Stupid reason to break up?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. When we started going out first he had dreams and ambitions and was in college. Earlier this year he dropped out (so that involved doing 1.5 years of a two year course and leaving with no qualification at all). He didn't take my advice to go in and speak to the lecturers to at least save something if he wanted to do another course in the future. (He still wants to do what the course was training him for he didn't get on with his classmates and lost all confidence in his work).

For the last 5 months he has just been 'floating' around. He hasn't found a job either. I can feel my attraction to him sliding because of this. I have spoken to him about it and he said he is doing things his way. He talks about doing stuff but has yet to actually go and DO stuff. I might sound really shallow but drive/ambition etc is one of the most attractive qualities in a person for me. We're in our early 20's. He is very laid back which is good sometimes but it also seems to be the reason he never 'does' stuff. He is a great boyfriend otherwise. I just don't want his whole world revolving around me as if a guy does that it's not attractive. I've pretty much told him all the above... I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Thanks for reading.

Astrogeek

I was with a guy for six months. At the beginning he gave the impression he was planning on training to be a carpender and was about to start doing that. But after six months of him doing nothing I honestly wasn't the slightest bit attracted to him anymore.
But I never loved him. I never saw any drive to fall for.

rhyolite

hi OP,

drop him.

the relationship is being destroyed by your resentment of him and you thinking 'you dumb, lazyarse fcuk' - quite rightly in my view. its doing you no favours because he's probably no fun to be with, as well as not having the attractive qualities that drew you to him in the first place. you also aren't doing him any favours by enabling him to mope about and do fcuk all. everyday he's 'doing stuff' - or 'sat at home in his jimjams watching jeremy kyle and moaning because he's got no money and no one in his class liked him' as the rest of us call it, he becomes steadily less attractive to employers who already have a hundred CV's for every job.

i imagine that your relationship is already like walking on eggshells, you can't do anything together that might cost money, or indeed require any effort on his part, and the catchphrase of your relationship has become "its not my fault!" in a defensive, high pitched whine...

this isn't a trough, a 'sh*t happens in a relationship and we'll get over it' problem, its a spiral - particularly given the current econmic climate - and it'll just get worse for both of you, you resenting him, him resenting you and the whole world, and it'll just keep getting progessively harder for him to modify his behaviour because of the difficulty of the long-term unemployed getting back into work.

dumping him might be the kick in the arse he needs, if not then you've got out of a relationship where you'll be the only person leaving the house for the next fifty years.

LegacyUser

What does it matter to you what he does all day? He's not dependent on you for anything so what's the big deal?

You're not his Mother, he can do what he likes. For some bizarre reason, if you don't want him because he's not working and the first thing you wanna do is dump him, then he's better off without you anyway.

You're supposed to be his girlfriend - nice way of kicking him when he's down.

Go find someone else and let him live his life instead.

Moomoo1

you are going out with a person, not with a CV or a job description. So really, his employment status should be irrelevant. If he were 5 years unemployed and you wanted to have family and kids that's one thing. 5 months in a recession is nothing...

DeCoR18

Leave him OP he deserves somebody better than you. As clearly if you can't stand by him in a tough time in his life you aren't worth much.

Skapoot

He's fallen into a slump. So what. People go through times of disillusionment, doubt as to what they want for their future etc,

This year, I dropped out of college, slept in all day, didnt do much with my life. Talked about doing things but couldnt find the energy. My OH just helped me through it. With understanding and patience.

But now Im right as rain again. If you dont have the decency to support your boyfriend in one of his down times then as someone else said - he deserves someone better.

