Break-up

Whitehall

Hi

Hope someone can offer some advice. My boyfriend of 10 years has recently broken off our engagement. We have been with each other since we were teenagers and had one previous breakup which lasted two years. In that time we could never let go. He was always emailing me saying he loved me and turning up at my place even though he ended it. He has met someone else he says he loves but it was going on for a few months and he completely changed and became very depressed and was drinking a lot beacuse of the guilt. I think he is still confused as he didn't seem to know what he was doing and was acting completely out of character. I think he since regrets it as he has been texting me to that effect which I mostly ignore but it is hard. It is terrible as we were best friends and some of you may know how that is when it is someone you have know since you were very young. I'm just so sad and I miss him. All the initial anger has passed. He acted very selfishly and I know there is no way back but I feel there is no way forward for me either. I have had one minor fling since then, quite soon after the breakup and that was very passionate. I never once cheated on my ex while I was with him. It has made me realise to some extent what I am missing but I just can't see a way forward and wondered if I will ever feel normal again and how long it takes? While I was with this man I did not think about my ex once and it was great. I think because I was so sick of being treated badly that I was grateful to someone who was just fun to be with. But the irony is he had already planned to move to another country before I met him and has since moved! Just my luck - I seem to attract people who leave the country :-). Any uplifting advice would be welcomed. Thanks.

messygirl

hey whitehall

Sorry to hear about your break up. Seems to me the reason you cant see a way forward is because ye have always been in each others lives. You don't know how life is without him because you never had to be without him.

Ye have now broken up twice so I think you need to concentrate on yourself. For the moment you cant think about the future so dont. think about right now. what can you do to make yourself happy now. Try and strengthen friendships you have with other people and keep yourself busy and make plans so he cant just come over when he decides. There is a life without him, you know all the cliche advice "join a club" "Dating website" "blind dates" so there isnt any point in telling you there are more fish in the sea because Im sure you have already heard that. Treat yourself and read girly novels in bed with a glass of wine, get a puppy/dog/cat if you want to (Foster the dog if you want it for short term! you can foster puppies/kittens/dogs, they are crying out for people)> I find doing something for others makes me feel nice as well, so find what it is you are happy doing and do it.

One word of warning, i like to bake when i am stressed or like to think and pastries are not the answer

Best of luck! It will take time but with your friends and family you will get through it and move on and find that future without him, but to move on you have to leave him behind, I know it must be hard I know I dont know how you are feeling but other people have gotten through things like this and so can you! And there is no harm in having a few flings, totally therapeutic and fun!

wasper

Whitehall wrote: »

Hi

Hope someone can offer some advice. My boyfriend of 10 years has recently broken off our engagement. We have been with each other since we were teenagers and had one previous breakup which lasted two years. In that time we could never let go. He was always emailing me saying he loved me and turning up at my place even though he ended it. He has met someone else he says he loves but it was going on for a few months and he completely changed and became very depressed and was drinking a lot beacuse of the guilt. I think he is still confused as he didn't seem to know what he was doing and was acting completely out of character. I think he since regrets it as he has been texting me to that effect which I mostly ignore but it is hard. It is terrible as we were best friends and some of you may know how that is when it is someone you have know since you were very young. I'm just so sad and I miss him. All the initial anger has passed. He acted very selfishly and I know there is no way back but I feel there is no way forward for me either. I have had one minor fling since then, quite soon after the breakup and that was very passionate. I never once cheated on my ex while I was with him. It has made me realise to some extent what I am missing but I just can't see a way forward and wondered if I will ever feel normal again and how long it takes? While I was with this man I did not think about my ex once and it was great. I think because I was so sick of being treated badly that I was grateful to someone who was just fun to be with. But the irony is he had already planned to move to another country before I met him and has since moved! Just my luck - I seem to attract people who leave the country :-). Any uplifting advice would be welcomed. Thanks.

Wether he is with you or not, he has own demons that he need to sort out. You need a complete break from him to recharge your batteries. So cut out any connections or communications with him. Would you ever consider moving to the country of the 2nd guy you met & had a brief fling with?

LegacyUser

Hi Whitehall,
I'm in a similar stuation to you with the exception of 3 children so I can't purge ex from my life unfortunately. You are doing a spectacular job of holding your head up and moving on and are an inspiration to me. Seems you are in you 20's with your whole life ahead of you, look forward with gusto and vigor, not back with regret! There are bound to be emotional setbacks along the way but you're so getting there. You're a strong woman with a mature attitude to life, you will choose well in the end.
Take care of yourself

Whitehall

Hi All,

Thank you for your advice. My heart goes out to the lady with 3 children. I know that would have eventually happened to me as I wanted to get married and have children with this man. However I hope and am sure you get much joy from your children. He didn't talk to me at all about how he was feeling and I had to guess everything and eventually find out everything for myself. It's like he wanted to keep the both of us. Wasper you are right - he has a lot of demons and I don't know why - he has had a good life - sure with some problems but nothing major. I've always been trying to help him. I asked him to get counselling but he turned me down. The problem is he is worried about getting old and he is always looking for the next thrill. I do understand that - love having fun myself but you need to look after things too and everyone has a date of birth you can't help that:-). He has called me since once or twice at 3 am saying I am the only one who's ever cared for him and he doesn't know why he did it. I never stayed in touch with the second guy as it was not long after the breakup and I was not in the mood for anything serious. But we had an incredible connection maybe because of the intense time I had just been through or maybe it was genuine -who knows? Do you think it would be a good idea to try get in touch again? Ah well just have to get on with it I suppose but it's not much fun..

LegacyUser

Hi Whitehall, don't know about contacting your hot fling guy, I'd trust your instinct on that one, if u need to see if there is anymore too it give him a call maybe, don't have regrets, life is too short.
I haven't gotten back on the wagon yet, only seperated 2 months but am on the look out (ha ha!) Feels weird though when you resolve yourself for years to the identity of beeing a married oud wan with kids, but i am on a mission to change that self image.
My ex hasn't told me and he never will that there is/was someone else but I know there was/is, he is so guilty and ashamed every time we meet. Can't look me in nthe eye....
I would advise a counsellor if you find things getting on top of you though, I went last week and the strength she gave me is fantastic...... We are all only human after all and I want help in making sure I stop my circle of picking broken men...who end up breaking me in the end. I'm sure you can relate to this..
Best wishes and take care of your self, you'll get the good guy and the babies in the end, I promise. X