Be yourself... But I don't know who that is!

LegacyUser

Basically when I was in college I was always confident loud and fun and that was the way I naturally was without even thinking. I got a job and felt like I was in a cage trying to act like a professional. I pulled it off just about. But I spent so much time in work I started to act 'serious' more often, and then got confused as to how to be in normal situations.

As I got older I found it less acceptable to be the fun confident person I was before, as if I needed to grow up, and act more like a proper person. But I'm not naturally all that serious. So for example, I could be in a situation with people and I naturally feel like saying something inappropriate or even something really rude, but I know I have to hold back because it probably wouldn't go down too well.

Even amongst my own friends I can be a completely different person with so many of them I have some friends I am very grown up with, some I am shockingly rude with, some I am very messy with, and some I am so ladylike with.

Natually, being myself, is the 'not serious' me. But that is not 'acceptable' anymore. So I don't know how to be! God I sound like a crazy person when I read back over my post!!

I'm just wondering, has anyone else experienced something similar? Or do i just need to accept that I am growing up?

Thanks for reading this

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Basically when I was in college I was always confident loud and fun and that was the way I naturally was without even thinking. I got a job and felt like I was in a cage trying to act like a professional. I pulled it off just about. But I spent so much time in work I started to act 'serious' more often, and then got confused as to how to be in normal situations.

As I got older I found it less acceptable to be the fun confident person I was before, as if I needed to grow up, and act more like a proper person. But I'm not naturally all that serious. So for example, I could be in a situation with people and I naturally feel like saying something inappropriate or even something really rude, but I know I have to hold back because it probably wouldn't go down too well.

Even amongst my own friends I can be a completely different person with so many of them I have some friends I am very grown up with, some I am shockingly rude with, some I am very messy with, and some I am so ladylike with.

Natually, being myself, is the 'not serious' me. But that is not 'acceptable' anymore. So I don't know how to be! God I sound like a crazy person when I read back over my post!!

I'm just wondering, has anyone else experienced something similar? Or do i just need to accept that I am growing up?

Thanks for reading this

Yeah Ive had similiar experiences. Working in a job were I had to wear a shirt and tie, attend meetings, be serious etc. At the begining I was always saying inappropriate(or supposedly inappropriate)things. I had to really watch what I said after that and pretty soon I felt like such a fraud. Like I was trying to fit into a role that society had pre-determined for me. It felt so wrong and I left.
Im not really sure about this whole being a grown up thing though. What exactly does that mean? Is it that once you hit a certain age you should have a career, a wife/husband, kids, dog/cat, attend weddings of friends regularly, talk about the economy, wear suits, play golf at the weekends...........

I think some people are suited to this life and become "grown ups" very easily but I couldnt live like this. My experiences working in that job were I had to wear the shirt and tie told me that it wasnt for me, I wouldve ended up throwing myself out a window before long. Its less complicated to try and fit in and be like a lot of people youre own age........less complicated but also detrimental. Im 34 and I get along better with people in their mid 20s. Around people my own age I feel so out of place, the topics of conversation never interest me. Sometimes I'll give myself a hard time and tell myself to grow up, that I should be like those other people my age and live like them. But even thinking about that sends a shudder down my spine....

I understand what you mean about not knowing who you are. When you dont fit into the conventions and act like most people your own age you start to ask if theres something wrong with you, you start to wonder where you really fit in and belong. Its a hard one to call but what Ive done is just accept that Im not like a lot of people my own age, I have different priorities and I refuse to allow anybody to tell me I should be a certain way.

Sorry, I kind of hi-jacked your post there. But youre not alone in your goofiness!!

Eve_Dublin

Yeah, I think everyone geos through what you're going through, OP. I had problems with toning down on my humour at work and learning to be "appropriate" in certain situations...this is just what you have to do, I'm afraid.

I think also accepting that you're personality isn't consistant is the most liberating feelings in the world. I boxed my personality off years ago...the cheeky, loud-mouthed one of my group of friends who didn't take most things too seriously but as I've got older, I've become more serious and more chilled out. I'm still act the eejit at the best of times but I've realised that this wasn't the be all and end all of my personality and I think a lot of people bar my close friends and family thought it was. I'm more comfortable in myself now and would happily sit back and let others entertain where that would be unheard of, say, 5 years ago. Always had to be the one making people laugh. I thought I was loud...turns out I can be very, very quiet etc. I thought I was got along with everyone but turns out I'm not as fixated with being liked by everyone as I used to be. The older I've got, the more of me has revealed itself.


And I'm not the same around everyone I meet...I think everyone alters their personality slightly depending on who they talk to. That's normal and this is just basic social skills...adapting your personality to get along with others and it doesn't mean who you are essentially has changed. This whole attitude of "oh I hate growing up 'cos grown ups are sooo serious" is a little immature, if you'll excuse the irony. I'm the same as yourself, I have friends I act the gobsh*te with and I've friends I have serious, adult chats with...with my family I play the youngest-child-out-of-5-kids role and at work I play the hard-working yet sociable employee...with some exes I was bad guy and with some exes I was the good guy.

