Cheated on my gf

iamsoiam

hello all.

last week i went out with my mates and got hammered. a girl came on to me. i thought as i had a gf i would just flirt with her a little.things went too far and i after i had picked myself off the floor 2 or 3 times i ended up kissing her. instead of stopping, i thought 'the damage has been done now' and kept kissing her. the state of mind i was in i wouldve had sex with her too but didnt get the chance.thank god for that one tiny mercy because thats all it is, tiny, the intention was there so to me its more or less as bad.

the next day while still drunk i txt my gf and told her what i had done. she was devestated. not as much as me.for one, i had never done this before and could never have imagined doing this to anyone. i hate myself so much for doing it. thats not the worst part. the worst part is how ive made her feel.knowing that i put this on her makes me sick. i havent eaten properly since.

drink is not an excuse, i remember thinking 'the damage has been done now' so i was obviously thinking clearly.having said that it wouldnt have happened if i was sober.this is beside the point.

the point is i love my gf so much and am so crazy about her.ive destroyed what we had.i need to know from anyone, if you can help me please - i know im the lowest of the low and i detest myself, i cant even look in the mirror. what i need to know is how i can ever get my now ex gf to trust a man again, let alone me. i really wish this hadnt happened and id do anything to get her back. so is there anything i can do to 1-make her feel better. and 2- i know this is a longshot, take me back?

Silverfish

Tough situation, it's not an easy one.

How long were ye together?

Give her some time to come to terms with it, then maybe ask her to talk.

MrStuffins

iamsoiam wrote: »

hello all.

last week i went out with my mates and got hammered. a girl came on to me. i thought as i had a gf i would just flirt with her a little.things went too far and i after i had picked myself off the floor 2 or 3 times i ended up kissing her. instead of stopping, i thought 'the damage has been done now' and kept kissing her. the state of mind i was in i wouldve had sex with her too but didnt get the chance.thank god for that one tiny mercy because thats all it is, tiny, the intention was there so to me its more or less as bad.

the next day while still drunk i txt my gf and told her what i had done. she was devestated. not as much as me.for one, i had never done this before and could never have imagined doing this to anyone. i hate myself so much for doing it. thats not the worst part. the worst part is how ive made her feel.knowing that i put this on her makes me sick. i havent eaten properly since.

drink is not an excuse, i remember thinking 'the damage has been done now' so i was obviously thinking clearly.having said that it wouldnt have happened if i was sober.this is beside the point.

the point is i love my gf so much and am so crazy about her.ive destroyed what we had.i need to know from anyone, if you can help me please - i know im the lowest of the low and i detest myself, i cant even look in the mirror. what i need to know is how i can ever get my now ex gf to trust a man again, let alone me. i really wish this hadnt happened and id do anything to get her back. so is there anything i can do to 1-make her feel better. and 2- i know this is a longshot, take me back?

Dude, i feel ya!

You might get lashed here for cheating, but in fairness, you only kissed her. It's not the end of the world.

I think that it's good that you were honest with her and if anything that might help you, i know it sounds weird but it's true.

Time is a great healer, so try your best to make it up to her as much as you can. She may not want to see you for a while, but persist. If she loves you she'll come around. And eventually you guys will be ok.

I wish you the best of luck man!

iamsoiam

Silverfish wrote: »

Tough situation, it's not an easy one.

How long were ye together?

Give her some time to come to terms with it, then maybe ask her to talk.

together 7 months. i went to see her on wednesday to make sure she knew it wasnt her fault.she thought she wasnt good enough.how sickening. when i went to see her i never told her about the intent to have sex. but i phoned her this morning and told her. i was always 100% honest with her. i knew it would rip her apart.

during the week i decided the best thing to do was walk away.this would mean never hurting her with the intent part. buut i just cant let her go.she is everything to me. so i told myself if i was to stay with her (have any chane of even respecting myself again) i had to tell her.

rallye

Anything you say at the moment will have no effect other than her detesting you more.

Your best bet is too give her space so she can figure out what she wants, at the moment her head is all over the place.

Not many girls will take back a cheater and the ones that do will always have trust issues..

Rosita

The answers to the two questions depend on the nature of the relationship i.e. seriousness, age and maturity of the people involved, longevity of the relationship, emotional investment so far etc.

Suffice to say that people have come back from far worse.

Alcohol is a tricky issue. Some/most will be adamant that it is NO excuse EVER, but it is a mood altering substance and changes actions and attitudes.
It might not be acceptable as an excuse but surely is a reason for what happened.

That said, you still have to deal with the fact that it did happen, and the suggestion presented by this incident that you are vulnerable/unreliable with drink taken. Citing alcohol as a reason/excuse has that problem, unless you stop drinking (and I am not suggesting you have a drink problem, just putting the 'I was drunk' thing in context) who is to say it could/would not happen again?

