My manager hates me and I'm suffering

LegacyUser

Hi. I work in a female environment. There are two men on a team of women. My manager is a woman. She has three other friends who sit around her desk. They all laugh and talk loudly throughout the day, sometimes at the expense of other members of staff (one girl dyed her hair with a home kit, it turned red and blonde with dark patches from the last color, she cried when they laughed at her).

When I came aboard ship I had just left a good job that unfortunately took a lot out of me. So I wanted a boring 9-5 but I got a nightmare I've been trying to get out of, for a good while now without success.

In this job I've been in since I left the good one, I used to laugh with the clients a lot, getting great results in the process, as everyone likes friendly business. I made everyone smile. I was always in a great mood coming to work. Until my manager came along. She approached me about my laugh. Said it was unusual and that I had to keep it down, that it was disturbing other members of staff.

One day my computer crashed, and on my neighbouring colleague's computer I had to send an email to the company IT director, and as we were on very informal terms since the start, I put "Paging Dr Computer Fixer O'Keane" on the subject field. She found out and went mental. She came over and started quoting parts from the formal etiquette policy of the company, threatening to take me in to disciplinary action and that this was my verbal warning. So I never talked to the IT director the same way again. I became colder to other members of staff, and became withdrawn from the team. I am not allowed to laugh because of what she said. So I keep it down, as she's made things hard for me in the past, piling on work and then saying "If you can't handle it then maybe we need to rethink your position in this company". I can't be informal with members of staff (even with their permission). Her friends at work hate me, whenever I am on the phone or discussing contracts with a client and making examples to assist their understanding of terms, they sit around sniggering, looking over at me and making faces.

My passwords are always changed, whenever I come in on a Monday morning (or any morning) I always have to ask for my passwords. I always have to sit there then and wait for them to be re-set, holding me back on completing my work which means I have to stay late in order to get everything done. The excuse is always that she "needed a file I had that wasn't working on her computer"

I don't get my bonus anymore now, they tend to have an excuse about the quality of something I've submitted.... There's always something the matter these days!

I'm trying so hard to get out of here. I pay 600€ a month in rent alone so I Can't leave this job as not even the dole would sort that out for me until I find something better.

Nobody knows about this. I have to be myself everywhere ellse. But I'm dying inside. I'm miserable there.

If anyone has coping strategies, please share them with me.

Silverfish

This is awful. Considering how much time people spend in work, it's horrible when their work life is causing distress. And it's clear you're being bullied.

Is there anyone in the company you can speak to? Do you have a HR department?

I also recommend recording every single instance of the bullying or exclusion.

Taltos

This sounds like hell.

I think you need to start keeping a log immediately.
Everything that happens gets noted - specifically note who was there at the time - you will need witnesses.

Also - have you tried talking to her about this?
If a complaint is later logged it would be good to show that you tried to resolve it. Maybe even bring in a 3rd party to mediate your talk.

If you do talk to her - keep it calm - do not rake over the past - speak specifically about only 1 or 2 recent items. Do not make out it is all her fault - start out "Hi, can we have a talk? I am not sure if you noticed but I have been feeling very frustrated when I cannot log into my PC each Monday." And then offer a solution - eg "how about we try to get a common network drive where we can store the files we all work on?"
The idea here is
a) let her know that you are not happy
b) you are not calling out her fault in this
c) you are giving a solution or a way out

Also suggest meeting say every 2 wks to review your work and any issues either of you both have. Maybe even take notes and mail them to her afterwards (if you see where I am going here - eg evidence of either performance issues or successes). Just make it clear if it comes up later you requested these meetings...

You never know - maybe she is feeling threatened by you - not saying she is a steaming feminist, but maybe she has little experience of male dynamics - ie no subtley - calling it as we see it - getting it done?
These talks could help you build a raport with her.

Then failing all this - if things continue like this I think you will need to escalate to her manager and HR - but they will want to see that you tried to do all you could to resolve it yourself.

