Men don't want to sleep with me

LegacyUser

Ok maybe I'm reading too much into this but I've had a few experiences where men I'm going out with just don't want to sleep with me. If it happened once I'd think it's his problem but it's happened a few times so maybe it's something about signals I'm giving out??

A couple of times, guys have said they want to wait a little while, fair enough, but then they stop texting 2 weeks later! And last summer I was seeing a guy for 2 months and he didn't try anything at all! I just got offended and stopped texting him cos I was so annoyed! I don't think I'm ugly, people tell me I'm good looking and I thought all guys wanted sex so I can't understand this at all!! Any insights??

I have been told I'm a 'nice girl' on more than one occasion so maybe this has something to do with it? But why don't they understand that nice girls like sex too??!

Sinall

Has there been any progression towards physical activity in these cases? Or is it a case of being out somewhere/on a date and then a kiss on the cheek and home separately?

Take your time, get to know a guy as an individual, let the attraction build. And take it from there.

LegacyUser

I usually do that but I always think that after a few dates it should have happened.

Yeah I have been out with a couple of guys where it is that polite sober dating but in a fair few cases there has been opportunity for it to happen and it hasn't

CDfm

OP - some guyts are shy so it could be for you to take the initiative. Do you ?

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I thought all guys wanted sex

There's the first incorrect assumption, anyways!

Fact is that while it is a part of a relationship, it doesn't have to be on the agenda from day one (despite what all the urban myths and anecdotes will tell ya).

And treating someone "right" while keeping a bit spark/spontanaiety/passion can be a minefield!

But like the other posters, I'd suggest that you take the lead to some extent; if you like someone and fancy them, then go for it!

If you're a nice girl and they're wary of messing you around, and you show that you've a cheeky side, then that's a win-win, in my book!

turgon

Indeed. In fact, now that CDfm has prompted me, I remember my current girlfriend telling me she usually only attracts quite reserved kind of guys. This could honesty be something to do with the kind of guys you try and flirt with. They may be too nervous to try anything.

BKtje

I went out with a girl last summer for a few months and even though (like you said) there were some opportunities for sex it never happened. I'm not sure why but to me it felt like it isn't something she wanted yet and i'm not generally a pushy guy. If however she had given me a clear signal i would have loved to.

You didn't say how far you got with this guy of 2 months or if you were ever in a situation where sex could be on the cards. You said he didn't try anything at all, did you try anything?

Doctor DooM

Sometimes with a lady I really, really like, I will be very very reserved as I don't want to ruin a good thing. Maybe you are too much of a good thing for your own good.

LegacyUser

"You didn't say how far you got with this guy of 2 months or if you were ever in a situation where sex could be on the cards. You said he didn't try anything at all, did you try anything? "

We only got as far as kissing. We did have the opportunity, we were kissing on his sofa in his and he actually stopped and just continued the conversation we had been having before!! But I suppose I could be more forward, although I'd like to know that the guy I'm dating actually fancies me!

Rb

Perhaps you're appearing desperate?

Eve_Dublin

Rb wrote: »

Perhaps you're appearing desperate?

In fairness, do you call a woman who's in the throws of passion during foreplay "desperate"? I think once you get a man or woman that far, then you don't have to worry about coming across as "desperate". Not sure how many men or women would be into having sex with a stiff, stand-offish corpse, tbh.

dudara

Rb is asking a genuine question here - OP - how do you think you come across to men?

LegacyUser

God I'd never think I'd appear desperate, I think the problem might be that it might be the complete opposite. I always wait for a guy to make the move and I always make an effort to play it cool.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

God I'd never think I'd appear desperate, I think the problem might be that it might be the complete opposite. I always wait for a guy to make the move and I always make an effort to play it cool.

"Playing" is for kids!

Yes, if you don't "play it cool" then you can burn something out.....but so what ?

Be yourself, because if there's something in it then it's yourself that you want them to like, and if you're not being yourself then you'll be "found out" in the long run and it'll die off.

And what's the worst that could happen ? A few nights out and some fun that wouldn't have happened if you both played it cool, before it burns out ?

And the other option ? It develops and goes somewhere.

Win-win.

Eve_Dublin

Liam Byrne wrote: »

There's the first incorrect assumption, anyways!

Fact is that while it is a part of a relationship, it doesn't have to be on the agenda from day one (despite what all the urban myths and anecdotes will tell ya).

And treating someone "right" while keeping a bit spark/spontanaiety/passion can be a minefield!

But like the other posters, I'd suggest that you take the lead to some extent; if you like someone and fancy them, then go for it!

If you're a nice girl and they're wary of messing you around, and you show that you've a cheeky side, then that's a win-win, in my book!