Frankly, these sort of issues almost always have alcohol involved in this country so in that sense it is almost inadmissable in your defence as the majority of people going out will be blitzed reasonably regularly and will face the same weaknesses/temptations. If you intend to continue going down the road of expressing even your very thoughts to your girlfiriend in such an open and honest way, you will really need to consider if you should be taking on board substances which alter your mood/thinking/actions. Most people would get into bother in work/with friends/socially if they said everything they thought even when sober. Honesty can be a double -edged sword, but if you can keep the honesty while ensuring it is not kamikaze stuff for you to be honest you have it made. Do not be too convinced that your 'honesty' will outweigh the rest of the problem in this case.

And as for the 'dude, you only kissed her' line, well, (a) will she really believe that deep down and (b) beware of trying to argue on the matter of certain degrees of betrayal being acceptable - it will not go down well.

Finally, her taking you back is one thing. Her taking you back and things remaining business as usual is quite another.

Silverfish

Well look, fair play to you for being so honest, I'm sure in time she'll appreciate that.

The important thing is that she knows how you feel - but also that you know how she feels too - let her get angry and yell or cry.
Then really, give her some time to come to terms with it. Let her know that you feel that way about her, and how sorry you are and how much you regret it.

I will say though, I never really believe being drunk is a sufficient excuse. There's always still a little bit of reasoning there, and you weren't so drunk that you didn't remember what you did or what you were thinking. So maybe you need to look at that, and look at why you cheated.

Also, I've removed the thread tags, I think you're being to hard on yourself. You were also straight up and honest with her too, that's a good characteristic to have. However, if this happened last week, and you're still phoning her to give her details - well, I'd stop that asap. Remember, it's old news to you at this stage, but every further detail you give will be a new one to her.

iamsoiam

rallye wrote: »

Anything you say at the moment will have no effect other than her detesting you more.

Your best bet is too give her space so she can figure out what she wants, at the moment her head is all over the place.

Not many girls will take back a cheater and the ones that do will always have trust issues..

f**k me trust issues.......if it takes years to build it back up i would. it would mean id still be with her. i cant ever imagine doing anything like this ever again.ever. i hear you on the space part. its my only hope now. how much space tho? if i leave it too long she will think i dont care.

turgon

You sound like a good guy.

I wouldn't worry too much about the sex thought thing tbh. Even if I'm after only one or two bottles my horny meter starts going up and I just get lusty. I actually haven't been drunk and around women I'm not involved with for a long time really, but I feel where your coming from. They're only thoughts after all, and the main thing is that you didn't have sex with her.

Obviously you will have to be a bit more tactful with your girlfriend. Just lay it out, and tell her how much she obviously means to you. Ive read many of these "cheating" threads but yours strikes me for the level of honesty and good-nature-ness that you appear to have.

So as I said, you need to tell her all you've said here and make her understand. This is a "first offense" it seems so you got to promise it wont happen again, and stick to that promise.

Good luck with it.

zebrafumbler

I think you need to put things in perspective. First of all you where rat arsed drunk and by the sounds of things would never do something like that normally. Secondly as far as I'm concerned kissing another girl is not cheating. Kissing, I mean come on! You obviously love her and this minor issue should be just that, minor. I really think she's making it worse by giving you a hard time, you havn't committed a crime.

iamsoiam

Silverfish wrote: »

Well look, fair play to you for being so honest, I'm sure in time she'll appreciate that.

The important thing is that she knows how you feel - but also that you know how she feels too - let her get angry and yell or cry.
Then really, give her some time to come to terms with it. Let her know that you feel that way about her, and how sorry you are and how much you regret it.

I will say though, I never really believe being drunk is a sufficient excuse. There's always still a little bit of reasoning there, and you weren't so drunk that you didn't remember what you did or what you were thinking. So maybe you need to look at that, and look at why you cheated.

Also, I've removed the thread tags, I think you're being to hard on yourself. You were also straight up and honest with her too, that's a good characteristic to have. However, if this happened last week, and you're still phoning her to give her details - well, I'd stop that asap. Remember, it's old news to you at this stage, but every further detail you give will be a new one to her.

i know drink IS no excuse. i've looked at why i cheated and have pinned it down. i now know what made me enter that state of mind. my thinking which led me to drop my gaurd. ive already made a list of how to counteract that issue if i ever got her back. as for your last paragraph. i realised this before i revealed the new detail to her. but the longer it went on without telling her the worse it would have got. i had every intention of telling her during the week when i met her but we got lost in conversation as you could image and it never crossed my mind till i got home that evening.the subsequent delay was me deciding if i could walk away and therefore never tell her. i couldnt walk away.

zebrafumbler

Oh and why the hell did you open your big trap??? Theres only ever so much women need to know.

iamsoiam

Rosita wrote: »

And as for the 'dude, you only kissed her' line, well, (a) will she really believe that deep down and (b) beware of trying to argue on the matter of certain degrees of betrayal being acceptable - it will not go down well.

im not citing this 'just kissing' as a defence. i wish i even had the option.the intent was there and to me thats as bad as doing it.i like to believe i would have stopped before it actually happened but ill never know.

turgon

zebrafumbler wrote: »

Oh and why the hell did you open your big trap??? Theres only ever so much women need to know.

