Friends, a good idea?

LegacyUser

Just a really quick question for ye guys. Im in a predicament, I really like this girl, we've been with eachother a few times, nothing serious just kisses etc. stayed over in hers but never really tried to push anything as she was going through some bad times....
Anyway now she says she wants to be friends and nothong more (she has told me a few times both drunk and sober that she likes me alot but just doesn't want another relationship right now....
So my question is do ye think it'd be a good idea just to be mates and have fun and hope something happens down the line....
Or try and leave her be....
Thing is if i do the mates thing im afraid she'll end up with someone else and that would kill me, but if i cut contact i may never know what could have been,
I do believe she likes me but wants to be on her own right now and i did mess up at the start of the whole thing by coming on too strong and acting jealous etc.
Anyone with any experience with a similar situation? I just can't get her out of my head, its been months now and im beginning to think i've fallen in love with someone that i probably should't have, but hey you cant control your feelings i suppose!

VaioCruiser

Well it looks like you don't have a lot of choice does it ? :rolleyes:

I would advise you to be as nice as possible, treat her well ... and continue as was, and hang in their for a while and see what happens.

It's risky of course... she may date someone else. But it depends on whether she is worth it and whether you can be patient.

All the best.

Monkey61

Being blunt, because I have been in this situation a few times before and it is always the same - she doesn't like you in that way and it is highly unlikely that she will change her mind.

She has told you so. There is nothing more that you can do. It will be hard, but giving yourself a bit of distance is the best thing that you can do. Otherwise there is the danger that you will be that friend that she uses for an ego boost and comfort when she gets lonely, until she meets someone that she really likes. Do not let that happen because it will hurt you so much in the future.

It is so easy to fool yourself into thinking that if only you are lovely to her and treat her well you can prove to her that she should be with you - but that rarely, if ever happens.

Astrogeek

Oh I am in that situation at the moment. But I am the girl. I got close to this guy on the rebound from someone else, kissed him a few times but wasn't thinking anything of it. Then told him I really thought we should just be friends. Over a year later, he still makes it really obvious that he fancys me and really tries pretty hard to get us in situations where we are alone. I know I'm not attracted to him, I have told him that nothing would ever happen between us, he hates my OH and constantly nags at me that I could do better etc.
^^ that situation is not doing anyone any good, and I am trying but failing to distance myself from him at the moment.

Even saying that, I'd say give being friends a go. But if she says calmy and soberly that she is not interested, believe her.

The End Of Days

Been there, If I could go back in time I'd manipulate the other one into a night of sex, then forget about it.

Being older is nice in one way but kind of cruel in others

VaioCruiser

Astrogeek wrote: »

Oh I am in that situation at the moment. But I am the girl. I got close to this guy on the rebound from someone else, kissed him a few times but wasn't thinking anything of it. Then told him I really thought we should just be friends. Over a year later, he still makes it really obvious that he fancys me and really tries pretty hard to get us in situations where we are alone. I know I'm not attracted to him, I have told him that nothing would ever happen between us, he hates my OH and constantly nags at me that I could do better etc.
^^ that situation is not doing anyone any good, and I am trying but failing to distance myself from him at the moment.

Even saying that, I'd say give being friends a go. But if she says calmy and soberly that she is not interested, believe her.

I guess it's a matter of proportionality .. I hope he gives it a go for a while .... but not so long it becomes like stalking :rolleyes:

All the best

towel401

leave it mang, the friend zone is worthless. even if you stick it out prepare to be ditched completely soon after she finds a new bf

cut yer losses and run while you can. the friend zone is a terrible thing to be suckered into

Escapism

Hey OP ...

I'm in a similar situation, met an old friend online and we met for coffee, then he asked to meet for drinks, then we went clubbing and ended up kissing and he walked me home, then we just kept in touch and while i was away on hols we kept in touch and then arranged to meet up for a sat night in dublin, i ended up staying the whole weekend, brilliant crack, got on like a house on fire, all kept going well, he asked me on a couple more dates which were great, THEN (this is the part thats the same, was just giving a little build up) THEN he said he didn't want a relationship! Which to be honest i was ok with in a way because i didn't want anything major but we agreed to continue as we were ... having fun BUT he changed ... got all weird and 'this feels like its heading in the direction of a relationship' ..... so men do it too and i think if someone is up front with you and says they don't want a relationship then THEY DON'T ... if YOU do want one, then i think you're probably better off looking somewhere else as they're not gonna change their mind ..... well thats the impression i've gotten and this only happened to me lately ....

