Same old story for me

LegacyUser

Hi,
28, female, never really had a relationship. have self-esteem/confidence problems and I'm really trying to work at them, cos I know I need to be more confident! Basically what is annoying me, is that it when I go out with freinds, sometimes with 1/2/3 female friends, I'm always the one left manless at the end of the night. Now, a lot of the time none of us will score (and of course don't expect to on a regular basis, esp when you hit late 20s), but it tends to happen that my friends will fek off with some guy, and for eg. last night my 2 friends I was out with feked off at different times with men, and I was left for at least half an hour standing/sitting by myself watching the world go by in the nightclub.
another situation happened not that long ago, when I was out with 2 different female friends, one of them pulled, and myself and the other girl just danced by ourselves. I was getting attention that particular night, but didn't go off with anyone, cos I knew it wouldn't be fair for my friend to be left alone, esp for a long period. I didn't go off because I would have felt very guilty...
I was annoyed last night, but I'm too soft to say anything, and I think that they'd think Im jealous or whatever. but to be honest I reckon if I had done the same to either one, they'd have challenged me on it! I also think because I'm less attractive (but not ugly, just not stunning) than these particular two that I'll score less. But I'm getting sick of being the fool left while everyone else has the fun! I'm always supportive of my friend making advances with men etc, it's like I don't expect to score as much, and therefore it kinda happens that way. I know my confidence needs to improve, but thats a separate issue. Like I say what annoys me is that I'm always the loser in these situations.
One friend commented to me, when I told her about the night I was getting attention but didn't wanna fek off and leave my friend, that I need to be more selfish in future. but that doesn't come naturally to me, and I know I'd get it in the neck later by that friend or any other friend if I did that...
Am I a sap or what?
Any comments would be appreciated!

starchild

no your not a sap, there is nothing wrong with thinking of your friend, i would suggest that if something occurs like this again, explain to the guy who you are talking to that your friend will be left on her own if you stay with him, you could

a - invite him to join you both or
b - give him your number and tell him to call you and you can arrange something

if he is genuinely interested in you then he will call

dont let not meeting people in nightclubs get you down, its not for everybody, you might have much more success if you join a club or group where you get to know people over time and also get to know them much better

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
28, female, never really had a relationship. have self-esteem/confidence problems and I'm really trying to work at them, cos I know I need to be more confident! Basically what is annoying me, is that it when I go out with freinds, sometimes with 1/2/3 female friends, I'm always the one left manless at the end of the night. Now, a lot of the time none of us will score (and of course don't expect to on a regular basis, esp when you hit late 20s), but it tends to happen that my friends will fek off with some guy, and for eg. last night my 2 friends I was out with feked off at different times with men, and I was left for at least half an hour standing/sitting by myself watching the world go by in the nightclub.
another situation happened not that long ago, when I was out with 2 different female friends, one of them pulled, and myself and the other girl just danced by ourselves. I was getting attention that particular night, but didn't go off with anyone, cos I knew it wouldn't be fair for my friend to be left alone, esp for a long period. I didn't go off because I would have felt very guilty...
I was annoyed last night, but I'm too soft to say anything, and I think that they'd think Im jealous or whatever. but to be honest I reckon if I had done the same to either one, they'd have challenged me on it! I also think because I'm less attractive (but not ugly, just not stunning) than these particular two that I'll score less. But I'm getting sick of being the fool left while everyone else has the fun! I'm always supportive of my friend making advances with men etc, it's like I don't expect to score as much, and therefore it kinda happens that way. I know my confidence needs to improve, but thats a separate issue. Like I say what annoys me is that I'm always the loser in these situations.
One friend commented to me, when I told her about the night I was getting attention but didn't wanna fek off and leave my friend, that I need to be more selfish in future. but that doesn't come naturally to me, and I know I'd get it in the neck later by that friend or any other friend if I did that...
Am I a sap or what?
Any comments would be appreciated!

