Have I ruined things?

shanty_boi

Hi folks, need a wee bit of advice here if anyone can help!

I have been seeing a girl recently for about 2 months or so who is 18 and I am 24. We have met up countless times when we are out, been on 4 or 5 sober dates, i've stayed over in her house (we didnt sleep together) and been texting each other a right bit. I had been going out with another girl for 4 years and we broke up about 9 months ago and since then I have been acting the single lad and having fun! But since I started seeing this girl I have been thinking more and more about settling down. All my mates have been slagging me saying that i'll be going steady soon and that's what I have been leaning towards. So anyway the girl was over at my house friday night and we were just watching a dvd and she was basically keeping me company because I was by myself. I had planned to talk to her about this all but I bottled it. Then on saturday night we were both out separately and we were texting all night. Problem was that I had been out with the lads from 5 in the afternoon and I ended up very very drunk. I dont usually do this when im drunk but for some reason I started ringing her and I know I tortured the poor girl. So with all these thoughts about getting serious in my head, I decided it would be a perfect time at 3.30 on a sunday morning to raise the issue. Turns out she doesnt want to get serious. She told me that she likes how things are at the minute and that she's starting college in September and doesnt think she could handle a relationship while at college. Of course I took it all like a huffy child and twisted with her. I text her yesterday and apologised and she accepted it. I was out again last night and we were still texting and she lifted me from the pub and left me home. Again I apologised but didnt bring up the whole issue of getting serious. We kissed and I got out. But I have an awful feeling that I have ruined things with her because of my drunken antics and that there is no chance of things working out with us.

A couple of questions I need help with. How can i make things right here? Should I just leave her be? The other thing that has been annoying me too is did she really mean what she said about going steady or was it cos she knew I was drunk?

LegacyUser

You've apologised to her twice already so I wouldnt worry about it. She obviously has forgiven you if she lifted you last night. As for the getting serious thing, you cant do anything about it I'm afraid. If that's what she wants you have to respect that.

LegacyUser

I'd say not to apologise anymore. She met you last night so she mustn't be too hung up on it. As for the serious issue, you cant do much there i'm afraid. It's not what she wants.

Terodil

TBH with you OP I think you don't really have to do anything any more now. You'd be blowing it out of proportions. You have apologised twice, that's enough. She accepted and is still in contact with you. She could just as well have chosen to stay away from you. Doesn't look like she did.

You had a bad start, it was a close one, now make it count. And drink less in the future

shanty_boi

Thanks for the responses. Does it sound like she was messing with me about the getting serious part? I kinda think that she reckons I dont really mean it about going into a relationship.

turgon

Perhaps she has a dismissive attitude towards drunks. I do, so when my friend get drunk and start laying it on my how much they "love and care" for me I usually just joke around. Drink always muddies the issue.

There are obliviously 2 scenarios: she was messing or she wasnt. If she wasnt messing, then you bringing it up again will likely just scare her off and alienate her. So just take it real easy for the moment as a precaution, and let the relationship develop the way it naturally does.

If I understand it correctly shes not actually your girlfriend, and you want her to be?

shanty_boi

Turgon, yeah she's not my girlfriend but i would like her to be. She left me home last night and i prob should have sent a text saying night but I fell asleep so i text her this morning instead and no word back from her. I think you are right and to just take it real easy for a while and see what happens.

turgon

Yep indeed. In fact the last two relationships Ive had there wasnt any big "will you be my girlfriend" moment, it was simply "who are we fooling, we are acting like a couple so we may as well be a couple." It just takes a bit of time.

messrs

does she know you were with you ex for 4 years before starting with her? maybe she tinks your on the rebound (im not saying u are) and wants to wait till she is 100% that your happy with her before she gives into her feelings - plus you did say it when you were drunk and not when ye were alone on fri nite - she mite just have though it was the drink talking

VaioCruiser

OP - I really think you need to get a grip and do some growing up. Being drunk isn't an excuse for being completely idiotic and I am sure her reactions are well and truly guided by this.

Start talking to her - open up and be honest. Tell her what matters to you and why. And kick the heavy drinking while you're at it.

All the best !

Monkey61

Now maybe I have picked this up differently to everyone else, but two things jump out at me.

Firstly, you didn't do anything wrong! You rang her while drunk (we all do that to people we are dating at some point) and said you wanted her to be your girlfriend. That isn't a bad thing to do.

