Hubby cheated

LegacyUser

I need to write this to vent more than anything. It's a long post.
My husband of several years dropped the bombshell on me that he went to two escorts recently.

He was devastated telling me, genuinely remorseful, and he's not cheated on me before. I knew that he had done it with a hooker in another country years before I met him but it didn't really bother me.

I took it all quite well initially and forgave him, I trust him. It's been so weird and awkward between us since then, like we've just had a massive fight. We haven't slept together since before he went to the escorts.

Part of why I took it so well is that I cheated on him early on in our relationship & it was absolutely horrific how much I hurt him, it was a terrible time but we came out of it stronger & I've not done anything like that since. So I guess when he told me I was thinking "ah.. karma has caught up with me". Also, what I did was worse than him as I sat on it for a year before telling him but then confessed as it was gnawing at me & I felt so bad for what I did to him.

But I'm really finding it hard now & I'm angry. I made the mistake of looking up the escort agencies to try figure out which one it was. I've not been myself at all since he told me.
I also feel hugely inadequate. We had a great sex life & I'm not bad looking at all but still feel inadequate compared to the pics of the escorts. I'm not into kinky stuff & not comfortable with it but now feel like maybe that's what he's secretly after. But I just couldn't bring myself to do what the escorts advertise & I'm not going to push myself to do that.

I'm so angry about the money he blew on it as we're really struggling at the moment & I've been scrimping and saving & that was my money too.
I feel like I need to know who the girls were and what exactly he did with them.

Does anyone have experience with this & did it make them feel any better to get all the sordid details? How long til we can move on & get back to ourselves?
I can only imagine how weird it will be to have sex again.

LegacyUser

Aw I do feel for you I really do. I have know constructive advice really but dont be so hard on yourself its not down to you not performing acts that he wanted (unless there have been previous discussions about this). Most men cheat because they can, there is no emotional attachment towards sex with excorts, its is what it is - just sex.

Some couples bounce back from this but since its occurred already in the relationship my guess is it will be harder this time. Would you consider relationship counselling? Im not an avid fan of counselling but it depends on the person and if you want to salvage your marriage and get your sex life back on track.

Don't trawl the net trying to find out who this woman was or what company it was, it wont do any good for you or your head. hope you work things out x

LegacyUser

Thanks for that. Yes we discussed it and we are going to get some counselling. We did it after what I did years ago and it really helped us & we were totally fine up until now. I'm going to have to stop looking up the sites, it's getting where I'm tormenting myself. I guess best is just to really talk out issues & get help.

Sometimes it helps just to write it all down & then you can start to make sense of what to do. I'd bottled it up for weeks as don't want to talk to any friends or family about it, too humiliating, but it's seriously crap bottling things - doesn't work either.

Mrs Shankly

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for that. Yes we discussed it and we are going to get some counselling. We did it after what I did years ago and it really helped us & we were totally fine up until now. I'm going to have to stop looking up the sites, it's getting where I'm tormenting myself. I guess best is just to really talk out issues & get help.

Sometimes it helps just to write it all down & then you can start to make sense of what to do. I'd bottled it up for weeks as don't want to talk to any friends or family about it, too humiliating, but it's seriously crap bottling things - doesn't work either.

Hi OP,

You say its hard to talk to family and friends about it, which is understandable- what about talking to him about it? You have forgiven him, which is great- you have a grace period though where you can rant, cry, shout, get it off your chest, whatever, at him.

Please don't torture yourself with images of these escorts.

Best of Luck OP

Tar.Aldarion

It is not worth knowing anything about the details of the people your partner cheated with. Not knowing is bad, knowing would be worse. I think you forgave him too quickly, you jsut thought you forgave him. I made the same mistake once and the outrage and anger at her came after on my own, which was a lot worse. You did not deserve it for anything you have done in the past, nothing excuses it, if he has forgiven you for that then he has forgiven you for it, it is dead and gone. That said, people make mistakes, you need to discuss why he went to them. You are not the inadequate one in this situation, he is. You can't compare yourself to random others, what tehy look like and what they do. People will always thing there are people better than them, unless you are cocky like me. :-)

You need to get angry, you need time to think about what he did, you need to talk to him about it and see how you can patch up your relationship, if that is what you both want.

useful_contacts

Unregistered wrote: »

Part of why I took it so well is that I cheated on him early on in our relationship & it was absolutely horrific how much I hurt him, it was a terrible time but we came out of it stronger & I've not done anything like that since. So I guess when he told me I was thinking "ah.. karma has caught up with me". Also, what I did was worse than him as I sat on it for a year before telling him but then confessed as it was gnawing at me & I felt so bad for what I did to him.
.

Dont you dare blame yourself- you did that at the start of the relationship- in the first year none of us know weather someones a potential life partner or not.

He did this even after you two married ...thats unforgivable(in my book might be diff for you)

Just my 2 cents:)

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

We haven't slept together since before he went to the escorts.

Before? Why?