Youre not a sap, not even close. You sound like a really decent and considerate person. Unfortunately not everybody is like you, there is a lot of ruthless people out there and their ruthlessness really comes out when it comes to the opposite sex. So you should be proud of yourself for not abandoning that girl you were with, you showed how much character you have by having the opportunity to get with some guy but turning him down to do the honorable thing. I know youre annoyed at your friends for leaving you and that you would never have done what they did, you wouldnt have abandoned them just to score. Please dont take that other persons advice and become more selfish because you'd be going against your true nature if you did. Youre loyal and considerate not ruthless and selfish and to try and be soemthing youre not will only make you unhappy. I know its hard to be a certain way when all around you others are the exact opposite. You doubt yourself and the way you are and wonder if you should change just to be like everybody else or to have what they have. This is a human reaction and natural enough. But what seperates the men from the boys (or the women from the girls) is the ability to stand your ground and not go with the flow. I guess the bottom line is you have to be true to yourself and not react to what other people do. Keep being loyal because thats worth a lot more than scoring with some stranger.

Oh The Humanity

One friend commented to me, when I told her about the night I was getting attention but didn't wanna fek off and leave my friend, that I need to be more selfish in future

She is right.

You are making sacrifices for people who are not doing the same for you. Anyway tbh scoring comes before keeping friends company in most peoples eyes. Its understood.

I think you need to toughen up a bit. If you aren't getting as many chances as them then you need to take the ones you are getting.

Otherwise you will always get left sitting there like a tool.

If they try to give out to you ever for going off with a bloke firmly point out that they do the exact same thing themselves and not be hypocrites.

There is such a thing as being too nice and in truth nice guys do finish last. It doesn't mean you have to be the opposite (a selfish a$$) but all the same you need to be a lot more self promoting than you currently are.

The way the world works unfortunately is that you often need to demand/command respect, people won't automatically give it back to you if you always play fair.

Start putting yourself first for a change.

joeduggan

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
28, female, never really had a relationship. have self-esteem/confidence problems and I'm really trying to work at them, cos I know I need to be more confident! Basically what is annoying me, is that it when I go out with freinds, sometimes with 1/2/3 female friends, I'm always the one left manless at the end of the night. Now, a lot of the time none of us will score (and of course don't expect to on a regular basis, esp when you hit late 20s), but it tends to happen that my friends will fek off with some guy, and for eg. last night my 2 friends I was out with feked off at different times with men, and I was left for at least half an hour standing/sitting by myself watching the world go by in the nightclub.
another situation happened not that long ago, when I was out with 2 different female friends, one of them pulled, and myself and the other girl just danced by ourselves. I was getting attention that particular night, but didn't go off with anyone, cos I knew it wouldn't be fair for my friend to be left alone, esp for a long period. I didn't go off because I would have felt very guilty...
I was annoyed last night, but I'm too soft to say anything, and I think that they'd think Im jealous or whatever. but to be honest I reckon if I had done the same to either one, they'd have challenged me on it! I also think because I'm less attractive (but not ugly, just not stunning) than these particular two that I'll score less. But I'm getting sick of being the fool left while everyone else has the fun! I'm always supportive of my friend making advances with men etc, it's like I don't expect to score as much, and therefore it kinda happens that way. I know my confidence needs to improve, but thats a separate issue. Like I say what annoys me is that I'm always the loser in these situations.
One friend commented to me, when I told her about the night I was getting attention but didn't wanna fek off and leave my friend, that I need to be more selfish in future. but that doesn't come naturally to me, and I know I'd get it in the neck later by that friend or any other friend if I did that...
Am I a sap or what?
Any comments would be appreciated!

firstly, your friends dont know how lucky they are to have a friend like you. cos u think of them before u decide to go offwith a fella or not. they a selfish for leaving u on ur own , .with friends like them , who needs enemies. be more ruthless and if they say anything remind them about the times they left u on ur own.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

She is right.

You are making sacrifices for people who are not doing the same for you. Anyway tbh scoring comes before keeping friends company in most peoples eyes. Its understood.

I think you need to toughen up a bit. If you aren't getting as many chances as them then you need to take the ones you are getting.

Otherwise you will always get left sitting there like a tool.

If they try to give out to you ever for going off with a bloke firmly point out that they do the exact same thing themselves and not be hypocrites.

There is such a thing as being too nice and in truth nice guys do finish last. It doesn't mean you have to be the opposite (a selfish a$$) but all the same you need to be a lot more self promoting than you currently are.

The way the world works unfortunately is that you often need to demand/command respect, people won't automatically give it back to you if you always play fair.

Start putting yourself first for a change.