Secondly, she said that she doesn't want to be. She is starting college in two months and she doesn't want a boyfriend. That's not the kind of thing you say to someone if you just think they are messing and drunk on the phone. You'd just say "ah we'll talk about it tomorrow" or something.

It has been two months, she is happy enough to date you, but she doesn't like you enough to be your girlfriend and she doesn't want to go to college whilst in a relationship. That seems to be all there is to it. So you can enjoy the rest of the summer with her, but be very aware that as soon as she meets someone who she likes enough, she will want to be their girlfriend and you will be cast aside.

If you like someone enough, you want to be with them. There is always the chance that she might change her mind, but I wouldn't count on it.

Koushki

Hey OP,

you didn't do anything wrong so don't be silly.

however, she said she didn't want anything serious before she goes to college, and when a girl says that, she means it.

you's havnt been together very long and she's gonna wanna be single for college cause all the new guys etc, so i wouldn't get too caught up with her if i were you cause by the sounds of it you really like her.

shanty_boi

Vaoi Cruiser, I agree I really do need to kick the heavy drinking. It's a rut I have gotten myself into. The group of friends that I run about with are the same as me - young fellas out for a good time. Maybe I need to distance myself from this group.

Monkey61 and Koushki, do you think I should cut ties with this girl then? I do really like her but if as you say she is going to cast me aside when she meets someone else, what's the point in continuing to see her?

VaioCruiser

shanty_boi wrote: »

Vaoi Cruiser, I agree I really do need to kick the heavy drinking. It's a rut I have gotten myself into. The group of friends that I run about with are the same as me - young fellas out for a good time. Maybe I need to distance myself from this group.

I agree, Others here have said you did nothing wrong in getting drunk, and that is a fair point. But while you may have done nothing wrong in principle, if screwing up our relationships when we are drunk is the result.... then we have to question ourselves and who we are hurting the most ... usually ourselves.

Monkey61 and Koushki, do you think I should cut ties with this girl then? I do really like her but if as you say she is going to cast me aside when she meets someone else, what's the point in continuing to see her?

if you don't mind me offering my advice - Why would you voluntarily cut ties to her until you find out exactly where you stand ? I suggest that you take her out for an evening and really talk to her about the whole situation. Include everything, her attitude, your attitude, your drinking, your change of mind about drinking, your fears and hopes for the future, her fears and hopes for the future.

I know all that sounds very mushy and girly stuff - but it is the only way to really get a meeting of the minds between you guys and to see if you have future together.

Best of luck !

shanty_boi

VaioCruiser, I would love to take her out for an evening to see exactly what the craic is but my old buddy Mr Fear of Rejection is looming over me!! I havent heard from her since she left me home on Sunday night and I've a notion I might be better leaving it until she contacts me!

VaioCruiser

shanty_boi wrote: »

VaioCruiser, I would love to take her out for an evening to see exactly what the craic is but my old buddy Mr Fear of Rejection is looming over me!! I havent heard from her since she left me home on Sunday night and I've a notion I might be better leaving it until she contacts me!

I understand.... I really DO. It's scary and it's also paralysing sometimes....

What you must say to yourself is this ... which will feel worse - NOT giving it a ago, and losing the chance to be with her but never really knowing if it would have worked - or giving it a go and having a 50:50 chance !! though also possibly finding out that she doesn't want it to work.

I would suggest that finding out the truth now, with a CHANCE of success is far better. It will hurt if it doesn't work out ! I guarantee it. But you will be at ease to start to heal and move on, having given it your best. If you don't find out it will linger and linger and linger .... believe me knowing you give it your best is very comforting in the long term in a situation like this.

I wish you all the best.. please come back and let us know ok ?

All the best.

shanty_boi

So Vaio, she contacted me last night via text message. Just a message with a private joke in it and nothing to do with last weekend! What do you reckon this means? I think I will text her today asking if she's free over the weekend. Bite the bullet!

Mixedup

i really don't think you're going to have much luck here bcause as she said herself she's starting college,
she's only 18 and the next four years are for her to grow and have fun, meet people and learn. You are 24 at a different stage in your life, leave her at it she's young and by her own admission doesnt want to be tied down.

LegacyUser

Mixed up, i disagree. I think the OP should take a step back and distance himself slightly but I dont think he should just give up on the girl. As another poster said, isnt it better to have a go and to fail rather than to be sitting a couple of months down the lie wondering what if i had made an effort?