Losing my boyfriend to drugs?

LegacyUser

I'm 21 and my boyfriend 22 and we've been together for 4 years. Recently ( as in the past 2 months) he has changed and its really scaring me. I should mention now that he smokes weed quite often, as I feel this could be part of the problem. He keeps trying to give it up but always ends up going back to it. The other day when we were having a bit of a serious talk he admitted that during a long spell where he did manage to give it up, that he was doing it behind my back. I don't understand this as I'm not one of those girlfriends who tries to control their boyfriend, I'm always supportive and don't act like his mother and he knows this. This is particularly hurtful as I never wanted us to have to lie to each other and, after over 4 years together, I really didn't think he was like that. Other things I think that are playing a part in it are that he lives with his mam and dad and they don't get on. His dad is depressed and it brings my boyfriend down a lot. His dad is horrible to him, he want to leave but moving out isn't an option. He has also dropped out of 2 college courses and doesn't seem to know what he wants to do.

Our relationship used to be fantastic and we have always had a very strong connection. As of late he gets angry so easily, and I am usually on the recieving end of it. When I'm hanging out with him I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. He never touches me, kisses me or seems interested in me whatsoever. He seems like he couldn't care less about me and whether or not I'm his girlfriend. He is so uninterested and always has a frightening, intimidating and stressful atmosphere about him. When I try to talk to him about it he gets angry with me, tries to make me feel like I'm making it all up, like I'm trying to start a fight with him and tries to make me feel like I'm losing my marbles. I always try to approach the subject in a calm and even symphatetic manner, but I feel like he is starting to hate me for no reason (and everyone and everything else around him, for that matter). The view on life he has is so bleak.

Watching the brilliant relationship we had dissolve is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced but I don't want to just give up on him like that. Particularly in the past week has our relationship taken a battering and I'm afraid it cannot take anymore. He used to seem so in love with me. The great boyfriend I used to have is still in there somewhere, isn't he? I will do what it takes to help him but I feel like he is dragging me down and the situation is so distressing. Im tip-toeing around him now but I have to talk about it, things have to change. He is just starting a new course that seems to suit him a lot better and he tells me that he has given up weed. What am I supposed to do? Its hard seeing me previously funny and loving boyfriend turn into a monster. I will not just break up with him because I don't want anyone else, I want him. I love him more than anything and I just wish there was something I could do... Please help.

LegacyUser

Hi, this is all too familiar to me. When I met my ex he was fantastic. We were together constantly for the first two year until we moved back to Ireland together. I met his home town friends for the first time and I realised fairly quickly that they were his old drink and drug-taking buddies. Apparently he was a regular drug user - cocaine, speed, marijuana & E - in his younger days. He only ever told me about smoking the odd joint. His personality changed overnight and behaved like he couldn't care less whether I stayed with him or not, and he didn't. He blamed everyone from his parents, his other ex's and of course me for anything that went wrong with him. He was either fired or walked out of every job he had, and it was always the bosses/co-workers problem. He spent everything we had, and didn't have on drugs and they were all he cared about. He lied constantly, and like your boyfriend, told me I was the liar or I was mad (even though I caught him out constantly with his lies). After a further two years (we were together four years) of hoping he'd change, he didn't.
From what I can read from your message you are tearing yourself up over a guy that just doesn't want to change. You are so young, there are better things out there for you. If he is going to change then he'll have to do it for himself, and maybe then there will be a future for you, but for now you should look after your own happiness.

Take care

Persiancowboy

Sorry to be so blunt but this guy is an addict and a loser and your own long-term happiness would be better served by walking away now. People like this care about nobody but themselves and where they're going to score their next hit. THey offer no future to anybody and if you stick with this guy you can be guaranteed misery, poverty and endless problems (including his anger issues).

Wagon

Persiancowboy wrote: »

Sorry to be so blunt but this guy is an addict and a loser and your own long-term happiness would be better served by walking away now. People like this care about nobody but themselves and where they're going to score their next hit. THey offer no future to anybody and if you stick with this guy you can be guaranteed misery, poverty and endless problems (including his anger issues).

Why are you painting him as some sort of Heroin addict? He isn't sticking a needle in his arm and robbing people for money to get his "next fix". He's smoking weed. It has no addictive properties to it and he's just getting a little stoned. If he turned to alcohol the problem would be a lot worse.

