Going through gf's phone - would you?

LegacyUser

Long story made short...
Broke up with gf a while back..bad bad break up...
I had suspected she was 'carrying on' behind my back..lots of reasons why I suspected..it was also clear she was texting another guy (permanently checking her phone for messages, not leaving it lying around like she normally would, texting away at strange places and never saying who it was (she usually always said who she was texting out of politeness..me too etc etc )
Anyhow I would NEVER normally look at ANYONE'S fone but I just HAD to know so I checked her phone, read exactly what I didnt want to see ( I was gutted..) and we split up...(let's just say there was no excusing what the texts said, telling him she loved him which to me was the worst I could read..there was lots lots more to this than just texts..I knew she had been meeting him etc..)

Now my question is (cos it's been haunting me..) what would you have done?
Was I right to confirm my suspicions and go through fone or should I have left well alone ..we might even be still together now if I hadnt but in hindsight I'm glad I found out what was going on..

I suppose what Im really say (after reading the above..) is that she only really flipped when she discovered I had looked at her fone and said that texts had meant nothing - she was only joking around with him etc...and now I'm left wondering would I have been better off in blissful ignorance???
I know the answer but would love your comments :-)

narac

Unregistered wrote: »

Was I right to confirm my suspicions and go through fone or should I have left well alone ..we might even be still together now if I hadnt but in hindsight I'm glad I found out what was going on..

Yes you were absolutely right to look at her text messages.

We have grown up in a very Christian society, and we are taught that you should not commit any crime - you looking at her phone is a crime against your ex, and so you feel guilty about it.

However, you could take a leaf from Judaism, where they teach that you can (in fact, you must) commit a lesser crime to prevent a greater crime. Your ex cheating/messing around was by far the greater crime, and so you should feel absolutely vindicated in having read her messages. Also, the greater crime would have been to say nothing and allow her to keep cheating and messing around.

You did right.

Oh The Humanity

100% right.

There is being respectful of someones privacy and then there is being walked over.

In this case she aroused suspicion. You looked and caught her.

You were 100% justified.

Terodil

I'd agree with the preposter except I'd argue on a more normative, rather than religious, level.

Yeah it was wrong to go through her phone. It is a breach of trust and privacy.

Cheating is just so much worse though. Looking through a phone is child play compared to cheating. If she gets all angry at you for looking through her phone after having cheated on you (if you're certain about this), then she's being an a$$. Anybody with a shred of decency would blush and apologise or walk off, but not attack you for looking when you had reason to.

In a way you were lucky that she did actually cheat. Because if she hadn't and had found out you'd looked it might have been a dumpable offense on your part.

rhyolite

ok, i'm the heretic.

i don't think you should have read your GF's texts - simply because i think you should have walked when you honestly believed she was unfaithful.

when one person in the relationship believes the relationship - an exclusive, loving partnership - is no longer an exclusive loving partnership then that relationship is dead. trust is the 'great seal' of a relationship, its the Alpha and the Omega, when it isn't there - when you twigged that something was up - then thats the end, you don't need proof - the fundamental of the relationship is how you feel, not what you can prove.

and i know its morbid curiosity, but do you really want to know what they got up to - is it really going to make your life better by knowing that he's better in the sack than you, or that he's more interesting than you, or slimmer, or smells better?

when it doesn't feel right, it isn't - regardless of who is actually doing what to whom.

Oh The Humanity

'When the trust is gone' is a bit of a vague criteria at times.

How many times have we thought something might be up with a partner and then find out it wasn't what we thought....it would have been a mistake to cut them off without being sure just based on a 'feeling' of lost trust.

I'd need something more concrete than just a feeling. Feelings can be such a grey area.

I think there is too muc emphasis put on blind trust in relationships. Even good people are capable of sly and self serving. It would curl your hair.

If you can blatantly see that someone is making a mug of you and you seek proof I really think splitting hairs about snooping into someones phone is beside the point.

Cheating trumps snooping.

Its often the guilty that make a huge song and dance about it to divert attention away from their cheating!

VaioCruiser

I was dating a sweet sweet lady about 2 years ago, for about 18 months, and discovered she was looking through my phone. I had nothing to hide but I confronted her and she said she had a right to.