Unregistered wrote: »

God I'd never think I'd appear desperate, I think the problem might be that it might be the complete opposite. I always wait for a guy to make the move and I always make an effort to play it cool.

From my perspective, I think you've solved your own dilemma...the complete opposite to appearing desperate is coming across as cold and stand-offish. You need a balance between the two but as Liam pointed out, this can be a minefield.. In my experience, most men don't like the "play-it-cool" game...they can't read the situation like we females think they can and they generally loose interest because they presume you're not all that keen or they get bored quickly of the games. They want to know you like them but are not picturing the two of you walking down the aisle together.

This whole waiting for a man to make the first move is ridiculous in this day and age. From my experience and from what I've read here in PI, most men like women to take the initiative when it comes to getting down to business or the lead up to it. It's very sexy trait in anyone who has the confidence to take the lead.

Perhaps you're coming across so stand-offish that the men either think you're not interested or too much of a traditional submissive 'nice" girl by letting them take the lead in getting down to business.

What do you think, OP?

Liam Byrne

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

You need a balance between the two but as Liam pointed out, this can be a minefield.. In my experience, most men don't like the "play-it-cool" game...they can't read the situation like we females think they can and they generally loose interest because they presume you're not all that keen or they get bored quickly of the games. They want to know you like them but are not picturing the two of you walking down the aisle together.

Nail, head Eve!

Fact is that there's NO guarantee that someone wants sex, either when "hooking up", "dating", "seeing someone" or even in the first few months of "a relationship" - and that's their choice.

But if someone seems reluctant, a "nice" guy won't want to push it, and - if they reckon there's something there - mightn't even "want" to; we're all human, yeah, but the concept of a being with stunner or someone who might be worth a longer-term investment IS out there.

So while there are scumbags out there who will "take advantage" (and even that phrase implies that it's the guy that wants it more) there is NOTHING sexier than someone who has confidence and stands over how they feel, because there won't be an "oh, crap!" in the morning (which a "nice" guy would absolutely HATE if they really liked a girl and had their fingers crossed for it developing).

Sex is fun, going with the flow is fun, but I'd prefer to hold off and enjoy what's there than to risk making a b*****x of something by pushing it and trying to go "up a level".

Then again, that just my view. And I'd never claim to understand women or their prerogative to change their minds....

LegacyUser

Yeah I reckon you're on to something. But the whole thing is a minefield! Act overly eager and you're deemed desperate and play it cool and you seem uninterested..

Eve_Dublin

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah I reckon you're on to something. But the whole thing is a minefield! Act overly eager and you're deemed desperate and play it cool and you seem uninterested..

I don't have the answers and I don't think anyone else does, to be honest. What we perceive to be over-eager or stand-offish behaviour might not be what our love interest might consider to be the same. It is a bleedin' Minefield but all I can advise is to be yourself and don't push or pull away from anything you may be feeling for the other person. Just feel it and go with the flow. Without sounding like some self-help author from the 70's, I think we all have an innate ability to seduce that we've lost from so much conflicting advice from external sources that we need to ignore to tap into it again (no, I haven't been smoking anything today). Just be yourself OP!!

Liam Byrne

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

all I can advise is to be yourself and don't push or pull away from anything you may be feeling for the other person. Just feel it and go with the flow. Without sounding like some self-help author from the 70's, I think we all have an innate ability to seduce that we've lost from so much conflicting advice from external sources that we need to ignore to tap into it again (no, I haven't been smoking anything today). Just be yourself OP!!

Yup, AGAIN spot-on!

It's rare enough if someone REALLY catches your attention, and it's a pain that you can't run with that to see where it takes you [ recent lesson learned ].

But the fact is that I'd prefer to let someone know that I'm interested; and see where that goes. Unfortunately all the "4-day rule" crap, or a reluctance to stick your neck out, means that's not "acceptable" and risks someone running a mile!

Mind you, there's always those wedding speeches you hear where the best man says "she wanted nothing to do with him but he persisted and won her over" - so go figure!

It's FAR from desperate, because I'm far happier being single than being with Ms Wrong, or Ms Not-Quite-Right-But-She'll-Do.

But likewise, if there's someone that I'd like to meet [ again ] then I'd prefer to say it and take a chance than "play it cool" or mess with their heads. If they can't see the logic in that, or if it puts them off, so be it; they can't take the compliment, or aren't interested. Their choice and their right.

LegacyUser

It has been my observation that a lot of women these days have turned off their femininity for many reasons. They were told it is bad, had too many come ons, bad experiences that they don't want to repeat, etc. etc.