Of course there are people who you feel most comfortable with but you also have to accept that the world is made up of soooooo many different personalities and you can't expect everyone to fall in with yours and visa versa. Wouldnt it be a boring auld world without diversity? I'd rather be able to adapt so i can see how worlds beyond my own function.

These are all parts of your personality. Humans are a multi-faceted bunch but lack of consistancy in your personality (read:boring and samey)wouldn't be you being true to yourself.

Just accept that your growing up OP and that doesn't have to be synonomous with mundanity.

PK2008

This is very common- its called a 'persona', which literally tranlates as 'mask', its an accepted pyschological behaviour- its a coping mechanism that pretty much everyone has but is used to different lengths in different situations by different people.

Its defintely not harmful, its generally a part of social conditioning- as you said understanding appropriate bevaiour in different social situations/dynamics actually shows a high level of emotional intelligence, environmental sensitivity and empathy- all good attributes.

Some people use persona behaviour to great effect- such as politicians, celebrities etc, the main thing is to understand it and control it.

Google the word 'persona'- theres probably alot of information out there about it. I think Carl Jung did alot of work on it.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies. When I read your posts I nod in complete understanding of what you are saying, and nice to hear it written another way and from someone else.

pk2008 I looked up persona and it's true. Might pick up a book on Carl Jung he seems to have written alot. One line that struck me on wikipedia was " Importantly, the persona, ... is not a pose or some other intentional mirepresentation of the self to others. Rather, it is the self as 'self-construed', and may change according to situation and context." I guess you are right I need to control it. I certainly recognise it, but need to try to control it. I feel I have so many 'personas' that it got the better of me and get confused as to which one is me! Oh and it's nice to associate something so positive such as emmotional intelligence, to what I am feeling

Eve Dublin, I too am youngest of 5 - get treated like a baby and act like a baby eh?! I sound very similar to you, what you used to be like - always the one to fill the fun gap and wanting to get along with everyone. I've definately begun taking a back seat now, almost as if to let others have their moment. And I too am less fixated on what others think of me now. And I have certainly revealed more sides to me, I've not been able to help it it just kind of happened, and I think I need to give this side of me a little more grooming - get used to it, accept it and control it

Unreg, you can hijack away! You've described what I think in your way. When you go against the grain of society, don't fit into social conventions, you start to think that something must be wrong with you! But there's not of course. You're 34 and get on with people in their twenties, I bet we would get on well! As EveDublin said how boring the world would be if we were all the same and we all conformed to the norm.

I conclude that we are the brave ones. The ones who aren't afraid to be themselves. The ones that the boring people probably spend hours talking about while we are out having fun

Firetrap

Interesting question OP. I hadn't thought about the different personas I use in my own life until I read the posts in this thread. I think as we get older and more comfortable in ourselves, most people stop worrying what others think of them.

No doubt you've grown up as well. I think most people who are in their thirties will say that they're more mature than they were in their twenties. Real life does that to you as does meeting and interacting with more people of different ages (something that you won't have done in college). Perhaps the only time you can truly be yourself is when you're on your own...

I don't think you should worry about your personality being incompatible with your age. Personally, I think people who have an inner teenager in them are more interesting. A while ago I was talking to a man in his mid 70s who's a big rock music fan and was raving about Bruce Springsteen - I thought that was wonderful. I've a friend in his 50s who drinks from a Wallace and Gromit mug. Nobody bats an eyelid when someone in their 30s owns a Playstation or an X-Box or goes to see a Pixar film. The trick is not to care what other people think. They're probably boring as hell anyway.

LegacyUser

Thanks Firetrap. I think not caring about what others think of you seems to be a by product of growing up. Thankfully.

I mean, I could be in a situation, especially with new people, and I will know what to say to be perceived as the messer, and I will know what to say to be perceived as the serious person. Thing is, if I can't help myself and come across as the messer, well not caring about what those people think will be important to me in being able to laugh at myself and just getting on with it. And I know I can be 'proper' if I want to be.

Maybe playing safe might be best in a situation with new people. And if I can't control my 'personas', sure so be it. Hopefully people have better things to do than to talk about me, and if not well I will endeavor to not care and I will just act like a completely different person the next time I see them and confuse them !

Firetrap

Ah, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself.

It's not a bad idea to play it a bit safe when you first meet someone. You can figure out pretty quickly after that if you can be silly/serious with a person. I've learned through experience that if I don't curtail my inner smartass when I first meet people, they can think I'm an awful gobshyte.

You're probably being ladylike with some friends because you've unconsciously sensed that they possibly wouldn't like your more boisterous self. Anyway, once you get to know people, you can always loosen up a bit and be less serious/proper