Fallen for a girl I can't have

LegacyUser

Right...

I split up from my long term girlfriend this time last year. We've been up and down like a yo yo since, both of us going out with different people etc but still meeting and still sleeping together on a fairly regular basis. Any girl I met just didn't match my ex (I had her on a total pedestal when in reality she's a wagon)

Anyway, through work I met this amazing girl, from the minute I saw her I was a goner, the first time she walked away from me she walked away with my heart firmly in her pocket. I'm not one for falling for people easily, I do get little infatuations or whatever but this was so much more than that. Over time we developed a good friendship, chatting all the time and on msn etc. Then when I finally ask her out she drops the bombshell that she has a boyfriend back home, at this point I should probably mention that she is from another country. Now my feelings for her weren't/aren't unrequited. She likes me a lot.

So we continued talking then we were both at the same party and were alone in the kitchen when it was coming to an end. I told her it was dangerous for us to be alone in that situation, she said she didn't care... we ended up kissing.

We went out again and again kissing every time. She just tells me that she can't change her situation. To my eyes she seems afraid to take a gamble on me, she has been seeing this guy for two years and was childhood friends with him. They never lived in the same country as a couple though and I know he helped her through some tough times.

Well Sunday night we were out and when I brought her to her taxi I got a bit upset, she could see this (no tears or anything I just got a bit quiet). I was just thinking that she should be coming home with me, not for sex or anything but I just wanted to cuddle her. I've fallen for her badly. So this morning we were talking about it again and the usual... can't change the situation so I said that I wanted to leave it, cut contact, this really upset her and she refused to accept that. She atarted to cry, she really does have feelings for me. But I deleted her number, she is still on my msn and was signed in this evening but didn't message me and I didn't message her. Which would be unusual because we speak every night, chat for hours

Then some friends turned up unexpectedly so the laptop went off.

I don't know why I'm putting this here, I'm not really looking for advice but it would be nice all the same.. I just needed an outlet I suppose.

If you've read through my story, thank you

Terodil

I think you've done well cutting contact for now. In fact, I think you have handled it pretty well overall, except maybe the kissing part after you knew that she had a bf.

TBH I think the ball is firmly in her court now. Perhaps you could send her an email (a letter with pretty paper for the old-fashioned ^^) and explain to her again what you feel and why it can't go on like that any more. Make it clear to her that you two are being unfair on the bf back home and that she needs to make a choice if she wants to take it any further.

It's your choice then if you want to continue the friendship or stop seeing her altogether to avoid the hurt.

I hope this helps a little... good luck OP...

messrs

i agree with terodril - must be very hard taking a step back like that, but you carrying on with her is not going to lead anywhere, coz she will assume your happy with the situation
you need to be honest with her, tell her how you feel and what you want from this and explain been friends is to hard for you.
hope it works out for you OP

Xiney

Cutting contact with her is good.

It will force her to make a decision. See, before, she was holding out for the boyfriend at home but it was easy because she didn't have to be lonely - she had you to keep her company.

Now she'll feel lonely (unless she starts using some other poor guy as a stop-gap) and she may feel pushed to make a decision - either to stay with her boyfriend and accept the loneliness, or to choose you.

Either way, it's better than the situation prior to this.

ciagr297

SillyBoy - offering support here

breaking contact is the best move in this situation. however bad you feel now, it would be nothing if it continued in the future.

she has to make the decision, plain and simple

i know it hurts
<<hug>>

Elessar

Kissing you while she had a boyfriend at home? A real winner there.

So if you did get together, how long before she starts snogging other blokes when you're not around?

Do you not see this?

Wibbs

Xiney wrote: »

Cutting contact with her is good.

It will force her to make a decision. See, before, she was holding out for the boyfriend at home but it was easy because she didn't have to be lonely - she had you to keep her company.

Now she'll feel lonely (unless she starts using some other poor guy as a stop-gap) and she may feel pushed to make a decision - either to stay with her boyfriend and accept the loneliness, or to choose you.

Either way, it's better than the situation prior to this.

+1.

OK cynical old me.... IMHO it sounds like you're being used as a crutch. A rental boyfriend until the real one turns up. Or another completely different guy turns up and she cops off with him.

Now you may say that the feelings go both ways, but I see problems with that. At least in regard to real feelings. If she had real feelings for the boyfriend well then she may have copped off with you once outa loneliness, but chances are she would have nipped it in the bud, or she would have kept you in the friendzone as a crutch(not particularly nice, but.). Or she would have broken off with the boyfriend and gone off with you. Now that may seem a tad black and white and it is, but for the sake of your head, in this case I do think black and white is the way to go. If you were just jumping her bones and that was it, while not exactly up there morally with her being attached, you wouldn't get the heartbreak.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Kudos. Keep the non contact going. It'll be hard as soon enough you may get the call about her making a decision.

TBH for your sake I actually hope you don't force her into a decision and she chooses you. I'd put bets down that she will be more grief than comfort down the line and I don't think I'd lose money either.

End cynicism.

LegacyUser

OP here

Something she told me months ago, before we even kissed was that she was 100% sure that her boyfriend was the one for her. She was totally sure about him and then she met me. For two years she didn't even look at another guy until I walked into her life and turned her head upside down

I know us kissing was wrong and it's really unfair on her boyfriend back home but it just happened. Each time it happened it was fantastic at the time but we both felt terrible the next day albeit for different reasons.

She started a new job today and it was hard to not send her a message (although I don't have her number now) or email wishing her luck. This is really hard tbh and totally unlike me

Wibbs

It was probably down to loneliness + homesickness(apparently a real bugger) + missing the comfort and contact of a partner + being attracted to you = her feelings. That's understandable, but no use for you. You did the right thing.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

It was probably down to loneliness + homesickness(apparently a real bugger) + missing the comfort and contact of a partner + being attracted to you = her feelings. That's understandable, but no use for you. You did the right thing.

