Am I asking too much

LegacyUser

okay going unregiustered for this. try keep this short. moved in with gf about a month ago, all is going well enough. the only problem is lately (last few days) i feel a bit unloved/unappreciated.

we had a bit of a fight the sat before last during seperate nights out, she ended up screaming at me on the phone. didnt like this behaviour, talked to her about it next day. she apologised and i said okay not to worry.

anyway moving on - she is in a minor car crash last week, she is crying, i leave work, rush out to her, everything is okay. spend the nite comforting her along with her family. she says thanks. grand. so im getting up now 3 times a week an hour and half early to drop her to work and collect her later in the evening (round 9). bit of a pain but i do it. i lent her my car yesterday and cycled to work so i could get a lie on. anyway i happily do all this once i feel its properly appreciated.

she hurt and cut her leg badly this week, rings me in work, im busy but take it. she starts crying, i try to comfort her but she is breaking up and it didnt go too well. anyway she texts me on way home to get plasters etc. i do. i get home, try be nice to her. i say i wish she wouldnt cry on the phone when im in work as unfortunately i cant help and it makes me feel worse. she takes this up wrong, and we end up fighting.

anyway moral of the story is i really dont think she is showing me enough affection. she says thanks like you do to a shopkeeper giving you back change. when she does stuff like that for me i treat her (its not about money) or make her feel really important. like i had hard time in work for week a while ago and bought her a designer handbag to say thanks.

I think its just a total affection thing thats getting to me. i buy her lots, take her out for dinner loads, write her love letters, but her flowers. i was feeling low bout the 2 fights last nite and how much im doing for her and how she doesnt seem to notice (like i did all teh washing and cleaned the house last night and she said nothing). anyway it got me thinking and i realised apart from my birthday she has never taken me out for dinner. and apart from that and xmas she has never bought me anything - not a cd, not a book. she even broke my sunglasses and i bought myself new ones. i always take her away at the weekend too or buty her things for no reason. is it unreasonable to expect a few small presents in return. like just to say i love you - and not because of an ocassion.she has a well paid job (just slightly less than myself), she does offer to pay half on most things but i generally end up treating her to meals out etc she never repays the compliment.

anyway money aside, i dont want to sound like a spoilt brat, and the rest of our relationship is good but i just dont get why she makes little deal out of all i try to do for her. i just mean is it too much to ask for her to cook me a nice dinner or something. all my other previois gf's have done stuff like taht to show they love and appreciate me.

reading my post im not sure it comes across right, but i guess im asking am i being spoilt/unreasonable to want her to do something out of the blue/out of the ordinary rather than just going along as normal and buying a present when needed (ocassions) and simply saying thanks rather than making a big deal of me. i think we think differently about what consitutes love and affection. surely the surprise/special little doing something means a lot.


i dont know im confused about what im trying to say really but i know how i feel and i know it bothers me that she is just prepared to go through the motions of everyday life and routine.

Kimia

Hi OP

I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect some affection from your girlfriend.

It sounds like she sees you as her protector, her rock, the one she goes to when things go wrong (however small) and that's lovely. But maybe she's forgetting that you have a sensitive side too and sometimes you want to be nurtured and looked after.

Talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and love looking after her and making sure she feels loved, but that you would really appreciate if she remembered that you want to feel loved and looked after sometimes too!

LegacyUser

OP her,

the other thing i meant to say is is it kind of self defeating saying it to her? she feel obliged to make a big effort.

i should also say she is the girl of my dreams and i thought id want to spend my life with her, she is extremely nice to me and good in almost every other respect. i just feel she could do with making a little more effort to do a nice thing or 2 for me off her own back.

this semi came up before when after organising a few nice weekend in a row for her (a weekend away, a romantic night in, a romantic dinner the week after etc) i made a point of persistently asking her what she wanted to do the next weekend. she just said whatever you want... then said teh cinema would be good. nothing wrong with that but would be great if she organised a nite away or a dinner. i actually made such a big deal thanking her when it was my birthday cause she was so nice to me brought me out, made me feel special etc. id just like a little more of that.

Kimia

It's not self-defeating because if she loves to she'll want to make the effort for you!

Also, if the situations were reversed and you were a girl, a lot of people would say why not stop making all the effort? Just stop for a while and see what happens? She may step up and realise that all your romantic situations have been organised by you, and then she may see that she needs to put more effort it.

Tell her how you feel in a calm way - just that you would feel so appreciated if she would make the effort sometimes. Then sit back and see what she does.

b3t4

Unregistered wrote: »

the other thing i meant to say is is it kind of self defeating saying it to her? she feel obliged to make a big effort.

She's not a mind reader and playing games to get her to try and guess that you're pissed off ain't going to work. All it'll do is build up resentment on your side and you'll explode over something else which has nothing to do with what you're really upset with her about.