LegacyUser

Your post brings back so many bad memories for me OP. I know this is slightly different and maybe your boyfriend isn't quite as bad. I was going out with a guy for about 2 years who was always unhappy, nothing was ever right in his life, he hated his job and was always talking about wanting a trade but he never actually didn't anything about it. I talked to him about it and told him to go back to college if he wanted it that badly but it never happened. He was constantly bringing me down but I was going through so much more stuff that I didn't want to deal with a break-up too (lost a sister in a car crash while I was going out with him which he never supported me through but that's a whole other thing). So to get away from everything I went travelling for 6 months and when I came back things were the exact same with him and I realised I wasn't attracted to him any more so I finished with him for good.
My point is, a persons drive or ambition is a factor in attraction as it's a big part of someone's personality.
My advice is talk to him and if things don't change then move on, he'll bring you down and you'll resent him. That happened to me and I wasted 2 years of my life! It's horrible to regret a relationship but it's the only one I do regret!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Unregistered wrote: »

What does it matter to you what he does all day? He's not dependent on you for anything so what's the big deal?

You're not his Mother, he can do what he likes. For some bizarre reason, if you don't want him because he's not working and the first thing you wanna do is dump him, then he's better off without you anyway.

You're supposed to be his girlfriend - nice way of kicking him when he's down.

Go find someone else and let him live his life instead.

It's good to hear a different view point but all the same that's a bit harsh. I have just finished my college course and I know it's not easy to find jobs. It's the fact that he hasn't sent a SINGLE cv out. He's not trying at all.

When he dropped out of college the first think I didn't do was think of dumping him because he didn't have a job. I have been there for him and patient for 5/6 months now, surprising him, taking him out for meals etc and I don't know what else to do. I won a free holiday to a five star hotel with flights etc abroad. He said he'd go.. and 'yeah I'll get a passport'... drags out for months.. he never got one and time ran out so he couldn't go. That was a big let down. I'm really sick of the 'yes I'll do..x, y and z' and he never actually does them. I'd like to think I'm not 'kicking him when he's down'.

Maybe from my original post if looked like I was thinking of breaking up with him because he didn't have a job and was in a slump. As said above, I've done everything I can to be there for him. I even have connections to get him work experience in his line of work (he also said yeah to that months ago.... and everytime I brought it up again it was like.. 'maybe in a couple of months'....).

I spoke to him today. It's a very touchy subject with him as he thinks I'm saying he's not good enough for me. He is and always will be if he'd just 'do stuff' instead of saying he'll do things and never actually do them. It's easy to say 'dump him' etc, but love isn't that easy. I love other things about him. I'll give it a couple of more months and if it's the same then I'm going to have to leave.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, you sound like me a couple of months ago. I had an OH who failed first year college, repeated the year and then just never sat his exams at the end of it, just dropped out. He wasn't happy and was trying to find another course to start the following year. I stood by him through all of this as best I could. He had a job but couldn't manage his money, then he was let go from his job and didn't bother finding a new one.

At the end of the day I loved him for him, not his job or qualifications, but what killed me was he was so intelligent, a really clever guy, he just had no ambition. If he actually got off his arse and did something he'd be fantastic at it. It got the point I couldn't rely on him to do anything, he just spent all day sitting at home. He wasn't depressed, he just got stuck in a rut. I tried encouraging him, I tried helping him find a job or course to do, then I tried leaving him alone entirely. None of it made the slight bit of difference. When we first started going out I was with a wonderfully ambitious, intelligent thoughtfull man, what I was left with was someone who just refused to help themselves.

In the end, he left me and sad as it was, it was a huge relief. He said he needed to learn to do things on his own and he was starting to resent me for still being in college and being able to work. At the moment he has a full time job and he seems to be doing great. I'm delighted for him but I'm also delighted for myself. Without having to worry about him, I was all of a sudden able to concentrate on college and work guilt free. It's up to you Op, but I wouldn't want to see myself in that position again

Shelga

Hi OP, I rarely respond to these threads but this one got my attention. To everyone who's saying you're being horrible to him, blah blah, let him move on- that's a load of rubbish. The drive/ambition you talk about is a HUGE part of being attracted to someone IMO. It sounds like you've been really supportive towards him and maybe it's time to end things. Someone who can't be bothered to get a passport to go on a free holiday is taking the p*ss.

