Problems with the OHs kids

LegacyUser

Hey all sorry for the long post

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He is considerably older than me and has 3 kids to his ex wife. Neither of these issues were a problem in our early stages. Im rather young and hadnt ever really thought myself as a parent so was thrown into the deep end with 3 of his kids aged 15 12 and 8 years old.

The problem is these are the kids from hell. No manners, no respect and are treated like 3 little kings. To begin with I took the view that there weren't my kids and so I have no voice in their raising which I still agree with today but things have gone from ok to horrible. The eldest has stolen €80 from me, stolen some of my stuff and even broke my stuff with no regret. The family seemed to think that this was ok as he is a troubled teen and as a result has quit school with his parents - notably his mother- giving him every last thing he wants.

I think that this is setting a really bad example for his other brothers who in turn have started to treat me like he does ignroing me, swearing at me and just making my life hell in general. My best friend who is their cousin has told me that the whole family realises what monsters they are and that I'm too nice but I should just ignore them which is easier said then done. Furthermore whenever they come over I spend all my time coocking, cleaning and looking after them while their Father is asleep, however with their mother they all have chores which they refuse to do for me.

As a result of all this combined I have been diagnosed with a stress disorder as a result and take relaxants occasionally.

I love my boyfriend so much but I'm starting to have doubts about our relationship. Anytime Ive raised concerns with him he either ignores me, says that I always have a problem or we fight with nothing good ever coming from it. He has told me I should be much more relaxed and he should be the strict one but its not in his nature as he's a big kid himself so doesn't see a problem in things as they are. Im thinking Ive made a mistake I want to look for a flat or something just for a bit of me space but I know that my bf would go mad and wouldn't like that. Other than that Im afraid of regretting being stuck in a situation where I cant enjoy my partner.

I feel like an evil person, anybody hae any advice?

Thanks

Op you are enabling him to evade his parenting responsibilities ...they are his children not your ...he needs to be doing the work of parenting when they with him including washing cooking and sorting out discipline issues as they occur.

if you want to sort out the relationship what you need to do is move out for a while think about what you want ...then you need to talk to him stating clearly and calmly what you want to happen start off talking about the good things in your relationship, tell him you want to help but all the time making it clear that the his children are his responsibility....

it might work but often men like you partner have a pattern of using the excuse of being easy going as way of avoiding responsibility

at the very least his is being very disrespectful to...you need to sort it out now or it will brake up your relationship

EamoS

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey all sorry for the long post

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He is considerably older than me and has 3 kids to his ex wife. Neither of these issues were a problem in our early stages. Im rather young and hadnt ever really thought myself as a parent so was thrown into the deep end with 3 of his kids aged 15 12 and 8 years old.

The problem is these are the kids from hell. No manners, no respect and are treated like 3 little kings. To begin with I took the view that there weren't my kids and so I have no voice in their raising which I still agree with today but things have gone from ok to horrible. The eldest has stolen €80 from me, stolen some of my stuff and even broke my stuff with no regret. The family seemed to think that this was ok as he is a troubled teen and as a result has quit school with his parents - notably his mother- giving him every last thing he wants.

I think that this is setting a really bad example for his other brothers who in turn have started to treat me like he does ignroing me, swearing at me and just making my life hell in general. My best friend who is their cousin has told me that the whole family realises what monsters they are and that I'm too nice but I should just ignore them which is easier said then done. Furthermore whenever they come over I spend all my time coocking, cleaning and looking after them while their Father is asleep, however with their mother they all have chores which they refuse to do for me.

As a result of all this combined I have been diagnosed with a stress disorder as a result and take relaxants occasionally.

I love my boyfriend so much but I'm starting to have doubts about our relationship. Anytime Ive raised concerns with him he either ignores me, says that I always have a problem or we fight with nothing good ever coming from it. He has told me I should be much more relaxed and he should be the strict one but its not in his nature as he's a big kid himself so doesn't see a problem in things as they are. Im thinking Ive made a mistake I want to look for a flat or something just for a bit of me space but I know that my bf would go mad and wouldn't like that. Other than that Im afraid of regretting being stuck in a situation where I cant enjoy my partner.