I told her we were finished and never looked back. It hurt - but I would never accept that kind of sneaky suspicious lack of trust in anyone.

I then discussed it with many friends and the consensus was that it was really bad form to invade someone's privacy like that.

I would do it again tomorrow.

All the best

LegacyUser

You dont think these things for no reason.

I was living with someone for 8 yrs and never once even dreamt of looking at his phone, until it started going everywhere with him - shower, bathroom even to answer the front door - so i confronted him and was right to, he was seeing someone else.

So i think you were dead right to have a look through her phone!

legend365

I had an ex who used to look through my phone on the sly.

The reason i knew was because the screensaver would change whenever someone had opened the phone for a minute or 2.

She wasn't very bright.

Stheno

If my bf went through my phone (it's a blackberry and password protected with a sixteen digit password), he'd find emails and texts starting "hi t", "chat to you tomorrow", "thanks for getting back to me", and "have a lovely weekend" on it from various people, usually blokes.


That aside, I'd never cheat, but I'd dump any bf who became overly interested in the contents of my emails/texts, if the trust isn't there forget it.

My phone is mine, as is my email etc, trust me or forget it is my opinion.

narac

Hey,

First of all, I want to say that I wasn't arguing on a religious basis. I'm a born and bred atheist! I was just saying that we have been raised in a Christian society, and as such we are taught from a very young age that committing any crime, no matter what the reasons, is wrong. Because of this, the OP is feeling guilt. This I believe is wrong, and in cases like the OP described, I think it's useful to look at what other societies teach. There's a lot that's less than perfect with Judaistic societies as well!

What nougatti has described is a completely different situation. There has been no change in her behaviour, and as such there would be no reason for her boyfriend to be suspicious. What the OP described was a very significant change in behaviour of his gf, which alerted him that something was up.

No, the OP was absolutely right to check his gf's phone.

Johnnnybravo

I think you were right to check it, you had a suspicion and most likely had you confronted her she would have denied, deleted the texts and made you feel like an insecure git.

You checked them you saw what you needed to see, and she mainly flipped about the phone, this is because she hadnt a leg to stand on, she knew she was caught rotten.

If you hadnt checked the phone you would still be with the girl now and her having her piece on the side. To be honest you never would have checked it unless the suspicion was there, your suspicion was proved right, end of.

LegacyUser

I think op was correct to check,

If he done it out of curiosity and she hadnt been acting weird then yeah that would be out of order, but when you have that inkling it follows ya around like a bad smell, he wouldnt of been happy till he knew the truth! its just human nature if you hear your OH having a convo that they are clearly trying to hide from you, you would evesdrop, its not the right thing to do, but the mind can play games when 'feelings' are involved!

hope single life treats ya better

rhyolite

OP,

i have to ask, what would your feelings been towards the girl have been if you'd found her inbox empty?

i somehow doubt that that you'd have instantly revoked your previous feelings that she'd been playing away from home - you'd still have been going out with a cheater, and 'known' it, so would it have made it all right if she was just better at covering it up or would you have dumped her anyway?

the_dark_side

so what are you asking? Do you really care? You caught her red handed... and you can be damn sure she was sleeping with him too. So you would have preferred that you hadnt found out, and stayed with a girl who was seeing someone else behind your back?

Ask yourself this, how long would it have been before she would have started shouting at you, treating you like ****e, avoiding your friends and family... before she would break the news to you that '....I dont think we're getting along that well anymore; no, its not you...its me, your a really great guy, and some woman will be really lucky etc etc'
She'd be over to yer man's place that evening like a fart in the wind...

Picture her having a dump... thats a great way to help getting over someone. Anytime you start to daydream about the whole sordid episode, picture her on the toilet!
Now go out and have a fling or two... lifes too short to spend it with a liar

p.s. does she have any nice looking friends or sisters? you could always start there

rhyolite

the_dark_side wrote: »

So you would have preferred that you hadnt found out, and stayed with a girl who was seeing someone else behind your back?

