Afraid to act like a lad??? I suppose I am

gwjones42

This is long I know so apologies in advance. Any advice much appreciated though.

To put the thread in context: I'm a 26 year old lad who broke up with my gf a while ago and am happy enough being single, in-so-far as I don't feel I need to be in a r/ship with someone all the time.

The reason for the post is that I've little or no male friends to spend time with while being single.....(or when in a r/ship for that matter).

Basically, my problem is that I get nervous about spending time with other lads. I'm not effiminite by any means, however I just can't seem to fit in with them. I reckon it stems from being bullied pretty badly in school. A lot of the other lads in my school were "tough". I wasn't and was an easy target......in fact I was the only target that I knew at the time. I dealt with the problems by withdrawing into myself and started avoiding all lads...not just rough ones, as I suppose I got the impression that there was an acceptable way of acting that matches what a lad should do and that my way of acting wasn't it....after all, why was I the only one being bullied? The result of this is that I'm now 26 and have no real mates. I have lots of acquaintances and as far as most of them are concerned, I have lots of close friends in other groups that they just don't know. The truth however is that I have spent my life avoiding the things that make me scared. I haven't joined teams, I didn't hang around in a gang of mates etc.. and now I find myself not surprisingly with none.

I know I really should have toughend up and dealt with the bullies when I was younger to avoid the problems I'm experiencing now but I was too afraid then and that fear hasn't gone away.

Just one example of how this problem is affecting me may sound trivial, but it's bothered me for years. In school the pressure I felt when playing football with the lads I had problems with used to terrify me. Now even as an adult I avoid playing football as I'm afraid of letting the team down and being abused or excluded......so in effect I exclude myself. The mad thing is that I really like football! Similar problems exist with drinking in the pub, any other competitive sports, "banter" etc... I take things seriously that other lads consider as fun.

I'm friendly and outgoing on the surface, so no-one really gets to see my weird problems. I'm just sick of avoiding things out of fear. I've heard the "Face-your-Fear" arguments and agree with them.....the only problem is that I haven't been able to bring myslef around to the idea of doing it and sticking with it.

Tell me to cop on, or to grow a pair of balls if that's really what's needed or suggest what you think I should do to get over myself. I'd appreciate it a lot!

Thanks

P.S. I'm a teacher now and go crazy when I hear about children in my school being bullied....yet am still affectd by it myself...

LegacyUser

Hi OP!

I dont think you need to be told grow a pair for a start! The bullying obviously had some serious effects that have lasted and its nothing to be ashamend of! Sounds to me like you need to give yourself a break, your very hard on yourself. Secondly maybe you should brave it and try a game of football with the lads for a start..I mean if its just a kick about with the lads your not going to let anyone down really are ye? its not the world cup and anyways you'd probably play better then half the irish squad!! hah!!! it sounds to me you still believe the crap the bullies gave you but to be fair bullies are all brave when they are in a big gang, and its easy to single out one person and put them through hell! But unless you start putting yourself out there and try having a laugh you'll never make any real friends you know? to be fair you cant make your situation worse by giving it a go now can you! good luck!

Sysiphus

Gw,

I'm 39 going on 40. when I was in primary from 5 up I was bullied by everybody, including one or two teachers. My parents in their wisdom sent me to a CBS school figuring it would be easier as they expected the bullies to go to the Comp around the corner..... Guess where the went! Word got around.... I was a 5th / 6th year being bullied by 3rd years!

So much so that my best friend at the time kicked me in the shins not to get beaten up (on that ocasion!)

I do not mean this to be a "Me Too" post, I just want to give a context, and and empathetic ear.

I do not / nor have ever been "Sporty", I later tried buying them off (with money that was not mine....Child shrink, and loss of other friends!)

while in school I was in and Organisation (First Aid) where I was pretty much treated the same as in school by peers (and girls) I was never "in the clique",

I did, however, come out of it with two very close friends (still their today! Why.. I don't know!)

I could go on with other examples of how I was isolated etc, when I moved to Cork and came back to Dublin after 8 years etc....


