Rough patch

LegacyUser

Just a quick question..

I know that most relationships go through bad patches every so often. But how do you feel when you're in the middle of one? Do you just recognise it for what it is and not worry or do you feel as though its over?

I ask this because me and my bf of seven months are fighting alot lately (over the last two weeks), not talking as much as we used to. I talked to my friend about it and she said most likely it's just a rough patch because we've been happy before this. But at the same time sometimes I can't see us getting through it and when I'm alone at night i contemplate breaking up with him..? During the day I can say, no it's just a normal phase..but i can't help my feelings by myself at night.

I don't know because what we had before this was really good and don't want to lose it all from a rash decision, I suppose what I'm asking is how do you know - 1.when its over? and 2. when it really is just a bad time, but there's still something there worth it?

(May be obvious..but this is my first proper relationship, so go easy please!) x

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.... there is no hard and fast rule.. How can there be ... it depends on the reasons for the bickering.
Why are you fighting ? what has changed ? jobs ? health ? relationships ? family ? Nothing ?

You need to figure out the reasons why this is happening, to make it worth while staying. A few weeks is not too long to wait, especially if you are busy. But if it drags on past that and you haven't discovered the reasons, then maybe it has just run it's course....

All the best

Faith

It's tough to say. How do you feel when you think about breaking up with him? Any time my boyfriend and I go through a rocky patch, the thought inevitably crosses my mind that maybe I should finish it - but even contemplating it makes me feel sick, so it's not something I'd ever act on while I felt like that.

I guess if I started to think of breaking up with someone as a genuinely good idea, I'd take it as a serious warning sign. This is my first serious relationship too, and I think sometimes it can be a little easy to jump to conclusions. You've no previous relationships to look back on so you can say "Oh, this is normal". There's still something there if you still enjoy spending time with him, if you still love him, if you don't want to break up. You might just be getting scared because it's serious now, and you're getting more and more invested in the relationship. Give it some more time, and talk to your boyfriend about it. See how he feels about the situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Why are we fighting? It's hard to say. It's been going on for a little while (bickering for no reason etc.) What brought these recent feelings on me, is that last week he forgot we were supposed to meet up and made other plans he couldn't get out of. If this was a complete once off I'd be more forgiving, but I always have to remind him about stuff like this. It makes me doubt how much he listens to me, and I suppose cares about me.. he's very vocal about how he feels, tells me he loves me all the time, but his actions say different sometimes? When we realised he'd forgotten I didn't go mental or anything (not my style!) I just explained it hurt me and I was disappointed and he apologised. Despite this he's done a few other things in the last week alone that add to this.. not intentionally, but he doesn't think before he acts maybe..

How do I feel when i think about breaking up with him? Sad, scared, sick. I do love him, we have such a laugh together, he's very caring and affectionate. But at the same time, recently, there's something niggling at me which makes me not know if it's right anymore.. I might just give it time. I need to talk to him about the above things that are bothering me and see what happens I suppose. We just havn't had any of those 'good times' in a while.

Das Kitty

It's hard to answer because I'm not you.

However the first rough patch I hit with my OH I really thought we were through. The rosy garden stage is short lived really, everyone has to get to the stage that they start having differences and arguing, it's natural progression really, you can't be with someone long term and not fall out from time to time.

The first rough patch is usually the first make or break of a relationship. If you do make it though this, your relationship will be stronger as a result. If you both really want it to work and are willing to communicate you can make it through.

Kimia

Hey OP. You just need to set boundaries with him - what you will and will not accept. Simple as. If he knows them, and breaks them, you know what you do.

For example - you tell him it's not acceptable to break plans at the last minute or 'forget' that you were going to meet. Tell him very clearly that you really don't want to bother with someone who doesn't have the respect for you to remember when he's meeting you. What he does after that is his choice and you'll see where you stand then.

And yes every relationship goes through a rough patch. It sounds like you guys get on great and you're just hitting 'serious' mode where you find out how far you'll push each other and what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship.

Have a frank talk. Lay it all out. Be sure of what you want from this relationship and be honest with him. Yes you like him and you have a laugh but his actions are a bit selfish at the moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the advice here.

I know nobody can solve the problem for me, in the end it's what I feel that will come through. But you have all made it less confusing.

It's made me see things a bit clearer. I'll have a chat with him tomorrow, and just talk about the stuff that's been going on in the last while, and like Kimia said work together to set some boundaries for us.. Hopefully it will all work out well.

VaioCruiser

Good luck OP. I agree with the chat thing.

Do remember however that sometimes rough patches are not patches ... but signs that the magic was temporary and fading. Sometimes people stay together hoping that it will come back .. and sometimes it just doesn't.

All the best !

LegacyUser

Well I met up with him yesterday and we talked. It was great to get the things that had been on my mind out there! He said he was sorry for upsetting me, and we worked out some things for the future. Had an absolutely brilliant evening after that, went for a walk and spent the evening sitting on the beach just the two of us (..skimming stones like big kids lol). Probably the most romantic thing we've done since we first started going out!

Anyway it really gave me back the faith i had sort of lost in the relationship in the last few weeks and I feel genuinely happy again (amazing how something so simple can do that!) We decided to make sure we get quality alone time like that more often and to talk more when things are getting to us. Hopefully this has made us a bit stronger

Thank you for all the advice I got here, it really made my head clearer and stopped me making a stupid decision x

Kimia

That's great news OP! A little talk goes a long way. Communication is so important so remember, never ever stop talking to each other about your feelings. x

shellyboo

Oh yay, what a lovely post Sounds like you've got a keeper there OP, good luck!