OP, the situation at home is what's affecting him. Parents that don't get along and a father that treats him like crap is enough to send everyone over the edge and change his mood. And he's not angry because he can't get weed, he's angry because of what's happening at home. Ask yourself this: When you talk to him about his problems, do you "encourage" him to give up weed all the time saying that he'll feel better when he does? Or do you ask how things are at home? Because i think the second question is a lot more important.

Undertow

Wagon wrote: »

Why are you painting him as some sort of Heroin addict? He isn't sticking a needle in his arm and robbing people for money to get his "next fix". He's smoking weed. It has no addictive properties to it and he's just getting a little stoned. If he turned to alcohol the problem would be a lot worse.

OP, the situation at home is what's affecting him. Parents that don't get along and a father that treats him like crap is enough to send everyone over the edge and change his mood. And he's not angry because he can't get weed, he's angry because of what's happening at home. Ask yourself this: When you talk to him about his problems, do you "encourage" him to give up weed all the time saying that he'll feel better when he does? Or do you ask how things are at home? Because i think the second question is a lot more important.

Have to say, I agree with this post 100%...

freyners

my best friend when we were in national school was one of the funniest people i ever met and was loved by everyone. I lost contact with him until a few weeks ago. Now hes one of the angriest people i've ever met. When asking around i found out he was a regular user of weed. I agree that weed doesn't have the addictive properties that herion or coke but it can still change a person. A mate of mine who works in a pysch hospital once told me that half of their patients problems were due to drugs like estacy and coke but some were also only users of "soft" drugs also.
in relation to your problem id say the problem is a mix of the drug use and the problems at home. Talk to him about the issues at home one night and see if he'll admit to them affecting him badly. Dont bring up the weed use at all.

Otis Driftwood

Wagon wrote: »

Why are you painting him as some sort of Heroin addict? He isn't sticking a needle in his arm and robbing people for money to get his "next fix". He's smoking weed. It has no addictive properties to it and he's just getting a little stoned. If he turned to alcohol the problem would be a lot worse.

There is a common misconception that weed,cannibis resin or whatever has no effects other than the obvious health implications of smoking.This is BS.

My brother is a heavy smoker,ie,at least 3 or 4 joints per day.
He is grand when he is smoking but if he quits for any period of time he is a demon,an absolute demon.
There have been nights when we were out and he would get so paranoid that people were shaping up to him or throwing him dirty looks that we had to leave the bar we were in or risk getting into a fight.

Prolonged,heavy use of hash can scramble peoples brains,they become listless,disinterested and moody.

All I can say OP is that he needs to lay off the dope,full stop.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone thanks for the replies.

Wagon wrote: »

OP, the situation at home is what's affecting him. Parents that don't get along and a father that treats him like crap is enough to send everyone over the edge and change his mood. And he's not angry because he can't get weed, he's angry because of what's happening at home. Ask yourself this: When you talk to him about his problems, do you "encourage" him to give up weed all the time saying that he'll feel better when he does? Or do you ask how things are at home? Because i think the second question is a lot more important.

Yeah I always do ask how things are at home and he always talks about it with me. He always has done so and I always listen and do what I can. We are best friends before anything else. I don't try to persuade him to give up weed, I don't try to make him do anything. All I do is talk things over with him and try to help him make sense of things and support him. I don't have a problem with weed, I smoke it the odd time myself.

I just want him to be himself again. I don't understand how he changed so suddenly. I am the only thing that has remained constant in his life in the past few years. He knows I love him and will do what it takes to help, but out of the blue he has just started directing all his anger at me. I just don't know if the guy I used to know and the relationship we had has disappeared. Its hard taking all this when I am the only one who is really there for him and who only has his best interest at heart. Can he get out of this? Is it worth sticking around to find out? I never expected the past few months to be the way they were so thinkng about what our future could be like is intimidating!...

Rb

It sounds like he's either being eaten up by what's happening at home, or he's trying to push you away as he doesn't want to be the one to end the relationship.

Nedtheshed: You have to realise your brother is in the severe minority and it probably merely accentuates pre-existing psychologic conditions, as it would do. It's easy to be biased when it's to do with a close family member so I can understand your reaction.

