Getting over that first love?

LegacyUser

How do you get over your first love. I've tried everything keeping busy, meeting mates, playing sport, going to the gym. But it doesn't matter, every second of every day I think of her. When I do manage to get to sleep at night, guess who I dream of?

Things had been going rough for a while, but I still never imagined it would end. I truly love the girl, think she's gorgeous, fun, and a great potential. But I was mean and cold and distance the past two weeks or so. Then Saturday night she was with an old friend of mine. I went crazy and attacked him (we had fallen out when he was texting her previously in the relationship). I regret this now, I went crazy, this is my issue and I need to control my temper at times like this.

But anyway, I've got a thesis to do in the next week. But I can't think of anything else. I have to be on the laptop to do the thesis, and all I can seem to do is check out her bebo, look at old pictures and listen to songs that remind me of her. I get it we're broken up, but I NEED to concentrate. I could deal with all the rest if I wasn't under such immediate pressure.

ARGH I kinda feel better posting this, but still, anyone any suggestions? I'll listen to anything tbh.

Also, would 21 be too young to go to couples counselling if you had been going out with someone 18 months? It's playing on my mind because she had suggested it and I refused. I don't know I'm just all over the place right now.

Wibbs

Time basically. Accept that it's over. That's the hardest first step. You may say you know it's over, but at this stage there's probably still some residual notion that it's not really over. Accept that you will think about her. Accept that some day and probably before you realise you'll stop thinking of her so much. Wehn you think about her and feel down, think of those feelings as the emotional pain leaving your head. Kinda like a smoker struggling to give up should think of the nicotine pangs as their body getting healthier. Continue with the distractions, but don't think of them that way. Think of them as steps to a new life.

LegacyUser

I agree with both posts. The first time is defo the hardest, you really cannot imagine getting over it. You will, then when your heartbroken again for the second time it wil be a tad easier as you know that you got over the first one. Hopefully it wont happen too many times but I think at least two heartbreaks are good. It builds character, life experience and gives you some perspective.

Also dot be going on her Bebo/facebook. People always look like they are having so much fun, and you cant gauge what a person is up to or how they are feeling from a few wall posts. Concentrate on your thesis, thats important.

good luck. Go out with your mates too...

LegacyUser

Just be thankful that you had a first love. I've never had a first love and I'm almost 40yo. Low self esteem was probably the major reason that I never managed to fall in love with someone and at this stage I probably never will. I certainly regret not being more courageous at discos when I was younger. So, don't feel too sorry for yourself. There are people much worse off than you. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Wibbs

To the last Unregistered poster; don't be too sure. You really never know. I know a guy who fell in love for the first time when he was 44. He had gone out with a few women in the past, but mad crazy jungle love with bells on? He had to wait. I've been in love twice and the last time I was 38 so as I say you never know.

Wheeloflight

Ah love, I know how you feel...I'm still trying to get over my ex. I have tried everything and now I'm with someone else but I feel like I'm lying to him. I still love my ex and he is the last thing I think about at night and my first thought in the morning. At the start, 6 months ago now it was so bad, I was taking sedatives to sleep. I kept going over everything in my head, trying to pinpoint when I could have stopped it all and kept him. I would walk through fire to have him back, to have it all back. He hates me now, won't even talk to me. Probably really happy with someone else, who is everything that I'm not.
I really thought it would never end too. We were engaged and supposed to get married this month. I keep thinking about my wedding day that never happened.

It's really, really hard, probably the worst pain in the world. I hope it makes you feel better to at least know you're not the only one suffering x

LegacyUser

What Wheeloflight said struck a chord with me.
It is two months since I was dumped. It was out of the blue. Dumped for someone else. Not a nice feeling.
While I've had the dignity to not to embarrass myself with my ex in the aftermath the loss is still raw and hurts. I haven't managed to rebuild yet and I am plagued with similar thoughts to those Wheeloflight mentioned and thoughts of my ex having fun all summer with the new love and wondering if I ever cross their mind and whether there is any sense of regret or remorse.
I know they're useless thoughts and more destructive to me than my ex who is oblivious and probably living happily ever after.
Like others here I am aware that time will ease these wounds, and those thoughts and feelings will fade. In the meantime it is a bit like a scar which is healing slowly but surely. That's not to say that every now and then the sensitive wound can't hurt or even open up. It's not nice. It is a set back. But given time and space one hopes that for a full recovery.

