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Need Help on Writing my Letter

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  • 29-07-2009 8:44pm
    #1
    blathnaid21
    Registered Users Posts: 79 ✭✭


    Hi,
    I have written this letter and i would like some suggestions and ideas on how to improve it because i know its far too long and needs to be shorter but i don't know how and what to leave out or in etc etc so i would be grateful for your help please.This my Letter.

    Dear Mr. /Ms.

    I’d like to apply for the position of sales which I saw advertised on your store window.
    I love fashion and (The Company Name) is my favourite store to shop in and I always come out being a happy customer with what I buy and I have a great insight into all types of fashion which I buy many of my styles from all different countries to try out there styles and looks. I love Jeans and jeans like the new little black dress and there are all types and sizes and fits to fit everyone. Skinny Jeans look so fabulous and great on everyone and give out a nice appearance that your butt is higher and your legs longer and your hips narrower and then when the customer see that, there happy as the most important role is keeping the customers happy and greeting them with a smile so that there made welcome into Jean Scene to shop and browser etc.

    I am applying for this position because I am good at selling as I sell items I don’t want or have no use for online and I am know for my fast delivers and get great feedback.
    I have worked in Retail in Dunnes Stores as a till operator which involved serving customers needs and wants and chatting to them to greet them with a friendly smile and cashing up at the end of my shift. I also worked for Eurospar which was till operator and facing products on the shelf’s so that customers can see each product clearly and know what there buying. Teamwork important as well and when people work in a team, the job gets done proper and better and then everyone happy. I do some market research in my spare time as I sell items online and that’s very important as it shows brilliant results afterwards and it all pays off in the end and it gets customers wanting to buy from you more.
    In the store market research can be done by asking customers there opinions on changes or what the store could add to the jean scene fashion or asking them there opinion on pricing of the clothes and is the prices right for there pocket as it is recession after all. Also asking them bout colours and styles and what kind of styles would they add or not add to the (The Company Name) fashion and also find out what type of jeans are popular on the market today and what price they are going for as everyone wears jeans but they get wore out so the customers will be coming back for more jeans and looking for tops etc to match the jeans which anything match’s jeans as long its in the right colour and style and then the customer has the perfect outfit for the night or day or whenever they like.

    I would like to thank you for your time for considering the(The Company Name) position.

    Respectfully yours

    Blathnaid (and surname of course)
    Tagged:


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    #2
    Random
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,082 ✭✭✭✭Random


    I haven't applied for a new job for a while but to me it just seems too long and bloated. When I've ever done them I've put in one quick paragraph saying what I want, one what I can do, and one where I'm available.

    Then I've made my CV look good and targeted to the job.

    Then I've done the rest at the interview.


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    #3
    herya
    Registered Users Posts: 1,571 ✭✭✭herya


    It feels too chatty and not to the point. I'd omit the "I love fashion" and "In the store" paragraphs completely, they're just fillers. Have somebody proofread it for you, some minor spelling/grammar mistakes.

    Anyway good luck!


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    #4
    F1ngers
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators Posts: 10,284 Mod ✭✭✭✭F1ngers


    blathnaid21 wrote: »
    Dear Mr. /Ms.

    I’d like to apply for the position of sales which I saw advertised in your store window.

    Please see my C.V for further details.

    Respectfully yours

    Blathnaid (and surname of course)

    FYP...:D


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Not good.

    Wayyyyy too long. I have never seen sentences as long as some of the ones you have there. The sentence that begins with 'Also asking them...' is a case in point.

    Change 'there' to 'their' where applicable. (Use a spellchecker!)

    The overall tone is too chatty and familiar. Keep it short, and as already mentioned, let your CV do the talking!

    I'd recommend starting from scratch.

    Best of luck.


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    #6
    Durga
    Closed Accounts Posts: 62 ✭✭Durga


    You have all the right ingredients it just needs to be structured properly and more condensed... as well as correcting your misspellings and grammar, which goes without saying. Don't rely on spell check.

    A cover letter is really about giving relevant but sufficient information to make the company want to find out more about you and invite you for interview. Once you get to the interview you will have an opportunity to discuss your ideas about fashion further and really impress them.

    A useful guideline for structuring a cover letter is as follows:

    Brief introduction

    Knowledge i.e. what you know about the company, something positive and complimentary (which you have done but needs to be cut back)

    Experience i.e. how your previous experience relates to the position

    Skills i.e. how your skills match the position

    Brief summary of the above and why you are the right candidate

    Best of luck with it


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    #7
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Here's an edited version:
    Dear sir/madam

    I’d like to apply for the position of sales which I saw advertised on your store window.

    I have worked in Dunnes Stores and Eurospar as a till operator ** , and feel this experience can be put to use in your store.

    I would like to thank you for your time for considering my application for the Jean Scene position. Please see my CV (enclosed) for more information.

    Respectfully yours

    Blathnaid (and surname of course)

    **If you stocked shelves, briefly mention it here
    blathnaid21 wrote: »
    asking them there opinion on pricing of the clothes and is the prices right for there pocket as it is recession after all
    You're there to sell stuff, not to get people to tell you to lower the prices.


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    #8
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Put it like this Blathnaid:

    1. Imagine you have a busy business. You just got this cover letter and CV - would you stand there for 5/10mins to read this and try understand it? First of all it is way too long and second of all it doesnt make sense - I mean to you its the greatest thing in the world to be interested in fashion but to an employer they want a synopsis or short introduction to you and your skills

    2. While reading this you go "damn this person hasnt even made the effort to spell or phrase things correctly" (as some have pointed out know the difference between their and there).

    3. I know you are only young, but take this as a rule of thumb....sentences should never be more than 20 words long. When you are writing something this formal, you should read it aloud to see if it makes sense.

    Hope this helps.


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    #9
    dooardbhoy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭dooardbhoy


    Hi, I hope this gives you a start, all you are looking for is an interview then you can go into more details.

    Good luck

    Date
    Position - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Dear Mr. /Ms.

    I’d like to apply for the position of sales which I recently saw advertised in your store window.

    I have a keen interest in fashion and (The Company Name) is one of my favourite stores. As a current customer I feel that the product and service are both good and because of this I would like to be part of the team. I believe the most important role is keeping the customers happy and greeting them with a smile so that they are made to feel welcome and the atmosphere is pleasant for them to feel relaxed enough to buy.

    I am applying for this position because I am good at selling and have experience of retail from my time with Dunnes Stores. I was a till operator which involved serving customers needs and chatting to them and cashing up at the end of my shift. I also worked for Eurospar as a till operator and stocking up where necessary. I feel good teamwork is important as when people work in a team, the job is done quicker and better.

    I do some market research in my spare time as I sell items online and that’s very important as it shows good results afterwards.It all pays off in the end as customers want to buy from you more as its been an all-round good experience.

    Similarly in store market research can be done by asking customers there opinions on changes or what the store could add to improve things particularly in these times. like.

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Yours sincerely,

    Blathnaid (and surname of course)


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