Cancer

john_cappa

Hi,

Just found out my mother is terminally ill with cancer. The time frame mentioned is so small and hard to accept especially when u look at her and she looks so healthy and full of life.

The pain is something so severe, like nothing ive ever felt but as strange as it seems it is giving me awful strength inside that i know i can deal with the pressures ahead in caring for my mother over the coming months and when she is gone minding my father.

Any one any advice or similar experience

brownbinman

hi john

something similar happened to me when i was 14. my mam got cancer and died 3 months after she found out.

Its not an easy time mate, im not gonna lie, but try and make it as comfortable for her as possible, helping with whatever she asks.

BUT...as they say, time is a healer and its certainly true.

Enjoy your time with her is all i can advise.

i wish you both best of luck and sorry for your trouble

samhradh

hi john cappa
sorry to hear about your mam.
your post really struck a chord with me, its strange how when given such news as you have received one is given the strength to cope with it.
i know i felt same when we were given same news regarding my own mam.
can share your experience of severe pain will never forget the day i was told the news, remember laying awake all night and at about 4 in the morning just realising that i know it sounds corny but you just have to accept the things you cannot change, work on things you can change and very importantly have wisdom to know the difference. when i worried i tried ask myself will i change the outcome with worry ? answer was no , agree it wont stop you from worrying but for me it gave strange peace as in i could use my strength and energy to change the things i could . this focused me to channel my energy and strength into my mother and keeping strong for her. you really have to work on yourself first. i heard the news on a wednesday. i could not bear to come face to face with my mother until friday it was so painful (we made the decision not to tell her- was something she always had said she wanted in the situation) and it took me full week for numbness and shock to go, remember eating and just not being able to keep down food.

it is great that you recognise you have this strength ,
this is what i found worked for me
-after that first week i decided that there would be enough time to deal with cancer when she had passed away and decided in a way to shelve those feelings as best i could and focused on making it the best for her
-as she did not know full extent of cancer kept life normal as possible and just enjoyed every minute.
-as you mentioned she looks healthy and full of life right now- well take full advantage of that and dont be asking yourself oh what will happen next. all you can deal with is today , dont be trying to look too far ahead, NOBODY knows what the future holds. the doctors themselves even , with cancer its almost like a different disease with everybody, the side effects are so different.

so stay strong, it is a rollercoaster of emotions , allow yourself the lows as well, accept that they are all part of it. remember you need an outlet too, dont emerse yourself and burn yourself out or you will be no good to your mam. to stay strong you need to be able to live with the lows and know that you will get over things and feel strong again.

take care

CathyMoran

Mods - hope that it is OK to post this link http://www.cancer.ie/ - this is a link to the Irish Cancer Society. They have a phone line that is particularly good. Take care.

Firetrap

So so sorry to hear about your mum

All you can do is be there for your mum and help her in any way you can. The only good thing to come out of this terrible news is that you now have the opportunity to say all the things you need to say to her and to cherish your time with her. Hopefully you will get to have some enjoyable times together still - something positive to remember her by.

Just a word of warning - you could yet go through a roller-coaster of emotions (link) and no doubt you will find some days tough. Just take one day at a time - there is no point in looking too far down the line. As well as helping your parents, make sure you look after yourself. Take care.

ChewChew

Hey John,

Yep know exactly what you are going through.

My dad got ill, well he started suffering from back pain. went to the doctor and after alot of pushig for scans he had an MRI done and confirmed he had tumours on his spine. This Happened in the may of 2004 and then june they ran further tests and he was diagnosed with renal and lung cancer, secondary to the primary spinal tumours. So in june, dad aged 49 was given 3 months to live. devasted is all I can say. I was truly devastated.

but we gave dad lots of things to look forward too, We booked a holiday to portugal for 2 weeks but he wa only well enough to go for 10 tens.

My sister brought her wedding forward so he had that to look forward too. he had only 3 daughters and he was actually going to get to walk one of them down the isle. so that kept him motivated.