Hi OP,
Please do not take the above advice. That really is a terrible attitude that poster has.....................
Yes you need to look after yourself but that doesnt mean you compromise your morals and become disloyal and act like those who ditched you. If you do you'll just be another person who uses others and then ditches them when soembody better comes along. Keep acting with honour and dignity no matter waht those around you are doing.

ladylouise

i nearly 30 years old i never ever had boyfriend in my entire life and never even got my first kiss.guys prefer other girls to me .i was born rejected,never tasted love in my life probably never will.i evnery girls who can get boyfriends i wish i was lucky as them.to be love instead of ignored & called.well you had 4 may be there is more.you far luckier then me
i know there is no guy for me all i meet are rotten calling me and making feel dirt and worthless.even the one who i thought like me did n,t he called me names and was right down nasty to me for reasons unknowing to me.another night i asked guy to dance he said no and next minute i knew he was French kissing another in the nightclub.i made my own way home,and another guy forgot my name and left out in the rain for hour.other guys just ignore or call me names and very very nasty and aggressive towards me.so after 11 years that success rate nil.

i stand no chance at this stage i live in the country and town 4 miles has no nightclubs,pub worth while,no shopping center,not much of any thing,no jobs either,
this is small town in Ireland.

i am very depressed about never have boyfriend not even one.i am never got my first kiss am still waiting on it.other people know how to French kiss i don,t even how to do the basic kiss.

its most unfair and very distressed and i am lonely.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
28, female, never really had a relationship. have self-esteem/confidence problems and I'm really trying to work at them, cos I know I need to be more confident! Basically what is annoying me, is that it when I go out with freinds, sometimes with 1/2/3 female friends, I'm always the one left manless at the end of the night. Now, a lot of the time none of us will score (and of course don't expect to on a regular basis, esp when you hit late 20s), but it tends to happen that my friends will fek off with some guy, and for eg. last night my 2 friends I was out with feked off at different times with men, and I was left for at least half an hour standing/sitting by myself watching the world go by in the nightclub.
another situation happened not that long ago, when I was out with 2 different female friends, one of them pulled, and myself and the other girl just danced by ourselves. I was getting attention that particular night, but didn't go off with anyone, cos I knew it wouldn't be fair for my friend to be left alone, esp for a long period. I didn't go off because I would have felt very guilty...
I was annoyed last night, but I'm too soft to say anything, and I think that they'd think Im jealous or whatever. but to be honest I reckon if I had done the same to either one, they'd have challenged me on it! I also think because I'm less attractive (but not ugly, just not stunning) than these particular two that I'll score less. But I'm getting sick of being the fool left while everyone else has the fun! I'm always supportive of my friend making advances with men etc, it's like I don't expect to score as much, and therefore it kinda happens that way. I know my confidence needs to improve, but thats a separate issue. Like I say what annoys me is that I'm always the loser in these situations.
One friend commented to me, when I told her about the night I was getting attention but didn't wanna fek off and leave my friend, that I need to be more selfish in future. but that doesn't come naturally to me, and I know I'd get it in the neck later by that friend or any other friend if I did that...
Am I a sap or what?
Any comments would be appreciated!

Hi OP... I think the thread has got far off topic because what you appear to be really asking about is why you are not getting approached.

You are completely right about the self esteem issue and this is what you really need to work on. I cannot advise you because no one here really knows you.
However it is important to remember that for people to be attracted to you, you must look and act as if you are worth being attracted to. Does that make sense ? When we go out dancing and socialising we look for nice and interesting people ... we look for people who are confident; we look for someone that we think we would enjoy being with.

Clearly you cannot solve your self esteem problems over night. I know that. But what about faking it to start with ?? Go and put on a show. Have an evening where you pretend you are someone who is calm collected and incredibly confident... I suggest you would be amazed at the result.

On the friends issue - 'Humanity' above is absolutely right. There is nothing immoral or disloyal about standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated fairly and with respect. In life people often treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us.

All the best !

LegacyUser

OP here,

thanks for the comments. I think I need to take on board a combination of all that's been said here. It's true I need to be tougher with my friends in this situation, and not afraid in future to fek off if the chance for me arises.
As for the approaching, I think it's more that they expect themselves to pull ahead of me, and I'm kinda left....

THanks again.