Best of luck - hopefully others will come in with their advice. But I have always been lucky with my female managers. On the otherhand I did leave a job over one male manager - total bully and I saw no other way to dealing with it than by leaving - took a few months but so glad I did at the time. Have learnt though not to let things fester - if anything now I am even more straight-talking - regularly gets commented on - but it works for me.

LegacyUser

I contacted HR and the main member of HR who deals with staff complaints told me to talk to my manager, and that if I had no luck there I had to go to her manager. But prior to even going to HR, her manager was defensive of her (including when I had to cancel a trip I had put in for the two-day leave for 4 months prior), he said that she had it on the system to cover me but that I should have been the one to follow it up, that she is an excellent manager and that I had no right in criticising her (I had only said that it was irresponsible of her to let that happen to me). One day I snapped, I asked her to attend a meeting with me to discuss something I had a problem with, and I asked her what the problem was. I told her she came across as condescending and when I began talking about her the other members of staff who sit around her desk made me feel whenever they spoke to/about me, their general conduct around me. She became defensive and angry when I mentioned how I do not get personal with other members of the team, but that I found their behaviour to be of seemingly personal nature and as disgraceful conduct within a professional environment. She turned around and told me to watch what I was saying, as I may not be personal with those people, implying that she was. I got the message. I ended the meeting, concluding that the issue of how she herself spoke to me had been addressed and that we could reconvene in the next few months. I never bothered with that.

I one day went outside for air to get away from the environment itself. She questioned me on my whereabouts but then made me write her an explanation of my whereabouts in an email.

I don't know what to do, this is not the be-all end-all for me, and while I can't change my current situation, I can't make it better either...

LegacyUser

This is bullying in its worst form. Start logging every single incident, no matter how petty it seems to you - dates/times/details of what happened. When you have built up a number of incidents, bring them to the HR Department (if there is no HR dept, then go to this persons boss). They are obliged to act upon this as every company has to have an anti bullying policy in place. If you dont get satisfaction from the HR department, then go to a solicitor. Dont be afraid to sort this out as you are within your rights and should not have to put up with your worklife being made a misery. I was in that position a few years ago and I know the impact it has on your life. Remember, keeping a log of all incidents is vital & I know that some of them might seem petty when written down but they are not & are all important to building a case. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for this advice so far. I welcome any other insight that may come up. I didn't think that I was being bullied, I thought it was an attitude problem, but looking closer, it seems to be.

I'm going to take my personal diary with me to work, I use it solely for recording when bills are due etc so there's plenty of space. I have kept some emails with threats such as "I hope we do not have to take this matter further" in reference to my trip to the fresh air which was unannounced to her when I left the floor. I'll record the dates of those emails and anything else that now happens.

Thank you for the advice, I feel like there may be hope here to improve this.

Terodil

What a dreadful situation. =(

I don't think there's a surefire way of dealing with it. I'm just tossing a few ideas in here -- I guess you've already thought of some of them but maybe there's something among them that could work.

First off though, whatever way you choose, your manager's behaviour is irrational and actually detrimental to the company's success. I think even the most backwater manager should know in this day and age that the parameters within which their staff operate need to be favorable and conducive to high performance. It's only logical; unhappy staff don't provide the same results as happy staff (within limits of course). It's also a basic management rule that while management is responsible for defining goals, staff is responsible for picking their way about it. It only makes sense; everybody has a way of working that is most effective for them, and while the boss can provide suggestions or even demand particular details to be observed (e.g. for legal reasons), they shouldn't burden themselves with micro-management. It's a waste of resources on both their and their subordinates' side.

This is the rational side of it, and your strong point in whatever course of action you choose to pursue. I bet your manager knows all these points, yet she chooses to disregard them. Why?

This shows that the problem is not rational in nature. There's something amiss that's not based on what you do, but on how you do it or how you come across. It could be a myriad of things. You need to do some soul-searching here. Does your boss feel threatened by the good results you are/were getting? Are you more experienced than her? Have you somehow overstepped the unwritten rules of company culture? Or is it really just general bullying and you've somehow got on their wrong side, perhaps by just being 'the newbie' on the team?