Colonel_McCoy

Simple answer ..........time........we have all been there, keep yourself busy and slow the pain of the break up will fade and before you long it will have gone.

First step accept its over.

Wheeloflight

It is a horrible feeling alright. It's your imagination that's your worst enemy I think. They could be just as miserable as you in reality, but in your mind they've found the love of their life.
One day at a time I guess, since time travel isn't an option...;)

I'm sorry your ex dumped you for someone else. That's hard alright. Mine dumped me because he had changed and I wasn't what he wanted anymore. The way he explained it was awful though, made me feel like I was worthless. Like he wanted someone who possessed all these great qualities and I possessed none of them. Despite the fact that for 4 years he wanted to marry me.
He completely ruined everything we had once, shattered all the memories by claiming he was never happy with me really. Now he's on Boards giving people advice on how to pick up women...he doesn't bother to hide his profile or anything

Wibbs

Wheeloflight wrote: »

It is a horrible feeling alright. It's your imagination that's your worst enemy I think. They could be just as miserable as you in reality, but in your mind they've found the love of their life.

Very true. Don't assume they're any better off without you. I've kept in some contact with some of my "big" exes. Enough to know whats what down the line. In one case, she left me for a couple of reasons(and in fairness she was partially right too, though she handled it very badly) straight into the arms of another. Ironically enough years later she was in a worse position for almost identical reasons with the new guy.

He completely ruined everything we had once, shattered all the memories by claiming he was never happy with me really.

OK, but if that's true he's hardly the sharpest axe in the toolshed if he stayed with someone for 4 years while he was unhappy. IMHO, in most cases when people say that it's just another easier way for them to justify the breakup. A variation on the usual, "it's not you it's me" stuff. In any case at this stage I would put little store in it. If he was telling the truth then you're both better off apart and if he wasn't, then there were plenty of times he was happy to be with you.

LegacyUser

Very weird, found myself in a similar situation a few weeks ago. Even had to do a thesis at the same time as well.

Although I agree with most of what everyone has said, I get the impression that your looking for something that will accelerate the 'recovery process'

I did everything you did, but like you at the end of the day I'd end up thinking of her. One thing that definitely helped so much was trying to think of all the things I'm now able to do that I couldnt if i was still with her, especially other girls. For instance I was chatting to a friend who I had been with in the past on facebook or whatever, an the thought occured to me that we were both single now ye kno? We were talkin bout goin to electric picnic like an I remember goin to bed that night thinking "class I cant wait to go to electric picnic now an see 'X' an all her mates", I realised that theres other girls out there!

Another thing that Im looking forward to doing is a bit of travelling. Like you im finished college this year(im assuming u are since your doin a thesis), so gonna get a job(i hope) and save until early next year an go travelling for about a year with the lads, if i was still with yer one theres no way I could of done that an Id be missing out big time.

I mean i havent forgotten about her, but at least wehn i htink about her I can say "ah well maybe now i can do whatever(or who!) it is ive been meanin to do" an put a little smile on my face.

Wheeloflight

Wibbs,

Thanks a million for the agreement, good to hear I'm not completely dillusional! I thought that too, he must have been happy at some stage to have gotten down on one knee and all the rest of it!

It's funny isn't it, how we suffer to greatly and then like your ex, find someone else and suffer all over again!? It's a vicious circle really..


Unregistered...sounds like you're a little further down the get over it process than the rest of us! The thought of being free or being with someone else still makes me feel slightly odd, like I'm cheating or something, which is ridiculous I know...and I'm currently seeing someone else, desperately trying to believe that I'm ok again.

It's kind of that very thought that has me where I am, the fact that my ex probably thinks like you and rather than missing the closeness and connection we had, he's just happy to be a free agent and to be able to sh*g anything he wants now. Thank you for restoring my faith in mankind :rolleyes:

hatetherain!

Sorry but I dont think you ever get over your first love

Wibbs

Eh yea you do. Well I certainly did. If I think back on my "first love"? I was all cut up about it when it ended, for about a year. Thought about her the odd time after that, but little enough. Now all those years later? I quite honestly wouldnt touch her with someone elses. Bumped into her about 5 years ago. Time has not been kind as it were. Even if I could go back in time and have a go again I honestly wouldn't. It was OK at the time, but I have learned it can be so much more and there are numerous women out there way better, for me at least TBH I wouldn't even try for the legover. So yes you do get over your first love. I'm quite sure she got over me too.:D

LegacyUser

Wheeloflight wrote: »

Wibbs,

Unregistered...sounds like you're a little further down the get over it process than the rest of us! The thought of being free or being with someone else still makes me feel slightly odd, like I'm cheating or something, which is ridiculous I know...and I'm currently seeing someone else, desperately trying to believe that I'm ok again.

