Ex girlfriend issues

LegacyUser

Hello.
Right my problem stems from a girl I went out with a few years ago.we basically met around the end of 2005 and fell head over heels in love then we moved in together 6 months later which was one of the worst mistakes of my life. the whole relationship slowly fell apart and we broke up round the end of 2007.
Since then I've been single for the most part but I'm still madly in love with her. every time I meet a new girl she's held up to this rose tinted glasses version of my ex and just doesn't compare. I know I'm partially doing this as a defence mechanism but being aware of that doesn't help.
it's absolutly destroying my life as I can't find happiness with anyone else and I'm becoming more and more isolated and withdrawn from people. I mean I've just started seeing a new girl whos beautiful, intelligent, funny and has loads in common with me but she's just not my ex. I mean my ex was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, was really intelligent and very witty but in the truth of it had nothing in common with me and resented me for trying to get her into stuff I liked and had very little respect for me in general.
I guess thats what's annoying me most. I know she was kind of bad for me. I'm aware that by the end we were a terrible couple but I can't get over her for some stupid reason.

Wagon

I have an ex like that too. Although, whenever i remembered her good parts, i just focused my mind on the bad parts and eventually this worked and i stopped holding her on a pedestal. Now i would never go back. Are you still in touch with her actually?

LegacyUser

no not at all really, I sometimes see her in town but we havent spoken in about a year and a half, I think that may be the problem, shes become mystified and i need closure but see no way i can get it

Wagon

No i dont think you don't need closure actually. You haven't seen each other in a year and a half. You know it was a disaster of a relationship and you admitted yourself that moving in together was the biggest mistake of your life. I don't think she's mystified either. She knows it will never happen and probably has another boyfriend or had one already. Or has shagged a few people. This usually happens.

I know what you are talking about though. Believe me i do. I think of an ex and wonder "what if...?" sometimes. Because on paper we were well matched in most aspects, but of course i was on the rebound from a previous relationship and she had her own problems so it was rarely happy and she told me recently that since we broke up that she has such a low expectation of men that she is now the most easy going girlfriend in the world. It was a few years ago that it ended and i've moved on ages ago, but it's still a pretty crappy thing to hear even only recently. So that's the kind of "closure" you can expect.

Closure in this case would only be confirming what you already know: that it will never ever work with her and that you will never have a happy relationship. The good points on paper that you are thinking off are all well and good but there is a lot more that you are overlooking ie. the bad points. Try to remember these because you need to realise why your relationship ended so you won't go making the same mistake twice. More importantly, it'll get your ex off the pedestal you have for her.

I'm sorry to have to say this mate. I know it's not what you wanted to hear but these things need to be said to stop a man from wasting his time wondering "what if..." I've done that with 3 different girls and absolutely nothing at all has come from it. And i think you can see this yourself, so maybe try and learn from my mistakes too

LegacyUser

Maybe its easier to focus on your old girlfriend than really try at this new possible relationship? Plus If you were with the last girl for two years the bond you built up would be pretty strong and would be pretty damn hard to replicate after a short period of time with someone new.

It sounds like you're not really trying to get to know or appreciate these girls for who they are but rather comparing them to her which is a shame and an insult to them really. In my opinion, life is too short to keep focusing on the past. If you keep comparing everyone to your ex you're never going to feel like you're really free, you're just carrying that pain around with you which is stopping you from moving on and making the most of your life. I guess the question is would you rather think about and be tied to a dead relationship or make the scary leap of letting go and trying to find a girl that really makes you happy?