Wife has no interest in sex

LegacyUser

We have been married for the last few years. We have a 3 year old. Ever since my wife had our child she has gone off sex. The sad part is that the only time she was really interested was when we were trying for a baby. When she was pregnant it was a big no no. Things have not changed a few years down the road. Sex once a month if i am lucky. Even when we do have sex i feel like i am the only one trying. My wife just lies there saying nothing.

I know part of the issue is that we never have time for ourselves anymore. We dont have anybody to look after the baby, even my wife's sister who is her godmother has never offered to look after our baby for even an hour or so while we get to do something together.The truly sad part is she doesnt know our child yet she has load of time for her partners side of the family. That is another issue. My wife gets very stressed easily so it is like walking on egg shells sometimes. She seems to be getting broody for baby number 2 but i dont to have another child as we need to sort out things first.

I dont know what to do. I work fulltime, make dinner most nights, put the baby to sleep, do my fair share of choirs but nothing ever changes. I have had countless talks with my wife and things are fine for a while but then they slip back into the old routine. I really love my wife and things are great apart from our non existant sex life.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

It sounds like your wife has just lost confidence in her sexual self and that the romance/spark has been temporarily lost....

How often do you compliment your wife? Maybe compliment her more, tell her how sexy you think she is. Get her confidence up if it's the case she lost some.

Start making time for yourselves as a couple again and go out for a nice meal as a start. Even for a walk, just something to get yourselves on your own - it doesn't have to go back to the bedroom.

Find yourself a local babysitter - if you live on a housing estate it shouldn't be too hard to find a responsible babysitter. Even if not, ask around in the area, at the local shops or even put up an ad.

Has she discussed with you what has been stressing her out?

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

We have been married for the last few years. We have a 3 year old. Ever since my wife had our child she has gone off sex. The sad part is that the only time she was really interested was when we were trying for a baby. When she was pregnant it was a big no no. Things have not changed a few years down the road. Sex once a month if i am lucky. Even when we do have sex i feel like i am the only one trying. My wife just lies there saying nothing.

So it was the same before you were trying for a kid? There was no interest in sex?

Sorry to be harsh, OP, but why did you think that would magically change? It sounds like your wife just has a low sex drive, or naturally is uninterested.

You need to discuss it with her, tell her it's a serious problem for you and you want to take steps to resolve it. She may just get defensive and tell you to stop being selfish, etc etc etc... In fact I'd bet money that's what she'll do.

Unfortunately, if your wife is naturally not a very sexual person, that's not likely to change unless SHE wants it to. All you can do is talk to her about it and hope she makes an effort for you.

LegacyUser

op. i feel ur frustration. my wife is the same and we have a few kids. the most infuriating thing is that she is wanting to have another kid. she wont want sex for months on end. she knows i am incredibly frustrated but because we might decide to go for another kid she will have sex. now call me selfish but thats a crock. we have discussed it and i have aired my point on this. now how can any female justify this carry on. is sex just a procreational tool.

i then see on tons of threads about guys getting frustrated with their other half's re their low libido and a big proportion of responses are "are they being complimented enough, their lack of confidence in themselves, emotional connections etc.etc "
funny how they get over it to "try for another kid"

are there any wive's or GF's who can rationalize this ?

Taltos

I am with shellyboo here.
From what you briefly said it seems she was only interested in sex when you were trying for a child.

You really need to talk to her and find out what is really going on.
ie.
a) does she just see you as the sperm donor and provider for your child
b) does she see you as an attractive partner she wants to be with
c) could it be that she has indeed lost confidence, not sure if I can buy that with the little you have written
d) maybe she just has an extremely low sex drive and is more into being a mother
e) maybe for her just affection etc is enough and she dislikes sex
etc
etc
etc

So you can see you really do need to talk calmly and openly to her and get to the root of your issues.

Best of luck.

Ellsbells

Unregistered wrote: »

I know part of the issue is that we never have time for ourselves anymore. We dont have anybody to look after the baby, even my wife's sister who is her godmother has never offered to look after our baby for even an hour or so while we get to do something together.The truly sad part is she doesnt know our child yet she has load of time for her partners side of the family. That is another issue.

You make them, you mind them.

Its not the Godmothers job to look afte your child - go hire and pay for a babysitter if you want to go out.

Toots

Unregistered wrote: »

op. i feel ur frustration. my wife is the same and we have a few kids. the most infuriating thing is that she is wanting to have another kid. she wont want sex for months on end. she knows i am incredibly frustrated but because we might decide to go for another kid she will have sex. now call me selfish but thats a crock. we have discussed it and i have aired my point on this. now how can any female justify this carry on. is sex just a procreational tool.

i then see on tons of threads about guys getting frustrated with their other half's re their low libido and a big proportion of responses are "are they being complimented enough, their lack of confidence in themselves, emotional connections etc.etc "
funny how they get over it to "try for another kid"

are there any wive's or GF's who can rationalize this ?

