Wedding woes

LegacyUser

So stressed atm, just had to share with someone!! My fiance proposed recently and obviously we've been talking about the wedding plans (nothing is done yet, it's all discussion). My parents told me they weren't paying for anything, his parents can't afford it and neither of us has a very well paying job, so we definitely don't want to splash out on a big wedding. TBH, I've never been one of those girls who dreamed about the big white wedding. I see them as an enormous waste of money - was at a cousin's wedding last year that cost over 25,000 and most of it was just so unnecessary. I also don't see much of my extended family as we moved away when I was younger, and as I've lived in a few countries in the last few years for work, I don't actually have that many close friends. I'm aware of the 'wedding politics' - if I have a big thing, I have to invite all my aunts, uncles, cousins (I have LOADS), I wouldn't know whether to invite great aunts/uncles I saw a lot as a child, basically I'd probably end up offending someone/many people.

I've been thinking that I'd quite like to just jet off somewhere sunny, just the fiance and me, and get married there without any fuss, just the two of us. But my mum has always said she'd never talk to me again if I got married without her. We already have a strained relationship as it is for various reasons. She says I'm spoiled and selfish and to her, doing this would just give her a reason to confirm that I am those things. It's just to hard to think of a compromise - our family is so big that a 'small' wedding couldn't happen (also my OH has many, many friends and family he'd have to invite). Aghhhh! I don't know what to do.

herya

Can you have a "wedding dinner" where you live only? So that after the church ceremony (I presume that's what you do) everybody is invited to a local restaurant for an afternoon dinner with coffee/drinks and off you go, no night entertainment, no traveling to hotels or distant venues?

Faith

I've seen the stress that goes with weddings, and the politics you speak of. When my brother got married, they had the reception in a small venue with a max capacity of 100 people. My bro and sister-in-law have a lot of friends, but my mum insisted that all our aunts and uncles were invited (14 in total), and that she get 20 invites for her friends. As she and my Dad were paying towards a lot of it, my brother had no choice, so he couldn't invite many of his friends.

Since then, I've always said I'll get married abroad, somewhere far away like Hawaii. I'll invite everyone, and only those who are close enough to me to be willing to pay will be there. Perfect! So how about you plan your wedding for abroad, invite who it's necessary to, but make it clear that they have to pay for flights, accommodation, everything. Your mum will be welcome to be there with you, and if she chooses not to go, she can't blame you for "doing it without her". People won't be offended by not being invited, but they'll more than likely decide against going due to the cost.

rediguana

I have sympathy for you. I got married last year and had the traditional wedding (which worked out very well, fun day, wouldn't change it).

But when we first talked about getting married, I was the same as you, thought it was a monumental, pointless waste of cash, the big ceremony etc. I wanted to just jet off to Croatia, just the two of us.

If the money isn't there, I would elope regardless of wht your mum says. She'll come round. I don't think a person should be in one cent of debt after a wedding, these days especially. Starting off a marriage in a €25K hole sounds like a bad start to me.

If you end up having it in Ireland, aggressively cut guest numbers. If families are not in a position to help financially, neither should they throw their weight around by dictating the guest list.

Best of luck!

herya

Well at least you have a great excuse of The Recession if somebody opens their mouth about the money :cool:

thefeatheredcat

I think you have to be realistic about this situation. You can't really afford a big wedding, so go with something small. I'm sure that most people will be understanding to have a small wedding. It's not worth getting into debt for. Don't buy into the whole 'i invited you to my wedding, so you must invite me to yours' from people you don't really know.

A wedding is about you and your fiancee celebrating being together and deciding to marry. Celebrate it in the way that you want.

You could get married abroad, but I think you have to register in your own country for it to be legal.

Maybe just have a small family wedding (parents, brothers and sisters only and a few very very close friends), that will keep your mum happy and invite everyone else such as extended family members and friends to a party afterwards. If all your cousins, aunts, uncles live in a different country/different part of country, maybe just have a fun day out together or have a party where they live.

