just to be strong and take no ***t.

teddy_303 wrote: »

get your ass out the door. you are thinking this way because you are still there and it is hard to imagine how life will be without her around. expect her to make a big deal out of breaking up, and see she will be with someone else a fair while before you are... count on it....

of course she will be. By the sound of things she is a confident person who will say 'if you don't want me, screw you' and will go off in search of someone who would have the bottle to stand up to her ribbing and ratting.

and why shouldn't she? If your partner runs away from you instead of fulfilling his role as a MAN, then you'd be heartbroken, but you would also realise that this guy just wasn't up to it and not look in his direction again.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

and why shouldn't she? If your partner runs away from you instead of fulfilling his role as a MAN, then you'd be heartbroken, but you would also realise that this guy just wasn't up to it and not look in his direction again.

So you mean its ok to argue with someone and if they dont argue back they are no good

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

and why shouldn't she? If your partner runs away from you instead of fulfilling his role as a MAN, then you'd be heartbroken, but you would also realise that this guy just wasn't up to it and not look in his direction again.

What role is that?

The OP should have to fight or put up with confrontation. Mutual agression is wrong.

Those kind of situations are fastracks to Domestic Violence IMO.

NickNolte

She's a child and isn't mature enough for a relationship. Go find yourself a real woman.

Eve_Dublin

Fighting fire with fire? Stand up for yourself and be a man? There's no need for that carry on. OP...just dump the girl. End of. It won't get better and you're wasting your time. It'll be difficult but I promise you you'll feel a massive sense of relief in a few weeks after you've got rid of this girl who's essentially bullying you for whatever reason. You can't continue going out with a person you don't like and will end up hating before you know it.

NickNolte

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Fighting fire with fire? Stand up for yourself and be a man? There's no need for that carry on. OP...just dump the girl. End of.

We agree at last. I knew you loved me really.

What Eve said, OP. Sure you can 'stand up for yourself' and continue to put up with this nonsense and continue to 'stand up for yourself' and 'be a real man' but the bottom line is that if she's isn't willing to be a real woman than you're better off without her.

LegacyUser

BadRelationship wrote: »

I have been with my current girlfriend 2.5 years.
I don't think she treats me very well. She harasses me a lot, and then immediately afterwards compliments me or is nice to me or tries to act cute. This confuses me, and I am beginning to think I am in an abusive relationship.

It's really hard to give specific examples, because what happens is always quite minor, but it is constant, and as a result I generally feel a bit stressed and on edge around her.

For example, she tries to control every conversation. If I try to give my opinion or talk, she gets ratty with me and starts giving out to me. Then shortly afterwards I think she realises she did this, so she asks me for a compliment, or compliments me. This makes things so much worse, as she is jumping from unpleasant to cute.

I would say she gets ratty with me a few times a day. As a result, I have to watch my words around her, and can't really have a conversation with her without her getting angry.

She is very defensive, loses her temper very easily, and I believe has a strong domineering side.

She does have good points, but I'm beginning to think I need to end the relationship as I feel as if I am constantly under attack, or soon be be attacked.

I have spoken to her about this many times, but the problem isn't going away.

I am beginning to dislike her as a human being, and I worry if I stay with her I will forever be under attack. I have not experienced this with previous girlfriends.

Any advice?

This sounds really positive if you are the sort of guy who gets turned on by a domineering, curt and no-nonsense woman, and this seems very like my woman, although I rarely get an apology. I don't feel stressed around her; I just do as I'm told. Sometimes I don't do as I'm told and she gets really annoyed with me, and I get a bigger turn-on than ever.

Now, if you are not getting any such reward out of this relationship I would suggest leaving it, and quickly. She is clearly deeply insecure, at best. There are plenty of people out there who will give you what you want, and if what you want is also healthy for you then you will be very blessed. There are also many great, kind and loving people who would love to spend their life with you. Don't sell yourself short.

Moomoo1

Unregistered wrote: »

So you mean its ok to argue with someone and if they dont argue back they are no good

no. Good and bad doesn't enter the equation here. Neither does "ok". The point here is that she may do it (like many other women) to get a response. To make him be strong with her and tell her in a strong way to cut that behaviour out. I am not saying it's ok or not ok, all I am saying is that's just how it is.

Have you ever heard the expression 'the taming of the shrew'? I think that is exactly what the OP need to do here.

NickNolte

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The point here is that she may do it (like many other women) to get a response.

