BBQ Rules!

P.C.

I have been meaning to put these up for a while, some of them do not translate very well.


HIER VOLG DIE AMPTELIKE BRAAIREELS.

Here are the official ‘BBQ’ rules.

EK HET HULLE SPESIAAL VIR JULLE OPGESTEL EN DAAR WORD NIE VAN DIT AFGEWYK NIE, NOOIT NIE. KLAAR!!!

I have established these rules specially for you, and you are not allowed to deviate from them, ever!

REELS VIR BRAAI
BBQ Rules

1) Doen so bietjie moeite met jou aankoop van jou vleis. 'n Braai is mos 'n ernstige ding so benader jou aankope ook so. In die ou dae was jou slagter amper familie. Jy het hom immers meer gesien as jou dokter. Deesdae is dinge soveel makliker en onpersoonlik. Rakke het gesigte vervang met die gevolg dat die jonger geslag onbekend geraak het oor wat nou eintlik goeie vleis is. As 'n ding goed verpak is dan lyk hy gaaf genoeg om te braai. Kak! So, as jy nie vleis ken nie, vra jou slagter! Pick 'n Pay se vleis is kak. Klaar!

Go to a bit of effort with the meat. A BBQ is a serious thing, so treat your meat purchase with respect. In the old days your local butcher was almost family, you would see him more often than you saw your doctor. These days things are much easier and impersonal. Shelves have replaced faces, with the results that the younger generation have become unfamiliar with what good meat actually is. If something is well packaged, then it looks good enough to BBQ. BS! So, if you do not know anything about meat, ask your butcher. Tesco meat is sh1t. End of story!

2) Dikker snitte vir braai! Klaar!

Thicker cuts of meat are needed for a BBQ.

3) Steaks is medium-rare to medium. Klaar! As jy van jou vleis 'well-done to fecked-up' hou, gebruik 'n blow torch en hou jou vleis van 'n braaier af. Hardloop dan sommer in 'n muur vas. Herhaaldelik!

A Steak must be medium-rare to medium. If you like your steak well done, use a blow torch and keep your meat away from the person in charge of the BBQ. Then run into a brick wall – repeatedly!


4) Rare is nie eetbaar nie! As jy een van die braafstes is wat jou steak so eet, kry vir jou. Moenie dink jy gaan lekker slaap en die wol scooter dalk opstart later vanaand nie. Rou vleis laat homself nie sommer net verteer nie.

Rare meat is not edible. If you are the type of BBQers who likes your meat like this, keep it to yourself. Don’t think that you will sleep well, and have pleasant dreams later tonight. Raw meat does not allow itself to just digest.


5) 'n Steak sonder 'n vetjie is nie 'n steak nie. Klaar! Fillet uitgesluit.

A steak without a bit of fat is not a steak – excluding Fillet.

6) Tenderised steak hoort op die kerkbasaar se steakrolls.. Nie op my vuur nie! Klaar!
Tenderised steak belongs on a church bazaar’s steak roll. Not on my BBQ.

7) Wors moet nog kan buig as hy afkom. Klaar!

Sausage must still be able to bend when you take it off the BBQ.

8) As jy nie kan braai nie, moenie! Klaar!

If you do not know how to make a BBQ, don’t!

9) As jy een van daai wetters is wat glo mens braai steak op 'n plaat, vra die ou wat langs jou staan om jou hard te bliksem! Sommer nou!

If you are one of those people who think that you need to bbq a steak on a hot plate, ask the guy who is standing next to you to hit you hard, now!
10) Meer as 1 slaai vir 'n braai is mors. Klaar!

More than one salad per bbq is a waist.

11) Daar word gebraai waneer die vuur reg is. Klaar!

You cook the meat when the coals are ready.

12) Uitpass voor die ete is uit soos boknaai! Klaar!

Passing out (from consuming too much alcohol) before the food is ready is not allowed!

13) As jy een van daai fokkers is wat krap in 'n ander man se braai, volg reel 9. Sommer nou!

If you are one of those people who like to get involved in someone else’s bbq, see rule 9. Now!

14) As jy self jou vleis wil braai want jy vertrou nie die braaier nie of is net doodeenvoudig vol kak, praat voor die tyd of shut up! Klaar!

If you are one of those people who wants to bbq their own meat, because you do not trust the person bbqing the meat, or you are just full of sh.t, speak up early or shut up.

15) As jy 'n ander persoon die braaireg gee by jou huis (verwys na reel 8) swaai hy die septer. Klaar!