Because the OP genuinely cares about his girl and actually has a conscience.

iamsoiam

zebrafumbler wrote: »

Oh and why the hell did you open your big trap??? Theres only ever so much women need to know.

because i need to be able to look myself in the mirror without disgust. that wont be happening for a while. but more than that.since i met her ive prided myself on my honesty with her.

the worst thing about this thread, and about my friends reactions, is the sympathy im getting. its the last thing i deserve.i dont want to seem ungreatfull to yez. im extremely interested in your responses.ultimatley tho, i know theres only one response that really matters.

iamsoiam

turgon wrote: »

Because the OP genuinely cares about his girl and actually has a conscience.

ive debated with myself - if i really cared would i have told her and hurt her so much...

turgon

iamsoiam wrote: »

the worst thing about this thread, and about my friends reactions, is the sympathy im getting. its the last thing i deserve.i dont want to seem ungreatfull to yez. im extremely interested in your responses.ultimatley tho, i know theres only one response that really matters.

While the last part is true, I never post in "cheating" threads usually precisely because I hardly ever see the kind of remorse you have.

I really do believe you can get it back on track bud. You have the genuine motivation to do it. As the other posters said, just give her space for a few days, maybe a week or two. It will clear her mind. You just need to transmit exactly what you transmitted here, that is the genuine feeling of remorse and how much she means to you.

zebrafumbler

turgon wrote: »

Because the OP genuinely cares about his girl and actually has a conscience.

Duh! Which is exactly why he should have stayed quite about it. He truly loves her so why cause unneeded drama and hurt. If he loves loves her he has nothing to declare or prove by saying it. Big mistake on his part imo. A bloody kiss for God's sake! And a drunken one at that.

Rosita

[QUOTE=zebrafumbler;61301012

Secondly as far as I'm concerned kissing another girl is not cheating. Kissing, I mean come on! [/QUOTE]



This is a silly argument. The above remark is your opinion of this type of incident - the Clintonesque view that anything can be argued to be fair game as long as everyone's knickers is kept on.

However, it bears not relevance to the OP's girlfriends views - nor indeed the OP's views himself - which is what is at issue here.

If they both thought what you think then there wouldn't be this thread in the first place.

turgon

iamsoiam wrote: »

if i really cared would i have told her and hurt her so much...

It seems to me your striving for an honest open relationship. You telling her was the best thing for the relationship at the end of the day. Honesty is huge.

Whether to tell or not is always iffy. However if you didnt care about her Im pretty sure you would have just taken this opportunity to leave it altogether. No, I think what you did is totally right. And very brave, especially telling her about your thoughts.

turgon

zebrafumbler wrote: »

Duh! Which is exactly why he should have stayed quite about it. He truly loves her so why cause unneeded drama and hurt. If he loves loves her he has nothing to declare or prove by saying it. Big mistake on his part imo. A bloody kiss for God's sake! And a drunken one at that.

Na theres always going to be that barrier. I cheated on a girl once early in a relationship, and it hung over me for all the time we were going out. Its used to kill me. She found out a year and a half later on anyway. Fundamentally the relationship probably suffered because of the barrier of conscience.

iamsoiam

turgon wrote: »

While the last part is true, I never post in "cheating" threads usually precisely because I hardly ever see the kind of remorse you have.

I really do believe you can get it back on track bud. You have the genuine motivation to do it. As the other posters said, just give her space for a few days, maybe a week or two. It will clear her mind. You just need to transmit exactly what you transmitted here, that is the genuine feeling of remorse and how much she means to you.

thanks turgon. i really hope your right.its going to be hell leaving her for a week. knowing that shes in bits thinking about my actions.

turgon

I believe you have the will to get through it. Best of luck with it bud, and keep us informed. Hopefully your girl will realize how much she means to you.

Good night

iamsoiam

Rosita wrote: »

This is a silly argument. The above remark is your opinion of this type of incident - the Clintonesque view that anything can be argued to be fair game as long as everyone's knickers is kept on.

However, it bears not relevance to the OP's girlfriends views - nor indeed the OP's views himself - which is what is at issue here.