The 3 months passed and he was told he'd have another 3 months. He loved xmas so he was really excited about that and it gave it something to focus on and get axcited about again.

We also got him a dog. Which he loved and cherished.

He was happy, and that made us happy. we did the things he wanted to do that made him happy even if it made us cringe.

I understand how hard it can be to accept you are about to lose a parent, but to be there and be stronge for everyone including your mam is going to make a huge difference.

yermandan

Hi John,

All I can say is that I am so sorry for your situation and I have no idea what you are going through. But keep checking in here because you will find much support and people who are dedicated to helping those who need it. Your Dad and your family are in my thoughts. Take care buddy.

Dan

john_cappa

brownbinman wrote: »

hi john

something similar happened to me when i was 14. my mam got cancer and died 3 months after she found out.

Its not an easy time mate, im not gonna lie, but try and make it as comfortable for her as possible, helping with whatever she asks.

BUT...as they say, time is a healer and its certainly true.

Enjoy your time with her is all i can advise.

i wish you both best of luck and sorry for your trouble

thanks for your kind words!

CathyMoran wrote: »

Mods - hope that it is OK to post this link http://www.cancer.ie/ - this is a link to the Irish Cancer Society. They have a phone line that is particularly good. Take care.

Thanks for the link

Firetrap wrote: »

So so sorry to hear about your mum

All you can do is be there for your mum and help her in any way you can. The only good thing to come out of this terrible news is that you now have the opportunity to say all the things you need to say to her and to cherish your time with her. Hopefully you will get to have some enjoyable times together still - something positive to remember her by.

Just a word of warning - you could yet go through a roller-coaster of emotions (link) and no doubt you will find some days tough. Just take one day at a time - there is no point in looking too far down the line. As well as helping your parents, make sure you look after yourself. Take care.

again thank you. Good link aswell. I like to be "academic" about stuff like this so understanding the process is a start

yermandan wrote: »

Hi John,

All I can say is that I am so sorry for your situation and I have no idea what you are going through. But keep checking in here because you will find much support and people who are dedicated to helping those who need it. Your Dad and your family are in my thoughts. Take care buddy.

Dan

Thanks dan. Sometimes its nice to talk to strangers

john_cappa

samhradh wrote: »

hi john cappa
sorry to hear about your mam.
your post really struck a chord with me, its strange how when given such news as you have received one is given the strength to cope with it.
i know i felt same when we were given same news regarding my own mam.
can share your experience of severe pain will never forget the day i was told the news, remember laying awake all night and at about 4 in the morning just realising that i know it sounds corny but you just have to accept the things you cannot change, work on things you can change and very importantly have wisdom to know the difference. when i worried i tried ask myself will i change the outcome with worry ? answer was no , agree it wont stop you from worrying but for me it gave strange peace as in i could use my strength and energy to change the things i could . this focused me to channel my energy and strength into my mother and keeping strong for her. you really have to work on yourself first. i heard the news on a wednesday. i could not bear to come face to face with my mother until friday it was so painful (we made the decision not to tell her- was something she always had said she wanted in the situation) and it took me full week for numbness and shock to go, remember eating and just not being able to keep down food.

I am focusing all my energy into preparing the house as we intend to keep her at home for as long as we are able to care for needs. Its a strange feeling putting in a downstairs bedrooom and ensuite and asking questions like "should be put a double door into the ensuite so if we need to hold her up walking through" etc. Very surreal. Feel like im part of a bad film/dream.