LegacyUser

Going on unreg for this one. In the past, I was exactly the same as your boyfriend. All of the symptoms your boyfriend is showing are exactly the same as the ones I was showing. I found it very hard to get motivated, I hated doing anything that was outside of my comfort zone, everything seemed like a chore, I thought everyone (especially my girlfriend) was moaning at me, I would snap at the slightest thing and get mood swings quite often (especially if I had no hash), I was a very good athlete and made the Irish team for my sport - and gave it up. Thats what marajuana does to you if used for prolonged periods and if its fairly heavy usage, it changes your whole perception and outlook on life and puts you in this cocoon of withdrawal if that makes sense. If you ask any counsellor (I've been to a few), they will tell you the same.

I wouldn't say that marajuana is not addictive, if you are smoking joints and using tobacco, its addictive. Its not killer addictive like heroin but it definitely has the potential to be viewed by a dependent user as "vital" or a "neccessity." If the user is not strong willed enough mentally to limit to say weekends only or once per week, then it can take over. Trust me I have friends and they go on like this and it is just weird and uncanny for me to look at them now because I have given up heavy usage (occasionally at a party I might have a spliff) , the behaviour becomes so predictable after a while.

Its a really difficult time for you now but you have to think of what is best for you. Your boyfriends situation at home is very unfortunate but with the cannabis use he is not in the frame of mind to be able to deal with anything properly. My advice to you is to sit your boyfriend down and talk to him. Before you start, tell him you are not moaning at him or trying to force him to do anything. Beforehand, write things down so you don't stray off course. Tell him all the thing you love about him. Tell him why you fell in love with him. Remember the good times - nights out, holidays away, great things you did together. Tell how safe you feel when he hugs, kisses and just holds on to you. Then explain to him how withdrawn he has become, ask him why he doesn't do any of that stuff any more and tell him you are not sure about the relationship anymore because its just not what you signed up for. Tell him you feel intimidated or threated regularly.

He needs to make a choice, quite simply - give up the hash or lose you. Hopefully he is coherent enough to make the right choice or else he just doesn't care. I had to make a choice and I made it and realised that my fiancee (was girlfriend at the time, getting married soon now - so happy endings can happen) was more important than getting stoned. I'm so happy I did.

The big thing to remember is that this is not your fault but you have to think of yourself. You are young enough to find someone new if this does not work out. If you feel scared, intimidated or afraid - get out, don't wait for this to develop into something worse. Start doing things for yourself. Start a course, join a gym, anything where you get to meet new people. Spend some time on you. Prepare yourself for him making the wrong decision (just in case) and you might have to break up. If you do break up, cut loose completely, change phone numbers and give yourself a clean break from him.

It can work out but he has to want it to. He needs to be completely honest with you. I hope it works out the way you want - Good luck.

LegacyUser

i'm a drugs worker, there is help available to him, he just needs to reach out for it

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear you are going through such a crap time OP. I used to be a very heavy weed and hash smoker, also took drugs such as e's, coke, speed...It was a huge part of my life during my 20's Don't know if i would have considered myself an addict but my whole social scene revolved around it. Anyway since i've given up i've never been happier.

Smoke seriously affects your motivation and your ability to think clearly. It completely numbed me when i was going through a difficult period in my life...probably doing the same for your bf, but it didn't help with facing up to my issues.

When i gave up everything became much clearer, my motivation came back and i finished a college course. Just wish i did it sooner!!

Maybe if you got some info, leaflets etc on the effects of smoking and show it to your bf he may be a bit more motivated to give up. If his dad suffers from depression your bf may be susceptible to it aswell and smoking is not going to help with that.

Either that or break up with him, it may give him the kick up the arse he needs!

Gman1

Ok there is clearly one answer. He is repressing his feelings. All that bottling up over the years has now reached breaking point and he is probably trying to fix it himself by using drugs. Im speaking from experience. I don't think he is angry with you although it doesn't seem like that. He is angry in general, at life and obviously over his parents relationship. Try to get him to go to counseling. Once he opens up and gets his feelings out, he will change into a better person.

