Do not want to live with my ex-partner - but want a child from him

LegacyUser

I ended our relationship with my partner 5 month ago. He is immature, very big selfish, wasn’t caring, loving and interesting in family plus was gambling and loosing a lot of money. It was very hard for me to live with him and when I was totally emotionally exhausted I insisted him to leave us.
I do not want to live with him but I am thinking to have child from him because I want my child to have a brother or sister from one father, and after I think want have children anymore or it will be very difficult to convince me on it.
Also I am worried that with two children it could be harder for me to find right men.
Everything is very risky, I do not want to risk anymore.
I do not know does anybody had similar situation or maybe have helpful advise , please write, because I do not know what is better will be for my child to have brother/sister from one father or from different.
Thank you!!!

Raskolnikov

Unregistered wrote: »

I ended our relationship with my partner 5 month ago. He is immature, very big selfish, wasn’t caring, loving and interesting in family plus was gambling and loosing a lot of money. It was very hard for me to live with him and when I was totally emotionally exhausted I insisted him to leave us.
I do not want to live with him but I am thinking to have child from him because I want my child to have a brother or sister from one father, and after I think want have children anymore or it will be very difficult to convince me on it.

Are you for real :eek:

Do you honestly want another child with a deadbeat father? Can you imagine how the kid is going to grow up having a father like that? Children end up with one-parent families all the time, but it's absolutely mad that you should condemn a kid to that sort of future before it's even conceived.

Ask any kid, they'd much rather have a half-brother or sister rather than a father who didn't love them.

beertons

You're kids will look up to him, is that what you want? How will he manage to pay maintenance?

LegacyUser

So this guy is immature, selfish, uncaring, uninterested in having a family and leaves you mentally exhausted but you want to have a child with him!?

I can't understand why you would want do that. He sounds like he would make an awful father plus it doesn't sound like he would be interested in having a child with you. Do you think he's be able to support the child financially with his gambling problem?

This guy does not sounds like he's make a good father at all. For god's sake try and find someone better to start a family with.

I grew up as an only child and, while I may have been a lonely at times, it wasn't all that bad. I was fine and your child will be too.

LegacyUser

I think why i want so because i very much want to have brother/sister for my child. I have a big fear that i am 30 years woman with a child and it will be difficult for me now,-first to meet right men, second to have a child or children together, i am afraid that it can take many years for finding,getting know each other... -i do not feel like going to pub and look at men like you are pr....
At start i was thinking the same, yes it is crazy idea to have another child from such men, but now i see how it is difficult for single people (but if you have a child???- it looks like impossible at all) to meet each other to get know each other, decide to have children now or not now... If it all will take many years?I do not know also would i wish to have a child in 40...it is look like i will have only one child.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

So this guy is immature, selfish, uncaring, uninterested in having a family and leaves you mentally exhausted but you want to have a child with him!?

I can't understand why you would want do that. He sounds like he would make an awful father plus it doesn't sound like he would be interested in having a child with you. Do you think he's be able to support the child financially with his gambling problem?

This guy does not sounds like he's make a good father at all. For god's sake try and find someone better to start a family with.

I grew up as an only child and, while I may have been a lonely at times, it wasn't all that bad. I was fine and your child will be too.

He is a kind of person that he can save money and after loose them all on these games. I do not know what is going to happened with his financial support in future, now he is paying his maintenance.
He always wanted tree children, but after one year when i sow that he is not that farther for my children what i was expected to have in my relationship, -i said to him no,- i am afraid to have more children with you.
Recently he came to charge where i go ( i always were going with my child alone, he never go with me), and apologise in front of all people, asked to forgive him and start all over again, so he will be very happy if i will say i wish another child with him. I forgave but said that anyway i do not want to be with you, just a lot of pain he caused by his ignorance to us.
My child always asking me for brother or sister, he is now feel lonely because he is getting older and see that other kids has brothers and sisters, also he is lonely because there are only two people in a house.

Thanks very much for your view

Nevyn

I understand you wanting to have another child and for both your children to have the same parents, I understand you wanting to have in some way the type of family you dreamed of but it is really fair on everyone invovled?

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

I understand you wanting to have another child and for both your children to have the same parents, I understand you wanting to have in some way the type of family you dreamed of but it is really fair on everyone invovled?

Yes, this is what i was dreamed about all my life, never tought that such situation can happened,

So you saying that i should not have another child with a partner if i do not want to live with him?

Nevyn

Is it fair?
Honestly, on yourself (in terms of having no support and doing it all on your own and the resentment that will bring),
your current child,
the possible child
and the children's father?
I assume that you are not going to get pregnant by him with out his consent.

LegacyUser

OP I don't think it's going to be any great hardship on your child being brought up alone, ideally it would be nice to have a brother or sister for them but it doesn't look like this is what's going to work out for them at the moment. It's not the end of the world. To be honest some children don't take to a brother or sister in the house anyway.

What would be a hardship on the child of if you had another child and the fathers wasn't preparred/able to support the child and they both had to go without things they need.

What would also be a hardship is having two people in the house who were only there for the sake of having an 'ideal' nuclear family, when in truth they didn't get on and didn't love each other.

Surely you can see this is not a good idea. You are only 30 that's still young in terms of meeting a potential life partner. Maybe you could meet someone else who has kids, they'd be more sympathetic to the idea of you having kids and there would be step kids for your child to be close to.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Is it fair?
Honestly, on yourself (in terms of having no support and doing it all on your own and the resentment that will bring),
your current child,
the possible child
and the children's father?
I assume that you are not going to get pregnant by him with out his consent.