If you give someone else the bbq to do at your house (see rule 8), then he is in charge.

16) Fillet word nooit, maar nooit heel gebraai nie! Butterfly cuts alleenlik! Klaar!

A fillet is never cooked whole. Butterfly cuts only!

17) Sout word alleenlik en ALLEENLIK aan tafel opgegooi! Jy braai nie met sout nie! Klaar!

Salt is put on at the table ONLY! You do not use salt for a bbq!

18) As jy met hout wil vuurmaak, koop ordentlike hout. Gebruik slegs hout as daar genoeg vuuraanstekers is want om die ding aan die go te kry kos hitte. Baie. Die rook van die gesukkel is 'n steurnis. 'Smokey Robinson' word nie hier geduld nie. Klaar!

If you are going to use wood to make coals, get decent wood. If you are using wood, make sure that you have enough fire lighters, because it takes a bit of heat to get a fire going. The smoke from a struggling fire is not pleasant. ‘Smokey Robinson’ will not be tolerated here.

19) Daar is nie 'n ding soos 'n te warm vuur nie. Klaar!

There is no such thing as the coals being too hot to BBQ.

20) As jy die braaier is en nie 'n ordentlike vuur kan maak nie, lieg jy. Volg reel 9. Sommer nou!

If you are in charge of the BBQ, but don’t know how to make a proper fire, then you have lied. Follow rule 9 – right now!

21) Komplimenteer die braaier as die vleis gaaf is. Indien nie, sê so! Hoe de fok moet hy leer? Volg dan reel 9 op hom.

Compiment the ‘chef’ if the meat is good. If it is not, tell him. How is he supposed to learn? Then apply rule 9 to him.

22) Papierborde is cool solank dit in een of ander versterking is.

Paper plates are only cool if there are in a holder.

23) Hou jou stompies uit 'n braaivuur uit! Klaar! Jou kak gewoonte moet nie my braai kom opfok nie!

Keep your cigarette buts out of the fire. Don’t mess up my bbq with your bad habits.

24) Tydens rugby steek jy die vuur halftyd op. Klaar!

During a rugby game, you start the fire at half time.

25) Hoender word met die hand geeet. Tjops ook. Steak en wors, met 'n mes en vurk. Klaar!

You eat chicken with your hands, and chops. You eat steak and sausage with a knife and fork.

26) As jy die pap saam met 'n braai met melk en suiker vreet, skreeu jy seker vir die SHARKS! Vra almal by die braai om vir jou eetgewoontes te bid en volg dan reël 9.

If you eat ‘pap’ at a bbq, with milk and sugar, then you have a problem. Ask everyone to pray for you, and then follow rule 9.

27) Politiek, die petrolprys en baba praatjies is uit om 'n braaivleisvuur. Rugby, jag, visvang, 4x4 bakkies en die buurvrou se tan lyne is die norm. Klaar!

Politics, the price of petrol and baby talk is not fit conversation around a bbq. Rugby, hunting, fishing, cars and the next door neighbour’s cleavage are good topics of conversation.

28) En laastens die heel belangrikste reel van 'n braai....'n braai is nie 'n braai sonder 'n braaibroodjie nie!!!

Lastly, and an important rule - a bbq is not a bbq without proper bread!

juke

P.C.,
Good work!

Now, I must confess to reading them after waking up, so I'm feeling a bit like the living dead this evening. Anyway, I read rule 1 twice and read that one had to "shave" before BBQ'ing. I know sleep induced mania......

But that got me thinking.......should that also be a rule. In order to fully respect and appreciate a BBQ the mens must shave first???

Please please say yes
Then I could quote the rules more often, rather than appear to be a nagging wimmins!

(oh and we'd probably have a BBQ evey other day too;))

the_syco

P.C. wrote: »

If you eat ‘pap’ at a bbq, with milk and sugar, then you have a problem. Ask everyone to pray for you, and then follow rule 9.

What is this "pap"?

P.C.

the_syco wrote: »

What is this "pap"?

Pap is a maze (mielie) based porridge whick you can cook in a three leg cast iron pot.

I am not a fan of it, but some people swear by it.
If you are ever at a BBQ where it is offered to you - do not eat it with milk and sugar. You are supposed to pour gravy over it.

In a way it is a bit like dumplings without the potato.

Blitzkrieger

I think I've had that. Does it taste like porridge that someone else has already thrown up?

trout

Blitzkrieger wrote: »

Does it taste like porridge that someone else has already thrown up?