These 'many other women' aren't women. They're emotionally immature girls. Men have as much a need for a real woman as women seem to have for a real man. It's massively counter-productive for a woman to behave like a petulant child and expect any real man to tolerate that behaviour.

OP - some people here are telling you to be a man and 'stand up for yourself'. I'm telling you to be a man by leaving the girl and finding a real woman. An emotionally retarded girl will only have the opposite effect.

Moomoo1

NickNolte wrote: »

These 'many other women' aren't women. They're emotionally immature girls. Men have as much a need for a real woman as women seem to have for a real man. It's massively counter-productive for a woman to behave like a petulant child and expect any real man to tolerate that behaviour.

OP - some people here are telling you to be a man and 'stand up for yourself'. I'm telling you to be a man by leaving the girl and finding a real woman. An emotionally retarded girl will only have the opposite effect.

yes, because running is just such a manly thing to do. 'Oh dear Mommy, that horrid woman told me a few nasties so I had to run back under your skirts.' Seriously. As for the emotional maturity of someone who would do that, I won't even go there.

Thing is, if the OP had acted like a man from the beginning (ie not allowed any sh*t from her), she wouldn't have needed to behave in this way. I think she just did it in a desperate attempt to bring out the strong man in him that she so badly wanted to see.

AARRRGH

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Thing is, if the OP had acted like a man from the beginning (ie not allowed any sh*t from her), she wouldn't have needed to behave in this way. I think she just did it in a desperate attempt to bring out the strong man in him that she so badly wanted to see.

Maybe he did act like a man? Seriously, we have no idea what the OP is like. All we know is his girlfriend sounds like a pain in the hole.

I can tell you from experience, being a hardass doesn't always get the results you expect. I speak from experience, as I'm not exactly a pushover.

NickNolte

Moomoo1 wrote: »

yes, because running is just such a manly thing to do. 'Oh dear Mommy, that horrid woman told me a few nasties so I had to run back under your skirts.' Seriously. As for the emotional maturity of someone who would do that, I won't even go there.

Are you actually serious? Who said anything about running away or even moaning to someone about it? The bottom line is that if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who behaves like a pathetic child, you get them out of your life as quickly as possible. You have a headache, you take a headache tablet. Very simple.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Thing is, if the OP had acted like a man from the beginning (ie not allowed any sh*t from her), she wouldn't have needed to behave in this way. I think she just did it in a desperate attempt to bring out the strong man in him that she so badly wanted to see.

Wow. Just... WOW. I can't believe this attitude. Are you suggesting that it's okay for grown women to behave like angry, hissy little schoolgirls in 'a desperate attempt to bring out a strong man' in their partners? Do you have any idea how incredibly pathetic that sounds? It's an indictment on the intelligence of the populous, I'll tell you.

ladhrann

Moomoo1 wrote: »

and why shouldn't she? If your partner runs away from you instead of fulfilling his role as a MAN, then you'd be heartbroken, but you would also realise that this guy just wasn't up to it and not look in his direction again.

2009A.D.

man= domineering so-and-so
woman= irrational shrew

Solution? Look inside the eye that's inside. Caveman logic I think would have no force here and such man vs. woman gender roles are redundant. You cannot browbeat someone to respect you and there is no forcing a willing mind.

If she will not respect you, suggest counselling, if counselling will not be countenanced, then you must part ways with someone who will not stop abusing you.

Moomoo1

ladhrann wrote: »

2009A.D.

man= domineering so-and-so
woman= irrational shrew

Solution? Look inside the eye that's inside. Caveman logic I think would have no force here and such man vs. woman gender roles are redundant. You cannot browbeat someone to respect you and there is no forcing a willing mind.

If she will not respect you, suggest counselling, if counselling will not be countenanced, then you must part ways with someone who will not stop abusing you.

men are still men and women are still women, even in 2009... stereotypes are there for a very good reason. Not everyone may conform to them, not by any means, but a sizeable chunk of the population invariably will.

I've lost count of how many times I heard women say 'I had a go at him to get a reaction' or 'I treated him badly only because he wouldn't stand up for himself'.

AARRRGH wrote: »

Maybe he did act like a man? Seriously, we have no idea what the OP is like. All we know is his girlfriend sounds like a pain in the hole.



I can tell you from experience, being a hardass doesn't always get the results you expect. I speak from experience, as I'm not exactly a pushover.

no, not always. But sometimes it does. He has nothing to lose, he may as well try.



