Spark is gone

LegacyUser

Going Unreg for this one.

I am in a long term relationship (engaged for last year) but at present I feel the spark is gone - well for me anyway. This has been my general thought for about the last 3 months.

It all started with a huge row, surprisely, we never row or fight that often - well to keep it short, she was having a bad day and took it out in me. But we sorted the problem and said we put it behind us.

The relationship has not been the same for me since.

Now she saying our sex life is gone, in that time period since row we only have done it twice.

I feel we are now more friends than in a relationship.

I also find now (and she has mentioned it to me), that I do not compliment her anymore. That I now only tease and sort of insult her.

When I thought about it - I had to agree with her thoughts and I think I am doing without even thinking. Its like I want her to be the person to say we break up.

I do / did love her. I do not want to hurt her - but I just dont know.

Advise please.

Oh The Humanity

Time to break up.

LegacyUser

I think it's time for you to call it a day. You aren't doing either of you any favours by trying to keep your relationship going. It's very sad when you feel this way but honesty is the best policy. Sorry

J Peterman

I dunno if it's quite time to give it up yet- you've got a lot of time invested in this relationship, and while I wouldn't normally advocate "throwing good money after bad", I think you could be a bit more introspective about the relationship before calling it quits.

It sounds to me like you're still pissed off about how you were treated during/before the row, and maybe you feel like she never apologized enough or you're being taken for granted or something. I'd say that there's some underlying resentment on your part that's led to the cutting remarks you find yourself making.

Figure out why you're angry at her, and then tell her how you feel.

Maybe the above posters are right and it's time to get out, but you owe yourself & your girl a conversation or two before pulling the rip cord.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Is there any way of trying to kick start the relationship spark again.

Moomoo1

romantic holiday?

herya

There are crises in every relationship and it might pay off to try and last through them, this is what makes your relationship really strong. If you jump ship straightaway you may end up as a serial offender - you'll learn to end it up at first sight of any problems, not a good trait.

Can you physically separate for a while and decide to take a break, just stay in touch by phone/e-mail while not exactly breaking up? You'll check if you still miss each other and you'll have a chance to see the other person as they were when you've met them to relive the attraction. It may turn out that the attraction is still there just buried under mundane things.

If you discover that you don't really miss each other - time to go separate ways. But do try to give it a chance, it worked in my case and we came out so much stronger and more in love.

b3t4

There's something bugging you still about that argument and you're allowing it to come out in other ways i.e. not complimenting her as much and talking it through. I believe you're being somewhat passive agresive in nature.

More than likely the spark isn't gone but is being dulled a little by this argument and you residule feelings about that argument. I mean even to bring up an argument that happened 3 months ago means it hasn't been resolved.

Your relationship needs a little work and should you ever marry someone, or intend to spend the rest of your life with someone, that's what'll be needed. It'll never be plain sailing all the time. It's how you get out of times like this that shows what strength the relationship does/doesn't have.

I honestly don't see from your post a case for you two to break up just yet.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

b3t4, I never really thought about it that way until you mentioned it. I must agree with you, I do believe I am passive aggressive in behaviour.

So how do I get around that?

LegacyUser

Ive had a few periods in my last relationship where things were stale, we had been fighting, I didt know if I fancied him anymore as Im sure he felt the same as he didnt compliment me and I swear I felt contempt from him - the worst feeling! BUT things got smoothed out, after a break, or time apart and letting go of the judgements or hangover from the arguments. I fancied him again, sex life came back and things were rosy again.

I wouldnt give up yet. Maybe take a break. Both be busy, dont hold a grudge, let the argument go, forgive eachother.

b3t4

Unregistered wrote: »

b3t4, I never really thought about it that way until you mentioned it. I must agree with you, I do believe I am passive aggressive in behaviour.

So how do I get around that?

You need to acknowledge it and accept that this is what you do. Put things in place so that you're not building things up in your mind and within your relationship. You need to deal with the issue face on rather than withdrawing from it and hoping it'll go away. Your girlfriend doesn't appear to recognise this in your personality and isn't calling you on it so you'll need to do that yourself.

Stop putting dealing with this off. Tomorrow is not good enough. You've got to do things today.

Talk to her. Bring up the argument again. Bring it up now, not in the next fight, in a calm way so that you two can talk it through.

From a personal perspective, my partner can be passive agressive. It annoys the living daylights out of me. I'll call him on it though and just won't put up with it. If somethings wrong it needs to be discussed, sorted out and moved on from. Left to his own divices he lets issues drag and come to a bad place before addressing them.

From what you're saying here you've let this argument drag and have now come to the point where your concidering breaking up with your partner. Whatever the issue is it should of been dealt with a while back.