All porridge tastes like that ... why it's the defining characteristic of porridge.

LostinBlanch

PC I think you're missing one rule there.

Where's the one about the wimmins keeping the chef supplied with a never ending supply of cold beers?





*Providing rule 12 is still adhered to

trout

LostinBlanch wrote: »

Where's the one about the wimmins keeping the chef supplied with a never ending supply of cold beers?

This may not be, in point of fact, a BBQ specific rule, more of a general understanding kind of thing.

For example, most of the time we all obey the law of gravity ... but it is rarely stated.

P.C.

Asked

LostinBlanch wrote: »

PC I think you're missing one rule there.

Where's the one about the wimmins keeping the chef supplied with a never ending supply of cold beers?





*Providing rule 12 is still adhered to

And... Answered

trout wrote: »

This may not be, in point of fact, a BBQ specific rule, more of a general understanding kind of thing.

For example, most of the time we all obey the law of gravity ... but it is rarely stated.

Agent J

Nice.

If i ever have a BBQ again i must consult that list.

LostinBlanch

trout wrote: »

This may not be, in point of fact, a BBQ specific rule, more of a general understanding kind of thing.

Trout, you may know that and I may know that, but I'm sure some of the younger brothers mightn't. That's why I was asking where it was.

See, that's me, all heart. Thinking of others

Blitzkrieger

trout wrote: »

All porridge tastes like that ... why it's the defining characteristic of porridge.

We all know that porridge is grown on the worst ground - ground that isn't fit for anything else and isn't really fit for growing anything else. This is why porridge is really only fit for draft animals not, though they might resemble them in some ways, a brother.

While I was climbing Kilimanjaro last year we were given this crap called millet. Millet is grown on even crappier ground. On the morning of the second day we were given millet and it was the hardest thing ever to eat - even sugar didn't make it taste better. Of course we had to eat it 'cos you need the energy to climb into the ever thinning air.

Thee days later, after spending the night in the camp below the summit and having the horrible experience of having to go outside for a crap at 4am when the temperature was -20, we got millet again. By then it was like ambrosia - couldn't eat it fast enough. I shouldn't have even bothered with a bowl a spoon. A cup would have served me better.

So it's all about perspective. Though, to be honest, if you had offered me BBQ ribs instead of millet, I probably would have had that instead.....

Booswig

Most South Africans that does a BBQ know's most of that list. And, while it might be written in a humourous fasion, we are dead serious about our BBQ's.

It should however be noted that, what we call a BBQ (Braai) is different from the BBQ people know in other countried. In South Africa we refer to a BBQ when people grill meat on a open wooden coal of beds. The grill, or metal grid is placed approximately 5 - 20 cm (depending on the meat you are BBWing) on top of that open coals. So it is a direct heat.

Grilling meat on a direct heat source (with a massive tendency to flame) is almost an artform in itself. Grill chicken (or any fatty cuts of meat) on anything hot, and you end up with blackened pieces of crap, likely raw inside. And, with this blackened I do not mean cajun :P

Grilling a good piece of grass-fed steak on a "cold" or even "medium" heat is a sin, but people still do that. The meat does not caramilze on the outside, and is frequently dry... If you went and bought supermark meat, even worse so, as it most likely would also be tough.

PAP: The big think in SA. Even our different provinces love or hate it. Be best you can compare it with is the pollenta found in Italy. Yet, it is just better. Think of it as warm polenta. It is not tasting like millet (sorgum), and have an almost neutral taste (rice, pasta, etc). However, as it soaks up the juices from the meat well, it goes extremely well with meat, especially fatty meat.

In other countries I know that people, when referring to a BBQ, refers to grilling stuff in a closed box. The meat is placed inside a metal box, closed, and some sort of heat is applied. It could be wooden coals, bricqettes, gas, etc). It could be a direct (cool or medium) heat, or even an indirect source of heat, such as a smoker box next to the BBQ, connected via a duct or soemthing.

In this method where the grilling takes place inside a box, the heat comes from everywhere, not just the bottom, due to reflection of the heat. It's got it's pro and cons, and is ideally for bigger cuts of meat, such as a whole brisket, a chicken, a whole pig :P. The meat gets a more smokey taste, and even the structure is different.

Yeah ... I like my BBQ LO

para45

Booswig wrote: »

Most South Africans that does a BBQ know's most of that list. And, while it might be written in a humourous fasion, we are dead serious about our BBQ's.

