Fallen out of love

LegacyUser

I think this'll be a long one...

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4 of them.

We have a gorgeous 9 year old child, a nice enough home, and up until around 2 years ago, a happy life.

We got together when I was 19, and he was 26. What was meant to be a one night stand resulted in me going home for one night, and living together ever since (I think I'm answering some of my own questions here!)

Anyway, as with any developing relationship, we had our ups and downs, arguments and silences, but essentially, there was always a deep love.

I never felt the inclination to even look at another man, and I always felt secure in my hubby's love.

I'm not sure what changed. I wish I could say there was a monumental moment, a betrayal, disrespect, being taken for granted - to name but a few of the 'good reasons' that people break up.

I just can't find one.

Now, this is where it gets complicated: having resigned myself to just being happy with what I have (or NOT being happy in my case) I became great friends with a man at work.
When I say 'friends' I mean it in every sense of the word. There was never any sign or desire on either side for anything other than friendship (he was married, as was I)

After 9 months of friendship, the cliche occurred; yes, we stepped over the line.

I know many will say, "Of course this will have impacted on your marriage", and they'd be right - it has. It's made me realise that our lives can not continue the way they have.

The GAW (guy at work) has left his wife, and I intend on doing the same. I must stress that neither one of us has, or will leave our respective partners FOR the other - there are a catalogue of issues in each of our relationships that led up to this with our spouses.

My husband isn't a bad man, by any means, and that's what makes this so hard.
The changes he has made for 'us' are evdient to all who know us (and yes, I've changed too).

He went from being a wildchild to a family man in the time we've been together. Not because I asked, but because he wanted to.

That's not to say I haven't changed too, nor that it was easy waiting for him to become a responsible Dad but, he did and I almost feel as though I'm indebted to him for doing so (he constantly reminds me of this).

What once worked for us and attracted us to each other are the very things which have us so far from each other now.

I'm an extrovert, he's a brooder. I'm an optimist, he's a pessimist, to say the least! I'm sociable, he's the complete opposite. I find myself bottling up everything, which makes me so resentful.

It's gotten to the stage where our daughter thinks we're going to split up if there's so much as a raised voice.

I don't want to do this anymore, but I'm fearful.

I'm not afraid of what the future holds relationship wise. As much as I love the GAW and truly believe he's my soul mate, fundamentally the break-up of my marriage is down to me and my hubby, and the reality of growing up, and growing apart.

I'm not afraid of being on my own, as I'm fiercely independent and self-sufficient.

I think I'm afriad of destroying the only life my daughter has ever known. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe it's better to have 2 happy parents in seperate homes than 2 UNhappy parents in the same home, but I don't think she'll feel that way - especially if her Father is adverse to the idea of breaking up in the first place.

Sorry for this rant: I'm not actually sure what advice I'm looking for, to be honest!

I'm not expecting anyone to condone what I've done, and am doing. Nor to I expect anyone to condemn.

I think I'm looking for some guidance on:

1) How to break up amicably (without confessing about the GAW - as that would truly kill him)
2) How to put our daughter first (no King Solomon moments, custody wars)
3) How to legally seperate (I'm originally from the UK, he's Irish - we married in the UK). My knowledge of irish Family law is limited, as well as the fact I never thought it would come to this when we said "I do"

I've explained I think there's no future for us, and he took it very badly. We're still living in the same house, and the atmosphere is dire. We're only civil when our daughter is around, but I know she feels it too.

Before anyone asks, we're still in the same house because we can't afford NOT to be!

There's so much more I feel, but I can't speak to him. I clam up, and I dread going home. If it carries on like this, one or both of us will go insane.

Any (constructive) advice would be appreciated.

Nevyn

Sounds like you have grown apart and you have no intention on trying to fix the relationship.

Why don't you move out?

LegacyUser

Yes, as callous as it sounds - I don't intend on trying anymore. It's as though the past 2 years have been spent 'trying', with us getting nowhere.

As for moving out? It's difficult. I'm the sole earner in the household, and have been for the past 6 months. I simply can't afford to. I KNOW he can't, either.