I said the problem is not rational in nature -- that's only the half-truth. Of course your boss is behaving rationally, based on her perceived goals and threats. You need to understand these to have a chance at solving the situation amiably. Try to find out as much as you can:

• have you talked with other members on the team? What do they think of the situation? Has the boss always behaved this way? Can you ask them if they think you did anything wrong?
• are there other people in the company who have an understanding of the power structures and history of the department and your boss?
• is there a works council that you can talk to? Perhaps the boss has a history with team members.

Then depending on the information and your confidence, you can pick several options:

• Direct talk with your boss: Ask for a private meeting and explain to you how YOU feel. Why YOU think you cannot work effectively. Don't make the mistake of explaining how your boss should do her work or what she does wrong. Speak strictly from your own perspective and be ready to suggest ways how you think you could be more effective. Be careful, but don't be subservient. Remember you are acting in your company's best interest and argue from that perspective too. You are only trying to bring your competencies to bear, and to make the team more successful.
• Talk with your boss's boss: Basically, same strategy. It would help if you knew you had the backing of other members on the team, but again, do not try to point out mistakes, describe what you need to be able to work effectively.
• HR: Careful with this one, should be an escalation step only.
• Mediator services: I don't know how big your company is, but sometimes there are mediator services available. These are trained people who solve problems between bosses, employees, and teams in a non-confrontational way. There are also external mediators available, depending on the turnover/importance of your dept you might ask your boss's boss for support of this kind.

OP, I hope you can sort this out. The ultimate 'solution', of course, is to push the button. But in the current crisis that can be a hard way to take.

Best of luck.

P.S. Whatever you do, start keeping notes so you can provide details when they're needed.

Taltos

This is definitely bullying - but you also have a part to play here.
I am going to go thru your post to pick out a few.

miniworry wrote: »

I contacted HR and the main member of HR who deals with staff complaints told me to talk to my manager, and that if I had no luck there I had to go to her manager. But prior to even going to HR, her manager was defensive of her

This is actually his job and HRs - you should expect them to be defensive - especially where you have no evidence that you have tried to work it thru with her before going to them.

miniworry wrote: »

(including when I had to cancel a trip I had put in for the two-day leave for 4 months prior), he said that she had it on the system to cover me but that I should have been the one to follow it up, that she is an excellent manager and that I had no right in criticising her (I had only said that it was irresponsible of her to let that happen to me).

See here you made a personal attack on her - calling her irresponsible.
By linkage - you called her manager irresponsible also - who do you think put her in that position... It might have been a good idea to remind her of your holidays though.

miniworry wrote: »

I told her she came across as condescending

Remember my suggestion above - do not make it personal - keep the problem around the issue. Once you make a statement like this all bets are off and you really have no leg to stand on. I am not sure even Socrates could recover from a statement like that.

miniworry wrote: »

I began talking about her the other members of staff who sit around her desk made me feel whenever they spoke to/about me, their general conduct around me. She became defensive and angry when I mentioned how I do not get personal with other members of the team,

As above - again you made a personal attack here. You could have said that you found it hard to concentrate with meetings in the area - maybe suggesting that they could meet in an office or informally in the canteen - but again as your manager she has a right to meet at her desk.

miniworry wrote: »

I ended the meeting, concluding that the issue of how she herself spoke to me had been addressed and that we could reconvene in the next few months. I never bothered with that.

Look again to the one-to-ones - the more you do the better it will get.

miniworry wrote: »

I one day went outside for air to get away from the environment itself. She questioned me on my whereabouts but then made me write her an explanation of my whereabouts in an email.

I am afraid that right now you are in her sights so try to walk the line where you can.

miniworry wrote: »

I don't know what to do, this is not the be-all end-all for me, and while I can't change my current situation, I can't make it better either...

You can definitely make this better.
Take charge - ask to clear the air or for a fresh start.
Be polite and do all you are asked.
If you need a break let her know in advance or ask her for 10 min so you can get some air to clear your head.
Meet regularly and I know... smile - at her and her "friends"...
Do not let them know they are getting to you.
KEEP that LOG - and keep it safe.... (most important thing right now)
Try to keep your discussions about the issue - do NOT blame... Just try to keep talking - and always try to offer a solution that is mutually beneficial.