I'm roughly the same age as you, also in college, and trust me, I've had somewhat similar experience- you will feel so much better when you are with someone who wants the same things as you. Also breaking up could be the wake up call he badly needs, as someone else said.

Just my 2c! Good luck with whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I won a free holiday to a five star hotel with flights etc abroad. He said he'd go.. and 'yeah I'll get a passport'... drags out for months.. he never got one and time ran out so he couldn't go. That was a big let down. I'm really sick of the 'yes I'll do..x, y and z' and he never actually does them. I'd like to think I'm not 'kicking him when he's down'.

Maybe from my original post if looked like I was thinking of breaking up with him because he didn't have a job and was in a slump.

That's my post you quoted above. This puts a different slant on it. Sounds to me like he's getting to enjoy his idle lifestyle and is taking you for granted.

Maybe it is time for you to move on if that's the case.

Still can't see what's attractive about someone earning lots of money though ("drive" as it's known here)

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I spoke to him today. It's a very touchy subject with him as he thinks I'm saying he's not good enough for me. He is and always will be if he'd just 'do stuff' instead of saying he'll do things and never actually do them. It's easy to say 'dump him' etc, but love isn't that easy. I love other things about him. I'll give it a couple of more months and if it's the same then I'm going to have to leave.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

He's good enough for you IF? That's translates precisely to, he's not good enough for me.

Move on OP, you don't respect this man. He's not who you're looking for - you're trying to change him, albeit for the better, but that never works. He'll resent you for pushing him, you'll resent him for resisting. Disaster waiting to happen.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Still can't see what's attractive about someone earning lots of money though ("drive" as it's known here)

Drive is nothing to do with how much people earn!!!! It's about their interest in anything they do.

LegacyUser

Icansympathise wrote: »

At the end of the day I loved him for him, not his job or qualifications, but what killed me was he was so intelligent, a really clever guy, he just had no ambition. If he actually got off his arse and did something he'd be fantastic at it. It got the point I couldn't rely on him to do anything, he just spent all day sitting at home. He wasn't depressed, he just got stuck in a rut. I tried encouraging him, I tried helping him find a job or course to do, then I tried leaving him alone entirely. None of it made the slight bit of difference. When we first started going out I was with a wonderfully ambitious, intelligent thoughtfull man, what I was left with was someone who just refused to help themselves.

That's very similar to how I feel.

Unregistered wrote: »

That's my post you quoted above. This puts a different slant on it. Sounds to me like he's getting to enjoy his idle lifestyle and is taking you for granted.

Maybe it is time for you to move on if that's the case.

Still can't see what's attractive about someone earning lots of money though ("drive" as it's known here)

It's nothing to do with earning lots of money. Honestly. When I say 'drive', I mean a bit of get up and go. Perhaps motivation would be more an appropriate word. Even to do work experience (for free- earning nothing but experience), in the industry he says he loves would be something. His industry was also a hobby and now he doesn't have much interest in it... just talks about 'some day he'll do this.. and that with it etc'. He does have self esteem issues thinking he's not good enough also. No matter how much I encourage him etc he says he can't seem to gain confidence in himself. I wish I could do something to help him believe more in himself. It's very difficult to see him throw a lot of talent away and spend most of his time in the house playing computer games.

shellyboo wrote: »

He's good enough for you IF? That's translates precisely to, he's not good enough for me.

Move on OP, you don't respect this man. He's not who you're looking for - you're trying to change him, albeit for the better, but that never works. He'll resent you for pushing him, you'll resent him for resisting. Disaster waiting to happen.

That's a fair point. I hadn't noticed I typed 'if'. That's not good. Many people are telling me to break up with him etc and part of me is saying you're all very correct. But it's this issue weighing against all his positive attributes that makes it so difficult.

Moomoo1

OP, he is clearly depressed. One of the main symptoms of depression is that people just sit in one place all day and don't do anything, have no will to do anything.