I don't like responsibility

LegacyUser

My post is kind of related to the two other posts ("Anxiety Rules My Life" and "Sick of this - whatever this is ").
Mine is more a lack of self-esteem that is overwhelming my existence.
Basically I am an unemployed man in my mid-thirties. I worked in a low-skilled job up until about five years ago when I decided I could do something better with my life and went away to college to get a degree. I can honestly say this was the happiest time in my life as I never really had many friends before then but I made loads of new ones. I think I was happy there because college (or school if you don't go to college) is the last time in your life no one expects anything of you.
I first noticed it when I went on work experience with a highly reputable company. I dreaded being given something to do that I wouldn't be able to do, I felt out of place in an office wearing a shirt, shiny shoes and ironed trousers. I kept telling myself I wasn't good enough to be there and I felt like a fool and that people were secretly laughing at me.
I had some problems while I was there as I was a little out of my depth. I was worried then that when I got a proper job I would again feel stressed and worried all the time about whether I could cope with being relied on to do something which required intelligence.
I got a full-time job and it was OK at the start but I lost confidence after I made a few mistakes and received some criticism for it. I take things to heart so being judged negatively re-enforced my inner belief that I am simply no good.
Obviously I wanted to get a degree so I could get a job that would require more of me intellectually but when I find myself unable to do something that I think I should be able to do then I begin to question myself.
As it turns out I left the job (not entirely for the reasons above but that was part of it).
I am looking for a job at the moment but to be honest I don't want to get a job that is too "high-powered" as I feel I a not suited to having a lot required of me.
I am of average ability in my field so I fear being in the same position again if I do get a job.
I don't want to be a bum for the rest of my life but at the same time I am pretty sure I don't want to work with "academic-types" if you know what I mean. I'm not like them and I never will be. That's why I didn't try to do something better with my life when I left school.
I know if I got the right kind of job I would be OK but what is "the right kind of job"?
The two other threads I mentioned recommended CBT for the posters, I don't know if that would help but I definitely think I need some help.

LegacyUser

OP perhaps you are not suited to an office environment. I know I hate them and understand your feeling inferior in that environment.

Maybe you would be better suited to a job on your feet, or a few part time jobs. Perhaps working with people outdoors, or in a centre of some kind. Sorry I know this is very vague. But there are other options if you think outside the box. There is no need to be stressed. Think of what you would love to do or something you would prefer, or even make a list of all the things you dont want to do!

MDS2009

Hi Marlo99

First of all, I think you are being very hard on yourself. There are so many positives in your post;

1. You went back to college when you were 30 to further your education and to enhance your career prospects, thereby making a better life for yourself. A very brave thing to do.

2. You sound very intelligent, logical and rational in your post and show great self-awareness.

3. You made lots of friends in college which increased your feeling of self- worth and confidence

As you say yourself you suffer from low self-esteem. Counselling or CBT would definitely assist you with this. If you don't want to spend money on counselling initially you should get a book on building self-esteem and there is also a "CBT for Dummies" book which is excellent.

Lack of confidence in the work place stems from your lack of self esteem, and also your lack of work experience outside of your previous sphere of reference. The more experience you get in a particular area/ job the more confident you will get. Everyone starting out in a new job or area is nervous to some degree and worries about being out of their depth, so you're not alone.

Also you seem concerned about being out of place and people "secretly laughing" at you. It is very unlikely anybody would notice you were feeling out of your depth (far too caught up with their own stuff!) and I'm sure nobody was laughing at you. Again these feelings stem from your low self- esteem.

As I said confidence comes with experience. You can work on your self-esteem by socialising and playing sports- I know it sounds silly but surrounding yourself with friends and family and doing sports or anything that you're good at helps towards building confidence.

You sound like a very nice person, who needs to focus on the positives instead of the negative. I'm sure you have a lot to offer any prospective employer and you just have to remember that. Also don't be afraid to ask questions at work particularly in a new job. You can phrase them like "just so I'm clear about what you mean/ looking for...." or "I'm not quite sure what you mean by..." or "I'm having difficulty with ...". Colleagues will be more than willing to help you out and would much prefer you asked questions than for something to go wrong.

Hope I've helped! By the way, you should look at the first job you get as a stepping stone, a building block to help you get your career started. Also remember that everyone makes mistakes and the most important thing is that we learn from them!

