Help, gf maybe cheating right now

LegacyUser

Going unreg.Here's the story-

Lately I've been worried that my gf has been cheating or at least considering it. Then in the last few weeks she's gone out a few times to meet 'a friend from school who is back in the country from Australia', or 'a friend from school who's about to move to Boston'. Only three times in the last month but still...

Anyway, I don't know where she's been going 'cause she says she won't know where they're going 'til she meets them. I checked her browser history last night and she had gone on her ex's Facebook profile page a few times sent a him a fb message but I couldn't read it cos I don't have her password, I just know that she sent it. Could have been anything but they're not friends and she never mentioned them being in contact.

We've been going out 18 months, I used to trust her completely, I've just been feeling insecure lately, especially in the last 6 weeks or so sex hasn't been up to it's previous amazing standard. She's out tonight and I don't know where. I texted to say that I love her and to ask her something but no response for a few hours. She could be sleeping with someone right now. It's making me sick.

What should I do? I don't want to confront her, I might be being crazy. Should I snoop more? Follow her? Just cop myself on and leave it alone? I'm too close to the situation- objectively, does it seem like she's cheating?

LegacyUser

There's a lot of threads like this that pop up in PI.

objectively, does it seem like she's cheating?

People here on boards cannot answer that.
We don't have enough information or context on the specifics of your relationship to say 'yes' or 'no' to this.
All of what you've said could have innocuous explanations - we don't know.

Anyway, I don't know where she's been going 'cause she says she won't know where they're going 'til she meets them.

That's reasonable of her though, tbh. That is not indicative of suspicious activity in itself.
It is not, in my opinion, reasonable to want to know where your gf is all the time. I don't think many people would be willing to be in a relationship where they have to make their position known to the other person at all times.


The fact of the matter is that in most relationships, the other person can probably cheat on you without you knowing. That's just something we have to accept, to have relationships.
The only other alternative is to be so controlling, we damage the relationship and ourselves, or to spy on the other person, violate their privacy, and hence damage the relationship and ourselves.

So, the focus shouldn't be on catching the other person cheating. Don't waste any time going down this road.


Instead, its about trying to have a trusting and stable relationship.

If you feel like you cannot trust the other person, then this is the issue you have to confront, and try and solve.

Perhaps this means talking about your fears with the other person.
Or perhaps it means ending the relationship because you are unable to trust them, for whatever reason (you have a poor opinion of their character, think they might lie to you, etc).

I checked her browser history last night and she had gone on her ex's Facebook profile page a few times sent a him a fb message but I couldn't read it cos I don't have her password, I just know that she sent it. Could have been anything but they're not friends and she never mentioned them being in contact.

I would consider this an ethical violation.
It's my understanding that most people would consider it unacceptable to be spied on by their partner.
I would strongly advise you to slow down, take some time, and think about your actions here. It's very easy to doom your relationship by going down this road, in that you will have to either tell your gf that you have spied on her, or keep it secret from her, and hence be unable to trust her in future. You've already done some damage from this respect, unfortunately.

Should I snoop more? Follow her?

I would not do either of these things. Take some time, and think about it.


My OH could be cheating on me at the moment. They are supposed to be meeting friends, but I don't *know* that they are.
I just have to trust them.
I feel I have a good enough understanding of them that I have no problem trusting them.

If I had issues, I would talk about it with them, and attempt to seek an explanation for the strange behaviour.
I would try to remember that it's sometimes easy to get jealous of someone, for irrational reasons, and that sometimes innocent behaviour can look devious, if we are being irrational. I'd have a long hard thing about whether I was being reasonable.

But, ultimately, if, for whatever reason, I couldn't trust that they weren't cheating on me, I'd have to end the relationship. I would not wish to continue in a relationship where I felt suspicious of the other person.

I'm sorry I can't give advice as such, except to say, don't spy on her, that'll end badly, and take some time to think things out yourself, and think through the ramifications of your actions.

Mr. Presentable

OP. Usually instinct is correct. What's yours? Either way it seems your relationship is broken - even if she's not being unfaithful to you you cannot continue without trust, you will eat yourself from the inside out.

Liber8or

As with the majority of problems on this forum, communication is generally the issue.

Why don't you sit down with your girlfriend and talk about your feelings of insecurity with her.

Honestly, it does sound slightly dubious that she has resumed contact with an ex-boyfriend, but that is not enough to break up with her. On the other hand, you need to resolve this problem you are having with your self-confidence.

Nevertheless, talk to your girlfriend. Simple as.

Sephiroth_dude

Sit her down and talk to her,otherwise your just gonna drive yourself crazy.

Sinall

sick_with_worry wrote: »

I used to trust her completely

What has stopped you trusting her? Just because she is out does not mean she is cheating on you. Do you have any reason to think she may be cheating, other than she has been meeting up with friends recently?

King of Kings

trust your instincts.

if this concept of meeting a friend you've never heard of is new then something is afoot.

from what you describe those vague descriptions of who she is meeting etc...are warning signs..
It it was once fair enough but a series of them....suspicious.

paul501042

hi i know exactly how you feel as the same thing happened to me recently. you may be right or you maybe wrong but either way you need to find out right now. all you can do is get someone she doesent know to follow her and report back to you or else steal her phone and go through her messages. after all if it was the other way around would she accept you going out and not telling her where your going??i dont think so. anyway good luck and if it turns out bad then its for the best in the long run as shes clearly not worth your time and effort.