I feel like an evil person, anybody hae any advice?

Thanks

First of all dont feel evil at all. The kids sound like little pr****.

Secondly you should really make it clear, that if he expects you to be more relaxed, then he should make sure they dont get in your way, so to speak. I mean his kid robbed from you! How the f*** can you not gte upset at that like?

Your problem is a very defined one, so just give him an ultimatum that unless his kids start showing u more respect, or at least he shows a SIGNIFICANT effort to make this happen you won't be moving back in.

Seriously just do it, otherwise it will only get worse.

Mixedup

i agree with the above advice,

it shouldn't be your problem but he is neglecting his parental responsibilities by letting his children behave this way and it will only annoy you more and more if you do nothing now.

Don't even negotiate, call it as you see it and if you have to, move out until he cops on, his children will thank you in the long run, and his family, if something is done about them. I work with children and there is nothing more frustrating then tryin to teach children respect and manners when there is clearly nothing happening at home to reinforce it.

Don't put up with it, they arent your children, you dont need that s***.

LegacyUser

EamoS wrote: »

First of all dont feel evil at all. The kids sound like little pr****.

Secondly you should really make it clear, that if he expects you to be more relaxed, then he should make sure they dont get in your way, so to speak. I mean his kid robbed from you! How the f*** can you not gte upset at that like?

Your problem is a very defined one, so just give him an ultimatum that unless his kids start showing u more respect, or at least he shows a SIGNIFICANT effort to make this happen you won't be moving back in.

Seriously just do it, otherwise it will only get worse.

The thing that hurts me the most is that he has stolen from me. I mean I just feel so violated so much so I can't bring myself to speak to him. I took these kids as if they were my own and to have such a huge invasion of privacy and moreso trust is very upsetting.

My partner is very controlling he thinks that it's not normal if we don't spend every waking moment together so suggesting I move back out won't go down well. I've been feeling more and more unhappy lately but I know for a fact that he will just come back that "I'm always against the kids and I'm not happy around them". I'm not happy around them because of how they treat me but I don't want to deprive him his kids, I would be the world's biggest monster.

They are really the kids from hell, I mean I knew it would be hard for them as all kids want their parents together but he has left his wife 5 years ago, surely life goes on? Should I continue to try and put manners on the kids or just wash my hands of them?

I work with kids too, but at least with them we find a common ground for respect. With these kids it's out of the question.

Thank you all for your advice so far I feel like I'm not alone please keep the advice coming!

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your situation, OP. Would it be possible for you to stay with family or a friend on the weekends that the kids come and stay with your boyfriend? That way, you don't need to run around after them or suffer their abuse, and your boyfriend would also need to take on the responsibility of parenting himself.

I know it's easier said than done to simply ignore them, but misbehaviour in these kinds of situations is often designed to get a response from you. The more you respond, the more they try it on. The best thing is to not give them the kind of response they're trying to get. My Mum actually had the same problem with her new partner's teenage kids - when they tried their "I hate you, you're not my mum" routine (complete with glares, sulking etc), her response was great - she simply looked them up and down, smiled and said "I'm in a relationship with your father, not with you, and quite frankly, I wasn't put on this earth to win a popularity contest, so you hating me is immaterial to my life". (She was a school teacher so was pretty used to teenage kids and their snarls!!). The kids quickly shut up when they realised that she really didn't care about their behaviour.

Not sure if any of the above helps - but best of luck anyway!

Moomoo1

OP, you cannot hope to win over those kids, not whilst the rest of their family are doing their level best to undermine your position.

The best thing to do is just ignore them. Next time the partner comes up with "You're always against the kids and not happy around them" say 'you are right, I am not happy around them: they are your kids, so you look after them'.