Suffice it to say I know how you feel.

I would ask you this question, do you have any close friends? if you have one or two, thats plenty, most people have lots of aquaintences, but few friends. The lads who bullied you and harrased you are the same, they will be a gang, but who could they trust not to shop or shiv them (I always like to imagine my bullies now in prison...). Sports are not the be all and end all, listen to the news catch a little bit of the sports news, drop in a reference in the pub.

You don't need to "act like a lad", if by that you mean become the knuckle draging, mouth breather.....

By your post you are articulate and intelligent, what are your interests? Find clubs and groups of like minded people, they will not judge you by the power of your kick (ball or balls).

When in the pub my conversation, casual that is usually included Quantum Physics, Flann O'Brien, american Foreign Policy, Religion and this was with people I had never met..... don't always be worried about Casual Conversation, time it right, REALLY get something wrong (on purpose), get a laugh, I made the mistake of thinking that if I wasn't the center I was excluded, but there's no harm being an electron sometimes! It's when you try to force yourself into the center all the time, thats when you will get excluded.


The bottom line is, you don't need to grow a set of ball or toughen up, find people that match you, don't try to change to suit a group that will never "be you"

as for being bullied as an adult today, it happens to us all, just don't be a victim. You obviously have the language skills.....think smart act smart. Don't dumb youself down on the account of the surrounding troglodytes.

as an educator I'm sure you were trained in how to deal with kids who come to you with this issue. I'm sure as an adult the advice is the same (bar telling your parents and principle!)

gwjones42

Thanks for that Sysiphus, you raised some very valid points...and interesting topics for conversation!!

I should have made it clearer in the original post that in no way do I aspire to act like the guys I had problems with....a**holes that they are.

The crux of the issue is that by remaining affected by those lads, I shyed away from the more normal development that most lads go through and now find "normal" activities with "normal" people intimidating.

That doesn't detract from many of your points though, so I will think about it.

Thanks again

Sysiphus

Thanks for that Sysiphus, you raised some very valid points...and interesting topics for conversation!!

I should have made it clearer in the original post that in no way do I aspire to act like the guys I had problems with....a**holes that they are.

The crux of the issue is that by remaining affected by those lads, I shyed away from the more normal development that most lads go through and now find "normal" activities with "normal" people intimidating.

That doesn't detract from many of your points though, so I will think about it.

Thanks again

What do you mean by "normal" development? I'll PM you....

gwjones42

No need for PM. By "normal development" I meant growing up within a circle (of any size) of friends and just being part of the group by having fun with them, getting into trouble (nothing serious!!), helping them, being helped etc...what teenagers do.

I spent most of my time by myself and tried to deal with my own issues by myself.

Sysiphus

The PM wasn't for you it was for me!!

"getting into trouble (nothing serious!!)" still sounds like you were hankering for the James Dean route.....

Sorry I don't mean to be facetious, but you seem to be judging yourself by the candle of others. From someone who's been (is) there, don't. If you continue to think that you can "fix" yourself, you continue to think "there's something wrong" with you when there isn't.

If you go clothes shopping and can't find the right shoes, is it beacuse
a) you have bizzare feet
b) you were in the wrong shops

I hate to be bland, but there are only so many personality types, we all fit one of them, we just need to find the group to whom we belong.

In my case it was the Nerdy, Sciencey, Prematurely Grumpy, Sport Hating, Chatterbox group.... It narrowed the field, but did not turn me into a singularity.....

gwjones42

Sysiphus wrote: »

The PM wasn't for you it was for me!!

"Apologies!! It is MY personal issue thread after all:D.

The James Deanish route as you call it might actually fit for what I've been trying to say. Trying to match that with my border-line nerdishness (I can't fully commit) was never going to be a good idea! I'm going to go off now and see just what categories (plural) I can fit myself into

Reflector

bullying is horrible,especially when you can't get away from it. sometimes kids will bully to avoid being the victim.
But I think you answered your own question, you need to make the effort. I have to say that I've always been pretty poor at Soccer, more of a rugby player and when we were younger it was made a big deal of. now as an adult I have played casually the odd time and it has been fine. Good atmosphere and no really big deal as the levels were all over the place. I'd suggest taking a risk and head down to one of those astroturf pitches and see whos playing. You'll get an idea of the skill level straight away and ask one of the lads do they need any players. A lot of these groups are professional lads just looking for a bit of fitness and usually have trouble with numbers as people tend to come and go.