If they both thought what you think then there wouldn't be this thread in the first place.

i never thought about honesty the way you said in the last post, the double edged sword.your right about that.but i stil believe if i have nothing to hide or be ashamed of (this incident apart) then the relationship is better for it.

zebrafumbler

Alright best of luck my man. I certainly don't advocate infidelity but imo your innocent. Best of luck;)

iamsoiam

zebrafumbler wrote: »

Alright best of luck my man. I certainly don't advocate infidelity but imo your innocent. Best of luck;)

thanks for your thoughts and views.

LegacyUser

I want to just offer my view from the perspective of a girl who was in a very similar situation. A couple of years ago, my fiance who I'd been with two years, kissed another girl at a party. He'd been very drunk. It went no further but the intent on his part was there too. He told me about it 48 hours later and asked to be forgiven. The decision was in my hands. I was completely in love with him and I was shaken to my core really by what he'd done. I was devastated. But at the back of my mind, and in my heart, I REALLY REALLY didn't want to dump him. I thought we could get past it. So I had every intention of sorting through the mess and hopefully coming out the other side. I wanted to forgive him, but in the end I couldn't. That was because I never felt he was truly remorseful for what he did. I just wanted sincerity and in all the apologies and presents and grand gestures he made, not once did I sense that he realised what a huge big deal it was, and how he'd basically sh*t all over our lovely (til then) relationship.

You can't manufacture true regret and people instinctively know when you mean an apology. It's hard to define why, but there's a big difference between someone apologizing "by numbers" so to speak, and somebody who means every word they say and are crushed by the fact they've hurt you. You seem pretty crushed right now. I believe you. So please keep trying cos I really think there's a chance she'll recognise that too.

iamsoiam

Unregistered wrote: »

I want to just offer my view from the perspective of a girl who was in a very ...

thanks. i hope your right.i do mean it.ive thought about the grand gestures.but i know they will be meaningless unless she forgives me.so i wont be using them to try and make her forgive me.

LegacyUser

you ovbiously cant handle your drink if you were still drunk the next day...

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

My first unreg post to hide my shame.

Did something similar myself a few years back. Was saved from my drunken self by the intervention of a very good man. Am married (was then) & love my wife as I did then. Told her - not as much as you, but the basics. She forgave me. We have had many happy years since. I learned the lesson I thought I already knew, not to get into tempting situations with women while hammered.

I guess you've just learned it too. Good luck. Maybe showing her this thread might help? You'll know best.

iamsoiam

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey OP,

My first unreg post to hide my shame.

Did something similar myself a few years back. Was saved from my drunken self by the intervention of a very good man. Am married (was then) & love my wife as I did then. Told her - not as much as you, but the basics. She forgave me. We have had many happy years since. I learned the lesson I thought I already knew, not to get into tempting situations with women while hammered.

I guess you've just learned it too. Good luck. Maybe showing her this thread might help? You'll know best.

your lucky you had a good man to stop you going further.i didnt, but i dont blame him.i got myself into this mess.

LegacyUser

iamsoiam wrote: »

your lucky you had a good man to stop you going further.i didnt, but i dont blame him.i got myself into this mess.

Hi. The point I was trying to make was that for me it was a very good man, for you it was lack of opportunity that saved you from going further than we did. Either way we were both very stupid - but there is hope for you. Look after yourself, try to make it up to her, and maybe it'll come right. Good luck mate.

Eve_Dublin

OP this is just my view as a female but I can be very black and white about cheating...

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=61047743#post61047743

but it's not such a black and white issue sometimes. I don't consider a drunken kiss cheating, particularly in this instance and particularly because you're very obviously sorry for what you've done. Yes, the intention might have been there for something more to happen but you didn't act on it and that really is the most important thing. I don't consider just THINKING about having sex with somebody else as cheating...it's not an Aldous Huxley novel were living in here complete with thought police (although some might disagree :eek: ....). We've all had thoughts about other men and women while in a relationship and sometimes during sex but this is NOT cheating. Cheating is acting on it and I believe going further than a drunken kiss. What you did was a stupid, STUUUUUUPID mistake but you know this; you love your girlfriend, you KNOW you'll never do it again and even though I don't know you, I believe you.

Just give it time. You've done everything you can do by telling her and letting her know how sorry you are. Leave it at that and give her time to put what happened into perspective in her own head. The more of a drama you make out of it, the more of a drama she will see it as.

DON'T do it again and be extra, extra nice to your girlfriend and if things are as good between you two as you say, then I've no doubt things will be fine....but you might have to give it time. Be patient.

turgon

^^+1

I think OP if you can communicate the genuine remorse, regret and love to your gf that you have communicated here then I think there is a large chance of recovery.

iamsoiam

thanks Eve and Turgon. i'll give it time....