I'm prepared to be slated for saying this, but I'm a GF, soon to be wife, and I totally agree with this. Personally a big part of a relationship is sexual compatability. If one of you is like a duracell bunny, and the other is a 'once every couple of months' person, then you're going to run into trouble. I think in some cases, the whole 'compliment them, make them feel special' is a crock too. I have virtually zero self confidence in the way I look, honestly sometimes I wonder exactly what my fiancé finds attractive about me physically, but it doesn't affect my sex drive.

Now I'm not saying that effort isn't required on both sides. However, surely in a normal happy relationship, each partner should make the other feel special anyway, they shouldn't have to go out on a limb just to make them want to have sex with you. Now if your wife is neglected, then it stands to reason that she might not want to have sex. Now in saying this, I'm making the assumption that you do make her feel special, and don't neglect the emotional side of your relationship.

You really need to talk to her and find out what is really going on.
ie.
a) does she just see you as the sperm donor and provider for your child
b) does she see you as an attractive partner she wants to be with
c) could it be that she has indeed lost confidence, not sure if I can buy that with the little you have written
d) maybe she just has an extremely low sex drive and is more into being a mother
e) maybe for her just affection etc is enough and she dislikes sex

+1 if you can't reach a solution together, it might be an idea to see a marriage counsellor. Either way, I definitely wouldn't go down the route of planning another child until you get this issue sorted out, and things are ok between you for a good while.

LegacyUser

ellsbells i know our responsibilities. The reason why i said this is she has time for other family members but not with our child. Call me old fashioned but i think its important to have a relationship with your extended family.

Maybe my wife has a low sex drive i dont know. Before i met her she was in a ****ty relationship for a few years and it ended badly. I know we just need to talk and talk. Yes i dont think having a second child is going to happen unless things change. Thank you for the constructive advice.

I dont neglect my wife, i try and help her as much as i can. Maybe we just not sexually compatible but i am not going to break up my family because of that. We have talked about going to a marriage counsellor to get to the root of our issues.

Toots

Unregistered wrote: »

Call me old fashioned but i think its important to have a relationship with your extended family.

I agree it's important, but for the moment, focus on sorting things with your wife. You never know, once you do, the rest might just fall into place of it's own accord.

Maybe my wife has a low sex drive i dont know. Before i met her she was in a ****ty relationship for a few years and it ended badly. I know we just need to talk and talk. Yes i dont think having a second child is going to happen unless things change. Thank you for the constructive advice.

OK, well there's a difference between a low sex drive and no sex drive. If her sex drive is just lower than yours, you can work with that. Both of you will need to make the effort though; she'll need to be up for sex more than she currently is, and you might have to be prepared for a little more DIY than you'd ideally like, but you can work with that.

Personally, I don't see how being in a 'sh!tty' relationship would decrease her sex drive, but how bad was it? Are we talking abuse here, or just not a great relationship? If it's the former, then she should definitely see a counsellor to work through any issues she's carrying from this relationship, because they'll affect more than just her sex life. How long was it after this relationship ended that the two of you met and got married?

I dont neglect my wife, i try and help her as much as i can.

Helping out is great, but is there actually any romance in your relationship or are ye more like friends minding a child together? I'm not jumping on the 'flowers and chocolates' bandwagon here, but maybe put the kid to bed early once in a while and have dinner with candles and a bottle of wine, if you don't do this already. It'd be a step in the right direction.

Maybe we just not sexually compatible but i am not going to break up my family because of that. We have talked about going to a marriage counsellor to get to the root of our issues.

You're definitely doing the right thing here. Once you figure out why she's not interested in sex, then you can go about finding a solution that you're both comfortable with. Best of luck to you both.

Ellsbells

Unregistered wrote: »

ellsbells i know our responsibilities. The reason why i said this is she has time for other family members but not with our child. Call me old fashioned but i think its important to have a relationship with your extended family.

Of course but she is not at the root of your problems here... Is your child well behaved cos I tend to dodge my friends with bold kids.

Organise child care and bing your wife away for a night to a hotel. Surprise her - spa treatments, dinner, drinks etc and seduce her. There are 2 sides to every story here.

LegacyUser

Been down this road. Got 5 kids and seen this several times.
Having a kid is at once a great and a traumatic event for a woman. It changes their lives completely and introduces new workload, fears (for herself and your child), hormones and insecurities. She may loose confidence in her looks. She needs you to completely take your eyes off yourself and to make her the most important thing in her life for as long as it takes and even then why quit or you'll wind up back where you are.

Might help to approach it kind of like trying to get the girl all over again. Keep it fresh, make her laugh, do all the little things that she likes. In short it doesn't matter what her mind says to her(women aren't wired that way and yes there is a difference), her heart and her emotions must tell her that you love her unconditionally and that she can trust you. Then get ready for the time of your life.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe my wife has a low sex drive i dont know.

All other advice beside - this one sentence spoke volumes to me.
You should know this - and you should know it without even having to ask.

