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Insanely jealous and parnoid about OH

  • 01-08-2009 12:21PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    20 y/o female, boyfriend is 22, just graduated from college. We've been together eight months.

    The problem: my jealousy is so bad it's starting to annoy me, nevermind him. Anytime he goes out with friends to a pub, bar, nightclub, weekend away, etc. I'm convinced he'll cheat on me. In reality, I know he wouldn't dream of it, yet I still become paranoid that he will. I can't stand the thought of him having been with any other women in the past, I get defensive and jealous when he talks to other women, become aggressive and possessive... I don't know what to do. He hasn't ever given me any reason to distrust him- I think I need help with paranoia. Any advice, please guys? I'm at my wits end. I just want a pleasant relationship where we can both go out seperately and enjoy ourselves. Neither of us can put up with anymore.


Comments

  • #2
    Gman1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 239 ✭✭Gman1


    Im a guy, and Im in the same situation with my girlfriend. There has been no definite reason to distrust her. But i cant help it either. I usually just try to take a deep breath and just believe that she wouldnt do it. I know its not much help, but i know how you feel. I wish I could be more help.


  • #3
    shaca
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 110 ✭✭shaca


    I used to be the same way with my now husband. Don't know how he put up with it and we did argue over it. Now that i am older and wiser I put it down to being afraid of losing them. I was so jealous when he said he was going out with his friends that i would start a fight and ruin his night before he went out at all. I wanted him with me 24/7. Thankfully I got over that. When I realised I was all he wanted I relaxed. He now still enjoys his boys nights out and I love my girls night out. I think it is feeling insecure in the relationship that causes jealousy once you are both on the same wavelenght you will enjoy a happy relationship.


  • #4
    dlofnep
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,759 ✭✭✭✭dlofnep


    That's one unhealthy relationship. Has anyone ever cheated on your before?


  • #5
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    20 y/o female, boyfriend is 22, just graduated from college. We've been together eight months.

    The problem: my jealousy is so bad it's starting to annoy me, nevermind him. Anytime he goes out with friends to a pub, bar, nightclub, weekend away, etc. I'm convinced he'll cheat on me. In reality, I know he wouldn't dream of it, yet I still become paranoid that he will. I can't stand the thought of him having been with any other women in the past, I get defensive and jealous when he talks to other women, become aggressive and possessive... I don't know what to do. He hasn't ever given me any reason to distrust him- I think I need help with paranoia. Any advice, please guys? I'm at my wits end. I just want a pleasant relationship where we can both go out separately and enjoy ourselves. Neither of us can put up with anymore.

    This is a very difficult situation for you OP and I sympathise. The important thing here is that you have come to realise it and realise how destructive it is. That is half the battle. Now you are at least in a position to start tackling it and making things better

    This jealousy comes from a deep seated insecurity and fear of being rejected and a need for constant reassurance that your BF is yours and yours alone. However as you have found out it achieves nothing except to alienate him and diminish your relationship.

    Don't get me wrong we ALL feel a little jealousy if we feel that our partner is showing a bit too much attention to someone else. The important thing is to know how to channel it positively and how to use it to make our relationship better ... NOT to try to change our partners.

    Setting ridiculous behavioural boundaries is an immature and childish way to behave. We cannot put our partners in a cage. We cannot limit our lives when we should be opening up to a new life together.

    My advice is to reflect and think about the issues involved. Think about the reasons for your feelings and trying to tackle it bit by bit at the start. Self awareness is 50% of finding the right solution for you. I think that if you start to think about the situation next time it happens and look at your partner in a different light ... and use that feeling to make him even more appreciated and when you get home you will find that your relationship will be better and your physical relationship will be a lot better too.

    So instead of trying to change him - use it to make everything better. And don't be afraid to do some reading, talk to someone about it, even professional people.

    All the best !


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