In the end, it's about what you and your fiancee want, not what others want.

idontknowmyname

My sister got married 3 years ago and herself and hubbie went on a 5 star trip to Cuba and got married over there themselves. They were thinking of having a do here or in Italy. Our side of the family would have travelled out but his family aren't very well off so my sis thought it would be unfair if they couldn't afford the trip out.
They did it themselves, cost about £5k as it doubled up as a honeymoon and was 5 star the whole way. We had a small family gathering in the house with champagne and raised a glass when they were due to get married. They had a reception when they got back, just rented a room in local hotel on a friday night for about 100 people, sorted!

Do what suits you best, if you're family don't like it, they can stick it, it's your day and you want to be happy. If you elope off, maybe organise a small dinner function for close family and friends, won't cost a a fortune.

Clareman

I'm getting married in 2 weeks, the whole thing can be very very daunting, but you can cut down on a lot.

Band - why not just get a DJ? 1 step further, spend some time and setup a laptop/ipod to the hotel speakers.
Church - go to your local church, that should be free.
Hotel - Don't tell them you're a wedding, get married in the winter months (cheaper), go for the cheaper options.
Dress - don't go mad.
Suits - can people buy their own.
Flowers - don't go mad.
Invites - make your own.
Church music - do you need to spend on it?
Cars - do you need to rent them?

Have what you want, but also, do you need it all. I'm looking at ~30k to get married, but the honeymoon is costing 8k, band 3k, invites 1k. The hotel (for 180 people) is costing ~10k, I'm not going for the cheap options. Think of all the weddings you've ever been at and think "the day wouldn't have been the same without that", the hotel were looking for 5 euros for seat covers, I told them that I didn't want them, turned out more of a pain for them not to give them so I ended up getting them

Toots

OP, it's your day, you're only going to marry your fiancé once, so suit yourself. Honestly, if you want to just run away somewhere, do it. Then if you want, you could get a pub function room, a DJ, and some platters of food when you get home and have a bit of a shin-dig that your families can come to. You could organise that sort of afters for well under €1000. In fact, I think if you came anywhere close to that figure, you'd be getting ripped off.

I know a few people who have done this, (one couple got married in Vegas, another in Australia) and it actually worked out really well for everyone. It wasn't as formal as a traditional wedding, so there wasn't the massive expense for the guests too. Everyone had a great night, both were so relaxed, definitely a good idea for a stress-free afters. One of the couples had a wedding cake at theirs, the other didn't, so you could do that too if you wanted it to feel a bit more 'wedding-y'.

I really like Faith's idea of inviting a few close family along if you do it abroad, but they can pay their own way. You could then move on to a different area, just the two of you, for your honeymoon. If your mum starts throwing a fit, lay it on the line for her: she can either cop on, and come along to be at your wedding, or she can continue acting like a spoilt child and be left out of the entire proceedings.

Seriously, I can't stress this enough, do what will make you and your husband to be happy. You want to look back on your wedding day with fond happy memories! Best of luck with it, and congrats on the engagement!

silverharp

What Toots said. It is something we did, we got married in the carribbean. Paid for parents to come over. Worked out very well , we didnt want a chruch wedding and we had been living together for years before hand.
The last thing you want is to feel pressured by some perceived family pressure. Given the new attitude towards frugality these days , its even pretty cool to go off and do your own thing

Taltos

We also got married in the Carribbean.

No-one came with us.
Went for 3 wks. Told immed family when asked were we bringing them - "look we are strapped - if you want to come you are more than welcome but you will have to pay for yourselves".

Had the time of our lives and shared the video with all when we got back.
You could maybe have a small meal for family - but if you end up spending time making others happy you will end up being miserable.

CathyMoran

I know that there is a lot of pressure wbout who and should not be at the wedding - it is acceptable to have a small wedding even in Ireland so stick to your guns - we only had 15 people at ours and it was very intimate and lovely. I do think that if at all possible parents and siblings should be there but beyond that it is your own business. Good luck with your wedding.

John Mason

you can get married for €500 or less in ireland

registry office, immediate family only for dinner i.e. parents and siblings, party in the local afterwards

LegacyUser

It's your wedding OP. Yours and your partners.

Do what you want to do. Tell your mother to stop being selfish and if she interfers in your big day that you won't talk to her any more. You pay, you call the shots.

There is no such thing as a traditional Irish wedding any more.

People live together or have kids before being married. Both are no longer virgins. Many are outside of churches.