OP, when, for you, was the relationship on its arse: when you suspected she was cheating, or when you read her text messages - in effect, was finding 'proof' the straw that broke the camels back, or was it just tying up loose ends after you'd decided to ditch her.?

if its the former, you're just holding yourself hostage to the next cheater who'se rather better at hiding her indiscretions than this muppet.

feelings are what matter, there are, after all, the foundations of a relationship.

(ps. i don't have an ethical problem with reading other peoples texts or emails if i already think they're screwing me over, but by then they aren't my girlfriend/partner/friend anyway... precisely because i already think they're screwing me over! my point is that i think people should take more responsibilty for making decisions about their lives, rather than waiting for providence - in the form of whatever level of proof they'll accept - to make those decisions for them).

Wagon

You were right to. You don't get these suspicions over nothing.

What would you have prefered? To stay in a relationship where she was fúcking someone else behind your back?

If you aren't the kind of person who does this stuff then you can be 100% sure you were using your own intellegence and suspicions to try and work her out. If it was a case were you ALWAYS looked through her phone/emails then it would be merely paranoia and a lucky guess. but on my mind, you were going on your instincts which was a good move by you.

And if i found my girlfriend going through my messages because she thought i was cheating, i wouldnt dump her. I'd get to the bottom of why she doesn't trust me and try and fix it if we can. You don't get these suspicions over nothing so if your now ex is saying that looking through the phone is just as bad as cheating, she's only useful to point and laugh at.

So no, you didn't do the wrong thing. Give that self centered geebag a two fingered farewell and you are free to find someone who'll treat you right. It may be hard to see it like this, but this is the best solution you could have hoped for. At least now you not in a shambolic relationship, which is a lot worse than being single. Just keep the head up

Ashlinggnilsia

I don't think it was wrong at all to look through the phone you see it all depends on circumstance, like to be fair if my boyfriend checked my texts once or twice i can't say i would be bothered at all and I don't think he would mind either. Simply because we are always together so it would be fairly impossible for either of us to cheat, but mainly because well i have to admit and i don't particularly care if I get abuse for sayin this but I have looked through my boyfriends phone not for the reason you may think .... we share mutual friends and alot of the time our friends only text 1 of us when they have something to tell both of us. I havent been lookin to see if there was any texts from girls or anything but yano just general info on whats goin on at the weekend and that because he is absolutly the worst ever for tellin ya stuff like that he forgets and then tells ya at the last minute and i prefer to plan ahead. And i wouldnt care if he looked at my phone either... Neither of us have anything to hide and I think it does depend... like we dont really look at eachothers phones we have even on front of eachother. I also think it matters the extent of what your are doing like if you are checkin there phone ever day its a bit much like clearly your lookin for something or lookin at peoples e-mails and stuff cos that would kinda seem like your tryin to catch them out. We are together over five years and id say we have looked at each others phones maybe twice three times max... and its always been to just see what people are at now dont get me wrong its not a bunni boiler situation like well i cant speak for him but hes definitly not the jelous type but I dont go trawling through ever text in his bloody inbox. But just see what peples ideas are for the weekend....Again i would say the only reason it has been done is as we have the same friends, i have a few different friends to him but i would say 90% of his friends I would be friendly with aswel. Like i know some people can go a bit psycho on it where you know they are actually lookin for something, but thats not the situation with us at all. I think aswell is the fact that any of the times we have done it was on front of each other and we would say can i have a look at your phone...(one reason for that being he or i would go to some sessions without the other and there is always a few funny pics to have a stare at) I just think it all depends like if he was going checkin through my phone being all sneaky about it i spose i would wonder yano but its not at all.

LegacyUser

i don't think it's wrong to check either, i would have no problem with my partner going through my texts or me checking his at the end of the day if there is nothing to hide what's the problem!!!

rhyolite

Unregistered wrote: »

i don't think it's wrong to check either, i would have no problem with my partner going through my texts or me checking his at the end of the day if there is nothing to hide what's the problem!!!

err... because thats not what having a trusting relationship is all about?

if you need to check that they've got nothing to hide then your relationship is fcuked, you don't trust them already.

i'd go fcuking mental, what kind of shallow, worthless piece of shi*t says "i love you", lives with, has children with and makes love to, someone they don't trust?

a soon-to-be-single, pathetic excuse of human detritus with absolutely no self-respect, thats who.