Is your own mam still alive?

samhradh wrote: »

hi john cappa

it is great that you recognise you have this strength ,
this is what i found worked for me
-after that first week i decided that there would be enough time to deal with cancer when she had passed away and decided in a way to shelve those feelings as best i could and focused on making it the best for her
-as she did not know full extent of cancer kept life normal as possible and just enjoyed every minute.
-as you mentioned she looks healthy and full of life right now- well take full advantage of that and dont be asking yourself oh what will happen next. all you can deal with is today , dont be trying to look too far ahead, NOBODY knows what the future holds. the doctors themselves even , with cancer its almost like a different disease with everybody, the side effects are so different.


take care

This is what i am trying to due but it is very tough. My mother or father do not know the extent either of her cancer. Myself and my sister stayed and asked doctors about time etc. Mt mother cant find out as she would give up hope then. Staying positive i think is the most important think. There is a slim chance that the doctors may be off in terms of the time she has predicted so holding on to that slim chance is what we must do i think

samhradh wrote: »

hi john cappa

so stay strong, it is a rollercoaster of emotions , allow yourself the lows as well, accept that they are all part of it. remember you need an outlet too, dont emerse yourself and burn yourself out or you will be no good to your mam. to stay strong you need to be able to live with the lows and know that you will get over things and feel strong again.

take care

I just hope there is some highs to go with the lows

thanks for your post!

john_cappa

ChewChew wrote: »

Hey John,

Yep know exactly what you are going through.

My dad got ill, well he started suffering from back pain. went to the doctor and after alot of pushig for scans he had an MRI done and confirmed he had tumours on his spine. This Happened in the may of 2004 and then june they ran further tests and he was diagnosed with renal and lung cancer, secondary to the primary spinal tumours. So in june, dad aged 49 was given 3 months to live. devasted is all I can say. I was truly devastated.

but we gave dad lots of things to look forward too, We booked a holiday to portugal for 2 weeks but he wa only well enough to go for 10 tens.

My sister brought her wedding forward so he had that to look forward too. he had only 3 daughters and he was actually going to get to walk one of them down the isle. so that kept him motivated.

The 3 months passed and he was told he'd have another 3 months. He loved xmas so he was really excited about that and it gave it something to focus on and get axcited about again.

We also got him a dog. Which he loved and cherished.

He was happy, and that made us happy. we did the things he wanted to do that made him happy even if it made us cringe.

I understand how hard it can be to accept you are about to lose a parent, but to be there and be stronge for everyone including your mam is going to make a huge difference.

This message has broken my heart. I just got engaged and am planing a wedding 3 years off. Dont think its going to be brought forward but its too early to decide. My sister is also due a baby in 6 months which will be the first grandchild so im just praying she is not only still here but well enough to do more than just look at the baby and that she can enjoy holding her.

Sorry to ask but your father was given 3 months, then a further 3 months. How long did he fight it out?

Im sorry for you loss. A young man at 49 he was

Optimus Caesar

Hi John,

Sorry to hear your news. Going through something similar myself as my mother has lung cancer.
Was diagnosed almost 2 years ago.

Last September we were told that she wouldn't be cured and had a year at most. That evaluation changed a few times as she got infection after infection but she is still here but I think the news we got last September won't be too far from the truth. Likewise my mother wasn't told the extent of her diagnosis to keep her motivated. It's hard on the families but that can't be anything like what the victims are going through. I can't imagine what my mother thinks, knowing that you are not getting better but at the same time none of her doctors have ever told her what the family have been told.

I think the important thing is to give your mum events to look forward to - as another poster has said. It will provide focus.
I've just become a father and all my mothers carers were convinced that she was hanging on to see the baby but he's nearly 8 weeks old now and she's still here so hopefully she can fight on a bit longer.

Try to stay positive and best of luck to you all.

adm

Bloody Cancer.
Both my mother and my father have cancer. Looks like my Dad has just months to live - they've stopped all treatment and are just giving palliative care. I've never been close to him but it still sucks. My mother had treatment for breast cancer and seems well enough but we shall have to wait a couple of months for test results. Not much you can do really except be there for them.

Quandary

Hi John,

3 years ago my mother went to the doctor with abdominal pains and after scans we were told she had terminal cancer. My sister phoned me with the scan results and i was utterly devastated. She had metastatic pancreatic cancer which is pretty much as bad as it gets. She passed away only 6 weeks after the day she was diagnosed.