I just get that feeling from OP's posts that he doesn't stand up for himself enough.

Moomoo1

NickNolte wrote: »

Are you actually serious? Who said anything about running away or even moaning to someone about it? The bottom line is that if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who behaves like a pathetic child, you get them out of your life as quickly as possible. You have a headache, you take a headache tablet. Very simple.

we are never going to agree on that one, but I don't think she's acting like a child, more like a woman in need of a MAN.

NickNolte wrote: »

Wow. Just... WOW. I can't believe this attitude. Are you suggesting that it's okay for grown women to behave like angry, hissy little schoolgirls in 'a desperate attempt to bring out a strong man' in their partners? Do you have any idea how incredibly pathetic that sounds? It's an indictment on the intelligence of the populous, I'll tell you.

no one ever suggested it's 'ok', as I've already said above. But that's just how it is: they do do it.

Eve_Dublin

Moomoo1 wrote: »

we are never going to agree on that one, but I don't think she's acting like a child, more like a woman in need of a MAN.



no one ever suggested it's 'ok', as I've already said above. But that's just how it is: they do do it.

Moomoo, with all due respect, you're advice is awful. You're telling the OP to react to this girl's crap (pandering to her need for a reaction)by "standing up and being a man" when the most effective solution is for him to walk away. This will give the girl something to think about...that she can't treat people like that just to get a reaction from them.If he was to rise to her bait, you'd get a whole lot of screaming and shouting, not much reconciliation and a whole load of resentment. If he goes down this route, it can only end in tears...if he walks away now, he has a chance of finishing things in a civil manner with this girl.

I promise you she'll think twice about treating someone this way again. I'm telling you, I've seen this happen a million times (both men and women)and it always comes down to an insecurity on the aggressors part that can only be resolved outside of a relationship. This girl is not ready for one...she's not happy in herself so puts down her boyfriend to bring him to her level or is freaking out and sabotaging something that was going great up to this...or else she's bored with the relationship and is filling in the void with this behaviour. Who knows. Whatever. It's her mess to sort out...maybe a few years down the line she'll be in a better place in her head.

NickNolte

Moomoo1 wrote: »

we are never going to agree on that one, but I don't think she's acting like a child, more like a woman in need of a MAN.

No. She sounds like a petulant, irrational and stupid child in need of a dumping.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

no one ever suggested it's 'ok', as I've already said above. But that's just how it is: they do do it.

No. 'They' don't. My fiancé certainly never did. In fact I've only ever gone out with one "woman" that was like that... and we were still teenagers.

And you do seem to be suggesting that it is ok. You seem to be advocating this kind of churlish and pathetic behaviour from grown women. Your sarcastic replies and accusations of the OP not being 'a real man' would certainly suggest this.

It's very, very simple - any women that acts like this in a relationship should be dumped. It's absolutely fooking pathetic.

Wibbs

I would have to partially agree with Moomoo1. I have many times experienced women do that with men they perceive as weak(even if they're not particularly so). I've even seen it in one mate of mine who would defo not be a childish headwrecker, but her boyfriend at the time was very emotionally weak. In her case she did it the once, realised what she was doing and left him.

I also agree with NickNolte, women(or men) who push emotionally like this as any sort of pattern or "test" should be treated in two ways. Either treat them like the children they are, which usually calms them right down, but ultimately is not a healthy relationship by any stretch, or scraped off entirely. I favour the latter, though once or twice in my "I think I can fix her" stage of my youth I stupidly did the former. Not good.

The OP should have boundaries. We all should. If you notice said boundaries are being crossed in anything like a pattern, then leave.

LegacyUser

OP i have a mother like that. They think they are the victim but they themselves are actually agressive.

Some posters are telling to fight back and others are advising against it. i can see where are both coming from.

You need to find a way to put your feelings across without it turning into just another battle. Otherwise you are just suppressing yourself and these things will build

But if you just start fighting with her you will become as bad as her. It will just be ongoing. It will be harder to get outside help as you will be seen as bad as each other

Maybe she could counselling or anger management?

NickNolte

OP - I appreciate that everyone's saying you should work on it and help her grow up. IMO, life's too short. There are plenty of nice women out there who are just happy to be happy and you should find one of them. Life is so much easier. Let your current g/f grow up on someone else's watch... preferrably her own.