Just found out wife is cheating

LegacyUser

Long time poster etc.
Anyway I just found out that my wife has basically cheated on me, or more accurately has stepped over the line. It's a complicated situation as she is seriously grieving over a close family loss and ended up getting involved with another guy. We have a child too.

She's blaming me for not being around because I have to work away from home during the week so I know where she is coming from particularly as she has a lot of free time during the week to think and not be busy with work. From my point of view, I cannot fix her grief and it seems as though she has stepped over the edge. As we've been married 15 years, we're also in that mode that you get to forget how you started it all out.

Suffice to say that I basically think this is the end for us and, without even trying, I think that marriage counselling won't be of any benefit to us. I say this because I know her and I think that some fundamental personality issues cannot be changed. For example, logically it would make sense for our family to move to where I am working as I have a good job and am the main wage earner; However she thinks I have abandoned her by changing jobs at a distance (not daily commutable) but my rationale is that I have to pay the bills, and apart from that there would be a much greater quality of life as I would have so much more time with my family without the hour and more commute each way in Dublin. She's a dub though so outside the Pale is a no-no. I work with people who have uprooted their families over continents and tbh I can't quite get round our dilemma.

Anyway I'm looking for some advise on whether mediation is good as I don't want to end up with an acrimonious split. TBH I'm in shock and shaking, I just found out tonight and told her of the evidence of how I found out and all she could say was that it was my fault as I had abandoned them. I haven't slept.

Victor

InShock wrote: »

I haven't slept.

Go for a walk, get something to eat and have a lie down.

Can you arrange for a few days off during the week? I wouldn't just throw in the towel, thats the lack of sleep talking.

How far away is work?

chickenhawk

It's not your fault. She could have talked to you.

D Warrior

I think you need to try to work through it rather than just walking away. You can choose to forgive her. But you will both have to make compromises to make your marriage work. But tbh you will have to considering moving back to Dublin if you want to keep your family. Its your decision now whether or not to leave your family. You have choices.

PCPhoto

OP - get some fresh air and some sleep.

Talk to your wife, explain to her that the FAMILY need to move in order for the family to survive - you have to go where the money is.

if she's not willing to move - like you suggest - then you might be left with the choice of....your work or your family ?

Wagon

InShock wrote: »

...I just found out tonight and told her of the evidence of how I found out and all she could say was that it was my fault as I had abandoned them. I haven't slept.

Bullshít. It's her fault. I can see why you don't want to save your marraige with her.

If you will never forgive her than get a good lawyer as soon as you've calmed down a bit. going on your post, she doesn't seem like the type of person who'd make this easy.

uberwolf

InShock wrote: »

all she could say was that it was my fault as I had abandoned them.

emphasis mine

I get the impression she hasn't slept with this fella. Nonetheless, she's hardly suggesting that she was thinking of your child when she copped off with this other chap? That's bull****, and so is the abandonment, you're making the sacrifices to put food on the table, she should follow you.

herya

Judging from what you write about the commute/relocation issue, none of you is good at compromise. If she cheated it's entirely her fault though.

Crash Bang Wall

She is grieving which is hard to deal with, but at the same time when you are the main earner in the house, she should at least be able to consider moving outside of Dublin.

Its not your fault and there are plenty of issues there. The key thing I would say at present is ignoring everything else, would you be able to forgive her and continue in a relationship. If you think thats a possibilty then counselling is without a doubt the way to go....what have you to lose when you are currently looking at it like its all over anyway?

LegacyUser

She doesn't sound as if she cares about your marriage. She probably thinks you won't split up, and if she thought this was a possibility, then she might re-think.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your posts. Gonna answer questions inline.

Go for a walk, get something to eat and have a lie down.

Can you arrange for a few days off during the week? I wouldn't just throw in the towel, thats the lack of sleep talking.

How far away is work?

I haqd benn out walking since 2 a.m. and continued walking until 10 a.m. I even went to mass for the first time in years simply because I have no-one or nothing to turn too. I've barely eaten which was good as I'm tryuing to make an effort to lose some weight - small mercies...