LegacyUser

I feel exactly the same way. In fact your life is almost a carbon copy of mine. I too went back to college and it was great in that I made lots of friends, played football and other sports, had nights out etc. But when it came time to working in the so-called real world.......I didnt do so well. I got a job where, like yours, it was shirt and tie. I hated every minute of it and felt so out of place. I packed it in and got myself a non-skilled job. I find I avoid responsibility aswell. It does essentially come down to a lack of belief in oneself. Any time I was presented with a task in work Id get all nervous and feel like it was beyond me.
But I have used CBT and its a revelation. Those doubts and fears about not being able to cope or not being as good as everybody else are all just thoughts created by you. Slowly but surely over time Ive noticed that I can handle pretty much anything. I no longer believe anybody is better than me and this was achieved through basic hard work. So what I'll say to you is that youre defintiely not alone in how you feel. And also that its not your fault. I dont know your circumstances but I came from a broken home where I had no father figure, no support and pretty much nothing nice in my early years. So being a kid on your own without an older person giving you guidance can be detrimental to your confidence and self-belief. I mean when something would go wrong or I failed at something when I was a kid, there was nobody there to put an arm around my shoulders and explain that I was still an ok person or that I had actually not done as badly as I thought. So every failure or percieved failure was taken to heart and pretty soon over time I was conditioned to have zero belief in myself. But this can be reversed, all it is is conditioning.

Id recommend "Mind over mood" by Greenburger and pedanski. Its very simple and quite possibly the greatest book Ive ever read. But its more than a book, its a tool you can use to get your confidence and belief back. Pretty cheap aswell, about 20 quid on amazon.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, it's good to know I am not the only one with this problem.
I know it's not normal, after all I knew when I decided to do the degree I would have to do a responsible job when I qualified.
I think the poster who said I am not suited to an office environment was right. Or maybe if I worked on my own so then I wouldn't feel I was less good as others.
I find myself going over past failures in my mind, I always seem to remember times when I have screwed up in work and mentally torture myself over it. I am petrified of being judged negatively.
If I don't tackle this problem now I will never feel relaxed in any job.
I will check out those books that were recommended.

LegacyUser

Also check out "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns ...

I used to be like you - my whole life seemed to revolve around the work I did and my esteem was based upon it which was a disaster because I was never that great at my job.

I haven't worked in an office for years now and I have never missed it - other work suits me better. I work for myself so I am not under constant scrutiny and any f*** ups are acceptable ( I haven't lost anyone else any money) - as in, I know that I may have made them and I deal with them rather than having the pressure from someone above me.

I always liked the idea of an office as my dad used to wear a suit to work everyday and I was brought up thinking that "professionals" are better than people who work with their hands.

I realise now that jobs don't define us that much - none of my friends do the same job I do and I don't judge people that much on teh jobs they do.

Oh The Humanity

I bet a lot of people secretly feel like this.

I also really dislike responsibility and will do the bare minimum in life to get by under the radar at work/with family etc.
I don't voluntarily take on responsibilities in my personal life unless absolutely neccessary.

I am lazy though and even view shopping and looking after myself as a boring tedious chore which I will avoid at all costs.

I think its all about reward, if you are not getting any reward from something why invest, time, energy, money etc into it?
You dont have to work in an office. What you need to do is find something that doesn't take too much from you but sustains you and leaves you with enough energy that you are not a husk at the end of the week.

I feel a lot of people do things without question as its what society expects from them. Wheras I ask myself first do I want to do this?

A lot of times unless its pleasure giving I will swerve it. You sound quite like a people person. You enjoyed the social element of college and that commonality with people. What about becoming a counsellor or something along those lines?

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I bet a lot of people secretly feel like this.

I also really dislike responsibility and will do the bare minimum in life to get by under the radar at work/with family etc.
I don't voluntarily take on responsibilities in my personal life unless absolutely neccessary.

I am lazy though and even view shopping and looking after myself as a boring tedious chore which I will avoid at all costs.

I think its all about reward, if you are not getting any reward from something why invest, time, energy, money etc into it?

It's not so much that to be honest, I just want to work in a job where even if I have to work hard, I don't have to worry about being faced with doing something I can't. Believe me, in my last job I couldn't sleep at night with worry about being faced with a task that might be beyond me.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

A lot of times unless its pleasure giving I will swerve it. You sound quite like a people person. You enjoyed the social element of college and that commonality with people. What about becoming a counsellor or something along those lines?

Actually I feel uncomfortable around people as I am a poor conversationalist and just not very "charismatic" (hate that term). I've never had a girlfriend, I'd like to but I don't think any girl would be interested in me. My mom criticises me over this, saying I am just not interested in them. She doesn't understand.