Sick of boyfriends family, what can I do?

JaneAir

my boyfriend and I are together 3yrs. We have a small baby. We were not together long before deciding to get pregnant.We were very happy and inlove. Unfortunately a few months in2 my pregnancy my bf's brother& gf& 2kids came to live here in ireland(from Poland). They had a bad situation in their own country financially and she was pregnant again(they have 4 more kids with ex partners that they left behind)they are in their 30's.I naivelly thouhgt we could help them find work /better life etc(I had only met them briefly once before.)
The thing is my "brother-in-law" is a useless lazy ****. He is incapable of keeping any job, has never looked for any work or done anything to help himself , gf or kids. They expect us to help them with everything.(What my bf's parents did in Poland) She has a partime job and is good with the kids but he is a total tosser and does zero. I am so sick of them being a burden to us. I feel so sorry for the kids and am often bringing them to do fun things as they hav no care from their dad and mother is running to work and keeping a home.He is on computer all day chatting etc&drawing the dole. I just want them to go away. I have nothing in common with them. They are not bad people. But she is downtrodden. And He cant speak 2words of english(2years on despite lots of classes).I have done everthing I can to help but im just sick of helping them .for what?They resent that we have more than them in every way despite being younger.My bf says its his only brother and he cant turn his back on him. I feel Emotionally blackmailed,i alwyas end up helping them whatever happens becoz i think of the kids and feel bad that they will suffer etc.HELP!

Das Kitty

In what ways are you helping them? Financially, helping them with doing things or both.

If it's financially you really need to put your foot down. Not giving them cash is not the same as turning your back on them. You have your own child to raise you don't need another 5 living off you!

If it's helping them in other ways let your boyfriend do it. It's obviously stressing you out.

Moomoo1

From the sound of things I would imagine the OP's bf would insist on helping them out financially no matter what.

I mean the problem is just the brother isn't it, the rest of that family is ok?

jy

JaneAir wrote: »

my boyfriend and I are together 3yrs. We have a small baby. We were not together long before deciding to get pregnant.We were very happy and inlove. Unfortunately a few months in2 my pregnancy my bf's brother& gf& 2kids came to live here in ireland(from Poland). They had a bad situation in their own country financially and she was pregnant again(they have 4 more kids with ex partners that they left behind)they are in their 30's.I naivelly thouhgt we could help them find work /better life etc(I had only met them briefly once before.)
The thing is my "brother-in-law" is a useless lazy ****. He is incapable of keeping any job, has never looked for any work or done anything to help himself , gf or kids. They expect us to help them with everything.(What my bf's parents did in Poland) She has a partime job and is good with the kids but he is a total tosser and does zero. I am so sick of them being a burden to us. I feel so sorry for the kids and am often bringing them to do fun things as they hav no care from their dad and mother is running to work and keeping a home.He is on computer all day chatting etc&drawing the dole. I just want them to go away. I have nothing in common with them. They are not bad people. But she is downtrodden. And He cant speak 2words of english(2years on despite lots of classes).I have done everthing I can to help but im just sick of helping them .for what?They resent that we have more than them in every way despite being younger.My bf says its his only brother and he cant turn his back on him. I feel Emotionally blackmailed,i alwyas end up helping them whatever happens becoz i think of the kids and feel bad that they will suffer etc.HELP!

Not to question the validity of this post, but I have two question for you

1. How is he claiming the dole if he has never worked in Ireland before? You cant just come into this country and start drawing the dole, even if you do have a work permit? Honestly I have a polish friend who would love to draw the dole now

2. Are you aware that most polish people have fluent English by a young age, how can this guy not speak English?

Moomoo1

to no. 2: he might have studied French or German in school instead of English

LegacyUser

how can he be getting the dole?

LegacyUser

I am so sorry for you to be in the position. In answer to the other posts queries if a Polish person is in their 30s it is more likely they studied Russian and not English, as English wasn't the chosen foreign language of choice then. However, again it is indicative of him as a person, laziness is the only reason he doesn't speak English (why would he as his brother and wife will do all the translating for him). However, and this is my experience (been involved with a Polish person) I can honestly say your BF's brother's behaviour is nothing new, I know loads of examples of this behaviour exhibited, bumming around/waster/resentful of someone's fortune but unwilling to change their life to better themselves. Unfortunately his behaviour won't change until your BF takes him to task (unlikely). They are here to stay, unfortunately, as there is no way he will go back to Poland when he is getting the Dole here, that is for certain. It could mean down the line that you might have to relocate etc to get a bit of distance/breathing space from them.

drdeadlift

jy wrote: »

Not to question the validity of this post, but I have two question for you

1. How is he claiming the dole if he has never worked in Ireland before? You cant just come into this country and start drawing the dole, even if you do have a work permit? Honestly I have a polish friend who would love to draw the dole now

2. Are you aware that most polish people have fluent English by a young age, how can this guy not speak English?

I know lots of polish people,most can speak english fine but there are still a few whos vocab is 3 words.

