Insecurity issues with cheating

LegacyUser

I am currently single but worried sick when I get into my next relationship (or if i do) because of worries on their part of cheating.

Heres why: When I was 19 I had an affair with a married man (ten yrs my senior). I was very young, foolish, immature and excited at the thought of being with an older man. The fact he ws married and had children didnt faze me, nor did it him. We met about ten times, had sex twice. It ended amicably. The following year I had my first serious relationship that lasted 2 yrs, he was constantly texting other girls and within days of us breaking up (twice we broke up) he was seen with other girls. When he seriously got with another girl a few months later-I ended up sleeping with him on the side for a period of time, i was over him and it was 'just' sex. That ended. I moved on.

Fast forward say 3 yrs I get into another serious relationship, we lived together and it was a pretty great 3.5 years I have to say apart from me finding flirty txts and emails from girls during our relationship. These were girls I knew 'of' and that he met right before me, howver they lived in a diff country. I dont think he cheated, in fact im pretty certain he didnt. However, Paranoia set in and any time his back was turned and I was out on the town I'd kiss other blokes, it was more of a 'payback' in my head for the hurt he caused with the texting other girls etc. Foolish way of carrying on I know now. This relationship ended for other reasons about 3 yrs ago.

I lived the single life for a long time, feeling young and free again and no worries. Id be out on the town every sat night kissing blokes, going on dates, had two one night stands. Id say at least 5 of the blokes that i kissed and then went on a few dates with, or ended up txting etc, I later found out had effing girlfriends, or girlfriends with children, or a girlfriend with a kid on the way. WTF? I had NO knowledge of this and wouldnt have touched them with a barge pole if I knew this. Thank god i didnt know their other halves cause I felt like sh*it even though I didnt. They were men from all walks of life, mostly in late 20's or 30's, some professionals some every day joe soaps.

What is it with men that find it sooooo easy to cheat? Ive gone into each short relationship since with irrational paranoid thoughts because I have been the OTHER woman so many times and I know how easy it is for them to do it.

It ruining my chances of constructing a proper relationship because I know how capable men are. I KNOW not ALL men are like this, but jesus its at least 7 men ive met who have been attracted to me and cheated on their girlfs with me. Granted i knew about the married man and my ex's new girlfriend but I did not know about the rest.

I feel sorry for these girls and I feel sorry for the next bloke who gets in a relationship with me with these irrational thoughts, but i guess they are not irrational - right? cause it does happen...Im the proof.

Wagon

insecure wrote: »

What is it with men that find it sooooo easy to cheat? Ive gone into each short relationship since with irrational paranoid thoughts because I have been the OTHER woman so many times and I know how easy it is for them to do it.

not all men are capable of cheating not that you can really critisize them given your own track record.

I can't give you any practical advice on how to completely avoid these problems but i will say look out for any recurring signs when you meet someone. Think back to the other lads and ask yourself was there any recurring signs that they may have been hiding things from you, like girlfriends etc...?

Also, what type of people are you going for? I think you are just going for loud, confident, overbearing, anal twats (bad boys). try and avoid them maybe?

Birds of a feather flock together. If you go around sh*tting on people and having no morals, that's the type of person you'll attract.

LegacyUser

Sorry I think that is a bit harsh, i did state i was young and foolish when I was with that married man and I did state it was silly that I kissed other blokes on my boyf- It was many many moons ago, 11 and 6 to be exact and now im hitting 30 it doesnt seem to end with men. You'd think it would but clearly it doesnt.

Wagon

It's not being harsh, it's just being honest. I think what you project is what's getting you these men. Have you ever taken your eyes off the twats on the dancefloor and looked along the wall?

LegacyUser

As I stipulated in my mails these are normal every day blokes, not bad boys, not 'nackers', not anything.

Are you implying that the quiet guys that stand along the wall dont cheat?! Rose tinted glasses me thinks! My point was that I've been with all kinds of guys, professionals to the boy next door and they've all done it. There is no certain 'type', if there was...we would all steer clear wouldnt we?

I had no knowledge of these guys having girlfriends bar two. The fact I was the other girl many a time is hampering my chances of 'relaxing' and going with the flow in a relationship cause I know what ANY man is capable of doing. I was looking for advice in how to overcome these thoughts and not ruin my next relationship.

And to point out I have not cheated on anyone since i was alot younger, I wouldn't dream of it now.

Wagon

All right well fine. You've grown up and thats grand but there's nothing anyone can say to help you avoid meeting people who cheat. Nothing. It's just bad luck or Karma or something.

Try to remember that any new bloke is not the last one you were with. He could well be different.

Mayoegian

It's sounds like you got your just desserts. How do you think that wife and those kids feel? You were 19, not 9, you knew what you were getting yourself in for. You have this problem now, but I'm sure you left alot of problems for the people you hurt in the past behind you.

That's life-deal with it.

Liam Byrne

The fact is that the only common factor in all of this is yourself.

Maybe it's a residual guilt for being the "other woman", doing the dirt - with him - on his wife; I don't know. Maybe your first-hand knowledge of the fact that two people can abuse a third-party's [ although that should be second-party, since you were the intruder ] trust so easily means you know that it CAN be done while keeping the wife or girlfriend completely in the dark.

But you're CHOOSING guys who are capable of cheating, so therefore there IS a defined pattern in your choice, from day one. Whether it's down to the above, I don't know.