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, thats the thing i don't want to get drawn into the "friend zone" , i know im gonna want more and its just not clear to me what she wants....few months back when we were "having fun" she was in a bad place told me as much and said she didn't want another relationship ( she's always been honest with me, i think) but then i emailed her saying that its ok and she should sdo whatever makes her happy...to which she replies that she DOES like me too and that she doesn't know how to feel at the moment.
Now thats about 3 months ago and there has been much contact since,
we met last week for a drink and she seemed to keep dropping "mate" etc. into convo, maybe paranoia by me i dunno.
She's a girl with lots of male friends so....If it doesn't go any where i know where ive blown it, came on to strong,needy and even desperate at the start but she seemed to leave thiis off for a while when looking back most whould have run a mile, she even said to me to calm down and ya never know what might happen....
still don't know should i risk the friendship thing (she is definatley worth it) or is this a lost cause, she does seem to be much happier now in the last few weeks so maybe, we could start again.

On a side to the ladies, if you were under the impression a fella was a bit of a player would that scare you off! i think she might have this impression of me and maybe is fearing getting hurt....i dunno, just a few things she said in passing...

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

still don't know should i risk the friendship thing (she is definatley worth it) or is this a lost cause, she does seem to be much happier now in the last few weeks so maybe, we could start again.

Put it like this. If you decide to remain "friends" you won't really be friends. She'll see you as a friend and you'll see her as someone you want to have a relationship with, not just a friend. so it's not really a friendship and in that way i absolutely think it's worth risking.

On the other hand i would have given up long ago. Answers that start with "you're a really great guy..." and the classic "i really like you but..." get on my nerves. If she liked you enough she would be going out with you right now. I know it seems a little black and white but i honestly think it's much easier to look at things like that when in situations like this. Saves many headaches and sleepless nights wondering.

So i suppose what im trying to say is go for it. But this time ask for a straight answer. Tell her you really like her and ask for an honest answer. If it's a "yes" then happy days! If it's "no", well at least you tried. If it's the usual indecisive crap, take it as a "no" as well. She doesn't want to hurt you and lose you as a friend so she'll try and spare your feelings. If this is the case (and it most likely will be because this usually happens) cut contact for a while. Just delete the phone number and facebook/bebo accounts etc... until you have her completely out of your system. Then down the line when you think of her and have no romantic feelings whatsoever, try the friends thing then. Right now, she's merely stringing you along and you can let this go on for as long as you feel like. It's up to you.

LegacyUser

There are two types of friendships in the world: There's the type where both people enjoy the time spent together and care for each other, but do not rely on each other; And then there's the type where one person is trying to hop into the other's bed.

For whatever reasons, whether through boredom or confusion, she fooled around with you in the past, but she now appears to have decided where things are going: nowhere.

You need to accept this apparent truth. If you truly can reconcile to this, and end up sharing a genuine friendship with her, then that's fine.
But from the sounds of things, this isn't you. You need to step up and be honest, both with her and with yourself, and you need to stop spending time with her.

Talk to her, tell her you cannot be an honest friend to her, as you like her too much, and a part of you always be trying to advance the relationship. Tell her because of this, you will not be able to spend time with her the way you once did. Make it clear you're not angry with her, but that you have to be fair to yourself, and you don't want to put yourself through any more heartache.

From this, one of three things will happen:
She will confess that she has been afraid of getting into a serious relationship, declare her undying love, and will have your babies'
She will tell you it's "for the best", and you go on with life, finding some hottie that you would never have met in a million years, and have babies;
She will tell you it's "for the best", and you go on with life, until she realises she really did like you after all, calls you, and has your babies afterall.

Nietzsche once said, "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of men". Stop tormenting yourself, and find new hope.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Put it like this. If you decide to remain "friends" you won't really be friends. She'll see you as a friend and you'll see her as someone you want to have a relationship with, not just a friend. so it's not really a friendship and in that way i absolutely think it's worth risking.

Nah what i meant there was if it was risking getting hurt if she gets with someone else while im playing the"FRIEND", i get that it won't be an actual friendship, but i mean surely sees this too, serious question do ppl (women) really think that a friendship with someone who has feeling for you is really going to work?? I don't know i do my best not to hurt anyone and as has happened in the past if someone has feelings for me and i don't feel the same way i distance myself from them (being civil but not leading anyone on)

Now we were more or less together for about a month, she said from the start that she didn't want a relationship...but we kinda fell into it anyway, she denied all the time that we were but anyway, after a few weeks she freaked and said we could only be mates...i told it was ok and d whatever made her happy,

We've been with eachother since but contact has been minimal for the last couple of months, i mean if someone wants to be friends as she says then why stop returning calls etc.

Just seems that maybe she doesn't know what she wants!! or as she has said in the past "i dont know how i feel at the moment"

Anyway i think im gonna try and go along with it and see if anythnig happens over the next month or so..not reallypush but let it happennaturally,....(she's has also said that this was a better way to do things a few months back), im not gonna bring it up but if it gets too much i think i'll tell her how i feel over a email (don't want to put her oon the spot, give her time to think and actually mean what she says in reply)

Sorry for the rant....just really venting i spose and its greeat to get unconnected feedback so thanks, as i said i think ive fallen in love for the 1st tiime in my almost 30 years and it looks like its gonna go to waste, which just kinda breaks my heartt :-(