I'm not convinced this was the case. She lives with her family over here, well sister and cousin, has lived here for the last 5 years and has quite a large network of friends including males.

She went home for 3 a couple of months ago and was actually homesick for Ireland

Anyway thank you all for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it

Wibbs

I suppose the biggest thing is not the reasoning why, it's what the result would be. Regardless of whether it's her feelings or homesickness or mercury rising in her sun sign, if she won't leave the other guy that sadly kinda seals it. Grand if you just wanted a roll in the hay, but if your hearts involved not so much.

If she comes back and says 2 year boyo is for the high jump, then it's another thing entirely of course.

Still reckon you played it dead right mind.

LegacyUser

I really want to mail her now.. wish her the best in her new job.

I can't though right? That would be playing back into her hands wouldn't it? Sometimes I hate being a nice guy. On one hand I feel terrible for not wishing her the best but on the other I have to think of my own sanity

Deleting her number was a good move because I would have definitely text her by now

legend365

Yea man resist the temptation at ALL COST!

Im in a situation with a girl where its kinda the same. Cut all contact etc.

Feel like txtin her now and again but no, time to be a bad ass instead of a mr nice guy

George Carbery

Elessar wrote: »

Kissing you while she had a boyfriend at home? A real winner there.

So if you did get together, how long before she starts snogging other blokes when you're not around?

Do you not see this?

I agree ... get rid of her ... she is just using you .... if she had feelings she would not do this on her BF.
It may be hard .... but thats life....

Dravokivich

... there's just 1 thing i don't get. Why'd you delete her number?

- Drav

Silverfish

Dravokivich wrote: »

... there's just 1 thing i don't get. Why'd you delete her number?

- Drav

So he wouldn't text her.


OP, know you'll be tempted to email or just 'need' to know she's okay or how she's doing or if she's drinking enough water or whatever, it's important to remember that these will just be excuses and you need to distract yourself til they pass.

LegacyUser

Spent the evening chatting to her on MSN

She did msg me first. I tried to not talk to her, I hadn't got it in me to not talk to her. I can't be mean

We didn't chat as much as we normally would though. I mean the last few months we would chat if we were both home and if not we would be texting, calling or meeting up. A clean break is bloody hard.

Told her that I'd probably talk to her next week sometime then.

I'm terribly down in the dumps now

jy

Silly Boy wrote: »

Right...

I split up from my long term girlfriend this time last year. We've been up and down like a yo yo since, both of us going out with different people etc but still meeting and still sleeping together on a fairly regular basis. Any girl I met just didn't match my ex (I had her on a total pedestal when in reality she's a wagon)

Anyway, through work I met this amazing girl, from the minute I saw her I was a goner, the first time she walked away from me she walked away with my heart firmly in her pocket. I'm not one for falling for people easily, I do get little infatuations or whatever but this was so much more than that. Over time we developed a good friendship, chatting all the time and on msn etc. Then when I finally ask her out she drops the bombshell that she has a boyfriend back home, at this point I should probably mention that she is from another country. Now my feelings for her weren't/aren't unrequited. She likes me a lot.

So we continued talking then we were both at the same party and were alone in the kitchen when it was coming to an end. I told her it was dangerous for us to be alone in that situation, she said she didn't care... we ended up kissing.

We went out again and again kissing every time. She just tells me that she can't change her situation. To my eyes she seems afraid to take a gamble on me, she has been seeing this guy for two years and was childhood friends with him. They never lived in the same country as a couple though and I know he helped her through some tough times.

Well Sunday night we were out and when I brought her to her taxi I got a bit upset, she could see this (no tears or anything I just got a bit quiet). I was just thinking that she should be coming home with me, not for sex or anything but I just wanted to cuddle her. I've fallen for her badly. So this morning we were talking about it again and the usual... can't change the situation so I said that I wanted to leave it, cut contact, this really upset her and she refused to accept that. She atarted to cry, she really does have feelings for me. But I deleted her number, she is still on my msn and was signed in this evening but didn't message me and I didn't message her. Which would be unusual because we speak every night, chat for hours

Then some friends turned up unexpectedly so the laptop went off.

I don't know why I'm putting this here, I'm not really looking for advice but it would be nice all the same.. I just needed an outlet I suppose.

If you've read through my story, thank you

just FYI, what your doing is going to make her crazy about you. tradgic love stories, you got to love them. I hope there is a happy ending.

Oh and as for the other guy, if he was really serious they would be living together, shes not married, she has a b/f who very well could be cheating in his home country

LegacyUser

I've been in similar situations. it sucks. i think u did the right thing distancing her (i was stupid and didn't do this and paid the price with much drama).

if its meant to be she will come to you.
i think other posters are being overly harsh on her. its hard to move country and do this long distance thing. ultimately i think its foolish unless people are intent on marriage. but people are young and don't really know themselves when they put themselves in these situations. then they grow, they change etc seperately from each other in new country, but still have this connection they both invested in, but they aren't really the same people they were when they parted. And to be fair to her thats not a simple thing for anyone to deal with. that said she can't expect for you to be ok with it and keep kissing her.

but she needs to find her own answers. she knows how u feel about her. you've told her u couldn't keep carrying on which was the right thing to do. she just has to make her choice. i think - be polite, gentle but firm about your position and let her find her own answers.

ppl will post and say shes not worth it blah blah. only you can make that determination. its a tough spot for you to be in - but ur the only one who can say whether its worth it or not