It should however be noted that, what we call a BBQ (Braai) is different from the BBQ people know in other countried. In South Africa we refer to a BBQ when people grill meat on a open wooden coal of beds. The grill, or metal grid is placed approximately 5 - 20 cm (depending on the meat you are BBWing) on top of that open coals. So it is a direct heat.

Grilling meat on a direct heat source (with a massive tendency to flame) is almost an artform in itself. Grill chicken (or any fatty cuts of meat) on anything hot, and you end up with blackened pieces of crap, likely raw inside. And, with this blackened I do not mean cajun :P

Grilling a good piece of grass-fed steak on a "cold" or even "medium" heat is a sin, but people still do that. The meat does not caramilze on the outside, and is frequently dry... If you went and bought supermark meat, even worse so, as it most likely would also be tough.

PAP: The big think in SA. Even our different provinces love or hate it. Be best you can compare it with is the pollenta found in Italy. Yet, it is just better. Think of it as warm polenta. It is not tasting like millet (sorgum), and have an almost neutral taste (rice, pasta, etc). However, as it soaks up the juices from the meat well, it goes extremely well with meat, especially fatty meat.

In other countries I know that people, when referring to a BBQ, refers to grilling stuff in a closed box. The meat is placed inside a metal box, closed, and some sort of heat is applied. It could be wooden coals, bricqettes, gas, etc). It could be a direct (cool or medium) heat, or even an indirect source of heat, such as a smoker box next to the BBQ, connected via a duct or soemthing.

In this method where the grilling takes place inside a box, the heat comes from everywhere, not just the bottom, due to reflection of the heat. It's got it's pro and cons, and is ideally for bigger cuts of meat, such as a whole brisket, a chicken, a whole pig :P. The meat gets a more smokey taste, and even the structure is different.

Yeah ... I like my BBQ LO

I came upon this old post and would love to revive it as its the start of the summer.

Yes one cant explain a proper BRAAI (BBQ) to somebody that hasnt experienced it. They might think they have had BBq's before but until they experiance a Braai with pap sous , boerewors en steaks they havent experienced anything proper ((( pap tamato relish, South african sausage))) This nonsense where people invite you to their house " they have all good intentions and still treat you with great hospitality" for a BBQ here and then you get burgers that most likely would be burnt to a black mass and the grade that they cook it on still has last years fat and rust on it from the last burgers they cooked last summer isnt a BRAAI. Cant wait for this summer braaing to start . Well sorry correction I Braai alll year long but the summers in Ireland can be lovely also and its those days that I say to my self what a lekker winters day in Natal hahahahah.

All jokes aside Ireland doesnt have extremes so i braai all year long . And what really anoys me is when you have discusions with people and they say well ireland doesnt really have the weather to BBQ so thats why we never BBq or own a BBq. These are the people that would BBq maybe once a year when somebody els invited them to come and eat burnt burgers. Although the burgers are burn they still enjoy themselves and can guarantee you they tell all their mates at work on monday that they had a great bbq on the weekend becuase they did really enjoy it but imagine if they had a BRAAi. Man they wouldnt stop talking about it for weeks.

I invited a guest last year that fit into this above mentioned catogory to my house for a Braai went through a lot of effort even got personolised cut 750g TBONES each plus home made boerewors etc The fillet and sirloin on this Tbone was proportional and it was massive and nice and thick . The responce when eating it the person said . I think this isnt for me and will stick to my fillet steaks . I nearly had heart failure and could se me puching the persons lights out and had to stop myself from saying you FFFFF idiot the fillet on this TBONE is bigger than you ever had and the other side is the best sirlion you ever had . The person wasnt educated enough to realise that once side is a fillet . The other guest said well i will have this any day when you having these again and please buy me some of this the nxt time you visit that butcher

Pap and sous ---- Pap and tamatoe homemade relish can be eaten by it self and is a substancial meal. Yes its similiar to polenta like a earlier poster mentioned .

Lets start more discussions about braai and also Potjies ( Cast iron pot on three leggs or sometimes refered to as a dutch oven

Sorry iam just very passionate about BRAAI and dont mean to affend any people that arent into bbq that much but would rather want to generate more enthusiasts of BBQ

This will give you a big laugh about the passion of Braai and also the Etiquette
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq2SOmwzjUU

para45

Booswig wrote: »

Most South Africans that does a BBQ know's most of that list. And, while it might be written in a humourous fasion, we are dead serious about our BBQ's.