Here's the thing, from what you say here, she's always been like this. Everyone has a different way of doing things. You bring her on weekends away, out for dinner and all the rest but that might not be her way of showing her appreciation.

All you really need to do is say to her "I'm feeling unappreciated at the moment" and let the conversation go from there.

LegacyUser

You sound like a decent bloke whos very thoughtful and considerate. But youre not gonna like what I have to say here........youre trying too hard and giving too much. I short you need to take a step back. Youre doing all the work and its gotten to the point where its no longer a 50/50 situation, more like 90/10(you giving the 90%). You have to stop doing so much for her. You've allowed this to go on and you will only find out why you have when you let go and stop doing so much for her. Youre trying to control how she feels about you by doing things for her. Yes its natural to want to do stuff for people you care about but theres a line and for whatever reasons youve crossed that line by thinking the more you do for this person the more she'll appreciate you. Unfortunately thats not true. Im not talking about playing silly little emotional games with her, trying to manipulate her into giving you what you want, Im talking about listening to yourself and using that to judge how much you give and how much you hold back. Because there is a voice or a feeling inside of you thats telling you whats right and wrong in this situation, I mean you wouldnt be posting on here otherwise. That feeling is telling you that things are not 50/50 between the two of you. Obviously youre not happy with the way things stand and you could say something to her but it wouldnt do any good, not in the long term anyway. She'd maybe reciprocate what you do for her for a few weeks but slowly and surely she'd revert to type and youd be right back were you started. So the answer doesnt lie within her and her actions and trying to get her to do what you would like her to do, all the answers lie within you.
Essentially youre trying to get her to give you something she cant give, something that only you can give to yourself. What you are looking for, only you can know and the only way to find out is to let go. Stop chasing her and giving her things and being her prsonal assistant. If you do this you'll feel some discomfort, you'll feel an urge to revert to your old ways and chase after her and try to please her. But you have to resist that urge because only then will you find out once and for all why you give her so much and try so hard. Its like people with addictions, they must first stop the behaviour and once they do they find out whats really behind their actions. and when you find out what drives a behaviour you're well on your way to stopping that behaviour.
I hope that makes sense? Sorry if it doesnt, its kind of a difficult concept to explain. Bottom line is stop chasing her and trying to get her to reciprocate the things you do for her. It wont work, you'll just get more and more frustrated. Take a step back because only then will you find your answers. Let go.

Terodil

OP, you're not asking too much. In fact, I think your outlook on life and what matters is just right. I totally agree with you that it's the little things that matter, the things that come unprompted, the things that show that the other person cares about you. And if it is a wildflower picked somewhere on the way home... that's the sort of thing that keeps me going, and you too, apparently.

Explain this to her, perhaps she doesn't realise this. Perhaps she thinks that grand birthday presents are the way to show affection.

Have a nice, quiet, non-accusatory talk and see where you end up.

In the long run, of course, you'll have to think about what is really important to you. If she is not willing to / cannot change, but you need this to live, then maybe you need to find somebody else who shares your outlook on life.

Puddleduck

Hi OP,

Maybe youre doing too much. We all like to be treated now and then but if you make a big deal over her all the time it can become expected. Talk to her and ask her would she like to return the favour for you sometimes. She isnt a mind reader and if she hasnt done things off her own bat up to now, she probably wont start.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Going to talk to her later. if anyone else has any more thoughts please feel free to share. the more opinions the better

thanks

VaioCruiser

I have dated girls like this.

I eventually gave up on each of them - I knew it would never change and I couldn't envisage a long term relationship without real affection and warmth and not just the negative all the time.

I can only suggest one course of action .... and it's not good ..


All the best.

Cleopatra12

OP, Some people just have a tendancy to be givers and some takers, but sometimes there is areason behind all of the 'giving'..they give so much cos they are looking for the approval/validation/love from thier OH. No matter how much you give, you will not get it back. Watched my mother give for years and it was a waste of time.

Those who are takers never tend to change. BUt perhaps your OH is not one, but has become accustomed to you doing everything for her, that she depends on you now to make all of the decisions. I think a good chat about it, in a calm manner, will do the world of good.

LegacyUser

OP her,

thanks for all the advice. talked to her in a calm and adult manner last night. she took it well, apologised, said she would make more of an effort. she also explained taht she knows she is bit spoilt as the youngest in her family and has always had things done for her. said she would make a conscious effort to change and think about me more. cant ask for much more so pretty much a result. also said she was thinkin about doing stuff but gets nervous and embarrassed and worried i wont like it. anyway we ll se how it goes. thanks all

VaioCruiser

Good move OP.

But you need to keep on it - don't sell yourself short because, as Cleopatra12 says above, takers tend to remain takers and if she slips back into old habits you need to make sure it's temporary or you coudl be in for a long struggle.

All the best