To stay or go

LegacyUser

I have been with my partner for the past 6 years. He is a good bit older than me but that has never affected us before. When we met we just clicked and have enjoyed a great relationship since.
When we first meet I was in my mid 20’s and the thought of getting married and having children freaked me out. You know the usual I’m too young for that. My partner was happy with that as he was previously married and children from this relationship.
We have been living together for six years now, over three years ago I bought my own house and he has helped me to do it up and we moved two years ago.
We have always kept our finances separate due to the fact, even though he is legally separated he is not divorced.
We do love each other very much and every time we go out and he has a few too many he tells everyone how much he loves me and that he wants to make an honest woman out of me. At first I thought it was cute, now it just upsets me because the next day he tells me that he can’t get a divorce as he needs to look after his kids. I can totally understand that he needs to look after his kids that not the issue.
Over the years I have changed too, gone are the days when marriage and children freak me out, I am think I am now ready for this stage. We have talked about kids and he has told me that he will give me one if I want it but he doesn’t really want any more. He would do it to keep me happy. He told me that he wont divorce his wife as one of this children told him that she will take him to the cleaners for everything he has and he can’t afford to loose his house (he has his own house) on the children to pay her off. Don’t get me wrong I can see his point of view and I can understand that he wants to financially protect his children, but the problem is that now I feel like I am just been left with the crumbs of the cake so to speak.
I don’t want a child outside marriage with a man who is just doing it to keep me happy but I don’t know what to do.
My friends say that I should give him an ultimatum, to get a divorce or leave. I love him to bits and I know he loves me to bits but I don’t want to wake up in my mid 40's regretting not having a child because I am with a man who won’t commit to me

Any suggestions should I confront him and risk loosing everything I have with him, my gut says yes, my heart says no you’ll break his heart , so really confused.

snowy2008

if hes living with you, why doesnt he just sell the other house and half the profits with his ex wife, he does see a future with you so im sure your not going to kick him out onto the street if times get hard, to be honest, im thinking theres other reasons he doesnt want to divorce, does he want more children, you should just sit down with him and talk this through, ultimatiums are all well and good but you say you love him so i wouldnt just give him one, sit down, discuss your worries and the answer will become very clear

rhyolite

teresa2008 wrote: »

if hes living with you, why doesnt he just sell the other house and half the profits with his ex wife, he does see a future with you so im sure your not going to kick him out onto the street if times get hard, to be honest, im thinking theres other reasons he doesnt want to divorce, does he want more children, you should just sit down with him and talk this through, ultimatiums are all well and good but you say you love him so i wouldnt just give him one, sit down, discuss your worries and the answer will become very clear

yeah, ultimatums are a very bad idea - they rarely get the people involved actually thinking deeply about the problems involved, they just make people defensive and even less likely to come to a solution - and its a solution you want, not a one word answer.

he may actually be being entirely truthfull about the reason he doesn't want to divorce his wife, he may well get taken to the cleaners - and as can be seen on this board - enforcing his rights as a divorced father isn't something that the state takes very seriously. so he may feel that not only could he end up skint, he may have no contact with his kids as well - and thats unlikely to push him towards divorce.

he may also be a bit scarred by the whole experience, seperating/divorcing when you're got kids - particularly when one of the parties has subsequently hooked up with a much younger, prettier, firmer partner - is not a period of your life that is likely to make you more enthusiastic about getting married again and having more kids. its also possible that deep down he may fear that eventually, when you've got kids, you'll wake up one morning and say to yourself 'fcuking how old?', and he'll have to go through the whole thing again.

it is of course possible that something else is going on, personally my eyes bulged out of their sockets when i saw that, apparently, despite him living with you, being pretty serious etc..., his wife isn't divorcing him - put yourself in her shoes and try and think of a logical reason why she's not divorcing him - coz i can't....

thefeatheredcat

OP,

I would be very reluctant to push an ultimatum in this instance as you sound otherwise happy with your relationship and have invested a lot in it.

However, there's more than just yourself in this issue. I think you need to gain a better understanding of the situation why he staying separated other than for his children, which is fair enough.

How well up is he on the legal end in terms of rights and what would happen should he file for divorce?

I think you need to have a very open discussion about how you feel about this as well as discussing your own feelings and where you want the relationship to go.

Citizen's information have some useful information about separation and divorce, maybe something for you both to read up on if there's any uncertainties on what entitlements are available.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce

Badboy1977

Be patient for the moment but indicate that you wont wait forever.Why Cant you both go see a Family Law Solicitor and get your options? You need to keep talking about it but in a gentle way-if that's possible.

VaioCruiser

I agree with the other posters, including rhyolite.

His situation makes a lot of sense to me. (Subject of course to the accuracy and limited content of your post.)

However you sound detached from the situation and not fully engaged. I suggest you need to get involved with his situation and with exactly what the whole financial implications of his situation are and the reasons he is saying that are blocking his ability to move on. Only by getting involved can you know the truth. Go to get some advice together. Look at the acts together.

Also by getting involved you are joining him in a joint venture toward building a future together.

I respect your views on having a child out of marriage - but to be honest I think that sometimes needs must. if his story stands up and the best solution is not to divorce until his kids are grown up more, then you can sort it out later when you do get married.

What is the alternative ? Leave the man you love and who loves you because of some formality ? Really ?.....

All the best