It should however be noted that, what we call a BBQ (Braai) is different from the BBQ people know in other countried. In South Africa we refer to a BBQ when people grill meat on a open wooden coal of beds. The grill, or metal grid is placed approximately 5 - 20 cm (depending on the meat you are BBWing) on top of that open coals. So it is a direct heat.

Grilling meat on a direct heat source (with a massive tendency to flame) is almost an artform in itself. Grill chicken (or any fatty cuts of meat) on anything hot, and you end up with blackened pieces of crap, likely raw inside. And, with this blackened I do not mean cajun :P

Grilling a good piece of grass-fed steak on a "cold" or even "medium" heat is a sin, but people still do that. The meat does not caramilze on the outside, and is frequently dry... If you went and bought supermark meat, even worse so, as it most likely would also be tough.

PAP: The big think in SA. Even our different provinces love or hate it. Be best you can compare it with is the pollenta found in Italy. Yet, it is just better. Think of it as warm polenta. It is not tasting like millet (sorgum), and have an almost neutral taste (rice, pasta, etc). However, as it soaks up the juices from the meat well, it goes extremely well with meat, especially fatty meat.

In other countries I know that people, when referring to a BBQ, refers to grilling stuff in a closed box. The meat is placed inside a metal box, closed, and some sort of heat is applied. It could be wooden coals, bricqettes, gas, etc). It could be a direct (cool or medium) heat, or even an indirect source of heat, such as a smoker box next to the BBQ, connected via a duct or soemthing.

In this method where the grilling takes place inside a box, the heat comes from everywhere, not just the bottom, due to reflection of the heat. It's got it's pro and cons, and is ideally for bigger cuts of meat, such as a whole brisket, a chicken, a whole pig :P. The meat gets a more smokey taste, and even the structure is different.

Yeah ... I like my BBQ LO

I came upon this old post and would love to revive it as its the start of the summer.

Yes one cant explain a proper BRAAI (BBQ) to somebody that hasnt experienced it. They might think they have had BBq's before but until they experiance a Braai with pap sous , boerewors en steaks they havent experienced anything proper ((( pap tamato relish, South african sausage))) This nonsense where people invite you to their house " they have all good intentions and still treat you with great hospitality" for a BBQ here and then you get burgers that most likely would be burnt to a black mass and the grade that they cook it on still has last years fat and rust on it from the last burgers they cooked last summer isnt a BRAAI. Cant wait for this summer braaing to start . Well sorry correction I Braai alll year long but the summers in Ireland can be lovely also and its those days that I say to my self what a lekker winters day in Natal hahahahah.

All jokes aside Ireland doesnt have extremes so i braai all year long . And what really anoys me is when you have discusions with people and they say well ireland doesnt really have the weather to BBQ so thats why we never BBq or own a BBq. These are the people that would BBq maybe once a year when somebody els invited them to come and eat burnt burgers. Although the burgers are burn they still enjoy themselves and can guarantee you they tell all their mates at work on monday that they had a great bbq on the weekend becuase they did really enjoy it but imagine if they had a BRAAi. Man they wouldnt stop talking about it for weeks.

I invited a guest last year that fit into this above mentioned catogory to my house for a Braai went through a lot of effort even got personolised cut 750g TBONES each plus home made boerewors etc The fillet and sirloin on this Tbone was proportional and it was massive and nice and thick . The responce when eating it the person said . I think this isnt for me and will stick to my fillet steaks . I nearly had heart failure and could se me puching the persons lights out and had to stop myself from saying you FFFFF idiot the fillet on this TBONE is bigger than you ever had and the other side is the best sirlion you ever had . The person wasnt educated enough to realise that once side is a fillet . The other guest said well i will have this any day when you having these again and please buy me some of this the nxt time you visit that butcher

Pap and sous ---- Pap and tamatoe homemade relish can be eaten by it self and is a substancial meal. Yes its similiar to polenta like a earlier poster mentioned .

Lets start more discussions about braai and also Potjies ( Cast iron pot on three leggs or sometimes refered to as a dutch oven

Sorry iam just very passionate about BRAAI and dont mean to affend any people that arent into bbq that much but would rather want to generate more enthusiasts of BBQ

This will give you a big laugh about the passion of Braai and also the Etiquette
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq2SOmwzjUU

Reindeer

Man do I miss Southern American style BBQ.

http://www.southernliving.com/travel/the-souths-best-bbq-00417000074005/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av_s_PvWXBk