As you have gone to HR and her manager she probably knows already - so step up and let her know you can't be bullied - but do it in a professional and happy way... (seeing you happy will confuse her)

You might even find after you are meeting for a while that you both learn how to work with each other and once you do her friends will give you a break.

But keep that log...

the_syco

miniworry wrote: »

I had to send an email to the company IT director, and as we were on very informal terms since the start

How far up the food chain is this dude?

Soul Stretcher

I went through a much tamer version of your predicament in my last job.

There was 2 of us lads on team of women with a female boss. My situation was MUCH lesser brutal than yours.

What you're going through is truly shocking in this day and age.

I didn't speak one word about my treatment to anyone in my last job. There is definitely something there where men (I did) think we should be able to deal with these things and have a big resistance to causing turbulence.... Some of us men have no confidence in exposing our hurt to female bosses who are causing it.... I know I did...

I regret now not dealing with it at the time.... I feel like I let them win. I feel defeated.... which is not how I like feeling...

I know this is a generalisation but I think women are much better at dealing with "confrontations" of this sort...

If you were a woman on a team of men... would your case receive more assistance from HR/ your bosses boss ??

I think for your own self-esteem you HAVE to deal with this - whether or not you got a new job in the near future...

Look on it as a personal growth exercise.... if you can put this horrible situation right, then youi will have the skills to deal with any reoccurances in the future/future jobs !!

Follow the advice above re recording every detail and set yourself a deadline... e.g. but the end of September I'm gonna be working in an environment where I am respected and treated as an equal....

Good Luck !! I'm rooting for ya !!

LegacyUser

You need to look at this objectively and define a plan to limit damage ,this kind of bullying will break you down long term .I have experienced b4 and continued until I started playing the game. I was brought up to a hr meeting and I got so angry that I was going to lift the table .I knew if I did that i would be fired on the spot so I used the all the fire, I had into faking a nervous breakdown . I went to the doctor got a cert for nervous exhaustion and refused to go back to work .After 2 weeks my boss rang asking me to return to work . I blankly refused . After another week I did return and by then I had recouped all my energy and set up a plan to beat the b***h . I did not make eye contact with her stood at least 6 feet away from her .It really got to her because she had no power over me anymore .I didn't give a flying f**k about her and that destroyed her. She knew she had no power over me and the game was over. By the way she was absolutely crap at her job.

The book the bully in sight - Tim Field is good but right now you need to keep your mental health try and beat her psychologically find out exactly what give her power and take that away from her.

LegacyUser

You dont have to fake a nervous breakdown. If you are genuinely stressed by your work situation you have every right to get a cert from your doctor. I did this before when I was being bullied by my boss. My doc gave me a cert for 2 weeks when I just couldnt take any more. It was the best thing that happened to me as it gave me a chance to get away from the situation and to get some confidence back to deal with the bully when I went back to work. OP I would recommend doing this if you feel you cannot face going into work & dealing with your boss.

kmick

With respect to all the other replies here you really just need to find a new job. Start looking now. Something will come up even if it takes a few months. Life is too short for this. HR departments are horribly useless in most cases so dont even bother. If it were me I would be on the offensive with her regarding the password changing and the laugh as well. That is unacceptable behaviour.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation but not quite so bad. I don't want to go into details about it here. Document everything. Dates, who was present etc.

Try not to let it affect the quality of your work as she will use this as her excuse. Getting a sick cert sounds like a good idea to let you think, lay out boundaries in you own head and read that book.

LegacyUser

kmick wrote: »

With respect to all the other replies here you really just need to find a new job. Start looking now. Something will come up even if it takes a few months. Life is too short for this. HR departments are horribly useless in most cases so dont even bother. If it were me I would be on the offensive with her regarding the password changing and the laugh as well. That is unacceptable behaviour.

I agree changing jobs would be the better option but in the current climate it may take a while. Even if she lays off you a lot you will probable still hate working there.