One of my mate's brothers and his wife are loaded. Earning well over €100k a year and they had a tiny wedding and invited just siblings and parents. Despite what they earn they couldn't justify spending a fortune on people they hardly ever see or care about who are just looking for a free day out.

Good luck!!

tinkerbell

OP, like everybody else said it's your wedding. Your mother is being the spoiled selfish brat, not you by saying those horrible things to you. Perhaps if you still want her at your wedding and you decide to have it abroad, just invite her along but if you can't pay for your parents to go, then they'll have to foot the bill. If they are insisting that they are paying for nothing then they don't have any say whatsoever in the wedding.

It's you and your fiance's day, nobody elses.

Faith, I can't believe how your poor bro got treated for his wedding, that he wasn't able to invite all his friends. No offence, but your mom I think was out of order insisting on inviting the 14 relatives AND 20 invites for her friends. Regardless of if she's paying for it or not, that's very selfish considering your bro couldn't invite all his friends as a result.

Weddings should be seen as such a happy time but they actually tend to bring out the worst in people as well. Bridezillas, family squabbling over the guest list, the seating chart, presents, day of the week it's on, financial arguments. You just need to ignore all that crap and focus on what's important - you and your DF getting married and starting a new life together.

Oh and CONGRATS on getting engaged!!!

Faith

tinkerbell wrote: »

Faith, I can't believe how your poor bro got treated for his wedding, that he wasn't able to invite all his friends. No offence, but your mom I think was out of order insisting on inviting the 14 relatives AND 20 invites for her friends. Regardless of if she's paying for it or not, that's very selfish considering your bro couldn't invite all his friends as a result.

I know, I was aghast (hence my decision to get married abroad). Apparently it's a very Irish thing though, and my mum claimed her friends would be insulted if they weren't invited. I've seen my parents get invited to all sorts of random weddings, children of friends etc, so I guess it's a common attitude. I think it lends itself very much to how weddings get out of control here, so I can completely understand why the OP just wants to elope.

Toots

Faith wrote: »

I know, I was aghast (hence my decision to get married abroad). Apparently it's a very Irish thing though, and my mum claimed her friends would be insulted if they weren't invited.

I think I must be very lucky with my parents!! They're paying for my wedding, and I said to them they could invite whatever friends they wanted (in fairness I know most of their friends very well and would be delighted to have them there) and they were shocked that I'd even suggest it! I'm trying to convince them to at least invite a few friends to the afters!

Myself and my OH have made a rule for our wedding: anyone who's going on the guestlist has to be known to both of us. Neither of us want to be introduced to anyone for the first time on our wedding day.

niceoneted

Toots I think that is an excellent rule. I recently did not attend a wedding of a friend as I had made several attempts to meet her now husband but to no avail and I felt that I am not going to the wedding of someone I didn't know.

Xiney

It's your wedding.

Also, your mother, who has refused to help out financially (which is her right of course) feels that she has the right to dictate anything about your wedding?

Ah, no. I'd put a stop to that kind of thinking before you have kids anyway (if that's in the cards at all)

babaloushka

Weddings aren't just expensive for the bride and groom - when you factor in a day off work, new outfits, a present (usually money) and drinks, taxis, babysitters etc it can all mount up for guests too. Not everyone WANTS to be invited to weddings as a result, so you might find that a lot of people are actually relieved if you have a small or away wedding.
If you don't want to elope, a church or registry office wedding and maybe a pub party is a great idea and far less stressful. If there are some trimmings that you really want, like photos, a cake, a disco or a video - even a dress - they would make an ideal present for one of your handy/talented guests or relations to provide.

Oh The Humanity

Don't bend to your Mothers will. She called you selfish and spoilt, from your posts you don't sound any such thing.

Think about this. You don't want any hoopla.

She is not contributing any money, which is fair enough but why are you letting her have a say at all?

Some people will never be pleased. So I really think you should ignore her and go away with your fiance, just the two of you.

What will happen if you compromise and try to have a small day here by the sounds of things is she will ruin even that on you.

And then you will have put yourself through the whole palaver for nothing.

Simply go away, if she wants to come let her. If not see ya later.