VaioCruiser

jy wrote: »

2. Are you aware that most polish people have fluent English by a young age, how can this guy not speak English?

Only for younger Polish people. Having spent several months there over the last 2 years, and having friends who teach English there - most people older than about 25 or 30 have far worse, elementary, English than the younger generation who are much better.

Also having met several classes of theirs in 2008 who were 17 years old - they were far from being fluent. Even the best of them were moderately good.

All the best.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP...

When it comes to in laws - it is 100% your partners responsibility to deal with the situation and your responsibility to deal with your partner.

Polish people are very family orientated and loyal. So you need to find a way to communicate with your partner on this. I would advise trying to tone down the stress and the irritation for a period and then sitting him down and laying it all out for him. How you feel, the facts of the situation and tell him that this is all too much for you and you cannot stand it any more and he simply MUST tackle the situation like a man who has a family of his own to look after. he has to start putting you and the baby first.

All the best

Moomoo1

I don't think the OP has a problem with her bf supporting his brother's family, only with her having to play such a big role in that.

jy

but nobody answered question 1.

Buffy the bitch

jy wrote: »

but nobody answered question 1.

AFAIK They don't have to work two years before they can get money. They have to work two years before they can get Jobseekers Benefit but people who just come to Ireland can get Jobseekers Allowance.

All this talk of Immigrants not getting money is crap!!

herya

OP you should really talk to your OH about him coming down on his brother more, for the sake of his wife and kids if nothing else, they're family as well.

Tell him how you see it - that it's his wife and your OH who bear the brunt and that the man is nor responsible for his family at all. It's a shame that he does not make any effort to learn the language in two years! Unfortunately the best language training is at work when you talk to actual people about actual tasks so he should be kicked out to work for this reason alone. If he's not worked here he wouldn't be able to get the JB and only very meager JA (if at all) so he's a full time leech feeding on his wife and brother.

I am Polish myself and I can see where your OH is coming from, it's very generous to help his family settle in a new place. But his brother wasted this chance and needs some tough love now to be whipped into shape. No cultural difference there...

Some practical tips:
- Would he qualify for any of those basic FAS jobs organised for people returning to workforce? He should if he gets any form of welfare.
- Can you ask around and try to find him some low level job as a kitchen porter or pub help where his language will not be that much of a problem? I presume that he won't look for a job on his own but if your OH and you hand him one on a plate he'll have it hard to refuse (and it might open your OH's eyes anyway).

You can tell your OH that you disapprove of his brother's attitude - not of his whole family though, just him - so you're happy to meet and spend time with his wife and kids (socialising as in any normal family) but you object to him receiving any money from your OH, if you have a shared budget. He can buy the kids gifts from time to time but not fund him.

JaneAir

he worked for 4mths at first and now claims on his Polish stamps from previous work there.
Nowadays teenagers in Poland have English classes in school but he didnt(he left early anyway) Its laziness and nothing else. I have spent 4weeks in Poland and I speak more Polish than he does english. Even when I speak to him in Polish all I get is monosylabic answers so I have no repour with him at all.Obviously he has low self confidence (yet acts like a hard man). I guess Im angry wt my partner too for not explaining b4 he came how bad he was. Now im stuck wt this loser in my life,4ever!!.Plus I have to be polite and kind to him.

kmick

Do they live with you OP? If so it may be time for you to move on and leave them to their own devices? Is your OH giving them money?

VaioCruiser

JaneAir wrote: »

I guess Im angry wt my partner too for not explaining b4 he came how bad he was.

Yes. But the advice above is really good for ideas on dealing with it now.

Now im stuck wt this loser in my life,4ever!!.Plus I have to be polite and kind to him.

If the situation is turned around - he may change quite a lot - so don't be completely convinced yet. Good things can happen

All the best

spongeman

I was in a similar situation with my foreign bro-in-law, and I can tell you now people do not change.

Neither me nor the mrs talk to him anymore, sad but after 6 years it was time to move on.

You either have a bit of spark in ya or you d'ont.