And meanwhile, decent guys (and I'll include myself in that....I'm not perfect by any means, but my track record shows that I'll be considerate and respectful of anyone I'm with, however short or long that might eventually prove to be) usually get the short straw and a bad rap, and get ****-for-thanks for being sound; treated in ways that - if they treated women like that - they'd be viewed "complete b**tards". :rolleyes:

And what's the story with phrases like "What is it with men that find it sooooo easy to cheat?" and "I know how capable men are"; you say you KNOW all men aren't like that, and yet you didn't once include the word "some" before the word "men". :rolleyes:

discobeaker

Liam Byrne wrote: »

And meanwhile, decent guys (and I'll include myself in that....I'm not perfect by any means, but my track record shows that I'll be considerate and respectful of anyone I'm with, however short or long that might eventually prove to be) usually get the short straw and a bad rap, and get ****-for-thanks for being sound; treated in ways that - if they treated women like that - they'd be viewed "complete b**tards". :rolleyes:

And what's the story with phrases like "What is it with men that find it sooooo easy to cheat?" and "I know how capable men are"; you say you KNOW all men aren't like that, and yet you didn't once include the word "some" before the word "men". :rolleyes:

I totally gotta agree on this statement. I too aint perfect but i would never cheat on anyone but yet i still get tarred with the same brush that "oh you men are nothing but cheaters". I gotta say,i stand against the wall cos like most guys when it comes to you ladies,im shy but for some reason the girl i end up falling for or liking would always end up with the dickhead guy who will treat her like rubbish.

I guess we could argue all night about relationships but man, they suck. Last 3 girls i have had all cheated on me so being "nice" does nothing for a guy,except for "I just want you as a friend".

We need a boards dating site or something hahaha .

I hope the OP has learned from her mistakes. Its in the past so just live for the future OP. Chin up

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

discobeaker

sorry mod,was that for me? I was just trying to throw in my 2 cents. And to the OP,best of luck

Mrs Shankly

Hi OP,

I don't think you should beat yourself up about the mistakes you made in the past, we all make mistakes, and I think the important thing is that you wouldn't dream of it now. Far different if you were to continue to do it time and time again without it costing you a thought.

As for the cheaters you've met, theres nothing more disappointing or annoying than finding out they have girlfriends, kids, etc. That reflects badly on them though, not you. And the 7 men in question certainly do not reflect the male populace as a whole.

Next time you get into a relationship, please do not let destructive thoughts of the possibility of them cheating ruin it- you will know yourself whether you trust them or not, and trust is key in any relationship. Also, such thoughts, if manifested, can drive the other person away.

Best of Luck OP

kittenkiller

insecure wrote: »

There is no certain 'type', if there was...we would all steer clear wouldnt we?

Obviously there is a type. They're cheaters!
Maybe you're just attracted to the polished charm of a man who thinks he can have anyone he pleases?
Or do you prefer a man you have to chase and an otherwise faithful guy is flattered by the chase and succumbs to the attention?

Maybe try getting to know your potential partners before entering into relationships with them?
And try avoiding the overly flirty guys with 100's a girls phone numbers in their little black books?

Just a few thoughts, anyway, best of luck, they're not all like that I can assure you.

LegacyUser

Discobeaker and Liam byrne I am not tarring everyone with the same brush, if i had a cent for every man who said that!

I also do not think I am going for the same kind of blokes, all have been very different. Attitude wise, background wise. Funnily enough most have been quiet, edcuated and on the outside -genuine! So what do I look out for?!

My issue was that I am going into each relationship and date since- with irrational thoughts in my head that they will cheat. That was my original problem, im hitting 30 I dont want to be like this, and because I have been the other woman or been with guys that I have later found out to be attached sends my head into planet paranoia. In so far as they cant handle it and it ends.

I feel like im just repeating myself here anyway - thanks to anyone who gave constructive advice.

Oh The Humanity

Fcuking hell.....the moral mafia.....the girl KNOWINGLY cheated with two men when she was young and foolish. The rest she DIDN'T KNOW they had wives/girlfriends/children.

I dunno if you are all living on another planet or what but in my personal experience most men and a good many women WILL cheat given the chance and thats including the ones who no-one thinks is 'the type' because there is no 'type'

The main thing that stands in the way of people cheating is lack of opportunity/fear of getting caught.

I know a million people will come onto the thread now saying 'I dont cheat and I dont want to' and yes ditto but EVERYONE will have cheated unwittingly in their lives whether they meant to or not.

I agree that rose coloured spectacles are being worn here.

OP I don't blame you for your fears, your fears are based on your experience and that is founded in truth.

I think people can be far too gullible and trusting in the face of massive evidence to the contrary and it suits people to stick their heads in the sand and pretend they are 'different'

Terodil

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

most men and a good many women WILL cheat given the chance and thats including the ones who no-one thinks is 'the type' because there is no 'type'

The main thing that stands in the way of people cheating is lack of opportunity/fear of getting caught.

I know a million people will come onto the thread now saying 'I dont cheat and I dont want to' and yes ditto but EVERYONE will have cheated unwittingly in their lives whether they meant to or not.

I don't share this view at all. It is kinda curious because on the one hand you're using utterly Christian argumentation ('original sin' -- you'll always be a sinner whether you want to or not, whether you notice or not -- which, imvho, is rubbish), yet on the other hand... you're describing this as something 'that's just done' and thereby normal.

The thing is, if you accept it as normal you are making it normal, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And no, cheating is not normal (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/normal?r=75, nr. 2). Maybe sometimes a little morality would actually help you know? It doesn't help to descry any moral considerations as pointless, outdated or optimistic...