The survival guide for decent folk

Finnbar01

Ok, I read this a good while back. It's a survival guide on what to do if you find yourself on the wrong side of the law. It was written by an english copper, who unfortunately was outed by The Times and later received a written warning from his employer.

What do ye think?

A Survival Guide For Decent Folk

2008 July 24
by nightjack**04/08/08 Moderate Sarcasm Warning **

Paul has posted a number of lengthy replies on the “Modest Proposal” thread. In these days of us increasingly having to deal with law abiding folk who have fallen foul of the “entitled poor” and those who have learned how to use us to score points and exact revenge, I thought it would be a good idea to give out a bit of general guidance for those law abiding types who find themselves under suspicion or under arrest. It works for the bad guys so make it work for you.

Complain First

Always get your complaint in first, even if it is you who started it and you who were in the wrong. If things have gone awry and you suspect the cops are going to be called, get your retaliation in first. Ring the cops right away and allege for all you are worth. If you can work a racist or homophobic slant into it so much the better.

Make a counter allegation

Regardless of the facts, never let the other side be blameless. If they beat you to the phone, ring anyway and make a counter allegation against them. Again racism or homophobia are your friends. If you are not from a visible minority ethnic culture, may I suggest that that the phrase “You gay bastard” or similar is always useful. In extremis allege sexual assault. It gives us something to bargain with when getting the other person to drop their complaint on a quid-pro-quo basis. This is particularly good where there are no independent witnesses. When it boils down to one word against another and nobody is ‘fessing up, CPS run a mile and you, my friend, are definitely on a walk out

Never explain to the Police


If the Police arrive to lock you up, say nothing. You are a
person and you may think that reasoning with the Police will help. “If I can only explain, they will realise it is all a horrible mistake and go away”. Wrong. We do want to talk to you on tape in an interview room but that comes later. All you are doing by trying to explain is digging yourself further in. We call that stuff a significant statement and we love it. Decent folk can’t help themselves, they think that they can talk their way out. Wrong.

Admit Nothing

To do anything more than lock you up for a few hours we need to prove a case. The easiest route to that is your admission. Without it, our case may be a lot weaker, maybe not enough to charge you with. In any case, it is always worth finding out exactly how damning the evidence is before you fall on your sword. So don’t do the decent and honourable thing and admit what you have done. Don’t even deny it or try to give your side of the story. Just say nothing. No confession and CPS are on the back foot already. They forsee a trial. They fear a trial. They are looking for any excuse to send you home free.

Keep your mouth shut

Say as little as possible to us. At the custody office desk a Sergeant will ask you some questions. It is safe to answer these. For the rest of the time, say nothing.

Claim Suicidal Thoughts

A debatable one this. Claiming to be thinking about topping yourself has several benefits. If you can keep it up, it might just bump up any compensation payable later. On the other hand you may find yourself in a paper suit with someone watching your every move.

Always always always have a solicitor

Duh. No brainer this one. Unless you know 100% for sure that your mate the solicitor does criminal law and is good at it, ask for the Duty Solicitor. They certainly do criminal law and they are good at it. Then listen to what the solicitor says and do it. Their job is to get you off without the Cops or CPS laying a glove on you if at all possible. It is what they get paid for. They are free to you. There is no down side. Now decent folks think it makes them look like they have something to hide if they ask for a solicitor. Irrelevant. Going into an interview without a solicitor is like taking a walk in Tottenham with a big gold Rolex. Bad things are very likely to happen to you. I wouldn’t do it and I interview people for a living.

Actively complain about every officer and everything they do

Did they cuff you when they brought you in? Were they rude to you? Did they racially or homophobically abuse you? Didn’t get fed? Cell too cold? You are decent folk who don’t want to make a fuss but trust me, it pays to whinge and no matter how trivial and / or poorly founded your complaint there are people who will uncritically listen to you and try and prove the complaint on your behalf. Some of them are even police officers. Nothing like a complaint to muddy the waters and suggest that you are only in court because the vindictive Cops have a grudge against you. Far fetched? Wait until your solicitor spins it in court and you come over as Ghandi.