The fact that you do not concerns me. Please go and seek couples advice together before it is too late. Just let her know that you want to work on all aspects of your relationship and you think you need advice to do this, don't force of bully her into going - this is one of those things that if it is to be totally positive has to be a joint decision. ie you are NOT just going to talk about having a sex life - but you want to work on all aspects of your marriage.

You both need to learn how to openly and honestly communicate with each other so just be frank and admit you need help doing this.

shellyboo

Taltos wrote: »

All other advice beside - this one sentence spoke volumes to me.
You should know this - and you should know it without even having to ask.

Completely. I have no idea how you'd end up married to someone without knowing what their appetite for sex is, and if it's compatible with yours - unless you guys abstained before marriage.

This is really something you should know about your partner - some serious communication is needed here if this is going to be resolved.

LegacyUser

When i mentioned that i dont know if my wife has a low sex drive, it may have been misleading. There is just a number of important factors which are contributing to it.

Before the pregnancy we had an average sex life. Now i will take on board the great suggestions on wooing my wife so to speak. I just wanted to get a womans opinion on this and the advice has been great and im sure we can move forward. We need to communicate better as i think somewhere after we had our baby we lost focus on our relationship.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

When i mentioned that i dont know if my wife has a low sex drive, it may have been misleading. There is just a number of important factors which are contributing to it.

Before the pregnancy we had an average sex life. Now i will take on board the great suggestions on wooing my wife so to speak. I just wanted to get a womans opinion on this and the advice has been great and im sure we can move forward. We need to communicate better as i think somewhere after we had our baby we lost focus on our relationship.

Agree entirely. No one can tell the whole story of a relationship in one post. It's complicated. So get back to talking and communicating and telling her how and why you feel like you do. Listen to her. Go through it all, every single bit of it.

Women sometimes have low drive but it also happens to a lot of guys - so people need to remember this.

Women can also sometimes use sex as a control mechanism, though not always consciously. I'm not saying it is hapening here... but it happens :rolleyes:

All the best !

LegacyUser

there is a big difference in the physical relationship pre & post baby. no doubt.
but another aspect i feel is a bit contradictory is the whole "get back to candle light dinners pursuit of the female making her feel the hugely special one"
The thing is if I were of the previous generation of dad ( who actually did shag all, no nappies, no real relationship with young kids, etc.etc ) I would totally accept the candle light dinner argument. but i am the modern dad who did & does the "fair share"

when will mothers step up to the physical relationship plate ????

scanlas

There is one other possibility that I don't think has been mentioned yet.
Maybe she doesn't find you sexually attractive.

I would have her take a blood test. Maybe her testosterone levels are low, a simple testosterone patch could be all she needs.

LegacyUser

I thought I was the only one having this kind of problem, I have to tell you my friend you are in a deep sh....t, couse I had a same problem and it and it up pretty badly, you know what more you try more it will go to point of no return, so you better of just live it as it is, she may come around one day, but don’t hold your breath, I think you are in a stage that she will start looking for excuses to fight with you, this is their way to get you where they want, and finally you will see her sucking someone else c....k, sorry to say this but thats how its ends, there is no fix or no going back, she has done with you and thats the end of it, if you dig deep enough you will find they just follow their animal instincts, you have complete you mission, and now she has to find someone else to do the same damn thing, its not because low sex drive or low self a steam or any crap like that, it just because she is a women, and you are a man, that about all.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

i am the modern dad who did & does the "fair share"

That's great for your family life but doesn't automatically make you sexually attractive or increase her libido.

Unregistered wrote: »

when will mothers step up to the physical relationship plate ????

My partner and I had a conversation fairly early in our relationship (instigated by me) where we discussed how often would feel "normal" for us. It's not carved in stone years later but we have a very happy sex-life and would have no problems bringing up an issue if something was on our minds.

Sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship ... and yet people are so reluctant to talk about it.

cat_rant

Unregistered wrote: »

op. i feel ur frustration. my wife is the same and we have a few kids. the most infuriating thing is that she is wanting to have another kid. she wont want sex for months on end. she knows i am incredibly frustrated but because we might decide to go for another kid she will have sex. now call me selfish but thats a crock. we have discussed it and i have aired my point on this. now how can any female justify this carry on. is sex just a procreational tool.

i then see on tons of threads about guys getting frustrated with their other half's re their low libido and a big proportion of responses are "are they being complimented enough, their lack of confidence in themselves, emotional connections etc.etc "
funny how they get over it to "try for another kid"

are there any wive's or GF's who can rationalize this ?

Hi poster,

I have to say, the way you have worded this has really gotten my back up but I will not have a knee jerk reaction any try to responde in a calm and collected manor. Something that really affects women and their love life is shock horror hormones :eek:! That Sex once a month thing - time it and see of she is ovulating... then you will know weather or not she is ticking to the rythm of the procreation clock. Procreation is the first principal of sex and you should respect that.

If this is how you speak on this topic I am unsuprised about your lack of success in this area.