Sleipnir

sick_with_worry wrote: »

I checked her browser history last night and she had gone on her ex's Facebook profile page a few times sent a him a fb message but I couldn't read it cos I don't have her password, I just know that she sent it. Could have been anything but they're not friends and she never mentioned them being in contact.

Given that part, I would say your suspicions are very well justified.

herya

You might be right but your reasoning is awkward.

1. It's very easy for her to know what her friends are up to before she meets them - phone calls, e-mails etc?
2. Brilliant sex doesn't stay brilliant forever, it fluctuates at best and she may have loads of mundane reasons to be less involved recently, getting used to you probably the most likely one.

Etc etc.

You can do your head in if you try to analyse and reanalyse everything she says and does this way.

You need to sit her down and ask.

Corb

Next time it happens I would follow her. It may not be the right thing to do but it might give you some answers one way or the other. Sorry if this isn't good advice but I think it's what I'd do personally.

Mr Benevolent

Next time it happens I would follow her. It may not be the right thing to do but it might give you some answers one way or the other. Sorry if this isn't good advice but I think it's what I'd do personally.

This isn't the movies.

Following someone without being seen is much harder than you'd think. Following someone you know well is much more difficult. It's a non-starter, the OP will be caught and the relationship will be over anyway. It's an illogical idea that will get him in trouble AND get him a very bad reputation if him and his gf is part of the same group of friends. Finally, if she does meet some guy while the OP is following her, the OP will confront them both and go nuts no matter whether it's innocent or not. A recipe for disaster and potential violence.

Crash Bang Wall

She doesnt know where they are going????? Load of b****x if you ask me.

Meeting mate in Pub x and taking it from there. Will prob end up in y but not sure would be a more believable story.

Would go with the other poster on the instincts are generally correct.

You could do some snooping but the problem is if she is actually meeting a mate and she catches you snooping

Monkey61

Following your girlfriend is an absolutely ludicrous idea. As people have said before, if you trust her so little then the relationship is as good as dead anyway.

It is perfectly reasonable for her to not know where she is going on a night out. I often wouldn't have a clue. There is no reason for her to find out before she leaves the house just to satisfy your curiosity, she is not a child, you are not her mother and do not have an automatic right to know!

As for the ex and facebook thing. It could all be perfectly innocent. Considering how suspicious and sneaky you are getting now there is no wonder that she didn't tell you that she was back in contact - as she has every right to be. Lots of people are friends with their exes. My latest ex is my best friend and is on her way over to my house to hang out as we speak. I was emailing a different one earlier on today and went drinking with another two nights ago. Does my girlfriend mind? Of course not, because she trusts me.

When it comes to jealousy instincts are rarely correct. Nobody here can tell you what is going on, because ultimately there is no guaranteed way for complete strangers behind computers to know from your post. We are not magicians. All you can do is talk to her. You may as well tell her that you have been facebook stalking and let her decide for herself whether she trusts you anymore!

ladylilly21

sick_with_worry wrote: »

Going unreg.Here's the story-

Lately I've been worried that my gf has been cheating or at least considering it. Then in the last few weeks she's gone out a few times to meet 'a friend from school who is back in the country from Australia', or 'a friend from school who's about to move to Boston'. Only three times in the last month but still...

Anyway, I don't know where she's been going 'cause she says she won't know where they're going 'til she meets them. I checked her browser history last night and she had gone on her ex's Facebook profile page a few times sent a him a fb message but I couldn't read it cos I don't have her password, I just know that she sent it. Could have been anything but they're not friends and she never mentioned them being in contact.

We've been going out 18 months, I used to trust her completely, I've just been feeling insecure lately, especially in the last 6 weeks or so sex hasn't been up to it's previous amazing standard. She's out tonight and I don't know where. I texted to say that I love her and to ask her something but no response for a few hours. She could be sleeping with someone right now. It's making me sick.

What should I do? I don't want to confront her, I might be being crazy. Should I snoop more? Follow her? Just cop myself on and leave it alone? I'm too close to the situation- objectively, does it seem like she's cheating?

If you have been feeling insecure the past 6weeks and was never one to worry about trusting your other half, you should go with your heart on this occasion. You know what feels right in your relationship and what doesn't feel right. However, if you're worried about the confrontation side of it, you could always call her bluff by suggesting to go with her to meet "her friend's", tell her that after 18mths together that you would like to meet her friend's, because if it's important to her, it's important for you. You should know by her reaction if she's telling the truth or not. That's your window to nip what's been bothering you in the bud.

I think going forward, you need to be able to trust 99.9% at least, and the only way to know for sure is ask, whatever the outcome.

legend365

Forget about cheating and start thinking about respect!

You dont know shes cheating.

However..

You DO feel she's not respecting you and makin you feel insecure.

Go from there.

Panda Bear

First of all get off the Boards as you wont find the anwser staring at a computer.
No one here can tell you if she is cheating or not. Your own distrust and perhaps Jealousy is playing havoc with you. Stop and think about it, here you are checking her accounts and broswing history. For you own sake grow up and ask yourself if the problem may really be just yourself.


Talk to your friends ( close friends ) about this. Taalkk to people who know her and please TALK to HER.

LegacyUser

OP, you sound really unhappy and stressed over this, and this is not what being in a relationship should be like.