Needless to say i know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. My advice would be to hope for the best & stay positive for your mum & family. Oh and mark my words, no matter how bad the news gets you will find a way to deal with it. Your mum will be scared enough as it is & it will help her greatly if she sees you and the rest of the family staying strong.

A point of advice when dealing with doctors/oncologists - try to speak to them one on one and ask them to be brutally honest with you - You will be able to adjust and deal with things quicker.

If you have any questions feel freey to Pm me & ill do my best to help.

Keep the head up & take it literally one day at a time

all the best

LegacyUser

my mam is battling cancer at the minute. its tough with ups and downs but the good chance she has of being cured is what keeps us going day to day. at some points weve had to face her possible death when shes been really sick and we may have to consider it again, what ive learned from those points is that your Mam wont feel alone and will take great strength from her family being around her and caring for her. Talk to her, keep her company. Youll be giving her a great relief in the last few months just by being with her and talking to her. im sorry to hear of your mams diagnosis.

LegacyUser

To the OP, can I ask what cancer it is?

ladygirl

Its not an easy time mate, im not gonna lie, but try and make it as comfortable for her as possible, helping with whatever she asks.


Yes i agree - sorry to hear about your mam
if god brings you to it - he will bring you through it.

peanut66

Hi OP,

Im really sorry to hear about your Mam. I'm going through the same thing right now with my Dad. He is only going to be 55 in August. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer last October, caused by exposure to Asbestos years ago.

He has always been pretty healthy and the news came as a complete shock to us all. I have one brother and sister and Im the eldest. Im very close to my Dad and Im in bits over it to be honest. We were told most people with the type he has (in lining of his lung) have 9 - 12 mnths to live. Its been 9 now and he had been doing well enough. He didnt lose his hair and has lost weight but not a massive amount, so he still looks healthy enough to anyone else. He recently started going down hill, picking up a kidney infection and just getting really weak and tired. He has been in and out of hospital in last few months.

He is in there at the moment as he has pneumonia which none of us knew about.....antibiotics seem to be clearing it up for him now though. Truth is none of us know how long he has left. Last week we were preparing for the worst but he has pulled through it. I know how u feel, I feel like I will never be happy again. But like you I have to be strong for my Dad and my Mam and my brother and sister. Its really hard sometimes.

Im sure your Mam knows how much she means to you and all you can do is be there through it all. My Dad knows how bad he is but he likes us all to keep things as normal around him as possible. He hates fussing. We all have to find our own way of getting through it. I thought I would have had a break down by now but you just have to keep going for everyone else around you and your Mam. Just make sure you talk to someone when it all gets too much..... People will expect you to be angry and upset and depressed....I know I am...

Im off to visit my Dad in hospital now but I hope things pick up as much as possible for your family and try to stay positive.

Loula

Hey John,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My Dad died last year from cancer and even now typing this sentence still seems surreal. From your posts its clear that your Mom has an amazing family, your attitude and fight is so admirable. Whats ahead of you is going to be really tough obviously, but from my own experience you will find a strength from somewhere that allows you to do the utmost for your mom. We were also lucky enough to have my Dad at home, its difficult to watch and be part of that but at the same time please appreciate the quality time you've been given with your Mom. I got completely consumed by it and it was so good for me-I didn't actually leave the house in the month before my Dad died. Not everyone gets the chance to get as close as you and your family will get, its awful we have to go through this but you will find comfort in that closeness. The cancer is something you will deal with for the rest of your life, so try and concentrate on your Mom, from your posts its clear you are. I don't really know what the point of my post is, just to let you know there are so many of us going through this, everybody's experiences are different and personal but you can get through it. Again, I really am so sorry, take care of yourself

Katarn1

Hi John,

Initially I wasn't going to write anything here, I have nothing that could help.

But I just thought I'd say, my heart goes out to you and your family.

