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Crossing a line?

  • 26-07-2009 12:24pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi I'm in a long distance relationship (almost two years both 23). I have a close male friend who I some times go to gigs with. I have known him and become good friends with him after my boyfriend and I started dating. I live close to a good gig venue and there is no living room in my flat. Is it really disrespectful to my boyfriend if this guy stays in my room?. Sometimes when a gig finishes there isn't any easy way for him to get home. Recently he crashed on the floor but we stayed up talking for ages. Then at about 6 am we started watching a movie and fell asleep on the bed on separate sides and never once even touched off each other. I love my boyfriend and there's nothing 'going on' with this male friend. We just get on really well. There's no touchy feely stuff...not even hugs or anything. Is this still crossing a line in most people's views of a relationship?.


Comments

  • #2
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    The thing about relationships is, every one of them has the line in a different place.
    Some people will be okay with it, some won't. Regardless of what people say here, they're not who you're going out with.
    The opinion that matters really is that of your boyfriend, he may think it's grand and have female friends that sleep over in his bed, or he may think it's out of order and be very uncomfortable, so really, you need to discuss it with him honestly.


  • #3
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    Would you be ok with him doing this with a female friend?

    I think you need to clear it with him and see what his opinion is of it. If you need to keep it a secret then its something wrong. Its easier to have it all cut and dried cos maybe sometime he stays over and sees guys hair on the pillow...


  • #4
    thefeatheredcat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    OP,

    as long as both you and your friend know exactly where you stand on your friendship and you're comfortable with your friend staying over, there shouldn't be a problem. I assume if you had other friends/family members they would do the same if stuck for somewhere to stay.

    If you're asking the question then it appears to me that you have doubts... and if you have doubts then maybe you shouldn't make a habit of it.

    However, if your boyfriend isn't aware of this he could perceive the situation to be more intimate (it's a bedroom afterall - a place to sleep and have some intimacy) than it appears.

    If you feel you are crossing a line or uncomfortable about the situation, is there an alternative place for your friend to stay? Maybe make your feelings known to him?

    As for boyfriend... he may be ok with it, may not see an issue, or be upset over it, but it's a conversation you need to have with him, should you think this to be an issue. I'm sure that he wouldn't want to get the wrong idea or be suspicious as a LD relationship is built on trust and honesty.

    On the flip side, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?


  • #5
    Liam Byrne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,163 ✭✭✭✭Liam Byrne


    Silverfish said "in his bed", while the OP said "in my room".....in my book, there's a difference.

    The OP's room issue I wouldn't have a problem with; but as others have said, different strokes for different folks.

    I'd like to trust someone (either someone I'm seeing or whoever's staying over) and I'd return the favour.

    But if someone then broke that trust, there's NO comeback WHATSOEVER......instant out-the-door. And I wouldn't expect anyone to be OK with something that - if the roles were reversed - I wouldn't be OK with.


  • #6
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Liam Byrne wrote: »
    Silverfish said "in his bed", while the OP said "in my room".....in my book, there's a difference.

    The OP's room issue I wouldn't have a problem with; but as others have said, different strokes for different folks.

    I'd like to trust someone (either someone I'm seeing or whoever's staying over) and I'd return the favour.

    But if someone then broke that trust, there's NO comeback WHATSOEVER......instant out-the-door. And I wouldn't expect anyone to be OK with something that - if the roles were reversed - I wouldn't be OK with.

    She said he slept in the bed on one occasion at least.


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  • #7
    shellyboo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    I wouldn't be ok with it.

    There are two questions you need to ask: Would you be ok with your boyfriend sharing a bed with a platonic female friend? If the answer is no, you're disrespecting him by doing the same.

    The second question is to your boyfriend: "Sometimes when I go to a gig with John, it's too late for him to get home. Would you be ok with him staying in my house sometimes? Is it ok if he shares my bed?"

    If your boyfriend says no, then don't do it.


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