So unbeliveably confused

moproblems

Hi

Basically I'm engaged to a guy, been together 8 years living together most of that time, we both have children from previous relationships that we had very young.

We had a bad period about 2 years ago and broke up but got counselling together and got back together. Everything in the garden was rosy, we were communicating better, there wasn't all these horrilble fights every week. He had an obsession with housework, if it wasn't done to his satisfaction he'd start a row, if I didn't make him the dinner he wanted, he'd get annoyed. But after we got back together things were grand and he eased up on that totally.

Now I'm finding that same stuff slowly creeping back into our relationship. He's currently going to counselling for himself, due to a bender he went on that got out of hand recently but I'm shocked to see him going back to his old behaviour rather than improving and I don't know what's going on. The latest thing is that we were sitting in last night and I was telling him that I found a group online of an old place I used to go and he went ballistic. He has always had an issue with my life before I met him, I once made the mistake of talking to a guy I went out with a couple of times in front of him, he approached us in a nightclub and my fiance didn't know I had been out with him and when I told him afterwards he went mad and this was about 6 years ago and he still goes on about it "remember the time you made me talk to so and so and I didn't even know you'd been with him etc." will just never let it go.

So anyway he was going mad cos I joined this group, I was only telling him about some music that was on the site that took me back, completely innocent, and he asked me not to tell him about it, he didn't want to know. When I said why he said he didin't want to know about a life I had before him, I just said I had a life before I met him and he needs to deal with it since Im with him now.

I tried to resolve it with him today but he just wouldn't let it go, kept saying if my life was so great then why don't go go back to it he said I was leaving myself open to be contacted by anyone (meaning blokes) from my past and he brought up the time when he had to talk to that bloke not knowing I'd been with him. I really don't understand him at all. It's like he's trying to control me and tell me what I can and cannot do and like he doesn't trust me. It's nice to reminisce sometimes but then my life was also quite crap in other areas then and I wouldn't want to go back even if I could. He once sat me down and told me to tell him of all the blokes I've ever been with so that if he ran into them he'd know what he was dealing with. I refused to of course. Thing is I'm starting to feel scared of making a future with him since he's so stuck in the past. He's the type of guy that if you do something on him once he'll bring it up again and again and will never let you away with it. He's done worse things on me but I agreed to forgive and forget but he never will. What the hell am I going to do? Any advice appreciated as I can't speak to friends or family or even him about this

Thanks.

Ellsbells

Definitely do not marry him until this is sorted out. Looks like he hid or had the true him under control for a while there but a leopard seldom changes his spots...

You know this is not right and its not the life you want so if you cant live with him as he is then you have to move on.

starchild

I would think that your partner is very controlling, and when he doesnt achieve this he reacts. It could be just the way he is or it could be that he is completely insecure and believes that you will find others better than him.

He obviously gets jealous and therefore loses trust. You need to figure this out with him , if you went to counselling before and it worked then it may be the right road for you again.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. Sorry to be so abrupt but ...

A controlling and obsessive guy. They don't change. Sorry. You need to move on and find a proper guy who has b*lls and knows how to treat a person he loves.

All the best

LegacyUser

Hmm. Not sounding too good.

My other half can be a difficult man and has his eccenticities as well (housework) but wouldn't give me crap about facebook groups or friends even though he does feel jealousy.

Of course, at first glance its a case of 'what an arsehole' but:

You've had eight years with him. You know him. Why are you in this?

&

You get the relationship you accept. Simply do not accept crap from him about your friends. Be very straight and overt about who you're seeing and why. That may ease his paranoia. Or if not he'll have to choose whether he wants a rel with someone he can't bully. Seriously, don't enable a bully. There may be a better man in there who just needs to be challenged to get out.

the_syco

How many friends has he tried to get you to blank? He sounds like a control freak.

moproblems

starchild wrote: »

I would think that your partner is very controlling, and when he doesnt achieve this he reacts. It could be just the way he is or it could be that he is completely insecure and believes that you will find others better than him.

He obviously gets jealous and therefore loses trust. You need to figure this out with him , if you went to counselling before and it worked then it may be the right road for you again.

You're right on the nail there Starchild that's exactly what he is, controlling and insecure. The whole reason he's going to counselling is to deal with that, he tries to control everything from the situations around him (he is obsessive compulsive and always has been) to how things are in the house too, as my post shows, me and my situations. I was really hoping he'd have a hold of it now that he's going to counselling, he's had about 4 sessions now but it seems to be making him want to control things even more. I've said this to him but he refuses to accept that. He swears blind that he trusts me so I don't know how he can be so jealous.

I might suggest us going to a few of the sessions together at the end when he's done with his own stuff first. We have resolved this argument, well, when I say resolved, we've made up but I suppose it's not really resolved as he only said sorry for something he said in the heat of the moment, totally unrelated to the original problem but I don't want him to think that his behaviour (telling me what I can and can't do) is acceptable but he refuses to see that he's in the wrong and I really feel it's something he should bring up and work on that he can't control what I do but he has to trust that I'm loyal and faithful to him.

Thanks for the advice anyway

rhyolite

moproblems wrote: »

You're right on the nail there Starchild that's exactly what he is, controlling and insecure. The whole reason he's going to counselling is to deal with that, he tries to control everything from the situations around him (he is obsessive compulsive and always has been) to how things are in the house too, as my post shows, me and my situations. I was really hoping he'd have a hold of it now that he's going to counselling, he's had about 4 sessions now but it seems to be making him want to control things even more. I've said this to him but he refuses to accept that. He swears blind that he trusts me so I don't know how he can be so jealous.

I might suggest us going to a few of the sessions together at the end when he's done with his own stuff first. We have resolved this argument, well, when I say resolved, we've made up but I suppose it's not really resolved as he only said sorry for something he said in the heat of the moment, totally unrelated to the original problem but I don't want him to think that his behaviour (telling me what I can and can't do) is acceptable but he refuses to see that he's in the wrong and I really feel it's something he should bring up and work on that he can't control what I do but he has to trust that I'm loyal and faithful to him.

Thanks for the advice anyway

OP, i have to ask, but do you really see any future whatsoever with someone who has to be told by someone else that being a possessive, controlling, hugely irritating a*sehole is a bad thing?

what else has he not figured out for himself - does he have problems with shoelaces, electricity and crossing roads?