Mayoegian

With all due respect OP, you cannot stay in this job. This is what I'd do:

1. As this is a bullying incident, I would report it to the HR Department, giving details of everything that's happened, giving proof, anything that shows it's obvious she's bullying you.

2. Whilst all this is happening, keep with your job, but search around for another job-'where there's a will there's a way.'

3. Whatever the outcome of the Bullying report, leave your job if you're still feeling miserable and sad-for hopefully your new job!


I know this sounds like a long rigamoroll, but the fact remains, that this woman who is obviously jealous of you, has bullied you, and if you don't do anything about it, you'll remain miserable, in despair and when she eventually fires you(she'll find a way) she'll do the same thing to the next employee.

Act now!

Jonty

miniworry wrote: »

Thank you very much for this advice so far. I welcome any other insight that may come up. I didn't think that I was being bullied, I thought it was an attitude problem, but looking closer, it seems to be.

I'm going to take my personal diary with me to work, I use it solely for recording when bills are due etc so there's plenty of space. I have kept some emails with threats such as "I hope we do not have to take this matter further" in reference to my trip to the fresh air which was unannounced to her when I left the floor. I'll record the dates of those emails and anything else that now happens.

Thank you for the advice, I feel like there may be hope here to improve this.

Don't leave it in work. Treat that book like a baby. It might get "accidently" lost/edited by your workmates. Write everything down.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I have found it's a good idea to keep a work diary anyway - just for the day to day things you do and that you need to do tomorrow etc. It's a good way to keep easy track of when things come onto your plate etc.

You can also keep a bit of every day aside for anything that goes on that you want to note - a comment made about or to you, meetings or even just observations. It's your diary so whatever you feel appropriate to put in it.

It can be invaluable in a position like yours, esp when they are starting to use the "re-evaluate your work" line, you have a document to refer to as to when you got given the jobs, when you finished them, how many you had on the go at any one time. You will be surprised how quickly people will back down when they are working from memory and you have documentation. You become less and less an easy target and indeed can show up the others by how much you have done or how much is being pushed your way as opposed to spreading the load.

The real trick to it is to make sure no-one else can get their hands on it. It is a bit of a habit you have to get into, but it's also good to be able to look back on and see how much you have achieved even when you are stuck in a bad place.

LegacyUser

I agree with keeping an work diary but I would keep a separate one about the bulling. I know someone who's colleagues took her note book out of her bag!!! Be very careful. Maybe just write on a piece of paper and transfer it into a dairy at home.

This weekend maybe update cv and start job hunting.

Lucyx

I feel for you OP.

I've worked with many female bosses and honestly most have been awful.
I don't know what it is but women in bunches like that are very dangerous and I'm female!! I just hope you're not spending all of your non-work time thinking about the bitches you work with. I know I have many a time.

Pls make the best of your time away from work and that stress cert from the doc is a great idea. That would highlight the problem beautifully.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

hi OP

In a previous career i had a problem like this thou much less severe - and easier because the boss hated everyone equally and it united us against her. in my current field bullying is rife thou i've not directly have a problem - partly cos i've learned how to avoid such issues. only once had i a once off issue that i considered making a very big deal out of but managed to talk myself out of it.


there are two ways of dealing this:

1) keep your head down and avoid confrontation until the day you can leave

2) confront it head on and be WELL prepared to escalate. Most bullies crumble in fear in the light of someone who will stand up to them and is prepared to bring things to official levels. if you go down this route, be prepared to follow thru. that means going to her manager, going to HR and if called for going to solicitor. you may not need to follow thru on all this, but the fact that you are prepared to will transmit to your employers and put the fear of law into them.


one thing where i disagree with previous posters. DON'T talk to your boss directly about it. You've tried. she didn't listen and she didn't change her behaviour. Go over her head and be formal - you've tried the informal route. IF you do talk to her, you need to let her know u mean business. 'letting slip' you have been documenting things might put the fear into her.

