How to get him out of my bed??

LegacyUser

I'm at my wits end.

I have a 6 year old who I cannot get out of my bed. I have tried everything. There are only the two of us in our house and I'm struggling to get a nights sleep.

for the past 6 months, I've put him into his own room at bedtime - there are many tears (not really tantrums) until I eventually cave in. Sometimes, the tears can last for 2 hours and I almost always give in and let him come into my bed. On the rare occassion when he's cried himself to sleep, he will come into my bed during the night. He is so determined to sleep in my bed that even though I am downstairs and go up and down to put him back to bed, he has often stayed awake until midnight when I'm exhausted.
I have tried everything I can think of. Redeocorated the bedroom. Got him a nitelight. Bought a star chart. Bought bunkbeds. Used sleeping in his own bed as bribery to get a new toy etc etc. I can usually do this night time routine for three or four nights - starts friday, saturday, sunday (when I'm not in work) and might last until monday when I finally cave in and let him come into my bed, at bedtime, to avoid the hours of frustration. I don't think he's ever spent the full night in his own room..Has anyone any tips please?????

Nevyn

Time for some tough love.
You need to not cave in no matter how hard it is.
You are setting up a patttern wher ehe knows he can get you to give in and that will stay with him as he gets older.

Be tought be firm and if it takes him crying himself to sleep then so be it.

I asssume you have made sure he is not suffering from night terrors and that his room is safe.

joes girls

I was the same with my little boy.....he kind of moved into my room,but it was cause he had been very sick and had him in a bed right beside my bed.
but then bit by bit he did end up in my bed.
What i did was brought him out one day picked out a new bed,got cars wallpaper and all the bits to go with it. Total stripped his room let him help with everything,got him a t.v and DVD player, so every night made a real big thing out of his new room,let him pick out a dvd, and put him to bed........a good few times he would come down wanting to get in my bed, but just had to stick to no!

Good luck with it all, i know how hard it is to say no when all you want to do is sleep!:)

Blueskye

I know it's difficult but you can't cave in. If you stick to it, 2 weeks should do it. Do you have a good friend who would stay with you and help you for a few nights? Each time you cave in you're basically giving him a message that the more he cries, the more likely you'll cave in. It's best to decide when you're going to do the programme, pick a week maybe where you're off work?

I'd use the star chart at the same time, making sure to praise him a lot for everything he does well, not just sleep, and use non-monetary rewards, like you guys playing a game together that he likesas a reward for when he goes to sleep in his own bed. Get him involved with the star chart, perhaps you designing it and him colouring it in, make a lot of excitement up around it, building him up and telling him what a big boy he is now and how you and him are going to stick to this programme. But the key is consistency, you really have to stick to it or nothing will change.

Hope this helps.
Best of luck.

Blueskye

joes girls wrote: »

Total stripped his room let him help with everything,got him a t.v and DVD player, so every night made a real big thing out of his new room,let him pick out a dvd, and put him to bed........a good few times he would come down wanting to get in my bed, but just had to stick to no!

Just on that, I wouldn't recommend putting a tv and dvd player in a child's room. Watching dvd's tends to keep them awake and it's better to get into the habit of winding down, having a bedtime routine (i.e. teeth, pyjamas, storytime and then sleep). TV really should be limited to an hour or two in the evening downstairs.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for replies. Yes, he's safe and isn't suffering from night terrors - no nightmares that I've heard of anyway. He says he's afraid when he wakes up - bought one of those night lights that you can keep on during the night (although I'm still terrified that the bulb will get too hot)..
so you think I just have to stick to my guns..? I'm really exhausted..didn't get to bed till after 11 last night when I finally caved in and let him into my bed after an hour and a half of crying 'But why mammy..why...'.

I've done the decorating the room - bedtime routine always starts off very positive...encouraging him to be grown up and sleep in his own bed and pointing out all the lovely stuff he has in there..letting him watch some tv for half an hour etc etc...I get down the stairs and think 'tonight's the night' and half an hour later I hear 'Can I go into your bed mam' and this continues...it's just gone five on a wednesday evening and I'm determined to stick to my guns now...but by 11pm tonight after 2 hours of fighting with him, I'm always exhausted...am I too weak???

joes girls

Blueskye wrote: »

Just on that, I wouldn't recommend putting a tv and dvd player in a child's room. Watching dvd's tends to keep them awake and it's better to get into the habit of winding down, having a bedtime routine (i.e. teeth, pyjamas, storytime and then sleep). TV really should be limited to an hour or two in the evening downstairs.

Totally agree with you. At the time it worked for me, but he is not allowed it now at bedtimes....:)

Nevyn

I know it's hard, but you have to stick to it, other wise you are setting a very bad pattrn for him when it comes to getting his own way about other things as he grows up and tbh by the time he's a teen he needs to respect you and know you will stick to what you say no matter what.

I also don't agree with tvs in kids rooms, mine do how ever have cd players for stories or certain claming music cds.

Also, I know he is on holidays but what is his bed time?
Could it be that with there being no school and it being bright out until a lot later he is
missing out on the time he is actually tired and then becoming over tired and being up cranky that late.