It's kind of that very thought that has me where I am, the fact that my ex probably thinks like you and rather than missing the closeness and connection we had, he's just happy to be a free agent and to be able to sh*g anything he wants now. Thank you for restoring my faith in mankind :rolleyes:

Wheeloflight wrote: »

Wibbs,

Thanks a million for the agreement, good to hear I'm not completely dillusional! I thought that too, he must have been happy at some stage to have gotten down on one knee and all the rest of it!

It's funny isn't it, how we suffer to greatly and then like your ex, find someone else and suffer all over again!? It's a vicious circle really..


Unregistered...sounds like you're a little further down the get over it process than the rest of us! The thought of being free or being with someone else still makes me feel slightly odd, like I'm cheating or something, which is ridiculous I know...and I'm currently seeing someone else, desperately trying to believe that I'm ok again.

It's kind of that very thought that has me where I am, the fact that my ex probably thinks like you and rather than missing the closeness and connection we had, he's just happy to be a free agent and to be able to sh*g anything he wants now. Thank you for restoring my faith in mankind :rolleyes:

Sorry just read what happened you there, that sounds HARSH. And just to let you know,I kno u still have feelings for him, but anyone who has to read about how to pick up girls or is into 'pick-up artistry' or whatever its called is an absolute loser! I bet he's just really insecure underneath it all.

My break up wasnt like that. I was dumped too, but she was harsh in a different way. She brought up all this stuff about me an used it against me to make herself , stuff I had only told her. And i was more angry then hurt so it made me a little more ruthless i suppose. Also dont get me wrong i wasnt goin out tryin to pick up girls stratight away, it was ages before i thought another girl wud come even close to her, but when i started talkin to this girl who i really like in the past and because of the way my ex had treated me in our break up, it made me realise there's plenty more fish in the sea.

In my opinion ye cant really compare my breakup (or the OP's) to yours. You had a much harder fall, i mean from a proposal to that is so harsh, so im not surprised that u wud feel that way.

Wheeloflight

Ah Wibbs how wise you are! I can't WAIT until I feel like that!! Right now, I'd take him back, despite the fact that he was in all honesty a complete loser, a waster and just plain mean to me most of the time. I know my friends and family would be disgusted with me if I did go back to him. I'm just waiting for the fog to clear around my brain

Wibbs

It will clear, I promise you. Part of that is looking at the relationship honestly. Look at the parts you were lacking in first. Forget about him for the moment. Look at where you can improve yourself and for yourself. So look at the times he appeared to be a loser/waster/mean to you. Did you enable that guff? Did he naturally act like that way in general. If so why did you stick with him for 4 years? You may find yourself thinking not so much what you could have done to make it last, but why you wanted to be in an unhealthy relationship in the first place. Figure the missing pieces in yourself and he'll no longer appear like the missing piece in your life.

Wheeloflight

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry just read what happened you there, that sounds HARSH. And just to let you know,I kno u still have feelings for him, but anyone who has to read about how to pick up girls or is into 'pick-up artistry' or whatever its called is an absolute loser! I bet he's just really insecure underneath it all.

My break up wasnt like that. I was dumped too, but she was harsh in a different way. She brought up all this stuff about me an used it against me to make herself , stuff I had only told her. And i was more angry then hurt so it made me a little more ruthless i suppose. Also dont get me wrong i wasnt goin out tryin to pick up girls stratight away, it was ages before i thought another girl wud come even close to her, but when i started talkin to this girl who i really like in the past and because of the way my ex had treated me in our break up, it made me realise there's plenty more fish in the sea.

In my opinion ye cant really compare my breakup (or the OP's) to yours. You had a much harder fall, i mean from a proposal to that is so harsh, so im not surprised that u wud feel that way.

Ah thanks, people are so nice on this forum! No I know all men aren't like that etc. And yes, going on this thing to advice how to pick up girls isn't exactly a quality I would go for as I am now, so I guess I have come along a bit even if I didn't think so! Thank you, you're very sweet

Wheeloflight

And Wibbs,

Thanks very much also, you seem like a very calm, centred person! Soon I will be too I'm sure! x