either route - document EVERYTHING. it might not seem like it, but actually you are in the stronger position. Your boss is being unprofessional, she is singling you out and she has been dumb enough to do some of it in writing. By all means continue to give her enough rope to hang herself. What i would strongly advise you do over the next wile is try to get even more in writing. i.e. if your password is being changed every week, try to get evidence in writing - email and ask why - get some response. get some documented evidence that your password is being changed regularly and its disrupting your work. Thats definite evidence of bullying. if the IT guy is your friend maybe he could give you records of who changed your password and when - but be careful about asking about this in case he might tell her.


anyhow i hope it works out. having some distance from people at work is not necesarily a bad thing - keeps things professional. i've given up looking to make friends at work - i just wanna get thru day with minimum fuss


disclaimer: all this is assuming you don't have a godawful donkey laugh and are good and professional at ur job :P

tinkerbell

I'm not sure if anybody has mentioned this but her trying to log into your pc the whole time is not acceptable and then locking you out as well. This is a total IT security failure and the IT dept in your company should not be allowing anybody but you to change your password.

Defo bring it to HR, she's bullying you and she shouldn't be allowed get away with it. HR seem to be brushing you off but persist.

the_syco

tinkerbell wrote: »

I'm not sure if anybody has mentioned this but her trying to log into your pc the whole time is not acceptable and then locking you out as well. This is a total IT security failure and the IT dept in your company should not be allowing anybody but you to change your password.

It'd suck if she deleted all your files. It'd also suck if she deleted your windows directory, preventing your machine from going into Windows, or doing anything...

Overheal

Go 2009 on her ass. Wear a wire. Sansa MP3 Player with a microphone lead. You could leave that to record all bloody day if you needed to. A few famous cases this year, of physical abuse in Special Needs schools here in the US have been ripped right open by similar wires that parents have placed on their disabled children before sending them off to school that day. Teachers verbally and physcially assaulting these kids. And frankly theres not that much difference in comparison to workplace bullying of this nature, when you are under the heel of a superior.

Good documentation is a strong defense. Audio and Video evidence is second only to Ironclad.

I one day went outside for air to get away from the environment itself. She questioned me on my whereabouts but then made me write her an explanation of my whereabouts in an email.

Wow. **** her!

I would have just quoted State law (in my case) that says I am provided under protection of the law a full 30 minutes break minimum per 6 hours of work.

Whatever you do, don't just quit. You are out so much here. Youd be quitting and youd never get that piece of yourself back is what im saying. You at least have to make those records, and pursue the matter to the full extent of the law. Its law for a very good reason.

As for the computer, talk to me in Comp and Tech. You can set a BIOS password, which only a tech is going to be intelligent enough to get around (and even then, they dont always think of the way) - on the black and white startup screen you usally press F10 or something to get into the BIOS setup. From here you can set a BIOS password which can restrict access to the entire machine - without it, nobody else will be even able to turn it on, let alone get into Windows.

As always though, bring up that particular matter with IT and the HR, and her immediate superior. It has got to be against regulation to lock you out of your machine like that.

Unregistered wrote: »

I agree with keeping an work diary but I would keep a separate one about the bulling. I know someone who's colleagues took her note book out of her bag!!! Be very careful. Maybe just write on a piece of paper and transfer it into a dairy at home.

This weekend maybe update cv and start job hunting.

Or use Google Docs, and keep the entire shibang online. Or a small notepad you can keep in your backpocket to transcribe later.

spongeman

Get a Solicitor.

Adamisconfused

the_syco wrote: »

It'd suck if she deleted all your files. It'd also suck if she deleted your windows directory, preventing your machine from going into Windows, or doing anything...

That would suck and its so easily done that she might not have even realised that she did it.
Her deleting files to make the employee work late and redo work would be an open and shut case of bullying. Dreadful altogether.It would be useful ammunition when making a complaint.
OP, you should definitely keep track of everything she does with your computer. Also, get explanations as to why some of your work isn't, in her opinion, up to scratch. If it’s obviously a petty reason then all the better for you when the time comes to make a formal complaint.
You should look for another job, but fight to bring this manager down a peg or two before you leave. You’ll feel terrible for years to come if you let this person get the better of you.