Ofcourse it is unfair, i understand this and i have to think further what problems can i face by having another child with such a man...and will i have a forces to bring them up on my own... I was thinking if my mum will come she could be great help for me...

I am not goint to get pregnant without his consent, it is very bad, i can say him how i want it happened and he probably would say no like this way, but we can try to start all over again and in a while if everething will be ok like in 6 month or year we can have another child. But i do not believe that we will go ok with him if even he saying that he changed and became muture man, because we are totally different characters,we like different things, and we are not enjoing each other because no common intrests. So i think that if i will start to live with him again, we wont be happy anyway,sometime people just do not mutch or can not be mutch...

So it is look like if i did not have two children with him from the start, i should not try to have another child from him.

I just have the thoughts in my head that i would have better two children from one man then two from different men....also i do not know when i meet somebody with who i will build my family and will born a child, it could take many years...

70% i feel i should not to have a child with such unpredictable further, i just feel so sorry and guilt for my child....

Nevyn

There are plenty of happy children who are only children of lone parents.
The nuclear family is a nice dream but that is all it is a dream.

I think a happy lone parent and one happy child or a happy mother with a new partner and a happy blended family with a half sibling are better options then trying to settle back into an unhappy relationship and sticking it out thinking that havinging another child with the same man will make any difference.

The Big Red Button

Unregistered wrote: »

Also I am worried that with two children it could be harder for me to find right men.

:mad:

Christ.

For what it's worth, I think you having another child would be a huge mistake for all involved.

spurious

OP, while it's possible that your English may be stopping you explaining clearly what you want, I think it's best stick with the child you have and move on.

It's difficult but not impossible to meet someone as a single parent. Contacting your ex and either rekindling the relationship only to have it fail, or in some way getting him to father another child outside a relationship would really be a recipe for disaster.

tinkerbell

OP I think you are being very selfish here in wanting another child just for the sake of you needing two children from the same father. Why would you possibly want to have another child with an absolute waster of a guy who doesn't even give a crap about you or your child? There is nothing wrong with having one child in the family and having another for the reasons you've listed is just stupid.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

TBH I think you should focus yourself on finding a better relationship with someone who will love you and your child. And focus your energy on your existing child as it sounds like you've both been through a rough time.

Forget about this guy altogether and have him out of your and your child's life for good - even if you want another child from him - as there are far better men out there than that that you can have a stable and loving relationship with and in time, a brother/sister for your current child.

LegacyUser

spurious wrote: »

OP, while it's possible that your English may be stopping you explaining clearly what you want, I think it's best stick with the child you have and move on.

It's difficult but not impossible to meet someone as a single parent. Contacting your ex and either rekindling the relationship only to have it fail, or in some way getting him to father another child outside a relationship would really be a recipe for disaster.

I want sibling for my child, and i prefer to have another child from one farther (even if he want live with us),then to have half-sibling from another potential partner.I just have this idia and would like to share it with you because i do not want to make another mistake.

I do not mind very much potential partner, but when i think how many years it could take to find right man, may be i will be too old after to have a child.

Thank u for response,sorry for english...it is getting better ..

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP,

TBH I think you should focus yourself on finding a better relationship with someone who will love you and your child. And focus your energy on your existing child as it sounds like you've both been through a rough time.

Forget about this guy altogether and have him out of your and your child's life for good - even if you want another child from him - as there are far better men out there than that that you can have a stable and loving relationship with and in time, a brother/sister for your current child.

Thanks for your response, yes we are going trough very rough time that i never experienced before in my life....feel like i am lost and looking for way out...

It is easy to say a lot of better men around...i have two friends girls, they are single with children...one alone tree years, another two...when i see it, i am asking how long they are going to live like that and why better men do not approach them...

Would you hint please, where are they, where are better man walking ...? (joking).

thefeatheredcat

OP,

Have you discussed this with your ex? He may not want to father another child...may not be comfortable knowing he has a second child that he may not have anything to do with and could feel guilty of the consequences..

And even if he did, he could be prepared to clean up his act and be involved with both children.

I have nephews (3 years in difference of age) that are half brothers but nobody sees them as that, and they certainly see eachother as brothers, not step or half brothers.

The Big Red Button

Unregistered wrote: »

Would you hint please, where are they, where are better man walking ...? (joking).

Yes, you're joking, but seriously:
Are you financially dependent on your partner/future partner to support your child(ren)?

LegacyUser

chatterpillar wrote: »

Yes, you're joking, but seriously:
Are you financially dependent on your partner/future partner to support your child(ren)?

Before i was dependent on my partner and i do not see nothing wrong with it, but he was always manipulated by me because of that, so i had to became independent to stop him controlling my life.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP,

Have you discussed this with your ex? He may not want to father another child...may not be comfortable knowing he has a second child that he may not have anything to do with and could feel guilty of the consequences..

And even if he did, he could be prepared to clean up his act and be involved with both children.

I have nephews (3 years in difference of age) that are half brothers but nobody sees them as that, and they certainly see eachother as brothers, not step or half brothers.

Hi,there! No,i did not discussed this with expartner yet, and probably not going to do so...i think it is to risky to have child from him and grow them on my own....however it is still sad for me as i do not know when i will have another child, maybe never...everything in Jesus hands.

Thanks for your response very much, it took away some pressure from me.

LegacyUser

Just wish to thank all people who respond to me, i appreciate it!!! I do not think it is good idea for all of us.

thefeatheredcat

No worries OP!

It's a lovely idea for your child, but perhaps that's all it is. As for where the men are, I'm the last person to ask, but we can only live in hope Keep positive and you never know who you might meet. In the meantime, look after yourself and your child and work for a better future for yourselves.