LegacyUser

OP reading your post nearly made me cry it brought back so many feelings of my own which I don't like to acknoweledge.

I was bullied right the way through school by various people, I was the least popular kid in the school most of the time. I had few friends, was ridiculed and excluded on a daily basis, some kids seemed to make it their life's mission to make me miserable, a lot of kids saw me as someone to prove themselves with showing of in front of their friends in order to gain popularity and respect with their peers. I was altogether hated.

Although since I have left school I (nearly 10 years ago) have sorted myself out and gone to University and made real friends, I feel like I still carry a lot of that with me. I cannot for the life of me speak up in a group of more then about 3 or 4 people, I have a difficulty relating to other people if I'm honest, I am not the most sociable person and often try to avoid people. I don't have that many good friends as I don't let people in. These things bother me greatly and for years I tried to address them but I just can't do it, I'd love to be able to be myself around people all the time, be confident and open but I can't! I'm just to uptight and tense around people.

On the plus side I feel like I have benefited to some extent from this situation. I am a very fair and kind person, I wont' stand for other people being bullied or victimised. I am aware of how nasty people can be without realising it. This stage in my life also taught me to be independent and do my own thing instead of striving to be like 'the in crowd'. I think I a more a of a free thinker then other people are, more critical of what others accept (some would say cynical!).

I am sure you also have a positive side to what you experienced in school. It's made you the person you are today. And you don't sound to bad! I don't think you should force yourself to try to be something you're not just to fit in, try and do things you are interested in and meet people that ways, anyone that doesn't accept you forget them!

wylo

You have clearly established why you get all those feelings. So now its time to fix them. You have major self esteem and confidence issues that need to be dealt with, I suggest you either see a psychotherapist or at least buy a book or 2 on self confidence. And then work from there, push yourself further, go out of your comfort zone a little bit. If you dont address your own self esteem it will keep you unhappy the rest of your life, which is a bit of a waste isnt it???

gwjones42

wylo wrote: »

You have clearly established why you get all those feelings. So now its time to fix them. You have major self esteem and confidence issues that need to be dealt with, I suggest you either see a psychotherapist or at least buy a book or 2 on self confidence. And then work from there, push yourself further, go out of your comfort zone a little bit. If you dont address your own self esteem it will keep you unhappy the rest of your life, which is a bit of a waste isnt it???

Thanks for all the posts. I have to say that I wouldn't have ever dreamed of bringing this topic up anywhere other than boards as the range of views is very helpful. With ref to the above quote, It just about sums up what I say to myself after every time I feel down and it is a very logical view. However, the problems have always started for me whenever I've tried to implement any of the ideas I might have read in books.

The strange way in which boards allows a public opinion of this in a kind of private way is different from any book and I'm grateful for the difference that makes

wylo

Maybe you are looking for too much of an improvement too fast? i.e. you read a few chapters of a book, feel excited finding this new confidence and then get thrown back because it didnt work the way you thought it would? Im only guessing btw.

You should also look into self hypnosis, once you learn how to do it properly its free and fantastic. Again though, dont expect to turn into the perfect person from it, its a nice stepping stone though.
E.g.After a few weeks you might surprise yourself by having a bit of banter with a few lads or something and realise after , hey this is starting to work. just dont ease off from it because of one or 2 good experiences.

I believe its healthy to address the whole situation head on, almost as a challenge, easy for me to write that I know but if you dont try and address it like that you will keep staying in your comfort zone trying to ignore the problem.

I dont know if im allowed link to other sites but itd be a shame not to mention this link....http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewforum.php?f=19
Its a forum with really helpful people on it.