Show no respect to the legal system or anybody working in it

You think that if you are a difficult, unpleasant, sneering, unco-operative and rude things will go badly for you and you will be in more trouble. No sirree Bob. It seems that in fact the worse you are, the easier things will go for you if, horror of horrors, you do end up convicted. Remember to fake a drink problem if you haven’t developed one as a result of dealing with us already. Magistrates and Judges do seem to like the idea that you are basically good but the naughty alcohol made you do it. They treat you better. Crazy I know but true.

So there you go, basically anything you try and do because you are decent and staightforward hurts you badly. Act like an habitual, professional, lifestyle criminal and chances are you will walk away relatively unscathed. Copy the bad guys, its what they do for a living.

djtechnics1210

Is this a spoof?????????

Finnbar01

djtechnics1210 wrote: »

Is this a spoof?????????

No, did you not read the link I put in to The Times.

civdef

Cynical in the extreme, but it has an element of truth in it.

djtechnics1210

My apologies finbar, i didn't see the link to it in your post. Your right civdef There is an element of truth in it though

Finnbar01

djtechnics1210 wrote: »

My apologies finbar, i didn't see the link to it in your post. Your right civdef There is an element of truth in it though

That's okay, a neighbour of mine was having problems with some teenage scumbags harassing his family. I told him about the survival guide and he decided to do something about it as the guards often told him our hands are tied. He assaulted one of the thugs with a smack across the jaw and a boot up the hole. He called the Guards straight away and claimed he was the one that was assaulted. Anyhow, the guards came out to question him, they told him they were witnesses (scumbags) and he would be charged with assault but he just played dumb. A few days later, he was accosted by the 'mother' of said thug and he rang the guards saying he was called a gay bastard and he wanted her brought up for this. He kept ringing the guards about this and eventually after a couple of weeks they rang him back saying no charges would be brought against him. As for the scumbags; they go nowhere near now him.

Justice done.

Shield

Slightly amusing.

It's arguable whether you'd call it "Justice" or not though.

Finnbar01 wrote: »

That's okay, a neighbour of mine was having problems with some teenage scumbags harassing his family. I told him about the survival guide and he decided to do something about it as the guards often told him our hands are tied. He assaulted one of the thugs with a smack across the jaw and a boot up the hole. He called the Guards straight away and claimed he was the one that was assaulted. Anyhow, the guards came out to question him, they told him they were witnesses (scumbags) and he would be charged with assault but he just played dumb. A few days later, he was accosted by the 'mother' of said thug and he rang the guards saying he was called a gay bastard and he wanted her brought up for this. He kept ringing the guards about this and eventually after a couple of weeks they rang him back saying no charges would be brought against him. As for the scumbags; they go nowhere near now him.

Justice done.

Finnbar01

psni wrote: »

Slightly amusing.

What, the guide or my post?

psni wrote: »

It's arguable whether you'd call it "Justice" or not though.

So you say it's arguable but don't actually give us your side of the argument? :rolleyes:

What's to argue anyway. A friend of mine, threatened in his own home, trying to work hard, play fair and look after his family and he does the decent thing and stand up for himself and his family and you say: It's arguable whether you'd call it "Justice" or not though.

Shield

Finnbar01 wrote: »

What, the guide or my post?

The guide.

Finnbar01 wrote: »

So you say it's arguable but don't actually give us your side of the argument? :rolleyes:

You make it sound like I'm compelled to.

Finnbar01 wrote: »

What's to argue anyway. A friend of mine, threatened in his own home, trying to work hard, play fair and look after his family and he does the decent thing and stand up for himself and his family and you say: It's arguable whether you'd call it "Justice" or not though.

Taking the law into your own hands is called revenge. You will note there is no provision in Irish law for physical punishment as a form of justice.

Thanks for the guide.

Thread closed.