You can be bold and brash and try and take him but I would suggest that you put that sultry smile back on and entice/seduce him. You don't have to dress trashy or be cheap but you can by your very attitude send signals. Be flirtatious, expose a little skin just for him and let him know with your wink and smile that you liked it. In your face words are counterproductive. Actions and inuendos are where it's at. Fire up your inner woman and let it burn. It is much more becoming, exciting and does not take the initiative from him helping to strengthen his masculinity. viva la difference. being equal does not mean being the same. Let the chase begin, make him chase you, and when he is almost out of his mind with desire let him catch you!

Liam Byrne

Wouldn't agree with ALL of that, but there's some truth in it - in particular in relation to dressing or talking trashy.....that [ personally anyway ] is a MAJOR turn-off.

But as for the chasing and catching.....why not have it both ways ? Mutual and equal levels of respect, attraction and interest are the best grounds for kicking something off.

Yes, you might both find something down the line thatd make you second-think it, but why not enjoy whatever time you can ? Why waste it on game-playing ?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok maybe I'm reading too much into this but I've had a few experiences where men I'm going out with just don't want to sleep with me. If it happened once I'd think it's his problem but it's happened a few times so maybe it's something about signals I'm giving out??

A couple of times, guys have said they want to wait a little while, fair enough, but then they stop texting 2 weeks later! And last summer I was seeing a guy for 2 months and he didn't try anything at all! I just got offended and stopped texting him cos I was so annoyed! I don't think I'm ugly, people tell me I'm good looking and I thought all guys wanted sex so I can't understand this at all!! Any insights??

I have been told I'm a 'nice girl' on more than one occasion so maybe this has something to do with it? But why don't they understand that nice girls like sex too??!

Having read the thread - I suspect that you are unconsciously dating guys who are quiet and reserved and slow movers. I suspect that this is the cause of the situation and not anything to do with you or your attractiveness etc. It could be your sub conscious trying to stay safe.

Try to date a different kind of guy.

All the best.

CDfm

OP if you like someone and find them attractive do you tell them or give off signals like touching them or a slow dance'n'grope or invite them in for coffee or to change a plug(lol)?

Thats not slutty behavior its normal.That doesnt mean what you do is wrong just that you're relationship expectations have changed so your behaviour has to grow with it.

Imagine if you are out with the man of your dreams and both of you are waiting for the other to make the first move and acting cool nothing will happen.You might think you are giving signals and he might think he is being galant and that that is the thing to do.

Maybe you need to be a tad more demonstrative, tactile and talkative. Guys are not telepathic.So it could be about you taking the lead a bit more and finding a way you are comfortable with. There isn't really a right or wrong way.Lots of people are shy of intimacy.

You might go for nice guys because they are nice and they are what you like there is nothing wrong with that and not everyone wants bad boys.It could be what makes you like them also makes them respectful.

There may even be a guy you have went out with that you like where it didnt go the way you wanted and thought there was something there. Nothing wrong with calling someone or looking for a date from a guy you met even for practice if you like them and seeing what happens.

LegacyUser

A female mate of mine invites all her men (and there are many, she's attractive) out on 'dates' like ice skating, or cinema or art galleries, and shows up wearing baggy jeans and then she gets no action and wonders why. The guys don't know if they're friends or not.

But TBH I think you are probably dating wimpy guys. (or respectful?, hmm). I'm a girl, so are my friends, this is an unusual problem. Are you very young and dating very young boys? Are you scared of assertive men?

the_syco

Unregistered wrote: »

God I'd never think I'd appear desperate, I think the problem might be that it might be the complete opposite. I always wait for a guy to make the move and I always make an effort to play it cool.

F**king mind games?

(pardon the pun :P)

=-=

If you're on the couch, kissing, and you want to get it on, try sitting on his lap, like you'd sit on a horse. There's a few subtle ways to get it into his head that you want to get it on, without having to rip your clothes off and yelling "f**k me" :P

As for "showing the skin", you can only show some skin and still be more sexier than showing too much skin.

xp90

Il sleep with you

Silverfish

xp90 wrote: »

Il sleep with you

Banned for a week. Read the charter.

snowy2008

I always find some barry white music helps things along, well maybe thats just me, just go with the flow and enjoy yourself!

CDfm

I think really what it comes down to is that being cool and aloof is all very fine in theory. Its not about mind games really its about finding someone you like relaxing and telling them that you like them.Like teresa2008 says if its Barry White music that does it for you-good for you.

People love to talk about themselves and to be told nice things. Do you compliment the guys you go out with on their clothes or if you like their eyes or smile do you say that or do you tell them its ok to sit closer to you.?

OP what do you think are there things you would handle differently?