Dr_Phil

Wagon wrote: »

He's smoking weed. It has no addictive properties

Does it not? I swear to God that I've been told at school that EVERYTHING that changes (not necessarily increase but decrease too) your blood pressure IS addictive. Sex, coffee, anger, adrenaline, THC, alcohol, nicotine, heroine and many, many others.

Gman1

Dr_Phil wrote: »

Does it not? I swear to God that I've been told at school that EVERYTHING that changes (not necessarily increase but decrease too) your blood pressure IS addictive. Sex, coffee, anger, adrenaline, THC, alcohol, nicotine, heroine and many, many others.

I agree 100%. I have an addictive nature. I can become addicted to anything. I have been to gambling, and even school work. Its all about your state of mind.

LegacyUser

hi OP,

i really understand where you're coming from, watched and still watching a family member try to pull out of a similar situation...the anger is the hardest to deal with. you keep asking yourself what you've done or why they're so angry...but you wont find the answer and your boyf needs to WANT to go to some counselling or at least try and talk to his parents - very often personal issues come from childhood or at least from home. marijuana use on a daily basis defo scrambles brains though...and can induce depression from what i've seen in numerous friends (and the mentioned family member)

You could try arranging a kind of blitz - speak to him yourself and suggest he goes to see a counsellor (maybe contact his college to see whats available to him for free and in confidence); then speak to a good friend of his - someone he might listen to, and suggest that the friend also asks him to consider seeing a counsellor. I'd draw the line at talking to his parents because he will definitely accuse you of ganging up on him, and if the probs he has are from home - you need to keep out of it, at least for the time being.

as for yourself lady - be nice to yourself, its not your fault, its not anything you can control. You can only be supportive for the time being and suggest things like seeing a counsellor, if you find its all too much to deal with, you can demand a break or seperation and tell your boyfriend exactly why. do not let him guilt you into staying if you dont want to. you will have to be very strong in the coming months -if you stay with him or if you break up- so good luck!!

Wagon

Dr_Phil wrote: »

Does it not? I swear to God that I've been told at school that EVERYTHING that changes (not necessarily increase but decrease too) your blood pressure IS addictive. Sex, coffee, anger, adrenaline, THC, alcohol, nicotine, heroine and many, many others.

Of course they did. It's school, they want to make sure you don't have fun in the future It's the same as when they say weed is a "gateway" drug. I don't believe that either. I've known plenty of people to smoke weed for years and never consider anything else.

Gman1 wrote: »

I agree 100%. I have an addictive nature. I can become addicted to anything. I have been to gambling, and even school work. Its all about your state of mind.

Can't blame the weed on that though.

Boskowski

Hi OP,

I can't say with certainty what the problem is with your boyfriend.

However it sounds all too familiar to me, because I used to be that distant boyfriend for someone else some years ago. I didn't cop on and I lost her and it was the most painful experience I ever had, 'cos I really, really loved her. I had family problems like your boyfriend and I smoked weed regularly and I simply wasn't able to see what a precious relationship I actually had. I was too busy being lethargic and feeling sorry for myself and doing the day-to-day weed escapism thing. I was so blind to what was going on that it was actually me who ended it while she was trying to reach out to me - although I guess it would have been only a matter of time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a very good chance there still is that nice boyfriend in him somewhere. He probably doesn't like the way he is either - but maybe he just doesn't realize what's happening to him.

You need to talk him openly. If he's more clever than me you have a chance, I hope he is.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone thanks for all the replies. Its a cliche, but it really does help to know that other people have had similar experiences...
I really want to talk to him, but I've almost given up on that because nothing really seems to get through to him. Like I said, he tries to tell me I'm mad and thinks I'm just nagging him. Most girls would have left him by now.
The same thing was happening last summer until I moved to a different country. He gave up getting stoned and told me he realised how withdrawn and pissed off he had become. We were talking everyday and he started telling me how much he really loved me and how he would never take me for granted again. After seeing the romantic and loving side of my boyfriend return, I decided to give it another chance. Things were great when I got back to Ireland...slowly but surely he went back to square one.
I'm just trying to remain positive. Lately, at the slightest hint of 'confrontation' ( as he percievesis to be) he goes on the defense straight away, no matter how nice I try to be about it.
This could go either way and I don't know how much longer Im willing to wait around and find out. Its no fun anymore, I'm fed up with it. I feel so much older than I am.