He's Irish and has family here. My family are in the UK and, I'm tied to a mortgage.

I can't see how I can move out. To be honest, I don't WANT to move out. It's my home.

LegacyUser

To be honest..and apologies for this....I think your post is full of excuses as you attempt to overcome your guilt...

These 'differences' you speak of between your hubbie and you have ONLY come to light because you have fallen for the GAW..you appear to be generating excuses as to why you should break up your marriage...but...

In essence you have cheated on your hubbie and fallen for another..that is it in a nutshell..now that you have fallen for another you suddenly see all the bad (to you..) aspects of your hubbie..which is very understandable as you are now in love with GAW and want to be with him ..
You say you dont want to destroy your daughter's home and life...well then I say DONT...

There is no guarantee that your new life with GAW will succeed..

Why not put him to one side and concentrate on the GOOD aspects of your life with hubbie..he has after all change completely for you and daughter...does he not deserve the chance to give this a go..

marriage and fanily should not be dismissed so easily..teh grass is always greener and all that..you may well live to regret this in the future...

Sorry if I seem 'cutting' in this post but I've been the hubbie you describe in the past..and partner did come back pleading remorse at a later stage..too late as I had moved on with another..

be very careful and think hard..is your hubbie that bad you cannot try again???

Nevyn

Well it is possible to seperate while still living in the same house but it is tricky.
I suggest you make an appointment to start mediation to sort out your seperation.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/family_mediation_service

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

These 'differences' you speak of between your hubbie and you have ONLY come to light because you have fallen for the GAW..you appear to be generating excuses as to why you should break up your marriage...but...

Yes, it DOES seem that way, yet 1) GAW came into my life a year after these feelings, or lack of, came to my relationship with the hubby.

Unregistered wrote: »

now that you have fallen for another you suddenly see all the bad (to you..) aspects of your hubbie..which is very understandable as you are now in love with GAW and want to be with him .....

I DO want to be with GAW, that's true. Though the 'bad' I see isn't in my hubby, it's in the relationship itself. This was apparent to me before GAW, and yes, it has been enhanced by his presence in my life. I think part of the problem is that I see very little 'bad' in my husband as a person...

Unregistered wrote: »

There is no guarantee that your new life with GAW will succeed...

That's the thing: after 11 years with the hubby, and 9 of them believing it was forever, I'm not taking it for granted that any subsequent relationship will work. I'm happy to take the risk as it were, but I'm not leaving one for another. I just feel the relationship with the hubby is no more. It's NOT a relationship. He deserves the full shebang. We both do, I think.

Unregistered wrote: »

Why not put him to one side and concentrate on the GOOD aspects of your life with hubbie..he has after all change completely for you and daughter...does he not deserve the chance to give this a go...

I think you're right - I should put GAW aside, though not for the reasons you suggest.
I think I'd benefit from experiencing life on my own - whether that be full of love or loss. Yes, the hubby changed, though not for me, may I add. He changed because he wanted to. As did I.

Unregistered wrote: »

marriage and fanily should not be dismissed so easily..teh grass is always greener and all that..you may well live to regret this in the future...

I completely agree. Marriage and Family SHOULDN'T be dismissed so easily. I'm thinking 11 years on that I'm not being instantly dismissive, however it may seem.

I don't think you've been 'cutting' at all. The points you've made are valid and helpful. Particularly from a male's perspective.

Oh The Humanity

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to try any more. You have come to the end of the road, thats all.

It happens all the time and you are way better off accepting it and moving on rather than sticking it out. There is no reason to stick it out, your daughter is already on tenterhooks, and kids are better off with two happy seperated parents rather than two stuck together ones who are unhappy and trapped in a clapped out relationship.

I dont believe in one partner 'for ever' because its a rarely occuring fairy tale. The model we have now is 3 or 4 serious monogamous relationships throughout an adult life. Its reality.

Relationships have a life cycle, and this one has run its course. Kids will fall in with that IF its handled properly.

If you don't love the man any more you are not obliged to stay, those days are gone for men and for women.

LegacyUser

Thanks Thaedydal,

I'm going to try and discuss this with the hubby.