He's 6 surely he should be in bed asleep by about 8:30pm and that way you get a break and time peace
and quiet to yourself in the evening.

Oryx

At the moment, sleeping in your bed is normal, and so for him, youre breaking the status quo and its terribly upsetting. And heartbreaking for you as well, which is why you give in!

He is six, so you can explain to him that from tonight, he doesn't sleep in mammys bed anymore. He's big enough to understand if you explain it in a way that will make sense to him (you're a big boy now, etc). And then as has been said, don't cave in. Ever. Even if it means explaining at work why you're tired or taking a few days off. You will absolutely have a few rough nights of tears and anguish, but if you want to fix this, you have to. Reassure and reward him, but be firm. Give in once and youre right back where you started.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for advice yesterday. So I (almost) succeeded last night!

Bedtime is 9pm during the summer. Told him from tea-time that he was sleeping in his own bed. Got the usual moans, but ignored them. Bath at 8, some tea and bedtime story/cd at 9...had lights out by 9.15 and was thinking 'Hey, this is perfect!!' Until I got downstairs and I had the patter of tiny feet getting out of his bed and so it began...

It only lasted an hour though - I did exactly what supernanny tells you to do - didn't engage in conversation with him the first couple of times - just walked (calmly) up the stairs and put him back to bed as he yelled 'Are you not even giving me a kiss or a cuddle???' (I'd given him a hundred kisses and cuddles at bedtime!!)...like I say, this lasted about an hour but by 10.15, he was ASLEEP IN HIS OWN BED.

I DID wake up this morning though and there he was beside me! Vaguely remember him getting into the bed at 4am - had sworn to myself I'd gently put him back to his own bed if he came into me, but I obviously was half asleep! First thing he said when he came down the stairs this morning was 'Mam, I'm really sorry for going into your bed last night but I was afraid when I woke up..' I really thought this was an achievenment on my part - the fact that he APOLOGISED for sleeping in my bed last night!!!!

So I guess when he comes into my bed tonight at 4am, I have to put him back into his own bed????? AND can I ask about those night lights?? I have one that I know get's hot (the shade) and I've felt the plug sometimes (it has one of thos huge plugs) and it's felt hot so I'm terrified to keep it on for him all night, even though it was guaranteed to be 'safe' being kept on all night - any other ideas???? Thanks again

Nevyn

Well done on sticking to it and it's is wonderful that he said sorry it means that the idea that it is not acceptable for him to be in his own bed is starting to stick.

As for the getting out of bed constantly, I had that with mine and it took me sitting on the landing reading for a few nights asnd as soon as I heard thier feet hit the floor they were told to go back to bed.

If you are not happy with the night ligth what about a regular lamp with a very low watt blub say something aroung 10 watts?

Oryx

I have an ordinary table lamp with an energy saving bulb in my hallway outside both kids bedroom doors. It's on a plug in timer, I don't even have to turn it on and off.

On the more troublesome nights if either are claiming to need a light, I leave their lamp on till they go asleep and then turn it off. The lamp in the hall is enough then, theres never any bother about lights during the night.

WillieCocker

Oh dear OP.
You really have let it go on for too long.
The longer you do it, the harder it will be to rectify.

We had problems with our little girl at 2yo, but as said tough love is what it takes, and now she loves her bed wouldn't sleep in ours even if we asked.:D

LegacyUser

Thanks willie! I agree that I have let it go on too long...I'm under no illusion though that part of the reason he's still in my bed is because I want him there!! On a subconscious level of course! On a conscious level, I want my space and I want my own bed back...but then I think sure why would I deprive myself of those cuddles :-)!!

He's quite an independent little fella though - no problem going to strange places, being minded by different people etc - seems to embrace change (unlike his mother!!). I thought I might not be doing him any favours by allowing him to stay in my bed and he might be clingy etc, but he's not.
Nite two tonight - I'm still determined and I also agree that his apology was his way of saying he knows its not acceptable anymore! I'll log in tomorrow to tell how tonight goes..AND I'll buy a 10 watt bulb on the way home!! Thanks again

January

OP, has he told you why he is afraid when he wakes up in the middle of the night? Is it from being alone or would he just be using it as an excuse to get into your bed in the middle of the night?

LegacyUser

Hi Adrienne...he says he can't go back to sleep without a cuddle - so yes, I guess it's lonliness he's using as the excuse..which I also guess is how he's feeling.
Anyway, night 2 last night - it went VERY well - recently I've insisted that we have a little play-time together. He recently pointed out to me that while he goes everywhere (we've been to every playground in dublin I imagine!) and we DO loads together, I don't actually PLAY with him. So we have a little down on the floor, playing with wrestlers or whatever 'time' every evening...it seems to wind him down..
so last night we had a game of marbles in his room..no tv...when we were finished, he cleaned his teeth etc, put pjs on (picked out his own pjs) etc and started to say stuff like "Mam I'm SUCH a big boy..' got into bed and read a story, fell asleep no problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woke at 5am and came into my bed but I would still count that as a success!!! Thanks a million for input, it's really helped!