Keith

ChewChew

john_cappa wrote: »

This message has broken my heart. I just got engaged and am planing a wedding 3 years off. Dont think its going to be brought forward but its too early to decide. My sister is also due a baby in 6 months which will be the first grandchild so im just praying she is not only still here but well enough to do more than just look at the baby and that she can enjoy holding her.

Sorry to ask but your father was given 3 months, then a further 3 months. How long did he fight it out?

Im sorry for you loss. A young man at 49 he was

John. I really dont know what to say that can make this any easier for you. I really cant. I just hope my own experience might help you change a few things you are going to do or even just help you along the way. I really do not want to upset you.

First things, dont bring your wedding forward if you hav no intention of. My sister was in a position where she was with her partner a long time and they were going to marry anyways and it just so happened that it was managable for her to bring it forward. Apologies if I sound condesending. far from my intention also.

At the time of my dads diagnosis, my sister was also pregnant. But dad got very much involved in that where he went shopping with my sister and picked out her pram and little things like thatt. My sister found out that she was having a girl and dad picked her name. So she is very special in our hearts as she has such a weird connection with dad

Yes, Dad was given 3 months and was expected to be gone by Sept 04. then with the help of medication and steroids he was given a further 3 months and he lasted till xmas which was amazing. And then after xmas he deteriorated and we were told it could be any hour, and day.

Dad actually ended up passing away on March 8th, 2005.

His Granddaughter was born on April 14th.

Although he would have loved to have met her, we truly believe he left us in order to make way for this beautiful new, healthy life.

I hope this helps comfort you in some way, and I really hope that you can make the best of the time with your mum. Because I know the last few months of my dads life were very enjoyable in some ways for us and he left us with amazing memories.

LegacyUser

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my Mum to cancer just over three years ago. She had no more than six months to live after her diagnosis - it was well advanced by the time it was discovered. She died just over five months later in my arms. I can tell you I have never experinced such grief or loss.

My advice is to spend every second you can with her. Ask her everything you can about your childhood, life, the universe and everything. Ask her for her best advice, her funniest moment, her fondest memory, her first love. Remember her smell, her laugh, the way she moves her hands, the flick of her hair, her wise sayings. Tell her what she means to you. Tell her about your plans for your life and family. But above all, don't prioritise anything above her. You only have months with her and years without her - everything else really can come later. I wish someone had given me the same advice.

And be prepared for one of the worst hurts ever. And for the moments in your life to come when the first person you want to call is your Mum. The split second in the morning when you wake and her absence is not real. For the time you're sitting on the bus or walking down the street and a waft of her perfume from a passer-by has you in tears before you even realise. The vivid conversations in dreams that feel so real. Though time heals, your life will be punctuated with little moments when the pain is acute. Yes, it gets easier - but no matter what life achievement I have, it's always a little emptier not being able to share it with her. So share with her now. Tell her the marvelous things you and your family will achieve. Know how proud of you she is and will be.

I wish you lots of love and happiness in your future.

LegacyUser

I have never experienced my parents or close relatives being ill or dying so cant give advice, however I just wanted to say how much I admire the courage and strength that all the people here have shown. I only hope if I ever have to deal with this situation that I can be like you. OP - my best wishes to you and your family. I hope you stay strong for all that is ahead of you.

LegacyUser

I am so sorry to hear of your situation john, My heart really goes out to you.

I lost my nephew in Jan 08 to Leukeamia after a four month battle. He was only five when he died. All i can say is stay strong and stay close with all your family. Its amazing how their support will carry you through and how you will want to stay strong for everyone else too. I dont know how anyone copes but it just seems to happen naturally. Everyone will have bad days, but honestly, 18months later... I remember the good time and how lucky we were to have him just for that short period of time. I hope you have the same healing in your situation and that you can appreciate every second you have which im sure you will.

Best wishes

john_cappa

Optimus Caesar wrote: »

Hi John,

Sorry to hear your news. Going through something similar myself as my mother has lung cancer.
Was diagnosed almost 2 years ago.