Mixedup

you were dead right, anyone who says they wouldnt have checked just to be sure, is lying.

It's all well and good saying you should have walked when you knew yourself that she was acting funny, but you'd want to know for certain what was going on. Plus i know if i read on my boyfriend's fone that he was telling someone else that he loved them, then i'd be a damnside quicker getting over them and moving on.

She sounds like an awful b**** and youre well shot, lucky you read her messages.

rhyolite

Mixedup wrote: »

you were dead right, anyone who says they wouldnt have checked just to be sure, is lying.

It's all well and good saying you should have walked when you knew yourself that she was acting funny, but you'd want to know for certain what was going on. Plus i know if i read on my boyfriend's fone that he was telling someone else that he loved them, then i'd be a damnside quicker getting over them and moving on.

She sounds like an awful b**** and youre well shot, lucky you read her messages.

so, again, what would you do if you'd noticed the same behaviour but phone was empty because your OH was rather better at hiding their infidelity?

would you walk when you felt it was going wrong, or wait for 'proof' that may or may not fall into your lap or that you may or may not accept when it does?

VaioCruiser

rhyolite wrote: »

err... because thats not what having a trusting relationship is all about?

if you need to check that they've got nothing to hide then your relationship is fcuked, you don't trust them already.

i'd go fcuking mental, what kind of shallow, worthless piece of shi*t says "i love you", lives with, has children with and makes love to, someone they don't trust?

a soon-to-be-single, pathetic excuse of human detritus with absolutely no self-respect, thats who.

Absolutely right. That is the most important core issue here. When someone like that is in a 'relationship' it is not worth a damn and any partner who discovers that their partner is spying on them should end the charade and not waste their time on it.

Wagon

rhyolite wrote: »

would you walk when you felt it was going wrong, or wait for 'proof' that may or may not fall into your lap or that you may or may not accept when it does?

Because when you love someone, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You don't want to break up and end the relationship unless you are sure it's gone wrong. People can sometimes get the wrong end of the stick on situations (there's even threads on here about that). So looking for proof is perfectly okay. But according to you, he should be a f*cking psychic and just KNOW when it's time to end it. Life doesn't wok like that.

rhyolite

Wagon wrote: »

Because when you love someone, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You don't want to break up and end the relationship unless you are sure it's gone wrong. People can sometimes get the wrong end of the stick on situations (there's even threads on here about that). So looking for proof is perfectly okay. But according to you, he should be a f*cking psychic and just KNOW when it's time to end it. Life doesn't wok like that.

he should end it when he isn't happy.

if you give someone the benefit of the doubt you trust them, if you trust them you don't need to check on them.

when you no longer trust them you don't need to check on them - because you already don't believe them!

if you don't have trust you don't have a relationship, so what does it matter what they do?

Wagon

rhyolite wrote: »

he should end it when he isn't happy.

if you give someone the benefit of the doubt you trust them, if you trust them you don't need to check on them.

when you no longer trust them you don't need to check on them - because you already don't believe them!

if you don't have trust you don't have a relationship, so what does it matter what they do?

Good points but i would be thinking along he same lines as the OP. Each to their own.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here..

Lots of replies of all sorts I see...so just to clarify matters...

As I said I wouldn't EVER spy on a partner..but in this case we had had a brief split a few weeks earlier and she admitted that she had met and considered going back to her ex but decided he wasn't for her and that 'the grass was greener' etc etc

As I loved her deeply..I accepted this...however when her behavior went back to the secret texts etc..I just had to look..I hoped against hope that I was wrong but alas....

So should I have walked when things went wrong? No!! Because I was told that she had considered him but chose me...I was happy with this...stupid me....

But human nature being as it is when things took a strange twist again a few weeks later I needed to be sure that I was being taken for a fool...........and I was !!!
I could have walked without checking and be forever wondering if I was wrong and made a mistake....

Cheers all...

Silverfish

Okay since this isn't really a relationship issue and the OP was just looking for general feedback / stories, thread closed.