Work is as far as any extremity of the country is from Dublin. It's a weekly commute. I did choose to change my job change though which is why she is angry at me for abandoning the family. I left an existing job which had a pay cut for this one that almost balanced back to what it was.More importantly though is that the job change gives me the ability to update my skills and make sure I'm employable next year and the years after. If I had stayed in the old job then it was a downhill run with a reasonable prospect of being made redundant and being unable to claw-back. I work in IT and anyone in this sector knows how critical it is to be up to date.

It's not your fault. She could have talked to you.

It's true to an extent but this behaviour is so out of character for her that it's not that simple. I think I could have been more there for her in her grief, but I don't know how and I simply cannot make her pain go away.

I think you need to try to work through it rather than just walking away. You can choose to forgive her. But you will both have to make compromises to make your marriage work. But tbh you will have to considering moving back to Dublin if you want to keep your family. Its your decision now whether or not to leave your family. You have choices.

After so many years of marriage I have to work through it - Thats the benefit of being married instead of being a partner, you don't get the easy option. I don't agree about the moving back to Dublin bit as i mentioned, if you weigh up all the pros and cons, as a family we would have a vastly higher quality of life where I am now. She has been so close to her family that our own family has been always secondary which is why she won't countenance a move.

OP - get some fresh air and some sleep.

Talk to your wife, explain to her that the FAMILY need to move in order for the family to survive - you have to go where the money is.

if she's not willing to move - like you suggest - then you might be left with the choice of....your work or your family ?

I got a couple of hours sleep although my heart feels like it has been broken. I measured my blood pressure because I was sore in my chest and it was showing a constant pulse of 130 as if I was in the gym. Survival is a matter of opinion. Her thinking is pretty much immediate, I'm concerned about making sure I can pay the mortgage in 5 years. I pay almost all the bills and consequently a negative advantage is that she doesn't have to work so much and has too much time to dwell on her grief and doesn't have to worry about the future so much.

It's very easy to weigh up the work or family option on my behalf. I could of course choose an easy option of going for a job that pays half as much where we might end up struggling or basically managing but (A) I will be miserable at making the sacrifice (B) we will have to forget about putting money for my childs future education and (C) why ignore a better quality of life simply because a dub thinks that people who live beyond the pale are living in mud hits?

I get the impression she hasn't slept with this fella. Nonetheless, she's hardly suggesting that she was thinking of your child when she copped off with this other chap? That's bull****, and so is the abandonment, you're making the sacrifices to put food on the table, she should follow you.

You are correct. What happened was she joined a site about lots of sea creatures - not hard to figure out which one it is. I encouraged her as it gave her some outlet to talk to people while i was away working during the week. I actually helped scan in photos etc and of course is also the reason why I know what she has been talking to guys about etc. I've been only similar sites and know what the score is. Unfortunately she broke the line and began texting and phoning one guy and that's what i came across. The chat script suggested meeting up amongst a lot of other stuff that I nearly puked as I read. Imean if you are planning to cheat on your husband over the internet, then don't marry an IT expert.

Judging from what you write about the commute/relocation issue, none of you is good at compromise. If she cheated it's entirely her fault though.

I've done the compromise since we've been married -it's been all one way and I've been too soft. And I think a some people cheat because they are b*st*rds and some because their partner is not listening to them.

Its not your fault and there are plenty of issues there. The key thing I would say at present is ignoring everything else, would you be able to forgive her and continue in a relationship.

This is the course of action that I've taken. Tbh what I overheard on the phone and read in the chat scripts last night still feels unbeliveeable and shocking. I honestly believe though that this is derived from her grief seeking solace. We talked some today and she is giving up her POF site. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt because my IT knowledge means that I'll know exactly if she keeps to her promise. She knows that I can find out everything she is doing on the internet but she isn't aware that I can also find out what she is phoning and texting despite wiping out her message and call logs. Time will tell.