Last September we were told that she wouldn't be cured and had a year at most. That evaluation changed a few times as she got infection after infection but she is still here but I think the news we got last September won't be too far from the truth. Likewise my mother wasn't told the extent of her diagnosis to keep her motivated. It's hard on the families but that can't be anything like what the victims are going through. I can't imagine what my mother thinks, knowing that you are not getting better but at the same time none of her doctors have ever told her what the family have been told.

I think the important thing is to give your mum events to look forward to - as another poster has said. It will provide focus.
I've just become a father and all my mothers carers were convinced that she was hanging on to see the baby but he's nearly 8 weeks old now and she's still here so hopefully she can fight on a bit longer.

Try to stay positive and best of luck to you all.

That is very similar to my situation! I hope your mum is well enough to enjoy spending time with her new grandchild!

adm wrote: »

Bloody Cancer.
Both my mother and my father have cancer. Looks like my Dad has just months to live - they've stopped all treatment and are just giving palliative care. I've never been close to him but it still sucks. My mother had treatment for breast cancer and seems well enough but we shall have to wait a couple of months for test results. Not much you can do really except be there for them.

Thats tough. Cancer hits every family with out exception

Quandary wrote: »

Hi John,

3 years ago my mother went to the doctor with abdominal pains and after scans we were told she had terminal cancer. My sister phoned me with the scan results and i was utterly devastated. She had metastatic pancreatic cancer which is pretty much as bad as it gets. She passed away only 6 weeks after the day she was diagnosed.

Needless to say i know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. My advice would be to hope for the best & stay positive for your mum & family. Oh and mark my words, no matter how bad the news gets you will find a way to deal with it. Your mum will be scared enough as it is & it will help her greatly if she sees you and the rest of the family staying strong.

A point of advice when dealing with doctors/oncologists - try to speak to them one on one and ask them to be brutally honest with you - You will be able to adjust and deal with things quicker.

If you have any questions feel freey to Pm me & ill do my best to help.

Keep the head up & take it literally one day at a time

all the best

That must have been awful tough. Time is so short. Thanks for the advice and kind offer

avdvd wrote: »

my mam is battling cancer at the minute. its tough with ups and downs but the good chance she has of being cured is what keeps us going day to day. at some points weve had to face her possible death when shes been really sick and we may have to consider it again, what ive learned from those points is that your Mam wont feel alone and will take great strength from her family being around her and caring for her. Talk to her, keep her company. Youll be giving her a great relief in the last few months just by being with her and talking to her. im sorry to hear of your mams diagnosis.

I will say a prayer and light a candle for your mother. Funny how you seem to find your faith in god when times are tough

avdvd wrote: »

To the OP, can I ask what cancer it is?

Origionally breast cancer.

john_cappa

peanut66 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Im really sorry to hear about your Mam. I'm going through the same thing right now with my Dad. He is only going to be 55 in August. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer last October, caused by exposure to Asbestos years ago.

He has always been pretty healthy and the news came as a complete shock to us all. I have one brother and sister and Im the eldest. Im very close to my Dad and Im in bits over it to be honest. We were told most people with the type he has (in lining of his lung) have 9 - 12 mnths to live. Its been 9 now and he had been doing well enough. He didnt lose his hair and has lost weight but not a massive amount, so he still looks healthy enough to anyone else. He recently started going down hill, picking up a kidney infection and just getting really weak and tired. He has been in and out of hospital in last few months.

He is in there at the moment as he has pneumonia which none of us knew about.....antibiotics seem to be clearing it up for him now though. Truth is none of us know how long he has left. Last week we were preparing for the worst but he has pulled through it. I know how u feel, I feel like I will never be happy again. But like you I have to be strong for my Dad and my Mam and my brother and sister. Its really hard sometimes.

Im sure your Mam knows how much she means to you and all you can do is be there through it all. My Dad knows how bad he is but he likes us all to keep things as normal around him as possible. He hates fussing. We all have to find our own way of getting through it. I thought I would have had a break down by now but you just have to keep going for everyone else around you and your Mam. Just make sure you talk to someone when it all gets too much..... People will expect you to be angry and upset and depressed....I know I am...