LegacyUser

Your mother should be ashamed. She is being totally selfish, and she has the nerve to accuse you of being self centred? A bit of advice from someone who bowed to parental wishes, DO WHAT YOU WANT. My wedding was everything I didn't want, thanks to interfering parents. Mother got her wishes, and invites for all the friends she wanted. I wanted to go away for the very same reason as you(finances) Now she believes she can influence all my life decisions and it's ruined my marriage, my husband refuses to visit my parents now. The wedding is one day, and the memories should be the ones you want, not the ones your mother wants.

dollydishmop

Xiney wrote: »

It's your wedding.

Also, your mother, who has refused to help out financially (which is her right of course) feels that she has the right to dictate anything about your wedding?

Couldn't have said that better myself!

Hubby & I got married last year, on a total shoestring budget....by choice. We could have borrowed money, and blown it (in our opinion), but we chose not to, and chose instead to channel our funds into more important stuff (in our opinion) like our home & hobbies.

All in all, we spent around €500, and the biggest chunk was spent on our rings....registry office, hired suit, with a lot of patience I found my dream dress on eBay (went to all the expensive shops in Dublin and *found* the dress I wanted, then gave myself plenty of time to wait for the same model to come up on eBay for a fraction of the price ). My shoes were €5 in a local shoe shop sale, ivory ballet pumps...I'm not into shoes, and I'll never wear them again so seemed stupid to spend lots of money on them. My jewellery (necklace & earrings) were a gift from a friend, and my hair was done by my best mate, and my make-up was done by my sis-in-law (trained beautician). 10 of us in total, we went out to dinner in the evening. Everyone in the party of 10 had their own cameras, and we all pooled our photos together after the event.

And then my friends surprised us completely by throwing a huge surprise party for us the following night (we thought we were going out to dinner again!)

We both agreed that we wouldn't have wanted it any other way!

Its YOUR day, do what YOU & prospective HUBBY want to do!

LegacyUser

My wedding was dictated by my in-laws. We cancelled our original plans lost deposits and everything. Re-scheduled the whole thing the way they wanted.

Personally I think its none of their business and if its too much hassle get married in a registry office and tell nobody.

When it dies down you can have a church blessing and a knees up if you want but only on your terms.

Thats my 10cents.

LegacyUser

I'm just back from a wedding in Europe - an Irish couple.
It was incredible. They spent maybe 10,000eur and got a lot for it.And the main reason they went abroad? To avoid having to invite over a hundred friends and associates of their parents.BEFORE their own friends and family were on the list.
There were about 70 or so people - close family and friends - at the wedding.It was an fantastic few days.
It's your wedding, do what you want. Go abroad, even just in Europe. Have it in the middle of the week, when people would have to take off 3 or 4 days from work. Trust me, you'll find out pretty quick who really wants to come!! And you'll get fairly good value for money too.

SparkyLarks

There is no need to spend much on a wedding if you don't want to.

If you do want the big wedding, you can save in lots of places as stated earlier.
and you can ask for Cash. I did that and it paid for my wedding. I now only give cash when I go to a wedding, basicially I work out the cost of inviting me to the wedding and add in about 50 quid

Or you can go non traditional
Why not have huge party in your house, a BBQ maybe

Or have a small wedding ceremony, maybe lunch at a resturant and then
have a one plate dinner at 7ish followed by a band. I did that and it worked out very well

Or have a big wedding but just have one course and wedding cake, and tell people what you planning.

But basicially try to sit down and figure out what you want out of the day and then see how you make that happen. But there are loads of ways to celebrate getting married and there is no right or wrong way

waves

Unregistered wrote: »

There were about 70 or so people - close family and friends - at the wedding.It was an fantastic few days.
It's your wedding, do what you want. Go abroad, even just in Europe. Have it in the middle of the week, when people would have to take off 3 or 4 days from work. Trust me, you'll find out pretty quick who really wants to come!! And you'll get fairly good value for money too.

70 people x €500 at least (flights, present, stag and accomodation) = €35,000 being spent by your guests. While the bride and groom get good value, the guests are paying for it.

Midweek would suit me as I work for myself but for people with only 20 days holidays, that's a big ask.

"but it'll be a holiday for you" - I like to choose the destinations of my holidays.

OP, do what you want to do. There are lots of people who do. I can barely remember any of the big weddings I have been to but I do remember the small intimate ones - no one really cares about the flowers or the champagne reception or what the hors d'ouevres are. They care about having a nice day out with friends and people they like.