Im off to visit my Dad in hospital now but I hope things pick up as much as possible for your family and try to stay positive.

My heart goes out to go. We are both lucky that we have at least one sibling to support help support each other. Going through something like this as an only child must be heart wrenching

john_cappa

Loula wrote: »

Hey John,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My Dad died last year from cancer and even now typing this sentence still seems surreal. From your posts its clear that your Mom has an amazing family, your attitude and fight is so admirable. Whats ahead of you is going to be really tough obviously, but from my own experience you will find a strength from somewhere that allows you to do the utmost for your mom. We were also lucky enough to have my Dad at home, its difficult to watch and be part of that but at the same time please appreciate the quality time you've been given with your Mom. I got completely consumed by it and it was so good for me-I didn't actually leave the house in the month before my Dad died. Not everyone gets the chance to get as close as you and your family will get, its awful we have to go through this but you will find comfort in that closeness. The cancer is something you will deal with for the rest of your life, so try and concentrate on your Mom, from your posts its clear you are. I don't really know what the point of my post is, just to let you know there are so many of us going through this, everybody's experiences are different and personal but you can get through it. Again, I really am so sorry, take care of yourself

We want to keep mam at home as long as possible as well. Im am concentrating on shelving my emotion while im with her to keep her positive. We are going away for the week end as a family so we will enjoy a drink and cry together id imagine.

john_cappa

Katarn1 wrote: »

Hi John,

Initially I wasn't going to write anything here, I have nothing that could help.

But I just thought I'd say, my heart goes out to you and your family.

Keith

thanks keith

Unregistered wrote: »

I have never experienced my parents or close relatives being ill or dying so cant give advice, however I just wanted to say how much I admire the courage and strength that all the people here have shown. I only hope if I ever have to deal with this situation that I can be like you. OP - my best wishes to you and your family. I hope you stay strong for all that is ahead of you.

I have never experienced anyone close to me dying before so at 26 years old ive been lucky. I had forgotten that so many people go through something similar to what i am and worse aswell and are so strong after it. Life will go on and ive been lucky to have been so close to my mother already

Unregistered wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear of your situation john, My heart really goes out to you.

I lost my nephew in Jan 08 to Leukeamia after a four month battle. He was only five when he died. All i can say is stay strong and stay close with all your family. Its amazing how their support will carry you through and how you will want to stay strong for everyone else too. I dont know how anyone copes but it just seems to happen naturally. Everyone will have bad days, but honestly, 18months later... I remember the good time and how lucky we were to have him just for that short period of time. I hope you have the same healing in your situation and that you can appreciate every second you have which im sure you will.

Best wishes

A child loss is tragic. As an amazing coincidence a child died in my family in Jan 08, aged 5 to leukeamia. His parent have since had a another little boy but i dont think anything can ease the loss of a little boy

john_cappa

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my Mum to cancer just over three years ago. She had no more than six months to live after her diagnosis - it was well advanced by the time it was discovered. She died just over five months later in my arms. I can tell you I have never experinced such grief or loss.

My advice is to spend every second you can with her. Ask her everything you can about your childhood, life, the universe and everything. Ask her for her best advice, her funniest moment, her fondest memory, her first love. Remember her smell, her laugh, the way she moves her hands, the flick of her hair, her wise sayings. Tell her what she means to you. Tell her about your plans for your life and family. But above all, don't prioritise anything above her. You only have months with her and years without her - everything else really can come later. I wish someone had given me the same advice.

And be prepared for one of the worst hurts ever. And for the moments in your life to come when the first person you want to call is your Mum. The split second in the morning when you wake and her absence is not real. For the time you're sitting on the bus or walking down the street and a waft of her perfume from a passer-by has you in tears before you even realise. The vivid conversations in dreams that feel so real. Though time heals, your life will be punctuated with little moments when the pain is acute. Yes, it gets easier - but no matter what life achievement I have, it's always a little emptier not being able to share it with her. So share with her now. Tell her the marvelous things you and your family will achieve. Know how proud of you she is and will be.

I wish you lots of love and happiness in your future.

Its just all so tough.

thanks for your advice! i intend to heed it

john_cappa

ChewChew wrote: »

John. I really dont know what to say that can make this any easier for you. I really cant. I just hope my own experience might help you change a few things you are going to do or even just help you along the way. I really do not want to upset you.

Dont worry, Nothing you can say will upset me any more than i am and all your advice is appreciated.

ChewChew wrote: »

First things, dont bring your wedding forward if you hav no intention of. My sister was in a position where she was with her partner a long time and they were going to marry anyways and it just so happened that it was managable for her to bring it forward. Apologies if I sound condesending. far from my intention also.

I dont thinnk we will as we are not ready to get married. We are together nearly 3 years but that is a short time in reality

ChewChew wrote: »

At the time of my dads diagnosis, my sister was also pregnant. But dad got very much involved in that where he went shopping with my sister and picked out her pram and little things like thatt. My sister found out that she was having a girl and dad picked her name. So she is very special in our hearts as she has such a weird connection with dad

Thats lovely! i hope my mam is able to do something similar

ChewChew wrote: »

Yes, Dad was given 3 months and was expected to be gone by Sept 04. then with the help of medication and steroids he was given a further 3 months and he lasted till xmas which was amazing. And then after xmas he deteriorated and we were told it could be any hour, and day.

Dad actually ended up passing away on March 8th, 2005.

His Granddaughter was born on April 14th.

Although he would have loved to have met her, we truly believe he left us in order to make way for this beautiful new, healthy life.

I hope this helps comfort you in some way, and I really hope that you can make the best of the time with your mum. Because I know the last few months of my dads life were very enjoyable in some ways for us and he left us with amazing memories.

Thanks for your post and advice and i hope you and your family are ok

john_cappa

Thanks to everyone who posted. It has really helped.

All of the stories posted are sad and upsetting but also in every story is the strength and love of family in times of trouble.

Elessar

Terribly sorry for your situation. My own grandmother passed away from cancer nearly two years ago, it was a complete shock, she was fit as a fiddle and we were very close. Cancer is an absolute bastard. I don't understand why we don't have better treatments or cures for it in this day and age. It was tough but I had all her family around so that made it a lot easier, if you get me, like I didn't have the entire weight of it on my shoulders.

Good luck.

ChewChew

john_cappa wrote: »

Thanks for your post and advice and i hope you and your family are ok

We're doing really well thanks. Since dad passed away alot has changed in the last 4 years. My other sister got married and there have been 3 more grandchildren with another on its way. You should speak with the palliative care team that your mum is under. They are extremely helpful and caring!

pepsi1234

Hi John,

Just to let you know, there are similar people out there. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a year to live, and that was a few months ago.
I'm only 23 and have given up my job to care for her while she is not in hospital. She is extremely underweight and I am dreading the day she dies because my grandfather died of the same and I was with him when he died.

All the best.....and you will get through this.

samhradh

hi john cappa
we had my mam at home too for as long as possible. she was diagnosed in june 4 years ago and given 6mnts when we pushed doctors for time frame. at that stage she was not able get out of bed, had be helped walking down hall. doctors said this is best we could hope for. brought her home beginning july, by august with getting treatment one would not recognise woman, like she had too much energy, up baking in middle of night,
guess what im trying to say is dont focus on how much time, make most of time now. you can and should only try deal with today.
as another poster said pallitative team fantastic, get them on board from beginning. we got special bed from health board you could move up and down. was great help. i know its hard see positives but so many people are taken in a second in accidents. for me mams last nine months helped me deal so much with grief after.
i remember dreading my mam coming home thought id never be able hold it together, it was so much easier when she did come home. dont be afraid to ask for help too though, we